Things I realize
Wow. So, I only found this site yesterday. I did a lot of reading the last few days and did even more soul searching. Skids are not really that bad of kids I mean they aren't mine I think they are immature messy and they fight a lot. But it's not their fault they have 2 crappy parents and I hate to say it because he really does try. I think he feels guilty and overcompensates with gifts and trips to the movies and anything thing else they want. And he doesn't make them help around the house or even just pick up after themselves bc he wants them to like coming here. But I think this pattern leads to a lot of frustration for me. It's not skids fault that nothing is ever expected of them. It's not skids fault that their mom and whole family hate me and then their dad treats me like crap half the time.
Just some things I realize today. ..
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Quite often it really isn't
Quite often it really isn't the children's fault that they are the way they are. They are a product of the environment and the discipline that they were raised in. Shoot, even kids of two bio parents often develop poor habits and behaviors because their parents feel guilty for both working and putting them in daycare/school to be raised by others.. so the few hours they have with them each day are ones they don't want to spend fighting.
My DH has literally said that he just can't fuss at the girls all the time.. so the few days a month he has with them, he would try to balance the "good advice and discipline" with showing them he loved them. Of course a NCP is going to worry that the child will stop wanting to visit if every time they have to wrangle and come down on them for stuff that happened.. even when they were at their other home.
But, there IS a balance. and parents can be part of their kid's life even if they aren't there in flesh and blood. My DH called and spoke with his girls daily and tried to not save up his fatherly speeches for just on the weekend. If they pulled a stupid stunt during the week.. they talked about it then.. he didn't wait.
There also is the matter of the natural love that a parent has for a bio child. I mean I'm not going to want to be puked on.. but my bio kid? I can deal with it.. some stranger? I would be pissed lol. And the kid's natural mess.. and all kids have it.. can irritate those that have kids of different personality or like me never had any. My eyes roll right into the back of my head each and every time I see a version of "his kids are animals and mine are perfect little lord fauntleroys" Seriously, your kid is annoying AF too.. you know that right? I don't care how many strangers stop you to tell you how beautifully their halo's shine..lol. Your kids still will have their days.
So, it's all kinds of stuff. And compound it by some people being less flexible. I don't think my situation ended up better than others because the girls were all that much different than other kids.. but maybe I didn't have such an issue with control. Maybe my DH was able to hold BM at bay more.. and even though she was a super GUBM HC.. he dealt with most of her crap and didn't force me to shoulder the burden. Maybe I had a deeper well of empathy for kids that had to tote their belongings in grocery bags.. and had a mom who never had food in the house? Maybe the fact that I didn't have kids made it easier for me to deal with his.. no jealousy or comparison?
I don't know.. it's hard to accept that someone we love is not a good parent. Some situations on here I can't believe people stay because I couldn't respect some of the bio parents and what they are allowing to go on. But, I haven't walked a mile in their shoes.
This site can certainly put you in a place where you can be thankful that your issues are only but so big too...lol.
I do have a bio kid and
I do have a bio kid and sometimes that helps me. Every time my step kids are being annoying - and they often are - I think about how annoying my son can be. I also think my partner does a great job of parenting his kids. He's not perfect, but he always checks in with me. Tonight for example, our wifi was being flakey. I went into the bedroom so I could watch a lecture for an online course I'm doing. Kids followed me for the wifi and were all on the bed with me. YSS was watching videos and I told him he was welcome in the room, but he couldn't watch videos without headphones. I was wearing mine! Next thing I know my SO is in there making sure kids weren't bothering me. My only complaint there was that I had already handled it. YSS understood my reasoning and it was clear it was the stupid kid video that wasn't welcome not him. Also although we compare the kids all the time, my SO and I - I think - are even handed about it. They all have some great characteristics and some poor ones.
We have his kids this week and my bio son is not here. I think my SO is actually appreciating my son's presence a little more because when my son is here we barely see the kids - they all go off and do kid things together, whereas when it's just his kids, they're all over us. I went to work today, so I wasn't with them all day, but he sent them off to bed as I could tell he was getting annoyed - me less so because I had a break. Even bio parents get annoyed by their kids.
There are many things that we
There are many things that we come to realize while in these situations but the key is to find a balance that works well for you and the child in a healthy way. I know many parents over compensate and don't want to rock the boat but if basic life lessons are not taught than a great disservice is being done to the kids. The main objective with raising kids is to make sure they are well rounded and the goal as a parent is to help them feel competent and confident, and to help them develop a sense of passion and purpose.
Why stay with someone who
Why stay with someone who treats you like crap half the time? And you have to deal with his kids, to boot? No, thanks.
I blame it on the parents.
I blame it on the parents.
"It's not skids fault that
"It's not skids fault that their mom and whole family hate me and then their dad treats me like crap half the time."
Why focus on the children's behavior and their lack of parenting instead of the way you are treated?
You need to learn to love yourself more than you love this guy. Once you are able to do that, you won't waste you time on someone who treats you like crap.
Hereiam and Disneyfan are
Hereiam and Disneyfan are totally right! Why be in a relationship where you aren't a priority and with a guy who treats you like crap?? Life is too short.