I believe if the step parent is contributing to the mortgage and helping keep the lights and water running in at the skids' home then he/she should definitely have a say so as to where they live and what schools they attend. End of story. We are creating little monsters here who grow up to be bigger monsters.

My mother is crazy and truly thinks she’ll win the lottery. We talk all the time about what we would do if we had a TON of money. At first I thought I’d pay for a home where the kids live then I thought better.

If I could afford it I’d pay for BM to move here because of the schools. Here the schools are so much better. Everything about them is better. They have better funding, less violence, more opportunities.

The ONLY thing the kids’ current school has on ours is their friends are there.

You better believe if I had a child in school where we lived I’d do everything I can to never move them out of it.

I got had the wonderful joy of moving schools a few times when I was young. It didn’t matter the first 3 times because all of them were located on a military base like you spoke of. After my parents got out I was in for a shock. The government takes good care of their own while public schools off base are a crapshoot.

The school I went to was garbage. Before moving I was in specialized classes to help with a learning disability I had. After the move I wasn’t because the school didn’t have those programs. The budget was so low the art teacher could afford one giant box of crayons for the whole year. Health was taught by PE teachers who didn’t even know how to spell STD and Spanish was a joke that was only taught because they absolutely had to to keep what little funding they got. Students were redoing wiring for the football field as part of their classes. One year I even had a science teacher not only refuse to teach evolution because it was against her religion but she completely taught another lesson wrong despite half the class telling her it was wrong so the next day she had to redo the whole thing but how dare we correct a teacher.

If you’re kids in a good school you do your best to keep them there because you never know what you’re going to get.

This is one of those things where I can only say "If you were a parent you would understand..." I hated it when people said that to me, but it's true. There might be a million reasons why. 1) they've already had substantial disruption to their lives, why add more? 2) if the school is good and you're happy, then you just don't know what you'll get. 

I moved my son out of private school because I wanted to leave my abusive ex and there wasn't the money to pay for that and two households. I wanted my son to continue there, but my marriage had got to life or death point. My mental and physical health were failing and the thought of another five years literally made me want to kill myself. It was that bad. Otherwise I wouldn't have moved him. I hated the school he moved to, I probably could have moved him again, but I didn't want to disrupt him further. It's all fine now because he's going to an excellent secondary school come next week. Unfortunately, it will be a shock to his system because his old school let him coast for so long. He stagnated. I didn't like his friends and for the most part I didn't like his friends' parents. (For what it's worth they didn't get me either.)  If I'd wanted my son to associate with England's equivalent of trailer trash, I might as well have stayed in my podunk town in the Buckle of the Bible Belt - meth belt, whatever. I'm a snob, sue me. 

3) there may be other support - parents you know who can collect your kids in an emergency, family who live close by, etc etc. 

4) it might be in better catchment areas for better high schools and believe me - it makes a huge difference.

I mean, hey - you could get a job closer to their school right? I mean what's the big deal, moving jobs?

My DD attended one of the best schools in the US. Education is very important for everyone in my family.

Sure it meant living in the most expensive city in my state etc But I wouldn’t jeopardize my DDs education. I wouldn’t move her out of that school if I had a man who demanded I move somewhere else.

It’s ok to just date and wait when kids are out of school if moving is an issue. 

Not everyone is desperate to chase a man in detriment to their children and their education. Also providing children with the best education doesn’t automatically makes them sheltered. There is nothing sheltered about my DD. 

We hear about too many women who turn their life upside down, make huge sacrifices  and cause havoc in their own and their kids’ lives so they can keep a man. Not everyone wants to live this way. 

I don't get it either.  I was a military kid and we moved more times than I can count.  I can talk to anyone about anything and, while I have major flaws, not being able to deal with change is not one of them.  Even person I ever met who grew up military or whose parent was in a corporate job requiring moving to advance (IBM = I've Been Moved  LOL) tends to be self-sufficient and able to roll with what life dishes out.  To me, the family goes where the majority breadwinner is employed.  That is going to work best in an intact family but I don't think it is a tragedy when a parent has to move in a divorce situation.  It can be a major opportunity for a kid to experence another area of the country or the world and, while they may not get to have daily time with both parents, the time they do have with the parent who moved is usually focused on them because it is limited and special.  The world does not revolve around individuals and economic necessity is a real thing.  I don't think it is bad for children to grow up simply accepting that as part of life.

