Can't take it anymore
I have been trying to make it work but I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. Our first ever one week long vacation is coming up this week which I am excited about. The single Dad I am dating is not excited about it because I apparently pushed my way in to make him give up the week he usually spends with his son on vacation and give it to me. He is now asking to cut the trip a day short and is also saying that he has never been away from the kid this long. I told him before we went I want to make sure he is going to the airport and coming back from the airport with me. He agreed to this and now has changed his mind after the fact because of his people pleasing. He is now saying its too much time away from the son and he needs to pick up his son that night because he doesn't trust his parents to drive the kid to their house and because its not fair to the kid and he wants to see him after being away so long. I said that this was a trigger for me and I didn't want to be going home alone from the airport. I offered a compromise of him spending the entire next day with the kid instead of him spending all of labor day with him. He said spending the day is not the same as spending the night time. And that I am not considering his needs in all of this and he feels uncomfortable with all of this. Yesterday he also said that "as long as he wakes up and the son is there." This is a deeply hurtful statement. What about as long as he wakes up and I am there? Why am I never even considered here? He says his son is a minor and needs to be put first. I also asked if on the weekends he has the son he can split them evenly- Friday night and Saturday through 6 pm with the son and Sat night through Mon am with me- he said no. I am asking too much and those are his sons weekends. If I want to see them I can go there and spend the weekend with them but he isn't willing to give up any time. He keeps guilting me and saying how terrible his son must feel because the kid is now spending less time with him and the kid really needs his Dad around. Ok- then why is his Dad even dating at all? If that is really how he feels why put me or any single, childless woman through this? He says there are tons of other women that would be understanding of this situation and would embrace it and will love his kid as if its their own. I feel he just expects it and is entitled about it and doesn't actually at all realize how challenging this is for the other person. I often feel I always come last and he doesn't even hide it. Is it too much to ask for a man who wants to go on a trip with you and come home with you from the trip and not immediately run back to their kid leaving you alone and make you feel terrible about it? I feel this is eroding my self esteem and already shaky sense of self. Also, he still sends the ex wife photos of him and the kid together which makes me feel uncomfortable. Also tells her what a great Mom she is and gives emotional support. I asked him to stop this, he doesn't want to, and says doesn't wan't to change how things are because they are good. WTF.
Yup- this is why I ended my
Yup- this is why I ended my relationship with my fiancé.
It's nothing but a damn nightmare
I can see him not giving up
I can see him not giving up his weekends, as really that is correct it is his time with his son.
I think you need to make the choice if you want to be involved with someone with a kid and all that it entails.
We don't have kids so we can
We don't have kids so we can't understand it at all- it's really that simple
I don't have kids, but I
I don't have kids, but I understand that most parents don't have children expecting to be a part time parent.
Yes- but expecting a bit of
Yes- but expecting a bit of time away from the children is to be expected if you marry someone- it should be expected that not literally every second of the relationship should revolve around the kids.
There are such things as boundaries
I agree there should be
I agree there should be boundaries. But most people who have children expect to have a normal, full time relationship with them (as a full time parent; not part time)...including time away with grandparents or babysitters. I don't know anyone who had children expecting to be an EOWe (or less) parent. That's the point I was trying to make.
Spouse
I feel like his kid is his spouse. I also feel he is completely overbearing. The kid should be able to deal w being apart from the Dad more than usual if he really wants to get remarried. Why can't the kid spend a single night away from the birth mother of father? They don't trust anyone else to watch the kid over night- not even his own parents! Even asking him to do that was a fight. At the. end of the day I feel he is already in a relationship with his son and I don't even know what I am doing here. All of his emotional intimacy needs are met with the kid- and the ex wife. Why am I even here?
I felt the same- mine was
I felt the same- mine was supposed to have visitation every second weekend- after one visit wih the daughter he threw out all of our plans and was going to talk to lawyer about full custody simply because she said she wanted to live with him full time.
