Anxiety in children
DH has two SD on 13 one 10. Two diffrent moms. Well SD10 never sees us, if she does its ends up her crying and throwing a fit till she makes herself sick. BM has told us all along its only our house nowhere else does she do this.
Well today is the 1st day of school, and BM just texted saying that SD isnt going they are on the way to the doctor. She is having a breakdown. She then proceeds to tell DH that she won't go anywere, if she does she crys until she is sick. That she has been having this problem for along time now. (The entire time BM has only let us think its our house that is the problem, when its SD entire life.)
SD won't go anywere without BM or BM's parents. She wont even go to her friends house for a few hours. That she won't go outside and play. BM said she has taken away pretty much everything fun in the house so she has to go out side and play with other kids but SD will just sit in her room by herself.
The last time SD tried to stay the night at our house was two years ago. BM called crying on the phone, SD whole attitude changed right then. She had to go home right then. She went crazy for lack of better words. Screaming, crying, almost hypervenlating. She said BM new husband was beating BM and she needed to help her mom.
BM denied she was getting hit but I honeslty think this is when everything started. And I think BM was getting hit, she has since left her husband, her husband was arrested for meth just a day after she left. We did more digging and it seems as if he had been arrested a few times durning their short marrige, DUI's, drug charges, things along those lines.
BM has blamed my DH since day one, she said we have created such a hostile home that SD is scared to come over, and its just our house. We do get on to her, if she is doing cart wheels down the hall way and knocks off the photos I told her to stop twice, DH raises his voice and tell hers to listen. (Doesnt scream just gets stern).
Now BM is at the doctor trying to get SD on meds for this, meds are not going to change anything (will they?). Their are two things that are going on, and I havent been around SD enough in last year to know. 1.) She honeslty is scared to death to leave her mom, or 2.) She knows she gets her way when she does this so its all an act.
Any one else have this problem?
The lying and blaming Dad is typical
Especially in cases of parental alienation, which is what this likely is. Kids aren't built to have to choose sides with a parent in a split situation, and they behave really strangely when a parent does it. Whether it's fear of dad (which it sounds like Mom has encouraged) or fear for mom (reinforced by the bad BF), it's still alienation and it's still caused by constant emotional abuse from her mother.
The child needs therapy. The child needs to be with a therapist well-versed in parental alienation and emotional abuse by a parent. Meds may be necessary, too, and your DH may want to look into an emergency custody filing.
I hate to say DH has stepped
I hate to say DH has stepped back a little he saw how bad it hurt SD. The last few months SD and BM have started coming over, but we can not see SD without BM around. Its strange.
Right now my main thing is this girl has to go to school, she has already been held back once. Would her alinating DH cause social problems all around (school, friends her age, anything besides being with bm?)
YES! Alienation causes all kind of problems!
And BM always being there is her exercising her control over SD. Seeing Dad is so scary that BM has to be there to make it safe, right? No. That's undermining his role as her parent. It's interfering with the relationship between dad and daughter. It's monitoring everything that she says and does so that she remains under BM's control.
My skids' mom is alienating, and SS9 is her golden child (your SD is an only, so it's a similar experience from the sounds of it). When he was 5-6, he refused all visitation with DH for almost a year. It was because BM had been on deployment, so she missed out, so now it was DH's turn. When DH would try to pick him up, he would hide from DH like he was terrified of him. It took 9 months for DH to force BM to get him into therapy. When SS started visitation again, BM taught him that all he had to do was pretend like he wasn't at our house until he could finally return to hers. We're still dealing with that.
SS doesn't allow himself to have fun when he's with us. If we have the audacity to do something enjoyable, he makes it miserable. He makes himself vomit. He throws fits. He sulks and drags tail. He ignores visitor and even other kids his age. You get the drift. There's not human conversation or interest in anything or anyone, though he runs his mouth quite a bit. I've said many times that he's nothing but a shell of a person, waiting for BM to tell him what he thinks.
