Confused and unhappy step mom
My 10 year old step son is manipulative, deceptive, and his dad doesnt see it and he excuses his behaviour and blames anything or anyone for it. The child is spoilt and rude, he does not want to share his dad's attention with anyone, at times he even sheds tears when he can't sit next to his dad. On weekends he goes to his mother's place and bad mouths me and twist things around and tells half truths to make me seem like a bad person and him a victim yet he is the trouble maker who just doesnt want to be corrected at all because he has been used to doing whatever he likes and not be corrected. He has been spoilt all his life. When i moved in with them 6 months ago, he would throw his clothes on the floor when changing instead of putting them in the washing basket and he had to be waken up for school and he would leave his bed undone. He was not given any responsibilites and almost everything had to be done for him, grown up as he is. His father still thinks of him as a child and it annoys me and i really dont appreciate the extra responsibility when i have a 9 month old baby to care for. i have so many responsibilities as a first time wife and mother. The child's mother does not want to take her child because she does not want the responsibility and privacy limits that come with living with him. She is living like a childless woman, free of responsibility of havin to cook for the child in the afternoon washin and ironing his school uniforms and baby sitting. its not fair to me to be burdened like this and not even get a thank you from the mother as she hates me so much and probably trash talks me to his son. Im really unhappy and depressed am starting to resent both the child and the father and considering leaving but then i have a son with him that's what makes it hard. The child always says rude remarks that show he has a problem with my son, he is jealosu of him because he has mother who loves him and his mother's family buy things for him and they love him. Step son's mom doesnt care about him and neither does her family. My young sister told me that she left SS alone with my baby and next thing my baby cried in agony and shed tears and when she asked SS what happened, he said he baby is crying because he kissed him. why would a nine month old cry because his half brother kissed him? i suspect he pinched him or something. SS is driving me crazy and if i continue living with him i will end up hating him to the core. he annoys me so much and he is too talkative, he wants to be the centre of attention, everyone to be quiet and listen to his stupid stories. i feel light and happy during weekends when he is not around. when he is around im just irritable. sadly my DH doesnt seem to see his son for who he really is because the child is manipulative and deceptive. he only kmisbehaves when his dad id not around. i dont know what to do because i just hate living with this child that i dont trust. i dont even hace privacy or comfort anymore because whatever happens or whatever is said around him, he will go and tell his mother. Family matters should stay within the family but its not so. this child twists things around and tells his mother twisted version and his mother is still in touch with my mother in law, so she probably tells my mother in law everything her child tells her and my mother in law will think im a step monster. I can see that being a step mother can really instill anger and hatred in a person. Never judge a person unless you have walked in their shoes.
- decofru's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Is this baby also your DH's
Is this baby also your DH's son? Because it would seem you had a good view to this boy's behavior and I think it might have been a good idea to ensure that your partner was a good parent before having a kid with him when he already wasn't parenting the one he had.
Your partner is the problem. He has raised this child. His mother owes you zero thanks for watching her son on her exhusband's time. The child's issues stem from the way he was raised by his father.. and some of them are also just because he's a 10 yo in a confusing situation. What should not be happening is that your partner does not need to saddle you with the care and feeding of his child. That is his responsibility. Unless he backs you up... no way do you watch his son. Oh.. and you need to supervise this boy with your baby. They do not get to be left alone... that is YOUR responsibility and anything bad happens is going to be your fault. You can't rely on this 10 yo.. especially with all the issues going on. It's absolutely understandable that he would be jealous or feel put out given the new situation. maybe family counseling is in order.. and definitely your partner needs to act as a better parent.
How was your relationship
How was your relationship with SS before you moved in? I am a little curious on how you and DH have a 9 month old but have only been living together for 6 months. Why did you not want to live with your husband while pregnant or during the first few months of your childs life together?
TBH, it sounds like SS is resentful that your DH has moved in a woman and baby- even if it is his half brother. The child needs boundaries, consistancy and probably counseling. There have been many changes in this 10 yr olds life over the last year. You and DH need to get on the same page as far as parenting, especially since you have one together now.