He didn't even ask me!!! I was supposed to marry him next month and move to another country for him and he didn't even ask me if I would be ok with his kid moving in full time!! Wtf!
I realized then that my entire life would be dictated by him, his kid and his ex wife
"Why am I even here?"
"Why am I even here?"
Because emotionally unavailable men don't usually know that they're that way, so they want to have their cake and eat it, too. With divorce, there's an empty spot on the pillow next to his for some lucky gal - provided she doesnt have any needs or self esteem. Men like this haven't done the real work of uncoupling emotionally. Your SO is still emotionally tied to his ex and the intact family he used to have.
Throw this one back and find a man who is crazy about you and can't wait to take a romantic vacation with you.
Yep
this guy isn't a "single" dad. He's a dad with baggage.
He's being honest. If he was
He's being honest. If he was still married, he'd be a fulltime, 24/7 Dad and it sounds like that's what he wants.
ok but
Thats fine but then why is he dating single childless women??? Last girl he dated was the same age as me. Lived in another state. saw her monthly and long distance and after a year of dating broke up w her after the ex wife said she didnt like her.. Gues the ex wife still has that much say that if she doesnt like me after a year as a fit parent for the kid I am gonna get kicked to the curb also and he clearly will listen because after all " the kid comes first"
I'm going to be blunt .
End the relationship. It is not working out and I think you both are going to have a hard time comprising and meeting somewhere in the middle of both your needs.
His comment of lots of women would be with him and "love his kid like their own" is staight up gaslighting bullcrap.
Can you find a friend to go with you on vacation... hell go by yourself! If you go with him it will be a miserable waste of money! Pining for his son... how terrible you are for making him go, blah blah.
Please, save yourself futher heartache and wasted time.
Why?? It's possible he's
Why?? It's possible he's looking for a stepmother for his child. A woman to do all of the mommy/housewifey things he expects.
.
how can he be a full time dad and also focus on getting re married? i feel he is a full time dad and nuclear family with the ex wife still. I literally don't even know why he dates anyone. it isn't fair to the women who get strung along. he just keeps saying that there are many women who will love his kid and appreciate the structure and stability he can provide for them, whatever the hell that even means. when i asked his vision of the future it doesnt really say much about being a great hbusband for a second marriage, its more about a blended family working out like the brady brunch. he then said " im tired of nobody caring abuot my needs. im the only one trying to balance everyone." well i wasnt the one who decided to have a kid, get divorced, and throw it on someone else. Sorry. But who else would be trying to balance this? I have ZERO attachments other than my DOG. Why is he guilting me? Who else should be trying to balance this and considering his needs? The kid? The ex wife? He takes zero responsibility for the situation HE CREATED
You are struggling with the WHY?
Why he does what he does. Forget the "why" he bothers to date. That' s irrelevant at this point. It sounds like he is the "my way or the highway" type of guy. He is showing you he does not have room for a woman in his life unless she accepts that she is of little importance.
You know you dont want that. No woman would. Do yourself a favour and listen to the advice on here. He is not worth all this frustration, anxiety, and the loss of self esteem.
Good luck
You guys have different
You guys have different priorities and are at different places, and wanting and expecting different things.
Just as easily as you asked “why would he date single/childless women?”, I would ask yourself “Why when I’m a single chilfless woman wanting full availability do I want to be strapped with a guy with a kid and responsibilities to a kid?”.
He is welcoming you into his kids life, but that isn’t what you are wanting either. There are some single guys and girls who will embrace that life, and some who won’t....
I understand where you are coming from, before I had my DD I would have NEVER EVER considered dating a single dad, or someone who was divorced. Heck even for a while there after I had my DD I would only date guys without kids (and it would work). My DH has kids and an ex, and no it isn’t easy.... but we have made it work.
