Pregnant daughter wants to move in with us; wife (step-mother) doesn't want her to.
My soon-to-be 18 year old pregnant daughter wants to move back in with me. I am her non-custodial parent and am paying the BM child support. My daughter and her BM had a recent falling out so she left to live with her BF and his dad in an old, dirty, rundown house. The living conditions at the BF's house are not good. My daughter and I have been estranged on and off for the past few years and she has never come to visit me on my court ordered visitation weekend. Now, she wants to live w/me. My wife, having watched everything Ive been through with parental alienation over the years, is understandably not happy w/the prospect of my daugher living with us. I know if she moves in, it will put a real strain on our marriage. I, however, want to help her and feel guilt/torn for not doing so. Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated!
If this was a few months ago,
If this was a few months ago, I would think you are the husband of a poster called Myss.Tique D'Off.
Haven't seen her in a while but the situation seems the same although hers was from the stepmom's perspective.
There are others here who went through or are going through the same thing.
Know how this will end?
In fights or divorce.
Your guilt won't make up for the estrangement or alienation in the past.
Your SD didn't visit you when she didn't need you.
Now you want her to move in?
Now you want to be Dad In Shining Armour at the expense of your wife's happiness and your marriage?
Your daughter fights with her mother, can not resolve differences, so she moves in with her boyfriend?
You want her to fight with your wife too?
This girl is almost an adult.
Almost eighteen and pregnant.
She made adult choices and now it is time to deal with adult consequences,
You can not save her from who and what she is.
She is just about an adult - she should get a job so she can support her own child, find a home of her own.
You, Dad71, are going go make a huge mistake if you let her move in.
Be careful
Dad71, what has the relationship been with your daughter as of late? Are you looking to help her raise her baby, or are you looking to help her with a plan to become independent and eventually move out on her own? Is your wife willing to have your daughter stay with you as long as there is a plan for this living arrangement to not be permanent? What expectations does your daughter have?
I ask all this because there is a big difference between long term support for your daughter, in which you provide a home and essentially act as a surrogate partner to her and parent to her child, versus giving her time and resources to establish herself as an independent young mother.
I can certainly understand
I can certainly understand your concerns and those of your wife. Taking in your pregnant daughter who to this point has not had a healthy relationship with you and is only coming to you as a last resort is bound to be stressful for all parties.
She is still a minor and as such, you probably technically have some moral obligation to provide for her (though I understand you are already paying her mother support). Have you spoken with your EX to see if the issue there could be mediated so that the girl could go home?
Alternately, I suppose you could short term try to have her in your home with the understanding that she would need to move to a place of her own once she turns 18. If you can help her navigate that (not necessarily pay for it).. look for resources and help her get that arranged.. maybe?
In the end, it is tough to feel like this but I would be quite resentful that she only wants my help now that she has burnt her other bridges. Good enough for her now you are.
Suffice it to say if you do decide bringing her into the home is the only solution... you must take on a serious attitude that any and all issues with the girl will be dealt with by you and when your wife wants a boundary set, you should take her wishes into account.
Helping doesn't have to
Helping doesn't have to involve moving her into your house.
Your daughter is an adult. A young one. A young one who made a fairly large adult decision in getting pregnant and remaining pregnant. That type of decision-making comes with responsibility, and it is that responsibility that your daughter needs to bear the brunt of.
Does having a child emancipate your daughter? Does being 18 end your CS obligation? If you want to help her, I would start by ending CS since she is no longer living with BM and then talk to your wife about how you can help support your daughter foe the next 6 months to a year.
Maybe You help pay part of her rent or daycare (directly to whomever she rents/gets daycare from). Maybe your furnish the nursery and buy a crapload of diapers. Maybe you offer to babysit while she goes to school/works. Maybe you cover some of her other bills that you don't want her skimping on (e.g. car insurance, basic cell phone, prenatal care).
Moving your daughter in isn't the solution. Helping her get established as an adult AND mother is. She has to learn that adult decisions come with adult responsibility, and she won't learn that if you swoop in to save her everytime she does something consequential.
Yes, she is young and will more than likely need help. However, she turned on her mother. She turned on her BF who is the father of her child. As soon as you don't do what she expects or wants, she'll turn on you, too. If she can prove that she is trying and still really struggling, re-visit the idea of your daughter living with you with your wife. However, your wife not wanting someone who has hurt both you and her in her house is understandable and justified. Undermining her will end your marriage.
This is a tough spot, but one brought on solely by the actions of your daughter. Do not punish yourself or your wife out of guilt. Your daughter chose this path and now she must walk it.
This is good advice. I, too,
This is good advice. I, too, wanted to ask if it is possible to pay the child support amount to the daughter for some time, rather than to her mother. This may help her find a flat of her own, which is what she should be looking for. I would not allow her to move in. That sounds like it would end badly.
The sad truth is most likely
The sad truth is most likely that your daughter is using you because she needs a place to stay. I think you could very easily be making a choice between your wife and your daughter here; in situations like this many of us would advise the wife to leave if things don't go well. If you choose your daughter by allowing her to move in against your wife's wishes, you should just be aware that when she makes up with BM or something better comes along you could very well be left with nothing.
Did her mother kick her out or did she leave voluntarily? If the latter, I'd probably be trying to convince her to return to BM if BM is not likely to boot her when CS stops. I know nothing of your BM, but it's possible that there were very good reasons on BM's part for the "falling out" and you could be enabling bad behavior on your daughter's part. THen again, if BM has engaged in PAS, that might not be the case at all.
Finally, what is your financial situation? Could you afford to subsidize your daughter in her own place in the short term? If so, would that be more palatable for your wife?
I would not want her to move
I would not want her to move in, either. For one thing, neither of you have a relationship with her, which means there is no sense of trust or loyalty, and I would not have a person who is practically a stranger move into my home. I mean, she didn't even want to come for her weekend visitations but now wants to live with you.
Moving out of her mother's, because they had a falling out was not exactly a smart, adult thing to do. Your daughter is almost an adult (and I'm sure she feels that she is one, so is probably not going to be too keen on following any rules), which brings me to my second point, having another adult move in is not good for a relationship. It's one of the things my husband and I agreed on when we first started living together, no other adult lives with us.
I have been through this exact same scenario with my husband's daughter.
It's a tough situation, she's your daughter. I know you want to help but there are other ways that you can help her.
If you were to get your wife to agree to let her move in, you are going to have to set some boundaries, your daughter is going to have to set some goals, and have a move out date. And, your wife remains the lady of the house. You cannot let your daughter move in and start doting on her and babying her or treating her like a mistress (it happens). You and your wife have to be a united front.
Personally, I don't think it's a good idea and I think you know it, but you are feeling guilty. Which, I get.
You can't fix this by moving
You can't fix this by moving her into your house. All you will do is add your marriage to the heap of wreckage with your daughter's future.
If you want to help your daughter, convince her to skip parenthood at 17 so she can reclaim her future. Anything short of that is a Band-Aid on cancer.
Let DD reap what she has sown
Let DD reap what she has sown. She can figure it out on her own since she cut you out of her life. Advise and recommend but don't jeopardize your marriage over guilty daddy issues.
And why are you paying CS to your X on an adult child? Time to cut that crap off now. Get a lawyer. Then if you want to "help" your daughter, send the former CS money directly to her or... use it to get her in a decent apartment.