@curious
There is nothing wrong with expecting behaviour to change if its for the better and yes i try to view things from his point of view but a child must behave himself regardless of the changes around him. He has just been used to misbehaving and getting away with it all his life of which i blame his parents for not raising him with discipline and now its affecting me. I believe a child is best living with his mother but my husband wants to have his child around and then expect me to take responsibility for him. Why should i be a new mom to two kids all at once when the bio mom who is rightfully responsible for him is enjoying life free of responsibilities? to answer your question, have i walked in the shoes of a ten year old? It is no one's fault that the child chooses to be selfish and want his dad's attention all to himself, so im not going to sympathise with him there. He may have a hard time accepting his parent's divorce but trust me, it is better for him this way. his parents living together was unhealthy for him because they would fight in front of him verbally and physically it was just toxic. This child is manipulative and deceptive, he is trying to get rid of me and my son so he can have his dad all to himself again, should i sympathise with that. he should be grateful his dad is happy now and in a healthy relationship and he has a sibling now and a step mother who cooks for him and makes sure he eats every night, something his bio mom didn't. I dont think he has any valid thing to complain about as for me im given extra responsibility, striped of comfort and privacy in my own home and i have to deal with a rude disrespectful manipulative child. its very frustrating and provoking. worst part is DH never faults his child because he is perfect in his eyes so we end up arguing and its straining our relationship. fact that im not related to this child means i have no unconditional tolerance or love towards him. I have told DH that we should all go for conselling but he doesnt take me seriously. for now im more worried about my baby who can not talk or defend himself, a jealous child is a dangerous child, i read stories where 9 year olds murder their siblings out of jealosy. Did Cain not murder his owner brother Abel over jealosy? i can tell that this child has a black heart from the remarks he makes its sad that his dad makes excuses for him and so he does not share in my worries, Im all alone, troubled on my own. Im really considering taking my son and leaving but i love my husband and he loves our son so much i dont want to separate them but living with my step son is bringing out the worst in me and straining my marriage
you are attaching adult
you are attaching adult emotions and expectations on a 10 year old.. you are going to be sorely disapointed each and every time... especially when you are talking about a child that has not been raised better.. (again.. you had a child with a father who isn't a great parent... ). Now you may think that it is the woman's place to care for children but apparently your DH thinks he is the better choice for his child. When/if your relationship doesn't work out... and there is a big chance it won't.. he may well feel HE is the better home for your child... that's something to consider. You might be better off working with what you have instead of fighting everything. The kid maybe should "know better" but if not taught.. why would he? Sure behavior can improve if there is consistent work by all involved.. your DH is being lazy and uninvolved.. expect no changes.
@esmond
yes my baby is DH's. thee father says he raised is boy well, he is a good little boy and that ius because the boy is clever enough to only misbehave when his dad is not around and he knows how to twist things i say to make them seem bad. I started working two weeks back so my baby remains with a nanny. I have to instruct her to never leave the baby alone with SS. I did not know the boy was this way, i only got to see it when i started living with them this year january.
@justmaking the best
i did want to live with him while pregnant, i was living with my mother's sister and DH was renting a flat near by so i would go there every night to cook for them and sleep over. I did not get to see much of SS because he was at school until 4pm and on school holidays he would go to his grandma's place but i did see he was spoilt and lacking discipline of which when i talked to DH about it he would get offended
SO, since it appears that you
SO, since it appears that you and your DH procreated without discussing things like parenting styles, how are you going to fix it? Have you discussed how you want your child jointly to be raised. Can you take those boundaries and guidelines and apply them to your SS? Besides being "spoiled", what are your real complaints with your SS? I mean clothes on the floor and not making his bed really aren't unusual for kids at any age... hell... not unusual for my husband!
@justmaking the best
my complaints are he is spoilt rude and disrespectful as well as shelfish. He is manipulative and deceitful and twist conversations to his advantage. He tells his mother everything that happens in my home, whether we bought a new bed, my young sister moved in, i got a job, i had a quarrell with DH, so there is no more privacy, BM stays upto date about whats going on in our lives. I hate the woman and i dont wish for her to know anything at all but she knows everything thru SS and she rubs it on my face!! Im not okay with living with such a child let alone doing things for him!! He annoys me and I really wish he wasnt born because his existance is a big inconvenience in my life!