This one simply isn’t the one for you.... so I would just put yourself back on the market and find a nice guy sans children and an ex and go travel and do as your heart desires. Don’t waste your energy trying to find fault.... that is why we date to see if it will work out or not, now you know it isn’t.... so go find someone who will make you happy
And yes this is a situation
And yes this is a situation “HE CREATED”, but not exactly one that can be “undone”, and you knew that going into it too- so I wouldn’t say he was leading anyone on. Now if he had lied and pretended he didn’t have a kid and sprung that one on you I would say he was leading you on.
why does he date?
why does he date?
One answer = sex
He's looking for Carol Brady... AND Alice
He's looking for Carol Brady... AND Alice.
Head for the HILLS. You've totally figured out this guy's number. Yes, he may be loveable but as others here suggest, he's already got a family & is showing you how he "handles" the relationships in his life.
Sorry you're going through this, you deserve so much better!
I think this is really a
matter of the two of you being at different stages of your life. Most parents do not get half of the time off from their kids. The average married couple has one or two date nights per month and they make it work. I started dating my husband has a full time single mom who only had one weekend a month and once a week free from kids. We made it wok but it was because we wanted to make it work. Neither of you really want to make it work.
And honestly, he shouldn't give up half of his weekends with his child for you because it wouldn't work that way if you were married. Now, one weekend night a month when he has his kid? Sure. But half of every custodial weekend? That is a bit unreasonable. That being said there is no fault in this failing relationship. You aren't right for each other.
I am a child-free woman and
I am a child-free woman and my SO has his kids 50% of the time. The first time we went away for a week was when we had been dating for a few months, and he could not have been more eager to go on a kid-free vacation. Kids stayed with the ex, he called them once or twice while we were gone, we had a great vacation and he was really happy to see them when we got home. Vacation was A-OK. However, if I suggested that he give up his parenting time with them on a regular basis, that would go over like a lead balloon. If you want to date a single dad, you need to be willing to accept that his kids are going to be a major part of his life and there will be times when you will come second to the kids. Of course, there need to be plenty of times when you are first priority to make up for that or it won't work.
It sounds like you and your boyfriend aren't looking for the same thing and are at different stages of your life. His son is his priority; his relationship does not seem to be a priority. It's probably time to move on.
I love how he says "there are
I love how he says "there are PLENTY of women out there who would LOVE to look after his brat like it was their own"
UMMMMM, yeah righto mate
also
It also is concerning to me he wants every GF to meet the kid after like 2 months. Why? He says the kid meets lots of people including all of his friends and the more the merrier and it hasn't scarred him at all and the more love he has in his life the better. I thought dads cared about not introducing kids to their SO until after at least 6 months or a year or they were serious and considering marriage. He wasn't considering marrying either of the last ones so why did they meet the kid and spend so much time w him and now neither talk to the kid anymore? Basically that is whats gona happen with me too so why even meet the kid, seriously
He want to
Recreate a life that he never had !!! First marrage could not be that great if they got devorice! So now he want a great marrage, great family. Good life for his son. Even through that never happen the first time. So get one of those thing that gives out numbers , for all the woman who will be lineup for him and his kid
Ladies, take a number
Haha that guy is a deludinoid. After you've left him, would be great to do a one-year check-in to hear how his fabulous new nanny I mean girlfriend/fiance/wife is getting along in that swamp.
