Two versions of reality
Growing up I had what I thought was a normal childhood. I have an older halfsister, though I've never called her that. She's always just been my sister, Sara. When I was 3 I remember asking my dad who the man that picked her up was. My dad explained that he is Sara's father, Matt. My brain couldn't comprehend this fact. My dad explained that he was Sara's SD. With my 3 year old logic, that must make Matt my SD, right? My whole life I grew up seeing such a great coparenting relationship between my parents and her father and SM. There were weekends I would spend with her father's side of the family. Her family was my family, regardless of blood.
Now, I have a BS. I am not with his father. But my experience growing up is that coparenting effectively is entirely possible. We have no bad feelings and are both remarried. His wife is amazing and thier children are so wonderful. In my marriage I gained a SD. My ex involves her in small trips to Chuck e cheese and, during pick ups, thier little ones always ask to visit with her. My son's SM even sat down to read her a story before heading out. I absolutely LOVE that we this relationship. I see the positive affects it has on my son. I would never want it any other way.
Though I got my dose of reality when my SD became a part of my life. It is nearly impossible to deal BM. I spent 2 years trying to put my best foot forward and win her over with kindness. I figured it's only a matter of time. Well, the joke is on me. The struggles of being a step parent are unique and it's difficult to find people who understand. So here I am, finding those who get it and figuring it out step by step.
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Comments
I love reading stories like
I love reading stories like yours (except for the SD and her BM part). It's nice to know that there *are* parents who can co-parent with an ex and the ex's spouse, and the kids surely benefit. Some days it seems like they don't exist.
So far I've been lucky. My SO and his ex-wife are friendly and cooperative and they co-parent well. I think it's because both of them came from homes where there were stepparents and step-/half-siblings, and in both cases the parents cooperated. Some days I think SO's ex carries it a little too far (for instance, she would like for them to spend every holiday together), but he's put some boundaries in place at my request and the world has gone on. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe it won't . . . maybe the unicorn exists.
It was hard for my husband to
It was hard for my husband to understand my relationship with my son's father for a long time. Probably took at least 3 years or so. It really helps when everyone is on the same page. And boundaries are important because you are a big factor in the picture and you also need to be comfortable with how things go.
Welcome
You are definitely in the right place! It seems that the healthier the mother, the healthier the relationship the step parent has with the children can POSSIBLY be. In my case, I have a Toxic High Conflict Golden Uterus BM. She is very psycho. Her eldest is much like her, and we never got along well. She was too old when I came into the picture. The youngest is a sweety!
Brief bio: exactly 4 years ago today, I began my relationship with SO. We are not yet married but have plans to be very soon. We were friends for 1 1/2 years prior. He was not yet divorced, but has since completed that essential step. We have 50/50 custody program, as we live close to Psycho b!tch, and eldest uckily has aged out of this system last year. Munchkin SD12 has 6 more years of flip/flop to go, and as she approaches her teens I watch in fear that her mothers influence will come out to play. I have no bio children of my own, sad to say, so I release that energy on Munchkin, and she seems to really enjoy and appreciate it. The mother, not as much.
Glad you had such a positive model to build this new experience on. yes, each situation is unique, however, the more you read the posts on the this board, the more you realize the commonalities.
Look forward to your continued posting!
CLove~ no truer words have
CLove~ no truer words have ever been said "It seems that the healthier the mother, the healthier the relationship the step parent has with the children".
Please allow this to sink into your mind and know that you are doing the very best that you can with what you were taught and given. I was always told that not everyone has your heart and as long as you know you are doing your best, that's all that matters. Its difficult when a step child's other parent is not in a healthy state of mind in trying to make this process go as smooth as possible and they have no idea how much is hurts them. I'm glad you were raised in a loving environment where everyone was coparenting and doing the best they could under the circumstances.....if only everyone was that way.
I enjoy these shares as well.
I enjoy these shares as well. It is good to read the positive outcomes when so many times its the opposite. I have always wanted a positive relationship with BM as I know that is what would make everyone's life easier, but you really can't make someone be nice or accept you. BM is playing nice with her other child's stepmom because that child isn't her love child or golden boy like SS is and she doesn't feel threatened insecure for that kid because there's no court order. She pulls all the string and they pay for whatever she asks for so they can still see the kid. On my advice I told the other stepmom to go along with BM and play nice because if not BM will be hell to deal with like she is for us. Now she is BM's speeddial for a babysitter even though the dad lives out of time most of the month. I am glad it worked out for her and she gets her SS whenever she wants him and I would love for that but it won't ever be that way until BM gets over her bitterness for DH.
It really stinks when there's
It really stinks when there's unresolved negativity. It hinders any ability to a United front. And children really benefit from that.
It really all has to do with
It really all has to do with the mental stability of the BM. My ex and I coparent great and I really like his fiancee. My DS17 lives with his dad full time and his SM is really good to him. I even spent 2 weeks at their house visiting DS and it was nice.
My DH's first ex-wife, BM1, is great. They had two kids together, SS35 and SD33. Get along with all of them, even talk to BM1 the most during most family parties. Then there is the second ex-wife, BM2. Bipolar, narcissist, golden uterus, the works. SS15 lives with us full-time and BM2 couldn't hate me more if she tried.
Well, hate is really the green eyed monster but she makes it impossible to get along. It really does depend on the BM's mental health in order to have healthy, civil relationships. Feel free to read my blogs for entertainment
It took for me to experience
It took for me to experience the difficulties of coparenting with a selfish person to really appreciate what I grew up with and what I have with me ex. I used to have the mentality to try harder and things will change. And for the most part I do. I'm currently in the process of letting go and accepting that it will always be this way. The only thing I can do is be the best step mom that SD6 needs. Hopefully our relationship will be strong enough to persevere through any toxicity it may endure.