The negative parts of disengagement
As much as disengagement has saved me some stress, I realized that it isn't all that great when your DH refuses to stop being the stepkids' doormat.
Now that they aren't allowed in my home, DH goes to see his kids outside. And 99% of the time they go for dinner with him paying.
So with three kids, he is buying them dinner almost 4 times a week. Or he just goes to hang out with them at the movies or at their homes.
But when I want to go out to eat, he needs to watch his weight, or only if I can cover it. We have separate finances and his kids are depleting his "fun" budget.
Out of spite I have gone out to dinner myself but it's lonely. One of my closest friends passed away and the other moved to a different state to be closer to her grandkids. I have no family.
I had this dream of having a chance at family and grandkids with my stepkids. How stupid was I? All I got was years of stress and harassment and disrespect.
Now, I get to see DH prancing around with his progeny while I am at home. I miss spending more time with him and dare I say I miss the stepkids. I have been in their lives for 15 years. It's hard to just forget about them.
Also, its very hard to make good friends when you are older. I wish I had made more of an effort to make more friends before. But life happened.
This was just my experience anyway. Just feeling a bit sad today.
I know exactly what you mean,
I know exactly what you mean, the only difference is we don't have seperate finances and i don't miss the skids, they hurt me wayy to deep, I miss how things used to be and could have been, sadly they don't , disengagement hurts me wayyy more than it hurts them.
I also have no family close by and no irl friends to mention at this point in my life.
We feel exactly the same wow.
We feel exactly the same wow. I think you should separate your finances. I would be even more upset if my money was used to entertain his monsters.
What would be the possibility
What would be the possibility of softening your stance on him seeing them inside the home? Perhaps with you choosing to maybe join a club or something that meets in the evening?
Or.... maybe you could directly tell him what you are telling us. I understand that you are going with my wishes to not visit with the kids here but it does bother me that at every outing you are springing for meals for everyone and this is happening several times a week. That is adding up to hundreds of dollars a month and when I ask if we can go out, you tell me you basically can't afford it. Please keep in mind that you may be a bit bored of eating out because you are doing it all the time, but I hardly ever get to go out now and it's frustrating that you are spending all of your disposable income on your kids and not saving any of it for us as a couple? what can we do to change this because I am not feeling very valued as a partner right now?
There are 7 days in a week,
There are 7 days in a week, and 4 of these days your DH is buying is kids dinner? You don't have a disengagement problem - you have a problem where your DH is choosing to be with his adult children rather than you. 4 times a week is excessive for adult children.
You need to think about your needs and define them. Therapy may help. Then communicate them to your DH and see if he wants to be a spouse or not. If not, then figure out the next steps.
I live in an area with a lot of retirees. Don't assume that because you are not happy with the number of friends you have that it cannot change. Most people I do things with now are people I met in the last 18 months. Get active in your community and volunteer. There are a lot of ways to meet other people and lead a fulfilling life.
You took the words right out
You took the words right out of my mouth Sacrificiallamb
I agree with Lamby on this.
I agree with Lamby on this. "4 times a week is excessive for adult children." I think maybe there are some things here that don't have anything to do necessarily with disengagement that you are blaming on disengagement. Disengagement is supposed to be empowering and not a situation where you still feel hurt while DH and the adult SKs, GSKs are yucking it up.
I remember once there this joke on Cheers about how many times so-and-so had sex a week, and when the number was given, let's say it was 4, one of the regulars 1/2-jokingly said, "I don't do anything 4 times a week." Is was hilarious, but the point was well made that what is someone's "normal," may not be another's. Since most quality interaction with couples happens in the evening, he should not be spending more time with his kids than you. This should not have been going on even before the disengagement. Is he married to them or to you? I agree that you need to think about your needs and define them better.
Disenegagement may continue to work for you, but maybe the real issue is you want him around you more, which, as a wife, makes sense. You didn't get married for him to go do whatever HE wants while you are expected to sit in the dark. If he won't support you with this kids, then he can go off by himself and do ____? with them on his time. But, he should only be doing that about a couple of times a week, although sometimes it is hard to put a number on it. He sounds more insensitve, tho., in more ways than just with the SKs, if he is running off to them 4 times a week. For a wife, he might as well be running off to another woman or off to go drinking with the boys more nights than not. That is a marriage issue and not necessarily a SK issue.