There are plenty of bio parents who are willing to compromise with their SOs and live in a place that works for the entire family, including the SO.  There may be situations where a kid's school should trump the SO's desire (such as where the new school is particularly bad or dangerous, or the kid needs a special program that isn't available at the other school), but for the most part there's no reason that one party in a relationship needs to make all the sacrifices.  When that happens, I have to think it's because the bio parent doesn't really value his/her partner.  If they were valued, there would be discussion and compromise, at least IMO.

There is no reason that one person should make all the sacrifices. Someone who values their SO will take their needs into consideration as well.

I think making decisions as a family, including compromise and sacrifice, is entirely different than making major sacrifices for someone you date. Having a family  and dating  a girlfriend isn’t the same thing. 

Well I also moved around a lot as a kid and I absolutely hated it. I hated starting over every time. I hated being the new kid and having to find new friends every time my parents made us move. I truly believe it is why I have a reluctance to feeling like I belong in new social situations. I would not wish that on my children and I would understand if we had to stay put because we were the only ones in the school district to keep skid here.

I think it depends on the situation. Sometime sit's a good school, sometimes the parents are just stubborn.

DH had this thing for a while where he was all "my kids should stay in these schools! They're the ones I went to!" But I have been so unimpressed. They give me mixed signals on SD9 (She's possibly dyslexic! Talk to them about what we should do and suddenly it's all "She's improving!" Yay! And then it's possible dyslexia again....) Not to mention the school just isn't super great in general.

I've finally convinced him they'd be better off at a different school and that moving is okay. He agrees now that he's seeing the whiplash from it all.

Not saying we'll move tomorrow or anything.

But I think it varies between this stubborness (particularly if it's their home town) and them thinking it's a good school.

I agree, this is frustrating to me as well. For some reason my SO is sooo set on not moving out of the town we live in, and he always uses skids school as the majority of the excuse. Now, I actually really like the town, would prefer not to move out, but the reality is:

a) Skids private school kind of sucks actually. It's perochial, and they FORCE it down these kids throats that they should also go to a private high school (they have 2 that are "affiliates") that cost $10K or more a year. Like, in 2nd and 3rd grade, multiple times a year, they take the kids to tour these schools, give them free pens and crap, and talk to the kids about going there in high school. They brainwash them. So now we have SS12 whining and begging constantly to go there, and my SO has had to tell him literally 15 times, in no uncertain terms, that he is NEVER going to those schools, he's going to public school for High School. It's ridiculous. Also, they have gotten more strict, and we don't like the new rules, plus they never even talk to skids about what to do in an active shooter situation, which I feel is imperative these days. Anyway, we don't love the school.

b) It is MUCH more expensive to live in our town than in neighboring towns. We could have our choice of houses in other towns, but ours now there is nothing available in our range. Yes his family lives here too, but we could easily see them if we lived within 30 mins.

It's frustrating because there doesn't seem to be a lot of good reasons, but when it comes down to it, he doesn't want to move and will use skids school as an excuse every time. It isn't the end of the world for skids to change schools!

Also a military brat who moved close to 15 times before I graduated high school.. yes.. that IS a lot.  Now, I will caveat this to say that many of the moved involved DODDS schools which were attended by other frequently disrupted kids so it wasn't quite the same dynamic that you will get when a kid changes schools in an area where that is relatively less common.

My MIL did much pearl clutching any time I suggested that changing schools was a valid option.  She just couldn't see how that couldn't scar them.  In reality, they did do some school changing.. but not a lot. 

If you have both households in the same general area, I can see the benefit to everyone by the kids getting to go to the same school system where both households can easily go to school events and pickups etc.. are easier because of the proximity.  In our case, we lived anywhere from an hour to three hours each way to pick up the girls and that did limit their dad's ability to go see their events etc.. (win for me..lol).  I know some people have it in their decree that they CAN't move from a certain area and with that.. it may involve court wranglings and in the end, you will probably find the judge will give more time to the parent who is willing to stay in the area where the kids already have a community link.  So that can make moving away inconvenient and expensive and both those will impact the step parent just as they will the bio parent.

Unfortunately, this is part of the deal with the devil some people may be making when marrying someone who has kids from a prior relationship.  Good to know what limiting factors it will place on you... and find that out in advance before you rush in get attached or get pregnant and be super locked in. I think it's probably going to be more likely that there will be some limitations on life that develop when you marry someone with kids.  this is potentially one of them... so if you think you can't handle it then this is the wrong person for you.. or if  you think your spouse won't support yoru needs.. again.. not right relationship for you.