If your husband won't go for
If your husband won't go for counselling, go yourself. I think some of your feelings are justified, but some of your expectations of this 10 year old aren't realistic. You've been on the scene 6 months; he has been raised in a way you view as improper for 9 years - he's not going to change overnight, especially if his father doesn't see the need for change.
You need to stop focusing on what's fair. Bottom line, your DH, not the BM, is the custodial parent, so the lion's share of raising him is on your DH. Presumably that's how he wants it. Take up the work you have to do with your DH and stop focusing on what the BM doesn't do for the child.
@ ndc
going for counselling on my own wont help, he needs to be there so we can both be corrected where we are wrong, what good will it make if he still makes excuses for his son's behaviour instead of correcting him, how will his son change if his bio parent doesnt discipline him. DH does not even seem to understand the challenges im facing as a second wife and step mom, everything is just plain simple and easy in his eyes. I will however go for counselling myself for my own sanity but for the sake of our marriage going alone wont help.
Perhaps counseling will help
Perhaps counseling will help you accept and deal with the things others do that you cannot change? Just because they don't go doesn't mean there isn't value. and... there is the possibility that you have some higher expectations of the boy than are reasonable too...you move in and start turning things upside down witha new baby.. new rules.. new "mommy"... the kid is understandably going to have trouble dealing with that. Try to have a bit of empathy.
First agree on discipline
Rules of the house need to be established. Be clear on what kind of consequences there need to be. Both adults enforce for both children.( you can establish rules all you want but if you cannot enforce then misbehavior in your presence will continue).
On another note: It sounds to me like you are being kindof harsh on the 10yo in response to DH putting all his responsability on you. Comsider the fact that you referred to a 10yo as a grown boy and many behaviors you described are NORMAL for boys his age. Consider teaching this kid how to put clothes in a hamper etc. At the very least if you show him these things he cannot say that he does not know how.
Hey. Your feelings are normal
Hey. Your feelings are normal. Being a stepmom is really hard and this is the place to vent sweety. You seem to have a big heart. You're doing so much for your DH and his son. Being a stepmom is a thankless job. You feel very unappreciated and used most of the time. I know you're not looking for advice, you're just looking to vent. You know your life best, no one should judge it nor judge you. Take care and hang in there sweety. You have allies out there. Many of us are going through the same thing. Don't let harsh comments get to you sweety. Take care.
Nothing wrong the way you feel
SS is not your child, Your SO should be careing for his child. Not sticking you with him all day long. Do you really think BM cares about you ?? Your just some place she can dump BS to. Counseling will help you, has to be better then these boards. And you get away from SS for a few hours. Your DH is the problem, he want to recreate his “Happy Family “. The one he did not get with BM, or they will still be together. So it’s like drop BM insert you. And Happy Family goes on. Personally it’s always in mazes ME how two people have a child. It is Best for that child for them to stay together. That can’t do that. Then they fight and blame everyone except themselves for there problems. You have to put your foot down counseling will help there, set rules. Wright them down so there no questions about them. Then it’s either rules are followed or there something called disengaging. What means, NO taking care of child, No taking child anyplace by your self, laundry is done on a certain day at a certain time if child’s laundry is not in the basket it doesn’t get done by you. No taking care of child on BM time she should get a sitter. You cook what you want if SS does not eat it. Always peanut butter. NO doing anything with SS. Weekends you do something with bio and not SS. Even with a 10year age differents doing thing is going to be a major problem. Just remember IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, kid has a BM and BF and you are not one of them
Welcome to Steptalk
I noticed you are new and very very sad and frustrated and still hopeful. Welcome, Im glad you are here, this is a fabuous place to vent, plus read. Reading other folks experiences really helped me feel less alone, because you sound very much alone. No one really understands, and it is a very complicated dynamic. You are expected to have the responsibility without the authority, and if SS is twisting and lying and his words are believed above yours, that is a huge problem with respect to your DH. You are his wife, his partner, and should be placed as number 1, and this provides a stable healthy basis for SS to revolve around. SS probably doesnt know what healthy even LOOKS like.
