I wouldn't announce it. I'd just stop doing it all and do EXACTLY what futurobrillante99 suggested. I would plan some activity that I love and basically tell him enjoy your one on one time with SS, kisses and see you in a bit. You do this a few times he'll see the fustration that you put up with and he'll have no choice but to deal and parent his son.

Your H doesn't see it now because you are there to "entertain" him while he's on his phone and playing games. This is a great opportunity to make him engage his son and spend good quality time with him because you are not there to do it. Trust me there will be some changes and you'll feel some resistance at first but stick to your guns and do not give in.

I'm not sure what the answer is... I was "expected" to play mommy2 to formerSS (only good stuff tho...no authority to enforce rules, etc of course) and "do" all the work, cooking, cleaning, help with homework (but couldn't make him redo it if I thought he did a piss poor job, nope, expected to fawn over it even tho it looked like a 6yr old did it and he was 12), etc. I did not want to do all the heavy lifting and made that clear BEFORE we all lived together. 

Once the ss started acting aggressive to not only me, but my baby also I left. Even if it was just me (had I not had a surprise baby) I would have ended up leaving. There is no way I would have been able to live with a feral child: watch him get away with not doing homework (eventually that could affect me in terms of skid not launching or being a financial drain even as an adult), leave disgusting messes all over the house - of course with no chores (I'm not a maid!), have poor hygiene (didn't use toilet paper) - again affected me because he would dig in food with nasty hands, was a close talker that didnt brush his teeth, so horid breath that you couldn't say anything about or he would cry! On and on and on. There is no way I could live like that, even if it would have been "ok" for me to disengage. 

So, I guess my point is...now that you know your husband is a bad father, can you live with that? Are you going to be ok making yourself scarce every time ss is there? What about vacations? What if there is a change in custody and ss is there full time? (My formerSO had full custody and never went to see BM.)

I know you love your hubs, but think carefully about this...can you live like this while your dh learns to parent, and what if he never does (to your ideals)? Can you live like this if your dh gets full custody? Can you live like this if you have your own child? Do you really want to live like this?

Doesn't have to be perfect, doesn't need to be announced. 

You got this! It gets easier- starting is the hardest part. Disengaging will also give you more clarity & better perspective. 

No do not announce it. It is not a topic for discussion.The first thing I did was always leave the room whenever DH and skids started debating something. Keep some books in your room and go read. Second thing I did was I stopped cooking dinner for skids. DH had to reassume all responsibility for cooking for his kids. Third thing was I stopped spending my money on skids. Fourth thing was I started taking only DD on outings like movies and eating out. These things occurred within two days.

Disengagement is different for everyone, but I feel it has the best chance of success if you don't announce, threaten, or explain before doing it. It's a way of emotionally detaching yourself from all things skid related. You gradually fade back, allowing what will be. Sure, we all hope our partners will step up and pick up the slack, but that doesn't always happen. Disengagement isn't really about changing others as much as it's about changing ourselves; our reactions, level of emotional investment, and degree of involvement. It's a daily practice whereby we release attachment to other people's  dysfunction. If all goes well, the shift inside of us causes small positive shifts in those around us, but if not, we're still on a better path for ourselves.

I've actually done it twice: first from all things skid, and later from the in-laws. 

The first was a textbook example of how not to disengage. After almost two decades of doormatting and accepting poor treatment from OSD, I hit the emotional wall. I was spent and full of resentment, and like in that movie scene blew my top and announced "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!!!!"  Did this motivate change? Absolutely not. All it did was bring focus on me instead of OSD's behavior. I was the one rocking the boat; I was the one causing upheaval; I was the problem. That impacted my credibility, and eventually made me the target of relational aggression. By the time I knew I had to disengage from DH's siblings, I had been around STalk for a while and did a gradual Gray Rock/fade back. I encouraged DH to see them, but I was always "busy". I  referred all communication to DH, and stopped being the point person for our household. I gave his siblings what they claimed to want: less me, more him - and they didn't like it. Nevertheless, the big difference was that this time, I wasn't the one making waves.  And I'd effected a gradual shift in the paradigm, so DH had to deal with his sibs' complaints, games, and drama while I was positioned as his sympathetic partner. (See: Karpman's Drama Triangle)

 The best thing about disengaging is that it allowed me to gain distance from the dysfunction and ​​​​​​stop thinking emotionally.  I was able to get real with myself, gain clarity, acknowledge my part in the problem, and accept that it's not my role to fix what has been broken for generations (as if I could). When we are able to think dispassionately, we are better able to assess things and make good decisions for ourselves. But it all starts with the decision to step back and try something different.

First rule of disengagement.. don't talk about disengagement..lol.  Seriously, there is almost zero way that your spouse won't take an announcement of disengagement the wrong way.  "you just hate my kid.. that is an extension of me"

So, disengagement is getting to the point where you don't emotionally get wound up with it all.  You also stop going out of your way to do things for or with the child.  Now, that doesn't mean that he doesn't get fed if you are cooking for the rest of the family.. or that you won't do things like watch him so your DH can go to work in a pinch. (shouldn't be regular business though).  Basically, if you do things for or with the kid it's because it's part of a larger "doing for the family or partner situation).

