My husband is trying quite hard to win me back since he found out I actually will leave him, and am planning this. He has been very nice to me for several days now, but I think it is all acting. On Monday night, he was very angry with me, and kept me awake all night. The main subject of this conversation was his son, mostly how awful he thinks it is that I do not like his son. During these conversations, after these years, I now detach a bit from the emotion, and try to observe him and understand what is happening. In this conversation, I learned a lot about how he sees his role as a parent, and his son as a person.

First, he does not appear to view his son as his own distinct person. He is extremely offended that I do not like his son, and he repeated many times, "He is me. He is a piece of me." I reminded him, "No, you are you, and he is him. You are related, but you are different people. I can like you and not like him." To him, this was inconceivable because to him, his son is almost like an appendage. I found this alarming in some way. What will he think when his son is 13 years old and no longer wishes to be an appendage? What will happen when he is forced to understand the reality that his son is a person distinct from him? I think this will be an ugly time for anyone who is near him then.

Second, he thinks his son is at great disadvantage in life, solely because he is not with him each day. To understand this, I must note that his son's mother's family is very wealthy, he lives in the most expensive neighborhood in town, attends a top rated school, and neither of his parents works full time, and both drop everything the moment he walks through the door, so he has their undivided attention since birth. This kid has so many toys and gets everything when it first is released, so much that when it is his birthday or Christmas, we need to search for toys that were never released in the US to get him because everything in stores or Amazon US, he has. His son is at no disadvantage. He is quite privileged. My husband mentions when I remind him of these facts that my kids are quite privileged as well, and I agree, they are, but he thinks that my kids are at an advantage over his son because he lives in the home with them, so they see him each day, and his son sees him only 50% of days. This almost made me laugh. He thinks the most important thing in a kid's life is as much time with him as they can have, not "supportive family", or "good school", or "family involved in education", or "enough resources". No, just him.

On that point, I must mention that nothing is really wrong with his son's mother. No, she and I do not like one another, but it is personality only. I find her annoying, but she is not a bad person. I disagree with her parenting style (she gives stepson anything he wants even if it is unreasonable) but stepson lacks nothing in her home, and she does nothing dangerous. She has never taken drugs or smoked, and she only drinks a glass of wine with dinner sometimes. She has only dated one person since the divorce, and he is also someone whose personality I do not like, but has done nothing wrong. She volunteers in his school and tries to be a good parent. My husband does not fear for his son's safety or wellbeing in her home. He only thinks it is important that he be present and she not have influence. I think this is ridiculous.

Third, he likes to keep score. I mean, he really loves to keep score. This may be a hobby of his, he loves it that much. This is the most frustrating part of the conversation, and difficult to describe without writing one hundred pages of dialogue. The short way is, he does not know why I think it is difficult to be a stepparent to his son. He thinks it should be easy for me because my kids are with me full time and I have more kids.

Now it is important to note that I often tell my husband I know he does a lot, and that it is difficult to be a stepparent, and to tell me if it becomes too much that my kids come home to him after school (he watch them for one hour until I come home from work) and I will change this. I ask him a lot if he is ok because I know stepparenting is difficult, and I do not want to make it worse for him. In return, I would like him to acknowlede that my share is difficult as well. Yes, it is smaller than his share, but there are things about it that are unfair and difficult, and it is worse when I am told only, "This is nothing. It should be easy for you. Your only emotion should be happy for me to see my son."

I tried to explain how difficult it is that the visitation schedule was made without asking me if it was ok, that he is in some role between family member and guest where he is not expected to do what family members do for our home, but we cannot decline a visit if it is a bad time like we could a guest, and he is allowed access to all parts of our home as if he were family. It is the hardest parts of both. I am required to commit resources to him, but I cannot decide how he conduct himself. He comes into my home if I like it or not, and most of the time he is there is time I am not at work, so for me, it feels more than 50%, but when I try to make him clean after himself or do some chore, I am told, "I never see him! He does not come here to be your maid!" For me, it feels that he never goes home. I am clear that I do not think this is more difficult than what my husband does with my kids, but it is not, as my husband says, "nothing". No one likes to do something difficult and the person they do it for tells them they did nothing.

He refused to see my side of it. I only wanted him to acknowledge that I do something, and he could not do that. The only way it will be ok for him is if I say, "Yes, this is correct. I do nothing. You do everything. I am happy that your son comes to my home and does anything he wants. Can I spend my entire paycheck on more video games and junk food for him? Please bring him to spend time in our bedroom because I know now that my need for privacy and space is nothing compared to your son's want to play with my things and put snack wrappers under my pillow. Thank you for bringing this wonderful child into my life. I have no idea what I did before I knew him. I wish he were mine. I am troubled that I have to share him with his mother." Of course, this is not reality, but it is the only thing he will accept from me.

Fourth, he thinks he is objective. I told three examples of times he yelled at my kids for something stepson does every day with no reaction, but he said he had good reason to yell at my kids and that stepson never did those things ever. I told him I know I am biased, and that when stepson does something that annoys me, I think, "How would I react if my child of the same age did this?" I have corrected him much less and much more calmly since doing this, but my husband still thinks I am horrible and mean to him, and that he is like a saint to my kids. This part was possibly the most telling of them all. He seems incapable of looking at his side of the situation as a biased side the same as mine is. He knows I am biased. I make no secret of this. Being biased toward my own kids does not make me a bad person. It makes me human. I think when we admit we are biased, we can work with it, and do our best. I do not know what to say about him thinking he is not biased. How does a person not see this when it is so severe?

I think this conversation was informative in why our stepfamily and marriage will not work. I also think some of these tendencies may be common.