Key to the House?!?
Okay friends, I need some help! I need to know if I'm overreacting or if what I'm requesting is not out of the ordinary. So, as some of you may know, two of my step kids have been with us this past weekend. Their mom and sibling are coming home tomorrow from their out-of-town excursion. Apparently the ex will be picking the kids up while DH and I are at work. So up until now, his kids did not have a key to our house. So this morning DH asks me if we have an extra key to the house? I said not that I'm aware of why? He said oh I'm going to give it to Sally, that's the name I will use for the oldest daughter. I said okay but you need to have a conversation with your kids to make them understand that your ex is not set foot in my house. Now, some of you may remember that DH finally had that discussion with his ex a few months ago where he expressed to her the fact that I was uncomfortable with her just coming into the house as she used to, so he asked her not to do that anymore.
This morning when I made the request for him to talk to his kids he looked at me in utterr shock, like i was talking some type of foreign language. I asked him what? He said it's like you don't trust my kids. I said it's not that I don't trust your kids, but when you haven't told them what the ground rules are how do you expect them to know what to follow? He said I've already talked to my ex about coming in here. I said I'm sorry but you need to have that conversation with your kids so they understand the ground rules too and the reasons why. He walked out of the room.
So, I continued to get ready to go do what I'm going to do today, away from him and the kids. I went to leave and went up to him to say goodbye, I gave him a kiss, and he hugged me hard and was shaking. It's like he gets real nervous and doesn't want to deal with any type of conflict. The embrace ended and he told me have fun. I said well I'll talk to you later and I just left.
From my point of view, and I've said this before, it's like he's okay to cause the conflict with me or not respect what I'm feeling, but if he has to bring anything up with his kids or his ex he just doesn't want to do it. I think I'm finally going to have to tell him that's exactly how I feel, that he places more emphasis on not hurting or causing conflict with his kids or his ex than me. I don't think what I've asked him to do is extraordinary or unreasonable. But that's why I'm here this morning, trying to get a feel from what you guys think. I would appreciate it.
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HELL NO!!!
Then the BM will get the key from Sally to make herself her own personal copy.
Nope DH can arrange other methods instead of giving the key away to Sally. He knows darn well what will happen and is doing the typical ostrich approach.
What would be the less ideal alternative is if you had a keyless entry system where you could issue Sally a temporary code that would last for say 20 minutes and then expire.
See about getting a system
See about getting a system that notifies you when a wrong code is entered and what it is... It could be funny later if Bm tries to use the code and it's expired...
If the skids haven't had a
If the skids haven't had a house key to date, why do they need one now? Can you not lock the house without a key? I don't have a key to my parents' house, and I didn't have one for the 18 years I lived there with them. I never needed one.
That said, I agree with your approach - give skid the key but make the rules clear, including that the key is not to be copied or given to anyone else.
GREAT POINT ...I didnt have a
GREAT POINT ...I didnt have a key to my childhood home. Nor did we have keys to their condos post parent divorce.
No Key Until Now
That is exactly right, they've not had a key up to this point and we've been in this house for over a year. They are only at our house every other weekend, and they have always been dropped off by their mom when we are there, or picked up by there dad and brought home. They've never neefed a key, nor do I thinkk they are responsible enough to maintain one. That being said, the only reason they need one is that DH's e. Is spposedly going to be there to pick them up before he gets home from work. My solution was, well have her wait till you get home. But apparently he doesn't want to have to deal with her so he'd rather just have her come when he's not there. This is the type of behavior that just sends me through the roof.
And CG, it is clear to me you have no kids and I've never had to deal with stepchild, X issues before. I agree with what the others are responding to you.
Maybe BM is giving your dh
Maybe BM is giving your dh flack....
"WHY cant the chilllllll-dreeeeeennnnnn have keys to the house. YOU are making them feeeeellllllll like they dont belong there. Seeeeee you are an awful dad.
No, you are not overreacting
No, you are not overreacting at all. You are being too nice about it all actually. This is your house, not the skids or the bm's house. It doesn't sound like they need a key anyway since they are just being picked up, if I read it correctly.
I would never ever trust a youngster with keys to my home whatsoever. I don't care who they are. My skids will never, ever, ever get keys to our house for any reason and my DH knows this and feels the same way. What if someone loses a key or copies are made without your permission?
maybe you might want to look into one of the automated door locks that ring your smartphone and with a door cam, you can see who is at your door and decide if you want to unlock the door from a remote location with your smartphone for them or not.
remember, those skids will grow into adult skids, who may feel they have free run of your home, because they have a key. My skids had keys to DH's house and took things from him that were not theirs, amongst other obnoxious things they did at DH's house. Give them an inch, and they will take a mile.
