Your partner is behaving like a total wuss.  He shouldn't take lip from your son, any more than you should allow it.  Whatever privileges your son has at home should be removed until such time as he keeps a civil tongue in his head.  He does not have to like your partner but he does have to treat him with courtesy.   I suggest you put the internet on a password unknown to your son, not allow him any other privileges he might enjoy, until he changes his behaviour.  And your partner should start standing up for himself. 

He thinks it's okay because you let him get away with it!!!! Your partner should not allow being walked over by a boy in his own home!! The boy sees that he is a wuss that's why he is treating him with disrespect. He should put SS in his place and show him who is boss. As for you dear Bio Mom if you can see that your child is being a problem, what are you doing about it? It could be that your partner is looking up to you to resolve the issue in fear that since he isnt the bio parent if he takes action it may offend you and strain your marriage. Discipline your child please! No one likes to have a disrespectful step child!! Tell the child to show respect and put on his best behaviour if not they will be consequences, threaten to kick him out to live with his grandma or other relative because in your house you don't accommodate disrespectful people, confiscate his phone, laptop or play station, if it's the step dad who puts food on the table, then SS doesnt get to eat food bought by the man he shows no respect. Its so easy to fix a child who has nothing and depends on his parents for everything, take away everything you provide for him and he will see he has nothing and he is not the boss and he will learn some manners, respect, gratitude and appreciation!

The only "pickle" in this "sandwich" is your SO.

As a bioparent, it is YOUR responsibility to show and expect respect from your kids to those who enter your home. YOU rule over their lives. YOU rule over your home. If you disagree with how your children treat your SO, then YOU are the one with all the power to fix it.

So...what ARE you doing about your kids? Are you punishing? Making life Hades for your kids? Letting them know that YOU won't tolerate their behavior? THAT is the crux of the issue. It doesn't matter whether your SO is being lax in asking for respect; that is based solely on him and relationships he wants to have with your kids. However, if YOU expect your kids to be respectful and THAT is how you want them raised, then you do everything to instill that into them no matter what other people allow. Point is that they are KIDS, and they do as their PARENT advises.

Now, I won't call your SO a wuss because there are dozens of reasons why he may not be fighting back. Whether it is a character attribute to avoid confrontation, or a sense of respect to you by not laying into your kids, or he doesn't actually find the behavior all that bad. No matter his reasoning, his "inaction" is perfectly acceptable so long as he is okay with being treated the way he is being treated. If he came on this forum, we'd give him tips on how to handle this all better.

Basically, you have one issue and your SO has a separate one (maybe, if he sees it as an issue). It is YOUR Job to be the bad guy with your kids and expect them to behave as you see fit. Whether your SO tolerates it or not is a moot point. You don't want to tolerate it, so don't. You have all the power. Find your kids' currencies and exploit it until they realize that actions have consequences, and that you are indeed queen of their domain. You aren't in a sandwich; this is just your job.

Shame on you for failing to instill respect and kindness in your son.

And shame on you for allowing him to treat a sweet man so horribly.

The problem here is probably you and a lack of parenting.  What consequences have these kids had for their rude and disrespectful behavior?  If they still have phones, electronics, internet access and other nice things, they should not.  You need to use whatever their currency is to stop this horrid behavior.

They are your effing kids.  It's up to YOU to parent them.  You are letting them get away with being sh*tty aholes.  What lovely boys you are raising.

I cant understand why thinks its ok to treat my partner like this

Because, apparently, you let him.

You need to have a serious talk with you son and reason with him. Use logic and intelligence. Instead of babying your son, treat him like a normal human being who needs to be held accountable for poor behavior. If you refuse to do that, society will do it for him.

I give you all kinds of props for recognizing the behavior for what it is. That's way, way more than many of the Bio-parents we read about on here are willing or able to do. 

If your DH is conflict-avoidant, than I can understand why you feel like you're in the middle. DH won't stand up for himself...and it kind of seems like he'd rather not cause conflict all around. 

Rather than escalate or try to flex your parenting muscle with your kid in a loud and obvious way, I would do the following: 

1. Be sure you communicate with your DH and let him know you see the behavior and don't approve. Come up with a game plan together for getting the kids to launch so you can enjoy each other! 

2. Talk to your oldest son one on one. He's past the age where most threats and punishments will work on him...so instead, listen to him. He may have issues with your DH that you are unaware of. Let him know you care about his feelings...but that his feelings don't dictate the entire world and that you have basic expectations for decent behavior and respect in your home. Let him know how happy your DH makes you and that your DH isn't going anywhere. 

You can do it! 

Damn, Tam! I wish I had married you!

I'm going to the be the lone voice here telling you that you should be commended for not sweeping this under the rug, acting as if your kids are saints, or gaslighting your partner into thinking it's all in his head.

You will figure out how to deal with it because you've acknowledged there's a problem -- so unlike most of our spouses!

I know you're struggling to do the right thing, and there's some good advice here to take a stab at standing up for your partner. But it should not be overlooked that, while you might not have solved the problem, you at least admit there is one and...it's your kids.

That is so refreshing. I'm confident you'll figure this out because you're already on the right road.

Thanks for giving me hope my husband will someday at least say, "Yea, my kid's a stepmother's nightmare."

You have the responsibility to teach your children right from wrong. You can clearly see this behaviour is not acceptable and yet you haven't said what you have done about it.

It's not your partners responsibility at this time. If I was him, I would be wondering why you are allowing your children to treat him so badly.

There needs to be clear boundaries in plcaace and consequences for rude and disrespectful behaviour.....and this needs to be followed through. You'll have tantrums and testing of boundaries but your children will eventually learn respect for both of you if YOU do your part as their parent.

Good luck

I don't put much thought into the why of behaviors, I focus on the what.  If the behaviors deviate from the rules and standards of reasonable behavior in your home... bring painful consequences.  Kids respond to misery when it is applied as a consequence for inappropriate behavior. 

Kids perpetrate behavior because they get something out of it they want. If the result of that behavior is a state of abject misery... they won't perpetrate that behavior going forward.

I suggest a united front approach.  You bring the abject misery and come down on your eldest like stink on shit... and your partner puts a hand between his legs, grabs a big handful of balls... and mans up.  He needs to put your eldest against the wall with a smack to the back of the head and then have  a nose to nose talk  about how the shit kid will never again speak to your partner in any manner other than with respect ever again or the next talk will occur behind the wood shed and include an introduction of your kids ass o a razor strop.

Teen boys are peculiar creatures and often need clarity delivered in a very forceful way.