It is a safe area, but my SO lived in a very unsafe apartment prior to this, so he is still adjusting. Plus, if the 10 YO went outside alone, the 8 year old would be whining and angry the whole time because he couldn't go too, or he would just go out anyway. He is also legally blind. The older son also gets bored being outside alone.

Their BM is the issue. If you go back in my post history, she took them out of school and tried moving them to TN without even a word to their father. She also tried to kidnap her other older son after she lost custody of him. Don't want that happening on my watch.

The door slams almost everytime they come in or out. They aren't going to learn to not slam them if there isn't any consequences. I grew up with some people who still slam doors as adults because they never learned.

My SO buys water to take to work, he is also picky and won't even try the well water to see if he likes it. He won't drink anything but bottled at this point. I wish he would, a lot of wasted money on water every month. The kids drink the well water, and have reusable water bottles that they are to keep track of outside. Gparents didn't want to deal with that though? I don't know.

I said that during the summer, it is fine if they stay up later, but they need to start getting used to going to bed earlier again before the first day of school. When I was a kid, this started 1 - 1.5 weeks before school started. Hard to go from staying up til 10 to 8:15 in 1 night.

They can't go outside before lunch because I work from home. I get up earlier than noon, but I would like a couple hours to work without having to worry about looking out the window every once in a while to make sure they aren't hurt/aren't physically fighting/near or in the pool.

"Not asking to go outside before lunch??? Why?"

Um, maybe because I work from home and would like a couple hours to not have to worry about watching them to make sure they don't get into trouble outside. One day, when I was watching them, they were all the way over in the neighbor's driveway, playing on the retaining wall.

Who said I never worked? Theres a thing called working from home. Read my other comment about my other "strange" rules... which aren't only my rules, they are their father's rules too. Some of which, he had before meeting me.

Neither boys follow specific rules well. Still have to get on them about not taking food out of the kitchen. They also didn’t follow the rules of not leaving water bottles and lids lying around the yard. Other things are easier, like the no water bottles outside (until the grandparents got here). 

They were binging on the food before the rules changed to not snacking all day. They still gets snacks, just not all the time. And not a full bag of chips everyday like the grandparents allowed. For example, they get chips with lunch, they get snacks at after shook daycare, etc. they just don’t get snacks before dinner during the school year becasue we start cooking as soon as they get home from after school care. We are usually running around on weekends and don’t have time to snack for an hour every day. After they got back last year they were cranky about this for a month before finally getting used to the way things are at home. Snacks after dinner is usually 5 minutes after dinner, if they finish their food. But not an option if they were terrors during the day (which happens). 

It wasn’t their house, they came to our house to pick them up and they stayed for a week. The water bottles they started the very next day (we gave them almost 2 weeks to get used to the not leaving them lay around and they still couldn’t manage that, so they lost that privilege). The bedtime during the summer was not an issue, but it will be once they get back.(1.5 weeks before school starts as they need to get used to going to bed earlier again).

I never said we don’t let them out alone. Just not when no one is up/ busy occupied by work. we let them out in the yard alone, watching from the windows. Where they lived up until 3 months ago, it was unsafe to let them outside, so they are not used to being left outside alone yet... small steps until they can be outside when no one is going to be checking on them at all. 

I didn’t really word the food thing appropriately... 

They still gets snacks, just not all the time. And not a full bag of chips everyday like the grandparents allowed.(when we allowed this, they wouldn’t eat dinner and would eat all the snacks in a couple days) For example, they get chips with lunch, they get snacks at after shook daycare, etc. they just don’t get snacks before dinner during the school year becasue we start cooking as soon as they get home from after school care. We are usually running around on weekends and don’t have time to snack for an hour every day. After they got back last year they were cranky about this for a month before finally getting used to the way things are at home. Snacks after dinner is usually 5 minutes after dinner, if they finish their food. But not an option if they were terrors during the day (which happens). 

It is not my decision on if they go with their grandparents or not, that decision is 100% their fathers. I never said they were terrors all the time, and all kids get bored sometimes, even if they have plenty to do. We could take them to the park (which we have done numerous times) and played with them, and they would still be bored 20 minutes later.

The water bottle issue- (I was on mobile last night and hard to type out long responses on mobile without losing my thoughts). We moved in, I watched them alone for 2 weeks during the week. During this 2 week period, they would constantly take water bottles outside, leave the caps laying all over the yard and gravel driveway, come back in for another one before finishing the first one, dump out/waste a good portion of the water. I told them multiple times a day to pick up their trash, not to leave the bottles laying around next time, not to waste the water. They couldn't listen to that. So for the next couple days, they could only use their reusable water bottles filled with the well water. They were able to follow that rules and then there was no more wasted water bottles or wasted money (well water is free, and the electric for the well pump is bascially nothing to fill up 1 bottle).

