Ss has vowed to destoy my marriage. He's not just destoying my marriage, but my life too
I apologize for the lengthy post before hand.
Me and Dh have been together for 5 years and married for 3. We have no kids together. I came with 2 Bd 14 and 12 and He had 2 kids at the time. Sd16 and ss14. We have no kids together. Bm passed away when ss was 3 years old; since then sd has always been both a sister and mother figure for ss. Sd never played a mini-wife to dh. She played her role of being the protective big sister. Sd and ss were very close. Before getting married, both me and dh sat them down and I explanied to them I have no intention of becoming a mother to them, i'm just an extra person in their dad's life who wants to be there for them and help them succeed in life. Dh told them that he will always love them no matter what, and that if they're not comfortable with this, all they have to do is just tell us and we can work thorugh it to make the transition as easy as possible for them. They seemed pretty accepting of it. Dh had the same conversation with my daughters(their father has been mia for the last 6 years), they seemed okay with it and the kids did mesh with eachother easily.
Things started to take a turn for the worse very quickly.Sd started acting out. Started with back talking and just escalting from their. Lucky dh and me were on the same page with disipline and handled it accordingly. When sd turned 14, she started acting out against my daughters. Tell them at dh isn't their dad. She started hating it when dh would do anything my daughters and not her. I was pretty undertstanding at that point, so i suggested to dh to spend one on one time with his kids and i'll just take my daughters out for a girls day. Ss was pretty well behaved. Ss and my daughters got pretty close. The 3 of them were always together hanging out, watching movies, making dinner together. They seemed to really enjoy eachothers company. Sd seemed to have calmed down at that point and everything seemed to get back to normal again. When Sd was 15, things got worse again. Sd started lying, sneaking out of my house, her grades were slipping, skipping class, basically becoming quite hostile. Sd was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Believe me, me and dh tried to get her to talk to us, she wouldn't, she wouldn't talk to her councellors, all she would say was that "sadden has taken dad away from me" or "all dad cares about is sadden, he doesn't care what happends to me", she wouldn't take her pills. Dh tried to get her to talk to him, he took her out, take her to her therapist, toek her out just for walks, long drives. Name it and he did it to try to ensure her that he will always love her and no one is taking him from her. She thought I was 2 faced, manipulative. I was called a B**ch, slut, etc. You name it she called it. As much has sd hated me, she was as kind and caring to ss. All her rage was directed to me and dh( me in particular).
I had reached a point where I couldn't take anymore. I disenaged from sd. Sd just hated me, clear and simple; I don't know why. When Sd was 16 this just got too much to handle. I told dh its me or her. That conversation after wasn't pleasant at all. Screaming, swearing all from sd. Dh and me stayed quite. Dh told sd that her beheaviour is unaccetpable and that he's sending her to go live with Dh's brother in Montreal. Sd just looked me and said "you did is". Dh said this was all her doing and she's leaving my the end of the school year. Ss overheard everything. The following morning, ss found sd on the bathroom floor. She overdosed on sleeping medication. The whole family was shook. Ss went depressed. He wouldn't talk to anyone. He was living but he wasn't alive. Dh blamed himself. I felt terrible. I thought if I didn't put dh in that situation this wouldn't have happened. Ss went from loving me and my daughters to despising us in a matter of 24 hours.
When it was time for sd furneal, I didn't think me being their would be appropriate, but dh wanted me there to support him thorugh this. When ss saw dh and me walk into the room, he lost it. He started screaming "why is this B**ch here?" "she killed sd" "why is she here" he was screaming at the top of his lungs. Everyone was looking at me. Ss picked up a glass and threw it at me (it missed), dh tried to calm ss, ss slapped dh and told him he's just as responsible for sd death. That destoyed dh. Ss threated to physically remove me himself if i didn't leave. It took my father in law, and my 2 brother in laws to hold him back. People were giving me the death glare. My mother in law told dh to "get rid of me". I was devasated. Dh dropped me back home and went back to the furneal home. Things have never been the same since.
A lot has happened in a year, My in- laws hate me, i've lost all of my friends, I was uninvited to my sister-in law's wedding, My OWN family refuses to speak to me. My in- laws don't even acknowledge me or my daughters. All holidays or special occaions(chrismas, thanks giving, birthdays) or get togethers are held at my in laws house. The only one that they invite is ss. They say to Dh that he's free to do whatever he wants with me, just let ss spend time with them. The relationship between dh and ss is strained and dh is trying to do whatever he can to repair it. Dh told me that I costed him his daughter, he's not going to lose his son too. When I ask him what about our marriage , he just says it's not about our marriage, it's about ss. Ss has even said to me openly that I killed sd; now he's gonna kill the marriage. The sad part is that he's actually doing it. Dh spends most of his time with ss, not even acknowledge me or my girls. The needs of ss are way more important than mine(I've been told several times), all we do is argue now and ss will stand behind dh and mouth "you're finished" or just have the biggest grin on his face. Ss is kind to everyone except to me and my girls (his relationship with dh is slowly getting better, he just started talking to him again properly). If I could go back in time and not put dh in that postion, I would, but I can't and now I'm feeling ss's wrath. Everyone hates me now. I've been abandoned by everyone (family and friends). I have no support system at all, they're all supporting ss. I'm keeping a strong face for my daughters, but in reality i'm broken.
