Hi everyone.  I'm new here and looking for an outlet in this hard to navigate blended family world.  It's really nice to know you can vent constructively with others that are living similar experiences.  I've been with my fiance 3 yrs.  He has a 12 yr old son and I have a 4 year old son.  We recently bought a bigger house to accomodate our family and pets.  Our plan was to get married and have another child.  I'm almost 38 and the baby door is closing on me.  I desperately want to give my son a sibling but I'm also open to adoption. 

Things up until this point have been relatively peaceful with our ex-spouses.  The kids generally play well considering their age differences.  My fiance's son is an only child and only grandchild (on both sides).  We started dating when he was 9 and he was always entitled, VERY spoiled, cheeky, and coddled yet still sweet and innocent.   At first I thought it was just his grandparents spoiling him which is normal and welcomed.  But I've started to realize that my fiance has practically no rules, no chores, no expections except for doing well in school.  He was awful table manners.  Picks up whole pieces of chicken with his fingers and tears it apart instead of using a knife, wipes his hands on his pants, talks with his mouth full, chews with his mouth open, spits food across the table at you etc.  I've talked to my fiance about it all and he won't enforce any good manners.  Recently he's started to subtly bully my son which some of it has been instigated by his mother.  He's absolutely the most lazy, indignant, spoiled boy I've ever met.  We spend weekends catering to him and driving him from skate park to skate park.  If we don't, he sulks and manipulates his Dad.  His Dad does anything and everything he wants, buys him whatever he wants to keep him happy.  He's built him 3 skateboard ramps in our yard.  We spent over $2,000 to send him to an out of state camp in June (Christmas gift) which he didn't thank us for.  If he's not skateboarding, he's glued to his phone.  There is no limit to screen time or content.  He has the phone 24/7 on him at all times.  He doesn't pick up after himself, leaves trash all over and expects us to pick up after him (which his Dad will do).  He barely brushes his teeth!   Always seems discontented.

I finally had enough and have had several come to Jesus meetings with my fiance.  I am not raising my son this way and we have literally two separate camps at home now.  After he blows up because he thinks I'm judging him for his parenting skills, he'll ignore me for days, have 20 excuses about how he doesn't want his son to stop seeing him so he spoils him, and then come to his senses and makse a chore chart for SS.  SS will do 1 or 2 items that are expected like his laundry because I refuse to do it and he needs underwear.  There is nothing that gets enforced and what he does help with around the house, is like pulling teeth to get him to do it.  His attitude with me when we are alone together can go from very sweet to straight attitude and bravado in seconds.  But in front of his Dad, he's this charming and darling little boy yet also very physically clingy and holds his Dad's hand.   There is so much I can write about it's insane and I'll be here all day, like some of you.    His mom enforces no rules either, he runs the show.  He knows that garbage doesn't fly in our house and I run a tight ship.  You have responsibilities aside from school, you are a part of a family unit.  Dad will address things privately with him and he cries and plays the victim.  It's a vicious cycle of Divocred Father Guilt and SS manipulates him to the fullest.   I cannot enforce anything bc Dad has NO RULES and NO CONSEQUENCES. 

This summer has been so bad that I've been seriously thinking about not marrying him and adopting a child on my own.  We are perfect without his son in the mix lately.  My son has grown up with them and adores both SS and fiance.  He's not an issue.  I do love his son and he does have lovely qualities.  I feel terrible venting like he's a monster, adolesence is not helping the situation though.  We do have our first therapy session on Wednesday which I hope can help.  I'm terrified as to what will come down the road in the teenage years.  Feeling very lost..... my son is so attached to them and I don't want to break up our family.  Has anyone else dealt with this?  Any advice?