"Some Commitments are More Important"
When I brought up him committing to going on the trip with me, coming home from the trip with me and spending that weekend with me- and that he gave his word for it- he said "some commitments are more important to keep than others" WTF. So basically he is actually saying I am worthless and his son is more important. Except if he wasn't such a chronic people pleaser he would have not made the commitment to the son that weekend and made alternative plans- instead- he made a commitment to me- never changed the schedule w him= and changed his mind a few days before the trip and said "his son needs him" and to take car service home alone and he can see me the next day. I offered to be flexible and told him I was willing to give up all of monday or saturday so he could spend it with his son- he said "no" and that the son needs him overnight and i should be fine alone or stay in a hotel. I cannot believe he said some commitments are more important to keep than others. I honestly don't know if I will ever get over this statement. This has entirely eroded my self esteem and basically makes me feel worthless. Whatever happened to keeping your word?? I specifically planned the trip this way because I knew it would make me feel bad to go there with him and come home alone to my apt- I wanted to feel like he was coming back with me and not immediately leaving me for the kid again. He said he could do this, and said later on that I asked for too much too soon- that I should be happy he's even giving me the week when normally the kid gets it, and I am asking for too much. He says hes never spent this much time away from the kid- meanwhile last summer went to europe for over a week and this year is going away traveling alone for another week- the kid will be w the ex wife then= and he doesn't care about that- apparently he only worries if the kid is away from him for a week when hes with me- but if he travels alone for work or fun- he doesn't worry at all. WTF. It is also important to note I have my own MI issues which he is well aware of and apparently doesn't actually care what my triggers are re abandonment because hes willing to throw me under the bus at any moment so he can spend more time with the kid. He also keeps saying no one is advocating for the kid and he needs to be bc clearly I don't care about the kid. Last night he also threw in my face the mother was his biological mother and he is the father which sent me off into a rage because I don't need to be reminded of that!!!!
and said later on that I
And this was coming from the guy who was sprinting to the altar...
Please leave this man. He is
Please leave this man. He is not the one for you.
I think you should note some
I think you should note some of the responses on here- to which I have nothing to add except they are right. These men are fantastist Ostriches who believe in a world where women exist who will give up their time, money, homes, jobs, minds, brains and bodies to be sacrificed on the altar of stepmomdom. He doesn't know or care about you as a person- to him you are a cartoon character woman who, once you assert yourself as an individual with your own needs and rights, will turn into an evil harridan who has fooled him and then revealed her true self as a woman with warts, a toothless grin and a pointy hat. To these men there is nothing in between. Wake up and get out- before you end up as nothing more than a pile of old clothes rocking in the corner!
Honestly why are you dating
Honestly why are you dating men with kids? How old are you? My DD is 30 and is a widow (no kids). She is in a dating scene now, she absolutely doesn’t date men with kids. Sure maybe she’ll meet someone with kids but that’s not the plan.
I raised my kid and have no interest in doing it again so when I dated in my late 40s I only dated men with grown children. None with minor kids. Nope. Never. So I’ve met my DH whose kids are also grown.
why are you childless and likely young woman date a man with young child and then argue how he has to give this or that up? You are asking why is he dating childless woman but why don’t you ask why YOU date men with young kids when there are ton of men with no kids. Unless you live in some isolated area or different planet
And I agree with your SO. It’s too much too soon and too much pushing. Three months is really nothing and you already insist on going away for a week!!! And he must not go see his son after the trip. That’s way out there. It hasn’t been long enough for such demands. He might be unavailable or just an idiot but what you are doing is way out there too. You can’t change him but you can look at your own actions. It looks desperate and needy.
I think that a lot of women
I think that a lot of women that don't have kids, don't realize what being with a man that has kids is actually like until you do it.
If she's anything like me, she'll NEVER do it again.
Lesson learned
One doesn’t need to have
One doesn’t need to have children to have common sense. It’s unrealistic to demand that the parent stops seeing his minor children 50% of the time because girlfriend wants to hang out with boyfriend alone. It’s ridiculous. If his son was 25, sure, no need to spend 50/50 with him. But how is a girlfriend determining how much parents need to see their minor kids? Why isn’t 50% enough? Why such neediness? I recommend therapy to address it.
Id not date a man who demanded I saw my minor DD less.
Lol- I don't think people
Lol- I don't think people need therapy to realize that they don't want to come in last place after a kid and ex- it's hard to know exactly how frustrating this kind of situation is until you experience it for yourself.
Theres literally nothing wrong with people trying something out, not liking it and realizing that it's not going to work for them and then venting their frustrations.
Its not 'common' sense to enter a relationship and expect to be treated like a second class villain in your own relationship- you live and learn.