Because of this, he's incredibly awkward. 4th grade and he's never had a friend, been invited to a birthday party, etc. His teachers don't know what to do with him. He's an average student, but they don't know what he does and doesn't pick up on. And he doesn't listen to anyone, so his behavior is always an issue. He also has what I think are sensory issues and fine motor delays, but nothing gets done about either of those because BM won't allow it and says that he doesn't have issues at her house.
Your SD needs therapy now. She needs to be forced to be away from BM so that she can have some version of a life.
BM just told us she was
BM just told us she was refereded to a counsler. She isnt sure if it will help or not. ( I am going to be schocked if she does). BM is sticking with its just serve anxiety. I hope a counsler can help her. BM has a baby on the way, due in Oct. I am nervouse on how this is going to affect life.
Be prepared for a "discard"
If there's a new baby coming, you all need to be prepared for this child to be discarded by BM. Wheras it's always been her and SD, there will be a new baby who is more important and more loved in the mix. This will devastate your SD.
Your DH needs to be intimately involved with the therapy. There are terrible therapists out there who will simply try to convince SD to comply with any demand from Mom instead of helping her to deal with an extremely dysfunctional situation. Anxiety is normally a reaction to outside forces more than an organic disorder.
BM says SD is totally excited
BM says SD is totally excited for hte baby and she is building up to be this amazing thing. I don't know if BM really thinks this or she is just trying to look good.
I do not have any kids but i am gonna say babys are a ton of work. BM is going to be exchausted, and SD will be left behind. BM will not really want SD help with the kids (as they normally most likely may just get in the way more.) I am scared at this point SD has her no idea what about to hit her, or maybe she does and thats why she is acting out.
Why cant BM just be normal
The child definitely needs a
The child definitely needs a therapist. Your DH also might want to reach out to the school to let them know what is going on. There are school social workers and counselors who might be able to help. Many areas also have school refusal programs, both in-patient and out-patient, to help kids who are suffering so much anxiety that they won't attend school. Once the SD gets into counseling, they should be able to drill down and see if there are other problems (such as PAS) as well. Putting her on meds alone is not good enough.
I agree BM talked to the
I agree BM talked to the school counsoler today, they are working together to make this better. BM does not want DH to know she is doing anything wrong ( and she may not be) But if any thing negative she hides it from DH. Becuase she is an amazing mom and SD problem all stem from DH in her eyes.
I think he should be involved in the therapy at some point or atleast get updates. If its up to BM he will never know the real truth.
Perhaps your DH should reach
Perhaps your DH should reach out to the school counselor himself. Having perspective from both parents would be useful to her. Plus your DH can get information directly, as opposed to information that is filtered through a BM who is trying to avoid looking like she's doing anything wrong.
This is certainly PAS. It is
This is certainly PAS. It is PAS backfiring on the Mom, it has caught up with her now... it is just happening at a younger age rather than anxiety problems cropping up in adulthood.
If DH is able I would get him as involved as possible in the therapy now. With the new baby it could go either way... either ignore DD, or clamp down even more on her so that they can be the “REAL” family.
i don’t know how court would play out because he has backed off... so I think the best angle is going to be to try to get involved in counselling.
PAS is so horrible, but you are so limited in what you can do. For the most part you are at the mercy of the person causing the alienation.
day two
Four teachers, and she refused to let go of BM. DH has contacted the school, BM said she is getting ahold of the counseling center today.
DH is asking the school about in school counseling, this way its on nuetral grounds and they can inform DH of what is going on.
My question is will a counselor back with BM and say we of course I see why is she her dad is a deadbeat. Or will they actually look into and say hey you need to stop talking bad about her father and let him see her? BM is very muniplitave and I worry they wont see threw her......
It is VERY hard to stop or
It is VERY hard to stop or fix alientation.
BM will NOT be working with you guys to fix it. And will not accept blame. I don’t really know what the answer is and I don’t think anyone does. We have been trying to fight our own through court and therapists and it gets so far and seems like something might happen but then BM does something to keep it going.
I would hope that this all could be a wake up call for her, but it prob won’t be enough of one to get her to change her whole personality.
It sounds like she is already resistant and making excuses, so I think it is most likely an uphill battle.
If you have the money and a good lawyer you can try taking it to court. Otherwise all you can do is try to work with the therapists and hope for the best.