Yeah!, think this through more, journal, see a counselor alone, and decide where you want to go from there. Whatever you do, you don't have to just suck it up and take it. Again, disengagement is supposed to be empowering. If it is not, then you need to work a little more to get at the core of the real issues, and real decisions you may need to make.
My skids have always used my
My skids have always used my DH as the bank. I know what you mean about always paying for dinners, lunch or brunch. Last fathers day the skids took him out for a lunch. When he came home he bragged about his kids treating him for lunch. So they dish out 10 bucks for a burger. BIG DEAL! I find it frustrating that he is always paying for everything. But it is his money.
It does feel awful to be left out. Sorry you are feeling like this. I have a skid that my DH thinks is perfect in every way. I feel just the opposite so I am thankful when he see's skid without me. I don't live in fantasy land like he does.
It is harder to make new friends as we grow older. Start doing things on your own more and it will feel more comfortable as you do this. I am a person who can not be around people all the time. I enjoy alone time. Sometimes my very best days are days when I am alone. As for my skids if I see them 2 to 3 times a year I am just fine. I find their entitlement to be exhausting.
I am so sorry, I was also on
I am so sorry, I was also on the receiving end of very serious repercussions after disengagement, and sometimes I still wonder, 'What if I hadn't?'
The difference was that when I moved to be with him, I made an effort to make friends and get involved in community activies, because I knew no one and theX was not a sociable man. This stood me in good stead after disengagement as I was always busy- I also had my own finances which also made this possible.
He started going out on a 'date' night once a week with OSD, but the truth was his kids didn't really want that much to do with him unless they needed something, so it was very sad seeing him floundering around, but was really only what he had brought on himself.
I don't really know what to suggest as I know it isn't easy to put yourself out there, but maybe you could seek some counselling to raise your self-esteem and maybe get some help with your depression.
I'm sorry but I don't have a very high opinion of your DH prancing around- I think it is mean spirited and childish. You could discuss this with him, of course, but he may not be appreciative of your feeling sorry for yourself, as he would perhaps see it.
I hope you get to have some fun soon, either with or without him- but please try to get some help for yourself first.
Join a group
In my opinion, your DH is trying to make you suffer so eventually you will give in and then you all can play 'pretend' happy family again. I can't believe that he would be so blind as to not think 4 days a week was excessive. If you have disengaged from the skids there is a good reason. You should not sacrifice your right to mutual respect so DG will act like a husband to you. By going out with the skids 4 times a week, he is not fulfilling his responsibility to be a good husband.
Let him know 'nicely' that you will continue to stand firm. Join a group involved with something you are passionate about even if you are not a 'group' type person. Come home excited - even if you have to fake it. He needs to see that you can have a life too, that you are not sitting home waiting for him to take you out. Believe me - if you start showing that you value yourself, your DH will follow your example.
I have to admit it is harder to make good friends when we get older. I find that I seem to be attracted to people who echo the behavior of people from my past because it is familiar rather that good. And I am presently fighting this. I'm learning that 'close' is relative. It is comforting to know I am not alone.
Sandye your first line in
Sandye your first line in your post is what my DH did to me. Well he thought this is what he thought he was doing to me. What the man didn't realize is how much better my life was not being around these people. Jokes on him!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Until you force him to feel
Until you force him to feel the pain of his fun budget depleting you won't get thru to him. You need to have fun without him. Find a volunteer group, or wine tasting or some other hobby YOU like. Fall in love with yourself and let that bleed over into life with him. You are a wonderful person who is being eaten up by jealousy over his choices. This isn't a game with him, it should be a lifestyle that causes you to blossom from the freedom from toxic bullshit. Why can't he have group dinners instead of one on one dinners? He is nickle and dimeing the relationship hoping you will cave. Call him on it. How much have you changed from the woman you were when you met compared to now? Not sure how long you have been at this disengagement but to me sounds as if its still new and he is testing the waters.
Right now he is seeing each
Right now he is seeing each of his three kids separately and once with some of them along with FIL. Four times is a lot for me too but I don't know how I can tell him to see them less.
When I banned the kids it caused a lot of fights between us, even though we both know I am right. He is just a total wimp with his kids.
Maybe I need to tell him directly about how I feel as some as you suggested. I can't believe I would even have to. Shouldn't he know how all of this is affecting me?
I am going to take the advice here and join some sort of club. I need to get myself out of this negative space.
And I think when DH realizes I am ok without him maybe he'll stop acting like he has no time or money for me.
