Learning to let go
A list of things that make stepparenting difficult would go on and on. I've struggled with several issues myself. However, the one thing that seems to be most difficult for me is letting go. I'm not talking about disengaging- I'm simply talking about letting go of the extra stresses that come with the deal of taking on a child that isn't your own.
In order to truly understand my circumstances, I suppose I'd have to give you a glimpse into my personal life. Four years ago I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety (though the first time I remember having a complete breakdown I was 12.) It was only a month or so later that my relationship with my now husband began. He had a daughter who at the time was 2, my bio son was also 2 and only 3 weeks younger than SD was. It seemed a great fit. Like a smaller version of a modern day Brady bunch.
Over the course of these last 4 years, I've seen what this poor girl has to go through and it breaks my heart. The first two years I was in her life, her mother saw her sporadically, approximately one weekend every 3 months. So, I convinced my husband to file for custody as she had threatened on several occasions that "when she was ready to be a mom again" that we "better get used to not seeing SD".
Well, long story short we got primary physical custody with BM getting every other weekend and 6 weeks in the summer. In negotiations, she offered to pay 100 a month in child support. We agreed without any issues. According to the agreement she will pay half of medical and dental insurance, half of out of pocket cost for medical, dental, school and extra curricular activities(that she agrees to in advance).
It has been over a year and she hasn't paid anything. We weren't going to take her to court until she blatantly refused to pay half of the medical expenses we've incurred from therapy sessions SD needs. It wouldn't be a big deal if it were just a one time thing. However, SD goes once a week and has been for almost 9 months now. Needless to say we are back in court. On top of that, it is now summer and SD has spent almost all of her 6 weeks at her BM house. And during this time SD has missed all 6 appointments. When SD comes back her behavior is going to be horrible having missed the therapy sessions. And we have yet another court hearing coming up- because that's how it always goes.
This is much more stress than I'm used to dealing with. It leaves me bewildered and scrambling for answers. The last few weeks I seem to have let go a little and learned how to breathe a little. However, I'm worried that when SD returns that the behavior issues will return along with my stress. I truly hope it's not the case. I plan on trying to take more time for myself and keep focusing on my son, as I feel that has helped. But I guess we'll see. Here's to hoping for the best.
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When the child comes back it will be awful. Prepare yourself as it's bad enough after the weekends let alone 6 weeks. Leave the card of this child to your DH. You have your own child and he should be your priority.
You do not mention much about your DH and his manner of raising her, are you taking over or left to care for his child? If so then this will bring you into direct conflict with everyone, child, BM and your husband.
How old is the child now? The BM should be taken to court for the outstanding CS and to address the fact that she doesnt support the child's therapy needs. If your DH does not make her pay then she will take an attitude that she doesn't have to and that she can walk all over you. No father would be allowed to get away with not paying, why is it different for BM's?
I'm interested to hear.more about your DH's stance on this.
He is wonderful and
He is wonderful and supportive. He handles discipline when he is here and always has my back if I had to discipline while he isn't home. We had discussed finding other daycare options for my days off but it simply isn't reasonable cost wise for us. I only have her 2 days a week for a couple weeks in the summer. But this is the first summer she's gone to her mom's for more than one week. We are definitely taking her back to court for support and modifying the summer time. But the time modification will be hard since we tried to fight it before and the judge mandated the 6 weeks. We had offered every other week through the summer but it was denied.
I'd be inclined to have it re
I'd be inclined to have it re-evaluated too, if possible, to align it with the state calculator. 100 a month? And she "agreed" to pay it? Sounds like she should be paying a darn sight more than that (and knows it)... so go after it. Time she faced her responsibilities.
She offered 100 a month and
She offered 100 a month and we accepted. She just got a new job so we are considering getting it reevaluated. We tried to be nice and now it's coming back to bite us in the butt.
Im sure BM will be feeding SD
Im sure BM will be feeding SD crap about you and inflluencing her in a negative way. Why doesnt BM stay with her daughter and have her visit her dad on weekends instead?
Because BM only wanted
Because BM only wanted weekends. She refused to take weekday visits and it took us several months to convince her to answer her phone when her daughter called her during the week, since SD6 was requesting to call her mom.
I know what you mean. 99% of
I know what you mean. 99% of my problems were because of DH and his kids. Letting go has helped but SD still tries to cause problems.
First of all, if you aren't
First of all, if you aren't getting some therapy for your own issues... I think you should. Learning how to be more emotionally flexible and how to let things roll off your back are tools you need to survive steplife.
Second, it is almost a given that the girl will have some adjustment issues when she comes back from her mother. Not just because of the missed therapy sessions.. but just because it's common for kids to have some emotional stress at the change in homes. I think as much empathy as you can muster for the fact that the girl likely isn't being horrid ON PURPOSE... just as you can't help having some of your own issues might help give you some perspective and of course let your DH deal with her as much as possible.
Third, your DH needs to ensure he is getting a CO for the maximum that he is entitled to. None of this "we agreed to X" Get what he deserves because your household IS footing all the bills. I would pursue having BM's wages garnished as well so her payment to him isn't optional. While you are at it, I might change the 6 week long period to a few shorter time periods. 6 weeks is a long time for your DH to not have interractions with his child... and I think she would benefit from more frequent times with him to ensure her bad habits/behavior don't get re-established during a long break (where BM won't take her to therapy)... Maybe one week on, one week off through the summer?
It sounds like you are a caring person and that can be hard in steplife.. it's difficult when so much is beyond our control. Hopefully she doesn't have as many issue as you anticipate and try to busy yourself with your son to keep your mind off the issues surrounding her... let your DH carry that burden.
I am currently doing to
I am currently doing to therapy sessions myself as well. It is such a blessing and I'd be lost without it. Adjustment is always expected, but even her therapist is concerned about the missed visits. The therapist has tried contacting BM directly several times to no avail in addition to us trying to talk to her about it, to which she refuses to respond.
DH is very supportive and takes it all on when he's home. When he's not, I take care of it and he always backs me. It's really hard not to take it personally sometimes though. I know it's not all her and she's being influanced by others while at her BMs.
We are looking to change the summer time, though I'm not sure how it will go since the judge mandated the 6 weeks. However, were hoping to get it reduced to 2, two week periods. But I guess we'll see.