CS Suport and Sports-- mind blown!!!!!
I just need to vent.................... I am a custodial SM of 3 who see their mom every other weekend for the last 11 years. Recently after 10 years my DH asked for a review on CS due to medical increases and just basic life stuff. We never asked for any out of pocket medical (even though the decree stated we could) Lets say over the last year she has not liked this since it was increased by over $100 a month and we started asking for her 46% out of pocket medical expenses. My recent bitch is that last year she would not pay for any sports (fine), but when the event landed on her weekend the kids needed to speak to her on payment since it was ultimately up to her if she wanted to spend her court appointed weekend doing the sport. My DH and I were not going to pay for a tournament that they may not show up for because that is not what she wanted to do that weekend. So we put the ball in her court when it came to those. We paid everything else and last year the cost came to $3000.00 in sports (for all 3), that she paid $275 of. This year my DH and I decided since it was such a big deal every time something was due that we needed to talk about the expectation for next year with bio mom. My DH sent an email with price break outs and asked how she would like to handle the sports for 2019. Her response was mind blowing to me. She stated since we had increased (we????? you mean your legally minimum requirement by the state) that she finds it Ludacris that we would even ask for her to pay for sports. BUT..................... if we would let her claim a child on taxes she would be happy to help. She also stated that she would never want her children to feel like they cannot do a sport. But that since she used the tax money in the past for that “QUOTE”, on things she is not legally obligated to do their DH is to blame. WTF.
Were we really out of line to ask if she was willing to pay for any of it?????
Few more years and this BM crap will be done.
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Not out of line but it is her
Not out of line but it is her decision to contribute or not. I know an extra $100 a month probably doesn't cover even half of the sports expense for 3 kids but again, she doesn't have to pay a penny. If you do let her claim one child, how much is she going to put towards his/ her sport? EIC is about $3,000 correct?
She did not say how much she
She did not say how much she would be willing to help with if we did. But then we would be out tax return money, i just dont see why we need to pay her back in a why to pay for an additional cost.
At the end of the day we were asking if she would like to help with the cost, if the answer is no then it is no. But with that if they cant do sports due to cost then in theory she cant bitch about it either. (not that would happen)
Just a pain in the ass.
She absolutely cannot
She absolutely cannot complain if you decide to not enroll them because carrying the full cost isn't in your budget.
Extra curriculars are a
Extra curriculars are a touchy subject. Usually we see more issues from the other side of the coin where the other household signs kids up for expensive and time consuming activities that infringe on that parent's custodial time... which they already feel is limited.
So, at the heart of it.. extra curricular is extra.. while it is a nice enrichment for a child's life, it isn't an absolute necessity and there are often great differences in costs between a local rec league or school team vs an expensive "pay for play" travel or competition team. It also is tough when one party may not be relatively well off as a family and having the other family try to force them to spend money that they can't afford on a luxury like a travel team when they can't afford to go out to eat at their house. Or the NCP has a spouse and skids/family may have other interests.. like to go camping etc.. and that doesn't mesh well when the visiting skid has their competitiion cheer event on the weekends because it "blows the whole weekend" for everyone because they can't leave the area...(I know my YSD's things would be all day events.. sometimes two days.. so that meant we were all hostage to that schedule. And it is tough to expect a whole other family of people to adjust their plans because you want to dress up your kid in bows.
But, there is also your perspective... your household bears the full financial brunt of these things. So.. I have a few suggestions and they pretty much are going to put things in your court.. as in what you can control... you can't make the ex pay very easily.. she may not have it.
1. If money is an issue.. perhaps look at more economical options.. or limiting participation to fewer sports (if they are in year round.. perhaps drop a season?)
2. If it's the fact that kids miss important events because of custody timing.. you can see if the EX will work to trade off weekends/time so that the kids can stay with your when they have events that you have paid for.
One of the sports Trap, is on
One of the sports Trap, is on Mondays only right after school and never affect her parenting time or ours to be honest.
The other is baseball, that is a season that runs from May-July and is 2 games a week and 1 -2 tournaments a month.
The big one is Lacrosse, that is a traveling team and tournaments only 1-2 a month on a weekend and runs from May – Oct.
When it comes to her weekends we have always left the ball in her court, if she does not want to bring them she can ask us to do and we will. Or if is she has other plans such as family events, camping, vacation etc…… she will need to let the child know that they will not be going to their sporting event.
Keep in mind the kids are two 16yr old’s and 1 14 yr. old. Who really enjoy their sports, and sitting at home with her cause she does not want to “DO IT” is no ok with DH or the kids. Now that the kids can drive that issues has resolved itself.
The issues was no longer the time, it was the cost. She was asked to help, not forced. But asking for money in return is appalling.
You were not out of line for
You were not out of line for asking if she could contribute since these expenses were more significant than what might be included in existing support pmts. But, if she can't afford to pony up, not too much you can do about that. I guess I understand her saying that if she can claim a kid it would offset her contributions that way.. not sure if your DH gets to take advantage of a large EIC benefit or not.. and maybe in relative terms she would?
Libala----what mom does
Libala----what mom does during her visitaiton is NOT up to your dh. You and DH and the kids can no micro manage her private time.
If she wants to pitch a tent in the back yard, make hotdogs every weekend...that is her decision.
did you read my post??? Per
did you read my post??? Per my post........................
" but when the event landed on her weekend the kids needed to speak to her on payment since it was ultimately up to her if she wanted to spend her court appointed weekend doing the sport. My DH and I were not going to pay for a tournament that they may not show up for because that is not what she wanted to do that weekend. "
We never force, or push her to do anything on her weekend. That is up to her and the child.
Kiddie "activities" has been
Kiddie "activities" has been a huge problem for divorced parents for at least 20years when I first took notice.
I wonder how many weekends ncp didnt have with the kids because they were playing ball somewhere.
All this is IS a reverse of power with bm being ncp.
No sympathy here.
Next you will expect her or wiggle in with what she owes you for cars and car insurance.
I friend of mine took her x back to court for all the extras. Car, car insurance, activities, cell phones and college expenses, his portion of medical.. Turns out the Judge said NOPE with the exception of his portion of medical. She is a very good mom butttt,,,he was paying cs.
expect????? No we don’t
expect????? No we don’t expect her to pay extra, my bitch was that she said she would only if she is compensated. This was a simple question if she was willing to help out or not. If she can’t afford it, then so be it we pay for it all.
Also we did buy a car and have insurance on them BOTH and do not ask her to pay a dime. We even told her since we hold the insurance she did not need to pay to get them insured and we can give her proof to show her insurance company. She decided she want to double insure then so she pay extra cause that is what she wants to do. That is on her.
As for her weekend, we also don’t force or assume she will go to the sport. This has always been between her and the child to figure out if they go or not.
So to clear it up, she is not put in a corner and forced to do a sport on her weekend.
She is not forced to pay or agree to the sport. We do the sport on our time, and the other 4 days of the month she does what she does.