Dinner time dilemas
Well, After living peacefully without SS since last Thursday I realized today is Tuesday so let the fighting begin! DH mentioned that he wanted to change the dinner rules. Don't finish your dinner, you don't get a snack. DH started this rule when my DD didn't want dinner but wanted snacks. It worked fantastic. DD is now a wonderful eater and rarely complains and always gets a snack. SS4 screams, cries and complains at every meal. Rarely does he finish his plate and if he does its only when DH hand feeds him like a toddler. Now DH wants to give snacks even if dinner isn't finished. I love how the rules change when it comes to his son being hte one with the problem. I told him I think if we allow snacks without hte completion of dinner, it will unmotivate DD to eat properly and DS1 will never have the chance to learn how to eat properly bc his brother and sister never had to. Now the children all get the same size portions and the portions size are appropriate for DS1. They are NOT big, they are very minimal (and of course, if they want more fine)but I don't understand why we would reward SS4 for not being able to eat 2 tablespoons of veggies, 1 tablespoon of fruit and 2 tablespoons of meat. 5 tablespoons. Dinner would be able 5 bites if he ate it the right way. I don't want to now show my DD and DS that they don't have to finish even this measly amount of food and they will get a snack (Although snacks are generally healthy around here). SS4 doesnt get proper nutrition when he is with BM and she doesn't enforce many rules, etc so when he comes here he fights us tooth and nail. Any suggestions? I kinda wanted to just let DH do wht he wanted but it will effect my bios and I don't want that to happen. I think eventually SS4 will learn to eat what I make or he won't. I don't think slack should be given bc his BM sucks or daddy guilty or whatever it may be bc I sure as heck know that my DH DID NOT want to cut my DD any slack!
How often is SS with you?
How often is SS with you?
Every Tuesday overnight,
Every Tuesday overnight, Thursday for dinner, every other weekend (4pm Friday to 7pm Sunday)and sometimes Wednesdays
The rules should be
The rules should be consistent with ALL of the children. your husband isn't doing his son any favors by opting out of parenting him.
But which rule is the correct
But which rule is the correct rule? I believe the children should finish the small portions they are given and he believes they shouldn't have to clear their plate.
I agree with not forcing
I agree with not forcing children to clear their plate but the portion sizes are 1/3 of what he should be eating and its not that he is full or not hungry. He sits down and says "this is gross. im not eating this". DH sends him to timeout for being rude where he sits and screams " i am starving!" until he comes back to the table and says "Im not hungry. This food makes me want to throw up", sometimes he actually forces a throw up from crying so much. Then he says "daddy feed me", and repeat time out scream, hungry not hungry, etc. Its a game and I think DH is giving into this game which is bad for the other children. DH started this rule. DH grew up on this rule but DH doesn't want to enforce this rule for SS, why? Bc its a pity party.
lol Well, SS4 likes NOTHING.
lol Well, SS4 likes NOTHING. There is never a time he sits down at my dinner table and likes ANYTHING that is on his plate. NOTHING. And if he does eat it, it has to be completely covered in ketchup, fruit, veggies, meat, etc. needs ketchup that he will literally lick off of the food and still not eat the food. So by offering him an alternative every single night, my DD and DS are also going to say hey, I would rather eat the yogurt then eat these green beans! I just feel like it would cause a negative chain reaction. Where does that leave me with them? Bc I know DH is going to say "ohh they are just doing this bc SS4" and I'm going to say "yes but SS4 is only doing it for the attention" sooo why don't we just all eat ice cream for dinner?! lol Ultimately Im worried his behavior is going to negatively effect my bios and I think he is pushing his limits, not that he doesn't like the food. He is just taking a stand to Darlin Daddy and DH is being roped in like a fool
my stepson does that too .
my stepson does that too . DUMPS Ranch or Honeymustard on a yummy peice of chicken. pizza ANYTHING and I try to keep my cool I said "you know I'm italian and in the old world it is believed doctoring that is offensive" THIS IS EXTREME friggin HONEY MUSTARD ON EVERYTHING! also he has lets say a BLT and some chips. another half of a BLT and some milk and asks for more! he's 7. I told him stop eating so fast and let it hit your stomach! its disgusting how he eats. this boy is NOT fat but i fear his eating till his brain tells him to stop will make him chunky. I told his dad this and he has made him slow down eating (he devours its sick) and now will tell him no after a normal portion of seconds. the kid eats ALL the dinner and my other two are like wtf! (they are all small but when he eats like this you should see their faces) he eats until he cheeks are full like chipmunks and his dad does speak up but all ss can say is "sorry" or okayyyyy. DRIVES ME NUTS!