Yes, hes 10, and going through all these upheavels in his life. Children are RESILIENT. But, if he has been spoiled and the only child for 10 years, he will act out against these changes. Hes not a phsycho YET, that you know of - simply acting out, so my advice to you is to get a Nanny Cam, or other type of recording device. Record the little Sh!t doing his thing. Make certain nanny cam or recording device is where you have your baby. Then, there will be proof, and spouse cannot continue to stick his head in the sand and continue to deny the truths you are telling him. I think that many bio parents (I myself am childess with 2 steps) feel that their children are extensions of themselves, especialy in cultures that place males above females. The father sees the son as an extenson of himself, and therefore any criticism of the child is a criticism of HIM.
And of course HE is perfection!
So. Time to do your reading, your research, your soul searching and counseling to really discover if this is what you want your life to be...for the rest of your life. Get those recording devices to cover yourself. If he is twisting the truth now, and successfully, it WILL get worse as this child ages. If he is not being parented NOW, it WILL get worse as he ages. If he is abusing the baby NOW, it will continue. Why, you might ask? Because he can. Im not saying he is an eveil demon child, but he has not experienced repercussions for his bad behavior. My 3 1/2 year old nephew is a monster, and likes to slap grandma. Why does he do this? Because he CAN. No one is stopping him.
As to the disengagement advice, research that, there are various levels, and see how that works. With Feral Eldest, I disengaged, and felt a huge weight lifted. With Munchkin SD12, I am daily considering it.
Good luck!
Yes i do feel so alone and DH
Yes i do feel so alone and DH doesnt understand at all and i cannot talk to him about any of my step parenting challenges, your DH is supoosed to be the one to offload your worries and problems to but in this case you cant because yu will be accused of being an evil witch so you just die alone a thousand deaths, no one can really understand except those walking in the same shoes, thats why i searched for this site. The problem is DH always makes excuses for SS behaviour even if there is proof of his lies, deceit and manipulation. He either blames me for it or anything else or just says he is a child! He always gets away with whatever wrong he does.
The dad never corrects him, i have to be the one always telling him dont do this and that, he makes a mess and expects me to clean up after him, Im not his maid and I already have a lot of tasks waiting for me yet he has absolutely nothing to do. He is a selfish kid, he doesnt want anyone else besides himself to get his dad's love and attention. He wants to be the royal prince and get all the affection and attention. What i cant stand is he never shuts up, he talks too much whatever happens he goes to tell his mother. BM and i hate each other to the core and i hate her knowing everything that happens in my home thru SS, i have no privacy and im now uncomfortable in my own home!!!
This kid is disrespectful and says things like "You dont think, you dont have brains, you are talking crap" to me, i know he doesnt give a shit about me and he talks shit about me when he visits his mother on weekends but his dad believes his boy is a sweet thing and can never do that. I know he hates my DS because he is stealing his dad's attention away from him, he never touches my baby when his dad is not around, the baby can cry while he is sittin right next to him and he wouldnt do anything to comfort him, but when his dad is around he is all kisses and smiles to my baby just to make his dad believe he is a loving big brother. He is so manipulative and deceitful and loves twisting statements to his advantage. He quickly tells his dad or mom or grand ma (MIL) my mistakes and leaves out his. Sadly there is no way i can get DH to see his son for who he really is and complainin about SS to him will only make me out to be an evil step mother who hates the child. Im supposed to not be made when the kid wrongs me because he is a child, does that make me a robot without feelings?