If you are retired you have
If you are retired you have the freedom to join clubs and such things. If you are still working try a yoga class. Or if you have hobby do it more. Right now you feel this way because he is with these skids. It is hard. But once you get more, even if you are doing things on your own, you will feel better. Try doing something you have never done on your own before. Take a dance class, cooking class, painting class. Send a day just on your own. Go to a museum by yourself. It really is the best way to see everything. Take an uber so you don't have to drive. Start treating yourself today to a happier life without anyone but yourself.
I still work. I love your
I still work. I love your ideas. Maybe painig classes would be fun.
I just wish I could spend my time with DH too.
"Shouldn't he know how all of
"Shouldn't he know how all of this is affecting me?"
Not to defend him, but remember that men in general do not think the way women do. I have remind myself all the time to not judge my DH's thought process with what might be very clear in my own mind. And also that the #1 concern to these DH's is his comfort, not his wife, not his children. That's why you need to determine your needs and communicate them to him - to make sure he is truly aware but still choosing to spend more time with his kids.
You are so very right that
You are so very right that her husband's concern is his comfort. For some men that is all that matters. Even though it is sad it is true for men who are divorced and have children. They will never put their wife first even though their children are grown adults.
Keep reminding us of this
Keep reminding us of this Lamby!, "The #1 concern to these DH's is his comfort, not his wife, not his children." We need to have that drilled into our heads! I'm putting it at #1 on the 12-step program.
Okay Ldvilen every time I
Okay Ldvilen every time I think of my skids I am reminded of this. I want to forget this sh!t!!!!!!!!!!! LOL
"#1 concern to these DH's is
"#1 concern to these DH's is his comfort, not his wife, not his children:"
This is so accurate it's sad.
I'm sure that eventually they
I'm sure that eventually they will all stop playing this silly game, and it must be driving DH mad to have to spend so much time with his kids??
I think you do have to be very direct with most men- they don't get signals or sublety. You do have to tell him how it is affecting you because he won't know. However, you may not get the response you expect. I suspect that getting you to complain may be exactly what he is looking for- so I would be tempted to go down the path of finding a club or other activity to do, because I think your last sentence is the way forward...
Oh he loves all the time he
Oh he loves all the time he spends with them. When they were growing up, he had to fight any scraps of affection/attention from them. There was a lot of alienation. So he has no issues being their walking and talking ATM now.
I feel both angy and sad for him. The amount of things the kids and BM put him through would make anyone act crazy.
And I agree. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of complaining about this. But I do want to insist he spend "fun" time with me too.
"I do want to insist he spend "fun" time with me too."
Please don't lower yourself to 'insist' he spend time with you. He knows you are miserable, it is probably easy to see. Obtaining the skids approval, even if it is misguided, is more of a priority for him and his ego. As Lamby pointed out, he is really just thinking of himself.
He has to make the choice to be with you rather than the skids. This means lifting yourself up and making your life so attractive he can't resist wanting to be a part of it.
My DH was like yours. I could go into several instances of how hurt I was because it seemed like he would rather do anything than be alone with me or do something on my behalf. When I retired he had a fit because he didn't want to take off work to attend. When we went on vacations with SD they would walk in front of me, side by side, enjoying the sights of a city, while I shuffled on the sidewalk behind them. The more I stayed home and worried about him making me a priority, the more depressed I became.
When I finally had enough, and SD had a meltdown, I visited a Therapist who helped to gain confidence and self-worth to not only set boundaries but to make myself a top priority - just like DH was doing.
It took a bit of time but now we are both 'invested' in each others' lives. You say you want to start painting. I became an artist and have several pieces of artwork in houses across the U.S. He is now considered a Gardening 'expert'. We both support and are proud of each other. And when we go out for dinner we have fun.
Visiting a Therapist on your own, along with treating yourself special could really help. And please don't lose hope.
There was a period when I
There was a period when I also felt I wasn't a priority in DH's life. Seemed I was always the last person in line for his attention, whether it was skids, friends, hobbies, whatever. I was miserable.
I did all the wrong things -- cried, begged, got angry, tried to change myself to please him. And NO man is worth all that. Eventually I got tired of being miserable. I got control of my OWN life, rediscovered my OWN self worth, reengaged in my OWN hobbies. It was a lot of work, but with the guidance of a wonderful therapist I got there. I still don't have many local friends though, so I know how hard that is.