Agreed - I don't force DD to
Agreed - I don't force DD to eat every bite on her plate but I do make sure she eats near equal amounts of each item before she is allowed to get up saying, "I'm full."
I am trying to make her understand that dessert isn't an everyday thing but I think they do dessert with every meal at her dad's so it's hard.
oh god don't get me started
oh god don't get me started on the dessert every time deal drives me nuts too!
Years ago when my skids were
Years ago when my skids were small we had this problem. DH and I decided to allow one substitution if they didn't want the meal cooked that night. We would allow them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich. No snacks just a boring but filling PB & J sandwich. If you skid can't have nuts, maybe a bowl of cereal & milk. Having the same sandwich night every weekend gets boring and soon they at least tried to eat the dinner prepared. They are still not the healthiest eaters but they know they didn't get to eat junk instead of dinner.
The key is to have a united front with your DH on this. Let him know you are not a short order cook and a 4 year old doesn't get to call the shots in your home.
When my children were little
When my children were little I would say that if they didn't eat their meal, there was no snacking inbetween meals. If they truly had an aversion to something I was serving up that day, they would be allowed a "no work on my part" alternative, such as bread and butter, cheese and an apple, but I was certainly not prepared to cook an alternative.
What I do with my kids is
What I do with my kids is keep the previous meal until the next one. They don't have to eat everything on their plates for lunch, for example, but that's what will be waiting for them when they are "hungry" mid-afternoon. Same thing for dinner. They don't have to eat it all, but if they get hungry at 7:30 they have to go finish what they were served. It works great, and my BD7 is a really good eater who doesn't overeat and is a healthy size for her age. BD4 is a little more stubborn but she too is coming around.
I'm sure your spoiled by
I'm sure your spoiled by guilty daddy DH as all hell SD18 never had this rule. . .(softly snickering)
NEVER allow a child to eat
NEVER allow a child to eat only what he/she wants. After all, that's WHY children have PARENTS!!
I saw this show on TV where the young, modern, twenty something, facebook parents would only let Junior eat what he wanted. Wouldn't force ANYTHING on him and by force I mean "introduce" any new foods.
Well turns out the kid ended up with SCURVY b/c his parents only fed him what he wanted. Instant oatmeal.
Children should be introduced to new foods regularly. The BM is doing a great disservice by having few rules and letting hin eat what he wants.
All rules in the house should be the SAME! SS should not be allowed to snack when he hasn't finished a reasonable for his age meal. Period.
Smack your DH upside the head for blatant favourtism.
DH and I came up with our
DH and I came up with our meal plans. What veggies, meats, fruits, etc to be eaten and at what meal to maximize the nutrients that would be getting from every meal. Now he says just bc SS refuses to eat that meal, doesn't mean we should further the malnutrition by not giving a healthy snack later on. I think although more difficult given his age, his BM, and the custody, if we stick with the rule, he will eventually get over it. My DD has already seen the difference and is at the age where she understands that sometimes DH and I see differently and that she must follow my rules when it comes to dinner time. I guess my bigger fear is going to be for DS1. BM idea of a dinner is fish sticks...or spagettios with meatballs. DH said her "fancy dish" was salisbury steak from the box...and she never serves veggies. I tried getting her on the same page with us but since he junk food methods are working at her house, she doesn't plan to change them. Damn BM!
I found this post most
I found this post most interesting because this has been a battle in our house for the past five years!! Every family is different and every situation is different, this is what, after five years, I have found works for us. Better late than never, right!
My Stepdaugther, 8 eats whatever she wants at her mother's house. There are several dinners prepared each night....so she eats boxed mac and cheese, waffles, and hot dogs. THE END. The older one is carbs....all carbs, nothing but carbs...
Personally, I don't have time or patience or money for that matter to prepare all those different meals so now what we do (which is time consuming but works) is pre plan for the weekends ahead and ask for imput. Each meal must follow a rule...fruit with breakfast, veggie with lunch and veggie with dinner. They offer up suggestions and I plan the menu around that. They do not need to eat every bit, and once a month we try a "new" veggie that they must TRY, and not be dramatic about. If it's not eaten then there are no subsitutions because they had a say in what we eat, and there is no dessert.
Again, this is a difficult situation because you have a child that you are clearly trying to teach good habits too, as do I! Mine is very young, so it's important to be consistant. That is how this whole thing with helping plan the menu came about.
Good luck to you!!!
