10 year old step daughter/ mini wife
As I'm sitting here writing this I am filled with fear and anxiety over the situation.
I have been married to my husband for 5 years. His 10 year old daughter has always taken the role as wife in our relationship. From taking my place in our bed when I get up to get snack to sitting in the front seat with him down to sitting next to him at every event and holding his hand walking ahead of me while I try to manage getting our other kids out of the car. (Everyone has heard the story I'm sure)
Fast forward. My husband and I have been trying to heal our relationship after a rough couple of years. We have worked on our communication and trying to get on the same page. Then this weekend happened. It was hurtful and reminded me that I am in the "backseat". The ten year old has completely gone out of control and lost a sense of boundary of what a father is and my husband is again allowing it to happen(guess out of his misguided guilt that he has them every other weekend)
To start we went to an event this weekend. I was allowed nowhere near him. The ten year old was clingy and almost like she would growl if I came close to him. Next day I had to work so they spent the whole day together, when I came home from work, they went off to go to pool....while I stayed home for two hours and cleaned and cooked. Was I highly agitated I got let behind. Yes. But I checked it down and dismissed it as alone time and whatever.
Then comes the end of the weekend. my husband and I were laying in bed Sunday morning. I got up to use the restroom and I come to lay back down ad she was laying in my spot and they both just looked at me like I was an idiot. Again I brushed it off, fuming I missed part of the movie and went and did dishes. When the step daughter got up, I went and played back down. *HERE IS WHERE I CAN'T DEAL ANYMORE*
when she realized I went and laid back down next to my husband to relax she came in our bedroom and laid on top of him. like super inappropriate layed on top of him stroked his arm and looked at me and laid there for 30 minutes and he did nothing.
I'm still fuming so I realized this doesn't make a lot of sense but I don't know what to do. I'm literally at the point of giving up. Last night I tried to kindly as possible speak to him about it and he got mad at me. I do want him to have a relationshwith her, but not at the coat of our marriage. This has been going on for 5 years but now she is almost 11 and their behavior is now very inappropriate for her age and I just get acosted as being mean if I say anything. Advice????
Either way you may end up
Either way you may end up leaving him so take the option that will have the biggest impact. Here are the options:
1. Keep keeping your mouth shut and making excuses for their poor boundaries.
2. Sit both of them down and talk to them about changes you need to see happen.
3. Talk privately to the daughter
4. Move out for a few months and only return when things have improved.
i had miniwife problems. I moved out. She changed.
Sorry you’re going through this
why have you put up with it for so long? I don’t know how you have done it.
Seriously.
The worst part is...You have helped create the dynamic so it’s going to be tough to change. Not impossible, but tough.
Now it’s time to go crazy. I agree with the comment above from Areyou and I will add this...
Your husband “got mad”... SO WHAT?!?!?
Aren’t YOU entitled to your feelings, your needs and your rightful place as wife? Let him get mad. You need to get madder. Demand an end to this crap. It’s not going to get better unless you relegate the brat back to kid status. Show your man that you will not put up with it anymore...and, not trying to be mean to you at all, but if you can’t consistently tell him what behavior you find appropriate despite his pouting, you will not be able to claim your place as woman of the house. Get upset, get serious, and put up some boundaries - the first being SHE is not allowed in your bed...full stop!
Excuse my harsh words. I just find it infuriating when daughters compete with wives. We feel so helpless because we believe our men are supposed to take care of their family dynamic for us and when they don’t, it stuns us into submission. Please come up with the top behaviors you will not tolerate anymore, and then stop tolerating them. If not, she will be the wedge in your marriage forever and your husband will let her ruin it.
Agreed
That girl is not allowed in your bed anymore! We made a rule when I moved in, no skids in bedroom...actually, it was more of a "you have to knock first" rule, but kind of morphed into no skids in bedroom. At least mine don't try to come in, but if SD9 did what your SD is doing, she would be booted out. Plenty of parents have that rule- you need to do it!
SD9 is pretty clingy to my SO also. Some behavior is inappropriate (IMO), and last time she was with us SD and I were talking about her age and I made a comment about how she is getting too old for some things. She asked, like what? I told her, sitting on your dad's lap, for one....she sheepishly said, Oh. She knows she pushes it with some things, and it drives me nuts when she is hanging on him all the time. Even SO will say sometimes, what are you doing??, when she is super clingy. She actually tried to grab his face and turn him towards her to full-on kiss him in the face when we were at a fair a few weeks ago....my SO had to fight to get away from her (to his credit, he didn't allow it and pulled away hard), and she ended up rubbing his head and kissing the side of his head instead. My SO said, Come on! to her, and I said, Geez SD!! If she tried to lay on him like your SD did, I'm pretty sure my SO wouldn't let her. I feel for you, I would be sooo irritated, and she is way too old for that!
