DW's parental fail vignette
Just a little vignette of what happens here nearly daily.
I woke at 3 a.m. and SS17 is in his room voice chatting online with a friend. (He was supposed to get a summer job but never put out effort to do so and of course, he has no reason to get up at any particular hour.)
I told this to DW when she got up this morning and she "talked to him."
Me: "So what did he say after you talked to him?"
DW: "Nothing, he didn't answer."
Me: "Well, there's your answer."
DW: "Yes, but he knows I'm mad."
This little story is just one of DW's many instances of not parenting her son. Her being satisfied with "Yes, but he knows I'm mad" is not a parent to child response, but makes "sense" as a wifemom to sonsband response, because in 50-50 relationships between two committed adults, the partners are supposed to talk to one another about what bothers them and DW is only following the pattern of her enmeshed relationship with her son. So, from a crazy dysfunctional view, this