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Hi again. Second entry.
I don't want to go into my backstory - it was posted a few weeks back - but things are worse. I finally stood up for myself and "got onto" my steps for disrespecting me. One smirked and the other started crying. This was two weeks ago. I talked to my "husband" about implementing some discipline (he has previously expresed he doesn't feel comfortable disciplining his kids since he has them 4 days a month) and he agreed. We were going to write up some rules and have a "family" meeting. This week, only one kid is here. I asked my husband why and he gave me a wishy washy answer about spending the night with friends. I had to ask three times, and only then did he tell me that SS was staying at his mom's because he doesnt feel comfortable because my SO and I fight and because I had the nerve to get on to him last time he was here. Pressed some more, and it turns out that my husband and his ex had a heart to heart about what was going on in MY relationship, and the best thing to do with SS moving forward. No one had the courtesy to include me in the conversation.
Regarding the relationship issues - DH was downright abusive - mostly verabal - during my third trimester and for the first six months post partum. I was gaslighted, I was mocked for how I parented because I was a protective first time mom, I was yelled at for not doing more chores when I was not sleeping and cluster feeding, I was told he was the only man who ever loved me, I was pushed and told I was going to ruin my kid's first bday because I was a b!tch, etc. It was very dark and very bad. And I'm reactive, so I fight back - which resulted in alot of arguments during this time. (hormones did not help - I was breastfeeding to 19 months). I do TOTALLY get why a child would be uncomfortable. It got much better but it is happening again now that I'm trying to fight for respect from two teenagers. And for the record I went to a therapist to learn how to control my reactions to what was happening because I know it's bad for kids to be around arguments. I really have tried to fix my part.
I get that my ss's dad and mom should communicate about how best to handle his comfort, but I also get that they should include me in the conversation when it involves my weekend, and my house. Instead I am literally the only one left in the dark, and have a sneaking suspicion that ss may be milking the situation because he doenst want to have to respect me.
It feels in every way that my husband is still married to his ex, and I'm just the annoying roomate who occassionally demands respect, or the right to have a voice without getting yelled at. Every other weekend I'm the bad guy in the house that I bought for them.
The things that really get me are the following:
1. my discipline plan was ignored and superseeded by husband's ex
2. My sd and husband knew what was going on and neither of them would tell me the truth, instead sharing a secret from me, and in my opinion, further making me the odd man out and inforcing that mentality with my sd.
3. My ss has mental issues. We think depression (bipolar?) - but no one knows because no one will take the kid to a therapist.
4. We have now reinforced to ss that he doesnt have to respect me, he can just avoid me by staying with his mom
This has been a horrible mess since I was pregnant and hasn't resolved itself for two years inspite of my going to a year of therapy and also going to couples therapy with my husband.
I really feel like it's the end of the road for me and this marriage, I know in my heart that I deserve much more our of this relationship, but I have the worry of having to leave my son every other week with his brother who has untreated mental issues, has a history of resenting me, has thrown things at me, and has told my two year old to "go jump in a pool". Do I have any legal protections here? Or do I suffer (literally, it is suffering) for the next four years until my steps are out of the house before I part ways? I live in Texas btw.
Could really use thoughts. Totally open to personal critiques - I'm not one who's looking to be right - I just genuinly want to fix this situation for my two year old first and for me second.
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Comments
It sounds like you are
It sounds like you are pushing against a current. You can not care more than the parent (skids mental illness), you cannot do more than the bios (discipline/parent) and you are going to drive yourself insane trying to do these things when others are conspiring against you.
It’s
a husband problem. He has no respect for you, so why do you think the SK will have respect for you, if DH is so involved with BM why did they split up ? Guest she had enought of him !!! You can’t do more then BM and BF !!!
just watch out that BM is not going to be able to controlled SS. And once school, police ect gets involved. She may want to give him back to you,
thanks
for the comment and the support! I do worry how the lack of discipline will impact them as they get older. Will they be disciplined at work and walk out or complain to HR because they have to go through the good and the tough?
Was he physically abusive?
"...DH was downright abusive - mostly verbal - during my third trimester ..." If it was mostly verbal, what was the rest? In any case, it sounds like he does not treat you well. Have you considered therapy? If he is physical with you, here is the number for the National Domestic Hotline: 1−800−799−7233
Yes to Therapy
I've been to two therapits as an individual and we have been to two (3, actually) as a couple. The money I've spent! Yikes.
Yep, when it was bad it was really bad. He pushed me once post partum, but that's the extent of it other than the whole holding your wrists so you can't leave bit. He was mostly just in my face and super super imposing. To the point I left several times during my third trimester to sit in my car in a parking lot and cry for hours. Thinking back it's just such a dark story. These days it's just emotional abuse and like financial, which I'll take over the other stuff. Trying to keep it calm and cool for my little one until we have clarity on what comes next. One thing's for certain, each time I think it's better it always flips back. And I end up back here on this board - which I'm so thankful for.
Stop enabling all of them
Did your therapist speak to you about codependency? You might check out Codependents Anonymous and see if it is for you. You can learn to set boundaries without losing control, and if you do end up leaving, you can learn to evaluate future relationships better.
Thanks
I'll check that out for sure! Who knows, it could be for me.
This sounds terrible, and
This sounds terrible, and towards the end of your post you made it sound like you already know what you need to do (leave...or, since the house is yours, make them leave). If there ever were a time, it’s now. Why on earth would you want to wait until SK’s are out?? 4 more years of being the odd man out, putting up with disrespect, and being miserable? Do you really want that? I am all for doing everything you can to save a marriage. But you have already done marriage counseling twice. Your DH clearly just doesn’t respect you, and no amount of counseling seems to fix that. The abuse while you are pregnant with HIS child is just inexcusable, and that alone is enough of a reason to kick him to the curb. Life is short- I would end this and work on getting happy again.
Thanks
For the comment and the support! I would stick it out long enough for the SS to leave the nest and go to school - that way I can rest a bit easier if/ when my toddler is out of my care for a weekend at dad's.