Honestly, if I had a husband who was playing phone/video games vs watching his kid... I would divorce him.  But I have a visceral reaction to grown men playing with toys instead of working and taking care of their responsibilities.  I have a niece who's husband competitively drives gokarts.. and plays video games constantly.. I think he is a big man-baby.  I  had an EX that played with RC cars.. again.. big man baby and I have no respect for that kind of person so I couldn't stay married to someone I had no respect for.

Not saying that playing some Angry birds..or even a video game every now and then means that a person is worthless.. but if this is how you spend the majority of your time away from work.. or instead of work.. I think that means the person is a loser...lol.

NO WORDS!  Just action on your disengagement.  

Everyone's situation is different, when it comes to disengagement.  I went into my disengagement and put DH in the middle; of course SD is grown.  Until I took full responsibility for my disengagement, it didn't work.  I now leave DH totally out of the picture, he was never helpful anyway.  

In your case, put the responsibility on your DH to spend quality time with his son.  Take it one situation at a time.  Your tone in your voice is the key to success.  I found that a low tone and calm gets my DH's attention.  Fighting and anger turns him away. 

Good luck and stay here for support!

I wish I had an answer for you on how to deal with the rage (I walk away, I started yoga - when the kid isn't at my house because there is no peace and quiet when he's there, and I'm working on learning some breathing exercises), but your SS sounds a lot like mine. "I am done being the only person that tries to make this kid be a functioning person" is a sentence I could have written. It's frustrating. I'm also in the process of disengaging. Your posts/the replies on your posts have been really helpful - I'm struggling with disengaging and whether or not I should try to have another conversation with my husband about it, and some of the replies in this thread particularly have me thinking it's not even worth it to talk about it and to just continue what I'm doing. This site is legit a savior for me. I think I'd have lost my shit several times over if I couldn't come here to vent. The only thing that could be better is if there was an ST app. 

I have just done the same thing I sat my partner down and said we have 2 options either I try to disengage and see how it goes or you will have to move out because I have reached my limit at first he was mad and took it as an attack on his son so I went out and left him with his own thoughts and a link to what disengagement was . . After a few hours he came round to it and asked how it was going to work I said I would be polite and friendly to SS but I would no longer tell him off or do everything for him ,I told him I needed to step back and allow him to be the parent and take control  .

We are now a few weeks in since this and I can't tell you enough just how much weight has been lifted from me and it's so much nicer not having all that stress because at the end of the day it wasn't going to make any difference to SS what I did I'm not his parent and he's not my problem ,and since then my partner has realised just how bad his child is and has been very stressed out and now knows how I felt so hopefully he can now help his child and be a proper dad and authority figure  . I hope this helps a little x

If you are going to do it... just do it.  Go Cold Turkey and disengage.  Don't let yourself be drawn back in.

Don't let any mess build up. Just buy a huge box of massive garbage bags, bag their shit up and put it on the curb. If they rescue it befor garbage day... great. If not... good riddance.  Keep doing it.  Game systems, dirty clothes, clean clothes they do not put away, etc, etc, etc....

Lather, rinse, repeat.  Eventually they will catch a clue.

If you disengage, you really don’t like the SK.  Problem is with young SK is how long can you disengage?  One year, five years 10 years ?  Somebody still has to teach SK to clean up after themselves. SK has to eat,  ect.  Do you really want to live the next ten years like that, Not going on vacation, Not building a relationship, because SO is off with SK half the time.  Not going to family events.    If disengagement does nothing is a year. It’s time to move out.  Because as a teaching tool is not working.  If you work. Them your money is going to SK some how, way, somehow.  Not giveing any money to SK  but paying the bills because SO has no money after spending it on SK, your money is going to SK 

You sound a lot like me as we're in the same situations.  My DH doesn't like to be the "bad guy" and parent SD9 because he only sees her every other weekend and he feels bad because of that but my opinion is, is you still have to parent and discipline kids when it's needed...unfortunately SD has issues and needs discipline every time she comes to the house.  However, I am done.  I've filled out and signed the checks for his child support for 7 years (I do the bills in our house) and I've seen about the extras she's needed...I've communicated with BM, I've relayed messages or emails or notes we get from the teachers, schools and after school care, etc., I cook, make sure she has clean clothes, gotten her shower and brushed her teeth when she's there.  I have a daughter too who is 8 yrs old and they are with us on the same weekends so I feel like because my daughter is there and they're close in age and both girls, he feels that I'm just going to see about it all.  He does help around the house with whatever needs to be done...chores, laundry, etc. However, SD is also a bully to my daughter...this has been ongoing for years (I've posted about this in another thread under Blended family issues) anyhow, I'm tired of doing it all and just today, for my own sanity and more importantly my daughter's, I've arranged it where my daughter goes to her Dad's house on the weekends we get SD starting next weekend and I'm ALREADY relieved...when SD comes for the 1st time, DH doesn't know it yet but he is going to be taking over the weekend stuff when SD comes...I think it'll be good for all of us all the way around!  It's time he spends time with her which is why she is coming and it's time he gets to share in the taking care of her when she comes and not just myself because my daughter is there anyway.  AND-it's time I no longer stress over that situation...by letting go and giving him all the responsibility will hopefully allow me to become less resentful of her because of her actions and then hopefully start to regain some kind of relationship with her again that is a good wholesome relationship.  

And for your question-girl!!  BE honest with your DH, let him know how you feel and let him know you're disengaging...tell him you just need to let go so you can keep your sanity and keep from becoming resentful.  He can't get mad at you for being honest.  Keep us posted!