I set some boundaries for myself and for the marriage--and DH could support the marriage or not. If he chose not to, I knew I would be fine on my own. Several years later DH and I are happy and the marriage is strong.
Google the 180. Its from the
Google the 180. Its from the Divorce Busting book and is very helpful in understanding how to find yourself again.
meetup.com has a lot of fun
meetup.com has a lot of fun clubs you can join. The one in my area has a Dining Group, and another Social Group that goes out to eat and to movies and bands. I've made a lot of friends this way.
Sandye21 is a wise person!
Sandye21 is a wise person! Read Sandye21's post over and over. I have followed this site for over 5 years and my feet are finally firm on the ground.
I also totally disengaged; the very tactics being used against you, were used on me, from my DH. He even left me sitting home one Christmas and one Thanksgiving. I made other plans and endured the heartbreak of how I was being treated, because I disengaged from SD and her family. I went through at least 2 years of wondering if I could survive my marriage.
Now I don't care. I am involved with way too many hobbies (will never complete them all). I set up hobbies for every time I get depressed or feel left out. I made friends and visit family. I go to the gym in the winter months, do yard work and gardening in the summer months. I stay busier than I ever dreamed I could. Now DH doesn't see his DD and family, because they are busy with their lives, and have dumped him. I am busy with my life, although I make time for DH when I want.
It will turn around and get well for you; that said, it takes time and a great deal of effort on your part. I do not chase after DH, I do not complain, or ask anything from my DH. He had his chance and he wasted the best years of our life; now we are retired and I just am busier than I ever was, while working. DH has made a 180 turnaround. We do well, but I will never go back to running after his whims and wants.
#1 Stay here; this is the best!
Deleted
Replied in wrong place. LOL
sandye21: I have NEVER had
sandye21: I have NEVER had harsh words with SD57 nor SGD34 (mother/daughter). They have taunted me with hate email, FB messages, and texts. They do not have the nerve to face me or say these nasty things to my face. They have lied and gossiped about me for years. They were very passive aggressive to me. I blocked them from all social media and they do not have my phone number. I solved the social media problem.
The main thing that kept me going was this site (Steptalk) and the love for DH, as well as always continuing to take the high road; which proves that I am a bigger person. Never lowering myself to their low standards.
DH has always been very good to me and for me. We have always had a deep love, which SD was extremely jealous. SD even told me one day, "I hate the love you two have, because BM and my Dad never had this".
My disengagement enraged SD and SGD. They took my kindness (30+ years) as weakness. When I disengaged, they saw a person (myself) they really never had taken the time to know. They are still in shock. I disengaged in silence. I am they type of person "when I'm finished, I walk away and never look back". Like I said, they are still in shock and handle it with anger and showing their true colors. I call it KARMA.
It has taken five years to get here, after a very nasty disengagement (DH was very angry with me). The bottom line is: my SD and her family will always be part of my life, as long as I am married to DH (38 years now). My marriage and love for my DH are so strong, nobody can take it away, unless I let them do so. How I handle my SD and family now, is my choice. I have chosen disengagement, which is very difficult at times; but it is working for me.
You are an inspiration to me and I follow your posts and many others here to stay where I am today. Thank you for being so straight up and honest with your posts.
You are my rock!
Sammi, As I have written before, you are my rock! It is SOOOO hard to deal with the negativity that life with a revengeful SD and weak DH present. I honestly thought for a long time I was going mad, that there really WAS something wrong with me. Thank goodness I found you and many other supportive people on this site because as we both know it can sometimes take decades to finally stop the B.S. Every day I come back here to validate the reason why I disengaged 7 years ago and stay the course.
You wrote, you were "--- always continuing to take the high road; which proves that I am a bigger person. Never lowering myself to their low standards" when you decided to set your boundaries. And I truly believe this is key. I lived with their 'low standards' only because I allowed it. One day I just became so overly saturated that there was no where to go but up and that meant making a life for me whether DH was in it or not. And I certainly have no room for a spoiled, pouting, bitter 44 year old SD. If she were to re-enter my life at this time it would be under the same conditions you hold for your SD - anything negative out of her and she would be out the door.
Like you, we had to come to an understanding. Today DH and I have a wonderful relationship. Thanks for being there for me.
Appreciation
"They took my kindness... as weakness."
That is exactly how it goes. I am just learning, and I appreciate your descriptions (even though I have a sweet-but-lazy-partier SS18 instead of a hostile, maliscious, nightmare SD) on how you navigate through things.