I agree with trying it and
I agree with trying it and realizing it’s not working. But it’s not that OP tried to date single dad and saw it’s not working out, she actively demands he sees his young son less. That’s unrealistic demand. After 3 months of dating she decides that 50/50 isn’t right arrangement for her and demands changes. Or after a week vacation grown woman can’t spend a night alone?
I am on SMs side normally but not when it’s total unrealistic nonsense.
why doesn’t she need therapy?
She has mental health/mental illness issues (as she said) and struggles with abandonment issue. She wants him to be understanding of her abandonment issues (that she can’t just go to her apartment after their trip and needs him there). He isn’t her therapist though and doesn’t need to start seeing his kid less because she has issues.. When people struggle with mental health concerns, therapy is very appropriate suggestion
Ahhhh ok. gotcha xo
Ahhhh ok.
gotcha xo
the worst part
Is the constant guilt he is putting on me because he feels the guilt! Keeps saying his son needs him and its wrong to leave him alone for so long and why he needs to see him every other day and every other weekend bla bla bla. I don't actually feel good about the trip- he wants to cut it early so he can spend more time w the kid. meanwhile he never wanted to cut his personal trip short last year or the one hes taking for a week alone this year. Doesn't care how the kid feels then- but only cares now and keeps guilting me for it. The kid hasn't even complained- maybe cried once. He is the one with the guilt and codependent issues- i wish he had done this work with someone else before mtg me. He didnt have to with his other gf because she lived in another state and she LOVED the kid and was obsessed. he still kicked her to the curb anyway after a year when ex wife didnt like her. what ex wife says goes..
What is it about
What is it about this guy that you want to be around? He sounds like a self-obsessed jerk who has to have everything his way and has no problem belittling anyone who asks to be recognized as a real person with real needs. And by your own words, you really don't seem to like him very much.
If the sex is great, get a vibrator. If you have to have a man under any circumstances, get some therapy. If you are lonely, get a dog. And if you feel unattractive, get a haircut and a new lipstick. But this guy reallly seems to be detracting from your life. Not adding to it. Cancel the vacation or dis-invite him from it and go alone or with a friend. Tell him he is welcome to go find one of those many women who will just loooooove to be at his beck and call when he has a moment free to tell them how lucky they are that he is free for a moment.
Your lives, values and
Your lives, values and priorities do not mesh. Cut him loose and watch him swim back to BM.
After your last couple
After your last couple responses, i think you are coming across as super and I mean SUPER needy, and clingy and I think that he is blowing you off because of it.
It isn’t right to dictate how much time someone spends with their kid- that is ridiculous. Either you accept it or you move on.... it should be about what works for you.... and if it doesn’t work you move on.
You said he goes on other trips and doesn’t cut them short.... to me that says that most likely he doesn’t actually look at you as long term thing. It might not even have anything to do with his kid if he doesn’t usually care but does now..... he prob has another girlfriend. Why could you come spend the day with him and his kid but you aren’t allowed to get his kid with him?! He prob wants to be back home go visit his other girlfriend and then pick up his kid the next day to cover his tracks.
I think that you need to not date guys with kids for starters, and you need to work on yourself a bit to get a good sense of who you are, your value, and what you need out of a mate. Then you will find someone suitable, and not fly off the handle because some guy you are dating can’t spend one day with you; or whatever.... because you will know no matter what you will be ok
He dates childless women
He dates childless women because he’s selfish and wants you to be emotionally available for him and treat his feelings and concerns in a way that he is unwilling to do for you.
The “lots of women would love to be in your shoes” line is straight up abusive, emotionally manipulative, gaslighting bull crap.
If you stay with him, he will always use the kid as an enormous trump card to do everything his way and get everything he wants. It’s a bullying technique.
You’re 100% correct. In a healthy partnership, both people make compromises to accommodate the other person. It’s supposed to be an arrangement that benefits both parties...not just the one with the kid.
