Pulling Away after 2 hated pregnancies
I am trying to disengage from my SS16 and SD15. I also have 2 sons with my DH (2 year; 3 mos). About 6 months before I became pregnant with my first son, my DH and I fought for custody of all 3 of my Skids. We got two and that was a long battle. We were so happy to have them and we always told them that. I take on a lot of the parenting responsibilities because my husband works a lot. Doctors, orthodontists, school events, sports, etc. - I was there for all of it.
When we broke the news that I was pregnant the first time, they weren't very happy about it. They seemed OK with it at first, but as time went on they continued to say it was "weird" and "strange" that they had a brother so much younger than them and that they were uncomfortable with it. I didn't talk about the pregnancy at all around them and never "made a big deal" out of him (after he was born) with them around. I always would talk to them when I came home from work with my little guy on my hip - giving them the time they wanted/needed from me. I did EVERYTHING I could to not make us having a new baby in the house burden them at all or change their lives. I did what I could to not have their schedules change at all - sometimes at the expense of my DS.
When I became pregnant a second time, they both were very angry. They both told me what I want doesn't matter and that my DH and I should have asked them first if it was OK! I am NOT living my life based on what two kids think is and is not OK for me as an adult to do. The arguments went on about how I am selfish and my husband doesn't care about them. They both said they wanted nothing to do with either of my kids. For some reason, me wanting to have my own bio kids meant we didn't care about them and we were "replacing" them. My husband is very active in their lives (and was as much as BM would allow before they moved in with us) and we still continue to have the least amount disruption to their lives as possible because of the two little boys.
My SS16 moved out (at the time 15) and in with BM - big mistake. She is a friend instead of a parent and allowed him to do whatever he wanted. He ended up in a metal health facility (of course completely blaming it on me having another child - not the years of mental abuse he suffered from BM before he lived with us), got some drug tickets and several tickets against his license. He eventually asked to move back in with us - and we of course took him back in immediately. It's what is best for him.
The entire time my SD15 stayed with us - she didn't do it because she wanted to. She flat out told me the only reason she stayed was because her BM is unreliable and we get her to the places she wants to go and keep her in sports. She knows BM wouldn't help with anything or pay for anything. Thanks...I guess...
Now I have my 2 little guys and honestly want NOTHING to do with my Skids. I have a hard time even talking to them. I know they don't like me and I hate that they have now taken the joy of TWO pregnancies away from me. I still ask how their day is and ask about various things they have told me about in their lives - I'm not mean, but I'm not as "into" their stories as I used to be. I backed away from doing anything except the basic "musts" for them - appointments and dinner. I didn't want to discipline or anything - that was DH's responsibility as far as I was concerned.
My biggest problem though - is my DH has disengaged too. He was very upset with them and knew I was/am. He is tired of the nonsense with their BM. She continues to treat them SO poorly and they always run to her when she calls saying she needs them or wants to see them (then turns around and makes plans so they come right back home; or says something really mean & inappropriate to them so they come home early).
Oh - and to top it off, the oldest SD18 hasn't even seen my youngest who is not almost 4 mos old.
So fun...step parenting...
I don't have much advice- but
I don't have much advice- but I'm so sorry!!! ((( hug)))
Brats
Time to disengage
"They both told me what I want doesn't matter and that my DH and I should have asked them first if it was OK! Excuse me, but what the h*ll?!! They need a reality check and your DH needs to spell it out for them. If they don't like it they can go to BM's. If they want to stay in your home they are going to have to practice mutual respect. Period.
Refuse
dont let those jerky little jerkwads steal one more second of you celebrating your joy with your little ones as much as you want.
I had 2 teenagers(my
I had 2 teenagers(my biochildren) when I had my very youngest child(This was back in my first marriage, I had 4 bio kids). I never understood the ones who act bratty about mom having another baby! Teens are selfish and self-centered but mine weren't about having a new sibling and neither were any other teens we knew in similar situations.
My mouth just fell open when I read the part about how you should have asked sd first?! This sucked the joy out of your pregnancies and enjoying your new baby like you should have, that hurts my heart for you.
What should be happening here is YOU disengaging and your SO doing the parenting. You not worrying about taking care of your skids. That's their mom and dad's job and they definately don't want you in that spot. They are using you, sd15 was clear about that! Maybe it's time to pretend the skids aren't there. Have SO only deal with them. He helped create this situation. He should fix it.
You sound like a really nice
You sound like a really nice person who has wanted the best for your stepkids. However, it was you who chose to make the sacrifice to not impact these kids' lives and tiptoed around them. It was you who chose to treat it like a burden they must be shielded from. I've no doubt these kids are spoiled and it sounds awful even if they aren't especially spoiled they're teens and all teens have bratty moments. If they stole the joy from your pregnancy it was because you let them. It's awful to realise that the sacrfices we make aren't appreciated - but instead of demanding appreciation for something they may not have even realised you were doing, stop making the sacrifice.
It sounds like it was also you who supported your DH to uproot them from their previous home. Maybe it was for the best, it's not clear how bad things were from your story. It also sounds like he put a lot of the parenting responsiblity on you and is taking on even less now. I know you have a lot of empathy and you're not a mean person, but I'm sure you're probably also really tired and maybe not getting much sleep - this can't make things easier.
You and your dh wanted kids, you don’t ever need their
Permission!! They need to grow up!!
i have never felt the need that me and hubby had to ask then 16 yr old ss for permission before having kids. We got married, having kids was a progressive step. If he isn’t happy about it and one day says and admits he never wanted siblings then he can grow up. Its not all about him and never will be.
if my stepkids said that i should have asked their permission, i would very likely tell them to get stuffed and they were out of line.
when they get older and want to have kids do they need to ask me for permission? Of course not so they are just being a bunch of selfish hypocrites