If they don't live there full time, they don't need a key, unless they are taking care of a pet or watching your home while you are gone. The home DH and I live in is NOT the skids home, thus they do not need a key.
Everything depends on family
Everything depends on family circumstances. I always had a key to my parent's home and they to mine. My kids have a key to mine and I to theirs. We check each other's houses when we are away. My kids always call before they come and only one time has one kid stayed at the house while we were away. There had been a storm and his electricity and heat were out. He used his key and stayed in our spare room until his utilities were restored. Brought his own food and cleaned before he left.
Skids. One skid will never have a key (things would disappear).. Other skid I gave a key and told her to put it somewhere safe. I told her I always want her and the kids to have a place to go if she needs to leave (she's left before, but gone back). She's never used the key (yet)
Everything depends on family circumstances. If I thought BM would enter the house with a skid key, I'd withhold it.
I don’t plan to give a key to SSs
BM has pitched a fit in the past when DH wanted to stop in front of her house and pick up SSs for a school function (“I don’t even want you to come near my house!!!” Said through tears). Also, BM always has money troubles (even though she makes at least twice what DH makes) and is petty and nosy. Finally, when we’d moved, we did not give her the address (she insists that DH do all the drop off and pick up) and she has gone out of her way to tell DH, “I know where you live!” and threatened to come over early to pick up SS when he doesn’t get his way and calls her to cry about it. She’s also accused me of “possibly being a child abuser” and a wanting to take her kids away from her - even though I’ve barely spoken to her. For all these reasons, I don’t trust her and since she is my SSs’ mother that unfortunately means I don’t trust them to manage a key responsibly. They have previously served as her spies - she’ll always text DH after their visits inquiring about some part of our life that she should have no knowledge of and when he tells her something isn’t true, she’ll say, “that’s not what the kids tell me!” If I have to feel guarded while they are around, they will have to deal with not having a key.
There is no way in hell I
There is no way in hell I would ever give my skids or let DH give the skids a key to your house. OP you have a right to feel secure in your own home. Are the skids going to break because they don't have a key to daddy's house? I think not! Stand your ground and tell your DH how you feel.
I will say - key or no key -
I will say - key or no key - you do have to make the boundaries clear to the kids.
My sister is custodial stepmom to her oldest (He came into their household at 4 going on 5 showing lots of signs of neglect and severe speech/develpmental delays. He's now a healthy and smart 12-year-old and a great big brother / big cousin who the entire family adores...so, yeah. He feels wanted.)
Still, his mom has made life pretty awful for my sister. That seems to be settling down a bit, but she's texted her horrible things, called and screamed at her...and everytime the kid went to his mom's for visitation, he came back and told my sister something or other that his mom had said about her, his dad, and their home...usually about how they weren't doing enough for him in some way...which is rich considering the state that DSS found him in, the fact that his own mom endangered his life not once, but twice (that the police know about) by driving under the influence of meth with him in the car, and the fact that his mom never paid a dime of child support...but my sister and her husband with their stable family, nice, big home with a pool and a dog and a bedrrom for each of the three kids and a playroom...they're not doing right by her child, apparently...
One time, after my sister posted back-to-school pictures of the kids, his mom texted and called her yelling because his clothes weren't as nice as the other kids. My sister tried to explain to her that the shirt was what he'd picked out...but no good. "I just hate that he'll never know a mother's love!!!!" and "I hate that he has to grow up in a home where he's treated like a second class citizen!!!!"
Naturally, this whole situation has been really hard on my sister. As I mentioned, it's starting to calm down and feel more normal...but right in the middle of the weekly onslaught of hatred, my sister came home one day to find the BM and grandma hanging out on her back screened-in porch with SS. She blew a gasket - told them they were never to step foot inside her house...etc. They acted all affronted. They had gotten there 5 minutes early and didn't want SS to wait by himself...what's the big deal? Boy, she's an uptight b****, isn't she? Etc., etc. Fortunately, my sister's DH stood up for her and called the BM and discussed boundaries...and no one blamed the kid at all. Why wouldn't he allow his mom into his home? How is he supposed to know better? His mom knew better, though...and she did it because she was nosy and full of spite and hate for my sister.
The thing you can never understand unless you've been in a SM's shoes is the constant judgment from hostile parties, and what that can do to your psyche and sense of security. That's an unfair expectation to put on someone...to just take it while being judged harshly and intruded on in her own home.
So, yes...in this case...OP's sense of security in her own home (her full-time home, no less...not her weekend home) is far, far more important than the skids having a key or whatever other nonsense is being discussed here. That's OP's one and only full time home...so SHE needs to feel welcome and safe there.