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It's Friday. :(

rocksandrolls's picture

It's Friday. The kids come today. This fills me with dread. 

Most of the time they do not acknowledge me. When they do speak to me it is sometimes with disdain and disrespect (something they learned from thier dad). When my husband does not correct them I have to step in and do it myself. 

I've asked him to stand up for me. To this he replies "I only have a few days with them a month, I can't discipline them. You should support me in that."

I feel like I am empty air on these weekends, or the odd man out who everyone gangs up on. My husbands mood shifts. He starts acting as if I am a thorn in his side who he has to pacify to avoid a complete meltdown. If I ask them to do anything, or help with anything, they either completely ignore me or comply and ask for money. 

They usually are sweet to my son (he's a toddler), but recently SS has taken to snapping rude comments to him. 

When we do chat as a family, I tend to be as honest as possible about minor disagreements with my husband and explain my logic to everyone. Each time my SD declairs how wonderful and untouchable her father is, which really irks me. It's like she's brainwashed. 

When we started this marraige I footed the downpayment for our house, which had to be large enough for his kids to each have a room. I've spent thousands on Christmas presents when he didn't have the money. I've paid his child support on one occassion when I was pregnant and paying for my own medical expenses. Recently, I used airline miles to book rooms on a family vacation. I have made concrete investments in thier lives, and have done my best to maintain a good relationship with thier mom so that they don't feel the strain of step family discord like I grew up with. I used to be a good person in this, but my resolve has really slipped and now my motivation is gone. 

No one tells you about the potential for your self worth to be chipped away at with each visit, that the nicer you are the more you'll be taken advantage of, or that at the end you will feel a shell of yourself who's wants and needs are completely behind everyone elses. Lastly no one tells you that you will still be expected to be happy and loving and go with the flow like you haven't suffered years of abuse or else get picked at for being in a "bad mood".

We've been to counselling twice. 

Comments

beebeel's picture

Stop spending your money or time on them. My own toddler is now the beneficiary of all the extra effort and funds I poured into ungrateful skids for years.

If either of my skids started snapping rude comments to my toddler, they would feel my effing wrath.

There is no way I would put up with open disrespect in my home, however. If your husband "can't" ensure they respect you in your own damn home, maybe he "can't" use your home for their visits.

Blue Moon's picture

It's so sad that Friday doesn't make you smile Sad

I was just talking with a colleague about how everybody's happy and smiling on a Friday... I also feel that way - because I don't live with my partner. Although I sometimes despair that I may be 50 by the time the Skid ages out, at least I live peacefully in my own home.

I don't have have any advice for you, but I feel your pain and I'm sending you hugs (((((((   ))))))))))

hereiam's picture

"I only have a few days with them a month, I can't discipline them. You should support me in that."

How do you have any respect for your husband? I don't care how many days he sees his kids, he needs to be a parent to them, discipline them, and teach them about respect.

I would absolutely not be supporting him in being a lousy parent and a lousy husband.

 

Cover1W's picture

Ah yes, the old "Responsibility without Authority" - my personal favorite.  You can, and are expected to be 'just like a mother' to them but have no right to discipline, instill rules or make sure things actually function in the household.

Stop.  Stop paying for things, stop booking and paying for travel for everyone, stop doing for everyone.  Your husband and skids cannot have it both ways. 

Read Stepmonster - this book does a great job explaning this situation.

Stepped in what momma's picture

Stop doing what you are doing because it isn't working for you. Don't ask them to help you with one thing anymore. I actually hired a girlfriend daughter who is the same age as my step daughter, she comes over and I pay her to help me with cleaning and chores around the house. She is a great kid and we get along really well. It burns my step up to see us hanging out and having a good time, it espcially burns her to see me pay her. Now the step is trying to "help" me and I told her not to worry about it that I have lined out help with someone else. I smile big and move on.

If I was ignored by anyone in my own home every one would know not to do it more then once. If that was happening to me I might just walk up behind them and repeat whatever I had said the first time I was ignored in the loudest screaming voice I could muster and when I scared the shi* out of them, I would explain that I screamed because they must not have heard me the first time becuase I know they weren't ignoring an adult in their own home. People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you, there is no snot nose kid that is going to ignore me in my own home; period. In all honesty why do you even try to talk to them anyway? I would make plans that kept me out of the house on the weekends that they are there. STOP paying for their crap, they are never going acknowledge what you do, it sounds like your own husband doesn't even notice the things you do to help him and his family. In regards to the skid talking crap to your toddler I would come over the top with him on that, making it very clear he needed to watch the way he is speaking or he can not come back. There is no way I would allow anyone talk to my kid that way, I don't care who their dad is. If their dad doesn't like the way you speak to his kids let him know that is fine by you and that you understand his kids won't be coming back over anymore. Serve these people up a little of what you've been getting and see how it goes from there.

Harry's picture

STOP. Buying, thing for them, no vacations, no nothing for them until they show respect.  Any exter money goes to your Bio.  Bio goes to Disney World,  SK go to park around the block 

Jaysmom18's picture

I am in the same boat! I have decided to not pay for ANYTHING from now on! So ungrateful and rude ! Tonight the youngest ss told his father not to help my bring some him downstairs because they’re mine so I should do it! Sounded just like something his mother would say! Sucks not having control of rude children!! Hang in there mama ❤️

rocksandrolls's picture

For the comments above. They help. I finally lost it today and "snapped" and told each of them to stop disrespecting me, that I'd lived with it for years, and I couldn't handle it anymore. Now the skids are off crying, and husband wants me to go chat with them to make them feel better. THEM. Meanwhile Husband is sitting there totally denying any involvement he has had in any of this. Oh the stories I could tell you guys - the pstd I suffer is extreme (from a year of actual verbal assalut post partum). He knows that I have ptsd and still is baffled when I finally "react" by addressing the issue with him and the kids. Why can't I just be chill he says. This is a nightmare. I hate it for my toddler. 

Harry's picture

Do not let your DH and SK talk down to you.  Stand your ground.  It’s going to be your way, or the highway.  If it goes bad. Then Disengage, Disengage, and Disengage.  No taking them anywhere, no vacations, no buying them anything.  No doing for them.  If DH wants to be a friend not a parent,  That’s ok,  He cooks, Cleans, and does everything for them.