Basically - I do not go! SD22 recently graduated from University in a northern town several hundred miles from us - I didn't go. There was no way I was going to sit down to lunch with "NPD" BM and her other daughter - I would rather spend the day pulling my toenails out with rusty pliers.

My SDs are currently 22 and 20 and neither of them has marriage on the cards atm, thank Goddess. If and when they do - I will have to make a decision, but if I go, I will require a LOT of alcohol, and preferably class A drugs as well. }:)

Skids normally are not around, or shall I say BM won't let them come. We visit DH's parents out of town. This year I told DH we are staying home. If they ever do opt to go, I will be staying home.

My family (my mother was one of 10) has big holiday celebrations where all are welcome. My first year with DH I invited SS (early 20s) to go. He came over the night before high as a kite and stupid as sh*t. I made up an excuse why I had to cancel.

At Christmas after entertaining my family at noon I had SS over for leftovers that night a couple of times. Now I just pretend that SS does not even exist. I think his last graduation was probably from elementary school. He got sent to juvie in middle school for years. So there will never be a graduation.

He has lived with his GF (make that lived off his GF) for 2-3 years and they have a child. They claim (FB) to be "engaged" but there are no wedding plans being made. NO WAY I would attend under any circumstances, but DH would be free to attend unless it conflicted with some travel plans we have.

We've always done Thanksgiving at our house. And not just for the kids. My whole family comes and any friends who don't have somewhere to go. It's a big open house policy on Thanksgiving so that will never change.

Christmas is another matter. Usually we go to my sisters house on Christmas eve and then spend Christmas day at home. We will have munchies and probably a ham and the kids can come and go all day as they want. DH and I agreed years ago we wouldn't pick sides on Christmas Day and leave the day open for everyone to come whenever they want.

Steps are not a fan of this. They want to celebrate Christmas on New Years Eve with us so they can spend Christmas with BM. We did for a few years but as the steps got older it became a drunken bash with them passing shots to my teens and bringing their teenage BIL and allowing him to get drunk. After the last where they were trashed and watching movies I didn't want my teens to see and basically blocked DH from me at midnight he had to kiss everyone from SDs to SGDs to DIL's before me. I told DH no more! From now on we stick with Christmas day being available at home all day and New Years is just for us. The next year when we said this they were pissed! MSD decided to hold Christmas almost two week early and declared I wasn't invited so DH didn't go. Now we haven't seen them the last couple years for Christmas. MSD has let it be known when she bought her house that everyone was expected Christmas day at her house and now she is due Dec 24. I told DH wasn't happening. I'm not spending Christmas driving 2 1/2 hours one way and my children not being invited. His choice he can stay home with me and our open door policy or go but I'm staying home.

I realised I did not address the "holiday" part of your OP. Christmas is the only one really - as we live in the UK and don't have Thanksgiving.
SD22 and SD20 normally come over for one meal - last year one of them brought her boyfriend with her. They never stay over since they live with their mother a few miles up the road. I don't think we've ever had them over on actual Xmas Day - since NPD BM sees this as "her" day. I didn't care, tbh, but I know DH would've liked to.

Are you friendly with any members of DH's family? I would spend time socializing with them at holiday gatherings.

You could also make some sort of a deal with your DH that you leave at a certain point in the evening, so you can put in your time to allow him to socialize, but also leave before it becomes too unbearable.

DH insisted that we be home for all holidays. At first he made it sound like it was something that he wanted for some reason. As years went by I found out the real reason was that he wanted to be home in case the skids decided to stop.
Let's see my first Christmas with the skids (we each had our own place), we shopped for all of their gifts as a couple and I wrapped each and everyone. BM called Christmas Eve and told DH that she had no gifts for the skids so she came to my place and he loaded all gifts into her SUV. Never again!
Christmas year two (we each still had our own place, not yet married). The skids called and begged DH to come and spend Christmas Eve and wake up with them on Christmas morning. He did and called me numerous times during the course of all of this. I sat at home and cried. Never again!
From that point on we never knew if and when they would show up. We made Christmas dinner because they said they were on their way and reheated in many times over. One year we went to bed and they showed up after 1 AM.
So the norm is that DH calls and asks if they are coming. They say yes but DH is one of their last stops. He sits here all day waiting and waiting. Same goes for Thanksgiving.
Now during all of these years my family has always invited us for holidays and we have never gone.
After what has happened this past year with SS and then with the SD's jumping on the I hate no name band wagon we are going away for both holidays.
DH is concerned with gifts for them. I don't care. He can handle it. I don't buy gifts for people who hate me.