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Comments
So leave.
They've made it clear they don't want you there--your "DH" included--so get yourself together and get out. You owe it to yourself and to your girls to have a life that's free of this level of toxicity. You've endured much too much, from the sounds of it, and taken on responsibility that wasn't yours to take.
Go build a life for yourself and your girls.
I 2nd this
And how horrible that your own family and friends have turned their backs on you.
Go make a new (healthy) life for you and your daughters.
I know i have to
I'm just scared. Before I had the support of my family and friends, but now i have no one. Even so I have to be a rock for my daughters.
I know, it is scary starting
I know, it is scary starting over with nothing but your children. I have done it... unfortunately twice now.
You have more than your children, you also have a great career in nursing. If you think your children can take the change (a lot has happened already, more change might be too much -depending on your children), move. Start somewhere new and make new friends.
You don't have anyone now.
You will learn to be your own support and you'll be great at it.
Move away from these people--the sooner the better.
Nengooseus is right - You
Nengooseus is right - You will learn to be your own support and you'll be great at it.
Once you're out of this toxic environment, a great weight will be lifted. Please seek counseling for you and your children.
Just out of curiousity how
Just out of curiousity how did their BM pass? Did she have a mental illness also? I know it isn't my business but I thought it might be a link to what your SD did. You are not responsible for her death. I'm sorry that everyone you know is making you feel that way. I agree with nengooseus, get out, save yourself and your daughters. This relationship is toxic.
Bm died of Breast Cancer
I know I have to leave for the sake of my daughters. Thank you so much, just sometimes i do feel somwhat responsible for her death
It wasn't your fault she was
It wasn't your fault she was asked to move... it was because of hee poor behavior.
Yep, that was her easy way
Yep, that was her easy way out and her big F U to both you and her father. Her poor behavior was not your fault. Her father telling her to move b/c of her poor behavior wasn't your fault either. Her decision to take her own life was her decision. I don't want to sound heartless because the girl lost her life and that is very tragic and very tragic for her brother and father. I'm sure losing her mother was hard but she made this decision...not you. I agree with others, move and get a fresh start, I know it is hard. I have left behind everything before and started with nothing but what I gained by doing so was so much better. No more negativity and peace of mind.
You gave him an ultimatum.
You gave him an ultimatum. He picked you over his daughter and lost his daughter forever. Your husband isn't going to risk having the same thing happen to his son.
Just find a lawyer and end this. This marriage can't be salvaged.
What a tragic situation, I'm
What a tragic situation, I'm sorry you had to deal with this. It was lose-lose for you. I agree with those above- move out. Maybe at some point the pain will heal and you and DH can work it out, but not with SS there. This isn't a healthy environment for anyone the way it is.
I don't think me and dh can work things out
Ss told me that as long as he's around, he's willing to do whatever it takes to make me suffer. He holds all the cards in this situations.
I am so sorry
this is just awful. I’m sorry it happened to you. But I agree with everyone above. This marriage is over. Your DH made it pretty clear. SDs death is NOT your fault. It is not fair to blame the whole thing on you. The only one who is responsible for her death is SD. And as long as no one understands that you need to get out. For you. For your kids.
Unfortunately, what some
Unfortunately, what some others have said is true. Your relationship with your DH is irreperable. You need to exit this situation.
While you shouldn't shoulder all the blame for his daughter's actions... you DID force him to choose between his daughter (who had no other bio parent to turn to) and yourself. The magnitude of HIM choosing you over his daughter was surely a huge driver in her mind when she decided to take her own life.. so while you had a part in it.. her father also did by choosing to send her away. Honestly, that was really a poor choice by him.. not that he should have allowed her to treat you poorly.. but exiling his daughter? I don't much respect a man who will do that to his own child... I'm not sure what would have helped but I don't think sending her away was the answer unless that was a solution she herself would have asked for.
So now, his son sees you as the cause of his dad kicking his sister out. He sees his sister killed herself over the abandonment that he feels you asked for. There is no way to back peddle this now... the girl is dead.. Her dad will regret that choice for the rest of his life and his son and family are going to lay this blame at your feet. Now, they don't know the depths of her mental issues or anger at you.. but you are still above ground and breathing.. and so are both your girls and for them.. that's enough to resent you forever.
So, get a lawyer.. get some counseling for yourself and your daughters and move forward with your lives.