My YSS is 9 and he's forever
My YSS is 9 and he's forever doing stuff like this. He lays on top of his dad, gets in the bed, he lays on top of me. He sits in his dad's lap and mine. My BS is 11 and he still gets in the bed with us sometimes (though he knocks) for stories. Maybe it bothers you more because it's opposite sex? I dunno. I don't think there's anything wrong with cuddles - there is something wrong with you being pushed out of the way. If my YSS wants to be in the bed (or my BS) then he has to scooch to make room for me. I'm not giving up my space. YSS will steal my place OR his dad's place in our bed - he just wants to cuddle in the big bed.
!!
I seriously was going to post the same thing!
Gross
Gross
I had this behavior with 23
I had this behavior with 23-year-old SD.
If your husband is willing to go to therapy, a good therapist will set him straight.
For example, husband and I would be on the couch, SD would sit down in between us. Soon I'd be crammed into the end of the couch and she'd eventually end up sprawled across him. It was so awkward and weird, I'd move to a chair. It was ridiculous -- they looked like the couple and I looked like the child.
The therapist told my husband this is not OK. She told him when SD is at our house, he must make a point to sit in chairs to physically block himself from her and end her "guarding" behavior -- as in, she was guarding him from me.
Before therapy, when I tried to explain what clearly was happening, that she was marking her territory, my husband only heard a jealous wife. When I ramped it up, he thought he heard me accusing him of something sexual with his daughter, which he thought was ludicrous. But when a third party told him it was unacceptable behavior, he listened.
Good luck. When your SD is fully developed and wearing next to nothing, this is really alarming to witness. Nip it in the bud now, but let a therapist do the heavy lifting. Whatever you say to your husband will either not be heard or will be bent into something it's not. This is exactly what therapists are for.
This is a very good point.
This is a very good point. frequently men have to hear it from a third party before they will listen. The guarding behaviour, had all that, the sitting in my seat, taking my place, holding hands with him and walking pressed close to him or if she could not manage that then she walked in front of me and gradually walked slower until I was forced back. Men just don't see it, the longer it goes on the more 'normal' they think it is. She was 13. the only thing she didnt do was lay on him.
DEFEND YOUR RIGHTFUL PLACE
DEFEND YOUR RIGHTFUL PLACE MADAM you are the one and only wife, you are the better hald and not SD. And your husband got mad? is he the only one who can get mad? he got mad, you do worse than him, GET ANGRY!!! Make things change, put SD in her place, you cannot be competiting with her for DH's attention and affection like that. Unless you want to wait until SD gets a boyfriend and detachs from her dad
Really? You don’t know what
Really? You don’t know what to do? How about growing some lady balls and climbing up this kids’ ass any time she disrespects you or deviates from a standard of reasonable behavior.
Immediately she will never enter your bed again. PERIOD! Never again will she sit in the front seat when you and and your DH are in a car together. Never will she be allowed to displace you at your DH’s side or as your DH’s wife and equity life partner.
ZERO tolerance immediately and eternally.
Now for the most important problem to address. Give your idiot husband absolute clarity that never again will he prioritize his prior relationship spawn or even any of the children you have together above you and the marriage.
in a marriage there should be only one top priority for both partners and that is the marriage and each other. While minor kids are the top marital responsibility they never supplant the marriage as the priority.
Does he tell you he loves you
Does he tell you how much he loves you and how grateful he is to have you in his life?
I get a sense you both need to talk and figure out how he feels about you and growing old. Go on a date night and see how you can rekindle some sparks.
Is your DH willing to get her therapy for her anxiety?
It is about give and take...
1. She is so possesive and clingy because of her insecurity to lose her dad. Your DH isnt putting you first the way he should in order to make your marriage work as well.
2. She needs to do the necessary therapy to heal and learn to confront her feelings of loss for her dad and learn to embrace you as a step mom and a family of 3. Your hubby needs to embrace the family of 3 first.
In turn, if he is willing to get her the therapy, you may want to do efforts on your end by accepting to be her stepmom, take her out, one-on-one to see a movie, buy her a treat, and allow her to get to know and laugh with you more.