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Foreshadowing our future?

caitlinj's picture

Submitted by caitlinj on Tue, 08/21/2018 - 2:05pm

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General Discussion

Things I've noticed happening.

 -When my boyfriend's kids misbhave or don't listen when being told to do something and I address it my boyfriend looks at me in front of the kids and says "Are you tired? Did you not get enough sleep? Are you hangry (hungry)?" Instead of addressing the fact that his kids do not listen when being told to do something.

-HIs kids generally do not listen unless they are offered an incentive or reward (new toy, candy, get to stay up late watching tv, etc)

- When my boyfriend and I aren't getting along he shuts me out of his kids lives completely as if I don't even exist. I dont believe htis to be healthy.

-He has his kids in his bed watching tv during the day if they are sick or bored and staying home from school and sometimes at night when they have nightmares or do not feel well. I always feel the parent's bed should be off limits to kids because I've seen the mess it creates for families when the kids get older but he disagrees and it caused a huge argument between us where I was made to look like a cold hearted B for suggesting he go to his kids' rooms instead.

I see this as foreshadowing to our future and I do not want to end up divorced therefore I'm distancing myself. My questions are do parents like this change? I have stopped bringing issues that concern me up because Im made to feel like the bad guy immediately and am outnumbered. It doesnt do much good anyways. His kids still do not listen and only tiny changes are made.

Rainydaze777's picture

Submitted by Rainydaze777 on Tue, 08/21/2018 - 2:28pm

I don't know if it gets better because I left.

But- I do know how it feels to feel like the bad guy all the time just for having reasonable requests and needs- it sucks

((( hug)))

Hershei12's picture

Submitted by Hershei12 on Tue, 08/21/2018 - 3:34pm

Is it really unreasonable to expect skids (especially older 17 and 18) to clean up after themselves? I work and then have to come home to a sink full of dirty dishes. I mean, they can't even put their dishes in the dishwasher for pete's sake and yet I have unreasonable expectations and am made out to be the wicked witch! Whatever!

It will NOT get better and if he is acting this way now while you are dating do not expect it change just because you get married. I had pictured this happy little family and we are far far far from it.

 

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Tue, 08/21/2018 - 2:29pm

From my reading on here for the past 8 years, very few change.  It takes way too much effort to parent effectively.  

The fact he questions YOU in response to their behavior is ridiculous.  I hope you you say "NO, I'm not _____, you're not parenting these brats".   He's in fact parenting YOU instead of his kids.  That's no relationship I would want to stay in.  

 

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Tue, 08/21/2018 - 3:34pm

I think some parents can change.  Some Disney parents, when shown how they're doing their kids a disservice, manage to reform.  Some parents just don't know HOW to parent, and when shown, they do fine.  My SO has made changes to his parenting based on some of my complaints.  But he never belittled me in front of the kids (which is how I view asking you if you're tired or hangry when you have a skid issue) and he has always been receptive to suggestions. In the case of your boyfriend, I don't think he's going to change.  He refuses to see where the problem lies, and tries to deflect his kids' behavior onto you.  He also doesn't seem like he wants to make changes for you.  He'd rather punish you for suggesting any change.  Your boyfriend is going to continue to treat you badly and to not parent his children properly.  I think you already know that; it's just difficult to actually make the move to leave.  Inertia is a powerful force.  But better to leave sooner than to waste more time on him - he's NOT worth it.

Outonalimb68's picture

Submitted by Outonalimb68 on Tue, 08/21/2018 - 8:36pm

I don't think it will change.  My ex would let her 9 year old boy sleep with her all the time. I didn't stay at her house when she had the kids. If I were to say something like, I feel like your kids don't like me, it would cause a sh*t storm. It's all guilt for divorcing their spouses. They have unresolved relationships with their ex spouse and it's a competition to be the favorite parent.

Maxwell09's picture

Submitted by Maxwell09 on Tue, 08/21/2018 - 8:36pm

He’s gaslighting you when he asks you those things and undermining your authority when he does it in front of his kids. Some parents thrive on the Good Guy Vs Bad Guy mentality so if BM isn’t providing the bad guy, you are the next best opportunity to make him be Dadddyyyyy of the year. 

elkclan's picture

Submitted by elkclan on Wed, 08/22/2018 - 4:14pm

People can have genuine differences about kids in beds. I do not mind it. SSs (12 and 9) do not knock before entering our bedroom. They have not been told to do so. BS does, but that's because he's afraid he'll walk in on us having sex. All of our children are allowed to hang out with us in our beds. We just happen to both agree on that. 

All parents need time alone with their biokids, but being shut out of events unilaterally does not bode well. We discuss time spent together and apart. 

THIS HOWEVER = to me this indicates that the only change, if there is change, will be for the worse. 

When my boyfriend's kids misbhave or don't listen when being told to do something and I address it my boyfriend looks at me in front of the kids and says "Are you tired? Did you not get enough sleep? Are you hangry (hungry)?" Instead of addressing the fact that his kids do not listen when being told to do something.