Parents send their children
Parents send their children away due to behavior all the time. It’s called setting a boundary of what behavior is acceptable if the Sd wanted to be fed, clothed and sheltered by her father and his wife. The majority of kids end up benefiting from the time apart. In my opinion they did nothing wrong
I don't know that it's that
I don't know that it's that common and tbh.. it sounds like the decision for the girl to move was made as a direct result of the ultimatum made with the girl present and part of a hostile discussion. So.. in homes where a kid is out of control.. those decisions and discussions shouldn't start with a discussion in front of the child or with the child .. the two adults have a rational and level headed discussion of options.. then they may need to approach the child about whatever they decide... more counseling.. or giving her the option of moving to a relative.. or even take her to a mental health facility...send her to boarding school etc..
OP didn't push the ball out of bounds but I think people view her as the last one to touch it as it went out of bounds.. so she is being held responsible by some. That may not be fair or accurate..and there certainly are others who have a hand in the way things went.. but when a child dies I think it's tough to walk anything back.
We sent SD to live with DH's
We sent SD to live with DH's sister thousands of miles away and BM is still alive. She agreed it was the best solution. You cannot blame yourself. 15-16 year olds in intact families have the same problems.
However, you should not be subjecting your children and yourself to this endless punishment for all this. Everyone played a part, but you certainly can't take the blame.
^^^This^^^
My condolences to you and your daughters on the loss of SD.
Loss is a funny, twisted thing, isn't it? Like a pebble thrown into a pond, it creates ripples that continue on and on.
There's plenty of blame to go around in the aftermath (and ultimately your SD is to blame) but you have become the lighting rod and scapegoat for for all of the pain resulting from your SD's suicide. You are in an unwinnable position.
The percentage of marriages that fail after the loss of a child is staggering, something like 80 percent. And the number for second marriages that fail is close to 70 percent. Some dreadful circumstances simply can't be overcome. You need to move forward, for your children's sake and your own. Healing won't come until you do.
Get therapy. Get a lawyer.
Get therapy. Get a lawyer. And get out. Your dh has told you that he is no longer focused on the marriage. You must believe him. He can't forgive himself, so he won't be able to forgive you. You must now do the best you can for you and your daughters and that's going and frankly the best thing for DH and SS is probably you not being there anymore either. Dissolve this toxic marriage.
I just wanted to tell you
I just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry. SD knew that she could hurt you forever this way. I agree with the other's who have said you need to move out. There is no love or support left in the home. DH won't even let you help him with his grief. Both DH and SS have decided to blame you instead of SD because it is easier. You are there and SD isn't. What you jointly decided to do as punnishment for terrible behavior, moving her to her uncle's, isn't anything that is crazy or unheard of. SD made a choice to hurt her family forever. One day DH and SS might see that, after a LOT of counseling. But for now... you have the target.
Be prepared for more vile as you leave. Know that it isn't your fault. I hope you can heal yourself and your girls and find happiness again.
I'm worried for your physical
I'm worried for your physical safety in that house. No one in that household wants you there, be careful!
You and your girls need family therapy.
That is awful. I'm sorry for
That is awful. I'm sorry for you and your family's loss. Suicide is a result of mental illness that was not properly treated. No one can be blamed for that. Unfortunately sometimes mental illness can be fatal. You need to leave this marriage. Take your daughters away from this environment. Get yourself (and your girls id they need it) some INTENSIVE therapy so you all can move on. Many families cannot survive the death of a child under the best of circumstances. You are facing it in the worst of circumstances. I know you said you're scared, but you're wasting time that could be used to heal by staying. Get out asap. The real healing won't begin until you do. And you can't heal your husband, so don't stay out of guilt thinking you can. Hr needs to do that himself. Take care of you and your girls. Good luck. I really hope you take the advice that everyone offered here and waste no more time.
The girl’s death is no one’s
The girl’s death is no one’s fault. She had a mental illness. Don’t accept the blame. If DH still loves you and if he protects you then stay but if he rejects you, you must leave
I am so sorry!
All of you are hurting badly because SD made a choice that cannot be undone. You cannot fix things, and from what you wrote, you really are being made into the complete scapegoat, with DH taking none of the responsibility. My youngest brother blamed the middle brother (I am the oldest) as the reason he committed suicide. I did not blame him. My youngest brother made his choice, he and he alone. You are a survivor, you are not to blame for SD choosing to end her life, that was her and her alone.
A few years ago, when I hadnt yet found Steptalk, and I was new to this "Game", Feral Eldest at the time around 15ish, decided she wanted to disrespect me. She was taken to task for it, got mad, told SO, now DH, that he was choosing his girlfriend over his daughter (something she said EVERYTIME we argued) and threatened to run away, and texted him "she might as well kill herself because no one cares anyway". SO then decided to take her seriously, and we spent our first valentines all three of us together, SD happy as a clam.
Yes, you could have should have would have. You cant go into the past. You did nothing wrong, except you should have disengaged from SD. Now you must disengage from SS who is trying to destroy you, and your family and DH. That is tough!!!!
You know you need to leave for your chidlren, well goood luck! Again, this is a horrible thing for a child to do, and a horrible way to treat anyone, and a horrible way to loose a marriage. I am so sorry.