That was when they lived in an apartment and there really was nothing else to do but watch tv most of the time. They had tv, tablets, books to read, toys to play with, etc. When it was nicer outside, we started taking them to the park to play. The autistic child has an ABA therapist who works with him 3-4 times a week. Other than that, his doctors never recommended any other type of training/etc. He has an IEP at school, and gets additional help there. The issue there was it seems like his eye doctors doesn't know or dont want to try to help him see better. 

"and if the older one has no disability.. then he can certainly help to look out for his younger brother."

We are actually wanting to do the complete opposite.... their BM would constantly tell the older brother to look after the younger brother, that he is the one responsible for him (basically saying it is his responsibility, and not my SO's or the adult that is watching them). That has caused so many issues, and puts a lot of stress on him. It is so drilled into him, that he thinks he can tell his brother what to do/not to do and correct him when he is bad, even when both SO and I are sitting right there at the same table. SO needs to constantly tell him it is not his responsibility, and is only his responsibility when there are no adults around (like if they were playing outside alone together).

I really don't think any of the simple house rules are stiffling their growth. Their father does do things that do though, like not letting either of them walk around the grocery store without holding their hands (sometimes it is necessary with the younger son if it is a crowded store, or else he would walk into everyone), but I have told him to just let them do it on their own multiple different times. That is more stiffling then not letting them outside before I am ready to watch them from a window 2 months after finally being able to go outside alone.

The other things teaches them. Be responsible for your own drinks, instead of being lazy and leaving the water bottles laying around, and just coming to get a new one instead. Not slamming the door is also teaching them to be respectful. We are working on the other door to get is usable, but until it is, it really shouldn't be used. Neither kid knows how to swim, so they don't need to be around the pool (the pool was up for 2 days before they left for the summer, if a different spot. They were both told to stay away from it when noone was outside, and the older son when right over to it within 5 minutes and was leaning over the side of it).

As for the food, both are in the healthy weight range, but the older son is on the higher side, and the younger one is on the slightly skinny side. If we allowed the older son to snack all day the past couple years, he would probably be overweight right now. If we let the younger son snack all day, he would fill up on oreos and chips and not eat dinner, not getting any of the vitamins and nutrients that he needs (cause even vitamins aren't enough/absorbed differently than actual foods). That is why if they are actually hungry after lunch, but not close to dinner, they can have another lunch (younger one really loves peanut butter sandwiches, and the older one loves jelly sandwiches.. so they both get what they need, and it is basically a snack to them with how much they love them + another handful of chips to go with), not just a full bag of chips. and thats it... they do still get snacks and sweets, but just not all the time every single day. They both have ADHD, and having too much sugar at the wrong time makes them even more wild than they already are.

We were already thinking about getting a "snack bin" for them that they could eat at any time while it is out, but not when it is put up (to avoid eating too close to dinner), butwe haven't talked about the specifics with which foods, etc. So until then, they need to ask. They usually only asked less than an hour before dinner in the past, so we just started making dinner earlier when we could, because they were hungry earlier.

The grandmother also has this rule of it is their responsibility to come in for food by a time that she tells them, and if they don't come in then her kitchen is closed and they don't eat. They did this the week they were here, and didn't even give him a break the first time he didn't come out soon enough. The issue with that here, is there is not clocks in every room, they don't have watches, and he is autistic and gets distracted easily. I think a better way to teach them responsibility is to come ask for lunch when they are hungry... that way, they also only eat when they are hungry instead of being forced to eat when they may not be hungry (Which leads to unhealthy eating habits as adults). 

Yes, they will adapt, but when they come back, we want them to start getting used to our household again, and not the grandparents.... When they got picked up, the grandparents started their rules the whole week they were here at OUR home, and I don't think it was just to get the kids used to their rules, I think it is because the grandmother has to have everything her way.... So i don't expect it to go over easily that while the grandparents are visiting this time(it might be a day, it might be a week again... if they stay a week, then the kids will only have 4-5 days to get back on schedule before school starts), that the kids will not be on their rules/schedule. They need to get used to our house again before school starts, and they will also be at a new school this year too.

There was another person on here a while ago (at least I believe it was here at steptalk), who said that they are also legally blind (or can only see a few inches in front of their face) who has special glasses to make it more like 4-5 feet sight distance. We don't know exactly what all is going on, as he is also autistic and it is harder to tell if he really can't see, or is just distracted at his appointments. I understand the risks of surgery, but he also has cataracts in 1 eye still... they operated on the other one 1.5 years ago. He may be having more issues than necessary because 1 eye is clearer and can see a little further, while the other eye is blurry and is only able to see 1 inch in front of his face. All the doctors have been saying for the past 1.5 years is "we have to wait and see."

It may very well be that there is nothing else they can do for him, but there is also a slight chance that his vision could improve a little more if they were willing to entertain the idea of doing something else besides just waiting and seeing.