This website is so educational. Tipping my coffee in a good-morning salute to all the STepTalkers.
What adult kids have time to
What adult kids have time to have dinner with their parents 4x a week and how are they ok making him foot the bill every single time?! I took the family out to a semi niceish dinner the other night and it was over $50, doing this 4x would be at least $200 a week $800 a month. Don't they have friends, kid activities, jobs and spouses to attend to?
About friends, there are those rare people who have lifelong friendships, most of us have friends for periods of our lives and then they move on. We move, change, have families, drift apart... Right now my focus is on work, family, and fitness, I'm sure friends will come more into play when all the kids move out. Yes I'll have to do some footwork and go out and make them. Realize that there are so many people out there feeling the same way as you, be the first to reach out. Go to Dining Out groups (look on MeetUp.com) while DH is yucking it up w/his kids. Let him know how great the food and people were. Use this time to pursue your interests, take classes and you'll naturally meet other like minded folks to go to lunch or coffee with after class.
What about family members? Is there anyone you can reach out to? The people I am currently closest to are a sister and a cousin.
"I get to see DH prancing around with his progeny while I am at home."
^This is the issue. DH knows that his little woman will be home waiting for him while he runs around, spends all his money and does what he wants. Break the cycle and show him that you're going to go out and have fun with or without him.
https://www.meetup.com/topics/seniors/?_cookie-check=rYog-ZJCPosx-LRt
https://www.nationalservice.gov/programs/senior-corps
still learning has a point in
still learning has a point in this post that I have always given a great deal of consideration. During my life, and the different stages of my life, I have made many friends in different places and under different circumstances. I stay in touch and most important, I have put a great deal of effort into nourishing friendships.
I consider my friend's lives and their ups and downs. I just say hi to them often, call them often just to tell them thank you for something kind they did for me, go to lunch with them (when I think they need support), I take a day off and just spend it with a girlfriend and for pete's sake never forget their birthdays. I like making new friends.
If you want to have people in your life that have the same interests, go places and socialize where you are happy; yes you will feel lonely. It may be a craft show, it may be the gym, it may be shopping or taking a morning or evening daily walk...you will make new friends, if you actually put yourself out for the opportunity, be yourself, and relax. I give my friends privacy and never impose. I have people in my life that lead very different lives, but then I'm a person of diversity. I love "different". I love this site and consider the friendly support I have received here, as a great friendship.
I will mention it again.....nourish your friendships, no matter the distance or circumstances. Be supportive and give; you will be amazed at the results and how it makes you feel. Stay here for sure.
Um. I'm kind of panicking
Um. I'm kind of panicking here. Uh, 4x a week he's gone, hanging out, movies... and you're at home. I'm different then some of the other responders. He's supposed to be your husband? I couldn't possibly be happy in your shoes. And I wouldn't go out and find more friends and separate activities to compensate his away time.
Where is your husband honor for you and or respect to you ? Idk I can be highly independent when I want to be. But, this kind of existence would drive me right on out the door and keep going. I was in this weird relationship once. Once. Lol. And this guy who asked me to marry me slowly stopped doing everything with me. I started feeling like just a friend roommate . Yikes.
So, try saying to dh hey let's go on vaca. Then , try engaging with him on romance, walks together etc... if he retreats then maybe it's dh not skids.
Sorry , I haven't had this happen before. But, this surely isn't right what he's doing
When you disengage you also
When you disengage you also take your money away. This is why I refuse to pay for half of the living expenses so that half of DHs money is freed up for mean abusive disrespectful skids.
Agree hit Meetup and take your money
We have yours, mine and our money our pays house, cars, insurance, investments etc. Mine pays for my stuff his pays for his which is mostly ungrateful spawn. As far as time I won't spend time with them or visit them, may be a holiday dinner out--they behave better in public. But he pays! Even if he cooks a meal for them at home he pays out of his money. No way will one dime of mine go to them ever again.
Meetup.com is amazing I bike 3-5 days a week with women and he does glider lessons. His kids both live in another state, he's going for a week to visit and I couldn't care less won't even ask if they are alive. And I will be with my meetup friends biking away, going to dinner with myself or friends, and just watching a movie I want to see. Find a hobby and then just run with it and ignore him. I also agree with the ignore in the bedroom, if he can't spend time with you then no romance thus why would you want to be with him. He'll figure it out pretty quickly if you're not hanging around pining for him, he may even get jealous because there are nice men at some of these meetup events.