I started asked SS (who is
I started asked SS (who is only 4) for dinner ideas the same day (some days I have him during the day or weekends when we are all here), I let him pick one of the two veggies we have with dinner and if possible, I allow him to help prepare the meal so he feels more involved. He will still sit down at hte table and refuse to eat it even though he made it and/or picked it out. I think it is very important to be consistent but since he is with his BM every other day who caters to his every whim and his what I call "condimement addiction", it seems like it will always be an uphill battle!
lol loooooove the
lol loooooove the goose/gander saying! Fits perfectly
Its funny that as you explain your situation, how ur DH was is kind of how I was before DH. Granted my DD is now only 6, but I didn't expect much from her and I spoiled her rotten. Needless to say, when we moved in with DH, he was NOT putting up with that crap. He showed me the 'way of the world' if you will. I realized many errors I made along the way and was glad to have DH to help guide me to better parenting. Now that SS4 is having similar issues that we had with DD, its a completely different story, whcih makes me angry. He changed my opinion. He changed the way I parent. NOT that I think its a bad thing, I'm greatful that he showed me what I couldn't see to better my children. My DD already sees the difference but she knows that those "special exceptations" don't apply to her bc I expect her to eat healthy and she understands that. Not to say that DD doesn't raise hell in all other aspects of our lives lol bc she does but DH just brought up dinners yesterday and Im dreeeaaading tonight. I started actually feeding DD and DS before DH and SS get home to avoid the entire interaction. But I feel bad that we are now lacking family dinners bc of this and was hoping for a solution.
Thanks for all the advice
Thanks for all the advice everyone! I'm trying to keep an open mind and find a way to mix all the suggestions into one super answer
Wish me luck at dinner tonight lol
This is not an issue of you
This is not an issue of you and your dh having different opinions here. This is an issue of your dh changing rules (that he helped set and enforce with your child)to suit his child.
If it has always been the rule in your house and was previously agreed upon by parents, it needs to continue to be the rule, IMO. SS shouldnt get special tx.
I think this is a much more significant issue than whether one should clean their plate before a snack. If you allow your dh to change rules here-then wont he be doing it for the next 14 years? Why did your dh not use this logic of not depriving them of a healthy snack with your dd? If you are giving small child size portions then I think it is ok to expect him to eat it-if he doesnt wish to eat it fine-then he wasnt particularly hungry. Perhaps next dinner you should just serve bowls of ice cream (you can always get the low fat kind). When dh acts like your crazy-just tell him that you knew everyone would prefer the ice cream over meat loaf so you just cut out the step of preparing the meatloaf to make everyone happy.
I give all my kids a small
I give all my kids a small portion "less is more" my fiance' gives his son what he feels is right and makes him clear the plate. The things that infuriate me is when I make a great dinner and he wants seconds (fine) but wants all the shit (pasta or bread) NOT the meat. I'm sorry. NO if you want more of something eat the GOOD part for seconds if thats then not enough by all means have some pasta. or a little of everthing but not the more JUNKY Part to the meal..drives me INSANE. and then my finace gets angry when my 3yr old is a picky eater and won't eat dinner. I tell him no dessert until he eats at least what I gave him on his plate ( a mouthful) if he finishes I give him a "small" dessert (a couple grapes or something) MY FIANCE GETS PISSED> well sorry! he's a picky eater and your sons no better eating the shit part of the meal, the "filler" part. if we served a salad the kid would starve! its the pot calling the kettle black to me. may be a different eating issue but all the same "playing favorites!"
good luck to you. my dinners are stressful and I am usually a bitch during them constantly saying "just eat please EAT" because i want it over. I dislike my ex but miss the easy dinner time we used to have! LOL
Wrong on his end on so many
Wrong on his end on so many levels!!! Same rules, consistency, fairness. My youngest was the picky eater. They at least have to TRY new foods, veggies, etc.
My rule is he doesn't get up until he eats what's there-never clean the plate but he has to eat enough to not go fill up on yoghurst after. Sometimes its 30 min, sometimes an hour...oh well!!
He has to eat enough before a snack...period.
My oldest because I stuck to introducing new foods eats like an adult would. He loves hot spicy food, thai, indian, sushi, calamari, crab, salmon will try anything really. It took my a lot of work, patience, tears and perserverance w/my youngest but he now also eats SO much more then he did. He's eaten thai food also a few times! I always insisted they at least try it-even if they cover their nose lol. On veggies at least a couple/few bites.
I know WHY your dh wants the 'exception' to the rule-because he knows it's goign to be extremely hard work-he rather be a lazy parent and give up