Did you catch the piece where
Did you catch the piece where she said she has huge abandonment issues that he is aware of?!
i think this guy has figured out what he is in for and is trying to get away now.
You can’t honestly think it is acceptable for a girlfriend of a couple months to tell someone they can only see their kid 50% of the time when they already only see them part time! You can’t possiboy think that is normal behaviour??
Her compromise is that he cuts his time with is kid in half.... how is that a compromise- he already only has his kid HALF the time!!!!!!! Lol. Her compromise is that he becomes childless for her?! That is absurd. Why would he give up his kid for a girlfriend (who admits to having jealousy and abandonment issues already). What if they don’t last?! He gave up half his aloted time to a girl he is dating.
He very well might not be a prized pig but I think she needs to work on herself more than anything here and not date guys with kids. She sounds extraordinarily pushy, and I can assume he most likely didn’t want to go on this trip and was pushed into it.
He is I’m assuming a dedicated dad, and she wants someone who is glued at her hip and whose life is consumed with making her feel better.... when the only person in reality who can help her is herself.
Amen. Thar exactly what I was
Amen. Thar exactly what I was trying to say too.
Such neediness is a problem all in itself even without kid issue. I recommend to cultivate hobbies and friendships so not to be so dependent on a man.
I’d likely cancel a week long trip after only 3 months of dating. And work on neediness/abandonment issues.
Even if men have no kids, they can’t be expected to be attached to the hip. It is also possible that the guy just isn’t that interested or was interested and now lost it due to unrealistic demands and clinginess
I 100% agree with what you
I 100% agree with what you said too. I think that a guy who didn’t have kids would have EVEN more troubles with this one... because they are usually less tied down and even less tolerant of clingy behaviour.
Planning a week long trip within the first few months of dating someone sounds insane in itself. I wouldn’t do it... I would be terrified of feeling trapped! Lol.
He is already making a compromise of going on a week long trip with a girl he barely knows- I think that in itself is asking for a lot. Heck even after a week long trip with my hubby I need some breathing space.
She would have just spent a week solid with someone and is flipping out because she needs 2 more days with him when they are back or she is going to go crazy?! That scarey stuff.
She also said he has his kid every other day; and every other weekend- so she still occupies half his weekends, and over half his time, but this STILL isn’t enough for her. And he obviously has always had this arrangement- it’s not like he just sprung this on her.... and now she is trying to change that and change him because SHE needs him and it isn’t enough for her. Instead of walking away because it isn’t enough for her she is degrading the guy.... I don’t see what he has done to her?!
i think he might be a bit desperate himself to even be putting up with any of this from her to be honest. Most single guys would have bailed.
I also don’t see what is wrong with him saying a lot of girls would be ok with his situation.... because that is the truth. He is a dad who sees and cares about his kid, he can still take trips, the Mom sounds relatively stable and easy to deal with. She isn’t wigging out that he has girlfriends around. And OP it is up to him when he introduces people to his kid- it sounds like him and the mom have created stability and a routine for the kid, and I think that is more important than who he introduces his kid to.... he isn’t going to get confused because he has 2 stable parents (even though you are trying to manipulate and take that away).
You honestly need to fix your abandonment issues on your own, no one can fix that for you and it is backwards to think that. That is just way too much pressure to put on someone. You need a good councillor and to read more books- fill your life with more activities..... you have to be while yourself and confident enough within yourself in order to make ANY relationship work.
I don’t grasp needing a man
I don’t grasp needing a man there after a week vacation with him. Doesn’t one need to unpack and run laundry and go through mail and go grocery shopping etc etc. After a week being gone there is so much to do that I’d rejoice having a day to myself!
No kidding!!! I love my
No kidding!!! I love my husband more than anything in the whole world, but after a week together non-stop I am def like “k, get outta my face”. Lol.
Thing is he told her she can come over the next day and see him and his son for the next couple days after and she is still pitching a hissy fit. He sounds almost as clingy as she is to be honest, but that still isn’t enough.