Im very happy when im away from home, at work, and when SS is gone to his mom's. Having to see his face and hear his voice annoys me so much, I wish i could just take my son and leave. I really REGRET being involved with a man with children its a life of endless challenges and financial strains, if i could go back in time i wouldnt make the choices i made. I envy biological families where its just husband, wife and their children and no step kids and baby mama's. MIL does not even care much about my child, her favorite will always be DH's first child my SS! But i find comfort in that my son has a grandma who adores him and does so much for him, (my mom). MIL didnt even buy my son a pair of socks when he was born!! She has never done anything for him. The painful part is this SS is rude and talks about me to his mother then im expected to be responsible for him, wash and iron for him, cook for him etc Hell no! what's in it for me? Its sowing on ground that will harvest thorns instead of fruits.
Im worried since his dad makes excuses for him, he will grow up to be worse and my life will be hell. I dont even think he is DH's son, I will push for a DNA test because BM is a fucking whore, the reason they separated with DH is she was sleeping with DH's best friend and her sister's husband and a lot of DH's work mates! She would sleep around and tell her friends about it, one of the friend was the wife of DH's best friend. She found messages on her DH's phone from BM that proved she was sleeping with her hubby who is also my DH's former besty to get back at her she exposed all her scandals
DH told me that BM found out she was pregnant 2 months after they separated and it is revealed she was dating other guys at the same time with DH so the child may not be His. The child does not even have any feature of DH he looks 90% like his mom imagine having to stare at him and see his mother whom i hate. DH knows what BM put me thru, she would lie about having visited DH and had sex with him before i moved in with him, I was pregnant at that time i was so stressed i feared for my baby's life. She hurt me in a lot of ways, she is psychotic.
Now i have to raise the son of a woman i despise? How is that fair to me and it doesnt help that the son has his mom's fucked up character. Surely the apple doesnt fall far from its tree. DH should force BM to take her child, she has to take responsibility for him whether she likes it or not, it shouldnt be forced on me! i was not there when they decided to fuck each other without using a condom so why must i be the one to reap the consequences? To make matters worse, BM does not want to even help out financially, she doesnt even contribute a dollar towards her child's welfare.
I have been telling DH he cannot let her get away with not taking any form of responsibility at all, if she lived with SS she would go to court to demand Child Support from DH, i have been telling hubby to take her to court but he seems uninterested. I really hope to convince DH to get a DNA test and though i know it would be too good to be true to have the test say SS is not his and get him and BM out of our lives for good, Im just going to stay hopeful.
If not for my DS i would have left because im unhappy daily, being a step mom has sucked out my joy and peace. I die every day i dont know if its possible to find a way to be happy in this situation or i should accept being unhappy for the rest of my life? My DS is the only one lifitng my spirits up, DH i love him but im starting to resent him for putting me thru this, forcing this on me, expecting so much of me, failing to understand me or to correct his child instead he is making me out to be a bad person because im failing to show love to his disrespectful manipulative hateful child i did not choose to have in my life.
Our marriage is now a cold and an unhappy one because we are always arguing over SS and i get so angry and hurt i shut him out for days and not even want to sleep with him. Im worried we will end up finding hapiness else where and cheating on each other! Studies show second marriages have 67% divorce rate and im betting step kids and baby mama are the reason. To those not yet married NEVER MARRY A MAN WITH A CHILD! That would be asking for a difficult marriage from word go.
Wow!
Youve got so much emotion going on there. And there is ALWAYS more to the story, as I have found. Paternity questions aside, I do understand how it really does suck the life out of you after while. When Feral Eldest was living with us, she was nicknamed "the Destroyer of All Joy", but luckily for me SD12 is more like her father in personality, thus far. Her mother is also a phsycho and she looks identical to her mother (everweight, features, etc) but I try to just see her as her.
Im sorry you are going through all of this! You should have a joy-filled life, life it too short to be in the wrong marriage!
I can relate on SO many levels!
I have skimmed though this, admittedly, (I am at work), but I can relate with you SO MUCH. Including the questionable paternity... which DOES make a big difference! Not only is it a skid... but probs not even your husbands! I GET IT!
It got bad enough for me that I left with my babyBS5mo just a little over a year ago. My formerSS was 10 when I met him and 13/almost14 when I left. My former 'SO' now will not see our son because I refuse to live with him an his 'son'. His loss!
Feel free to PM if you want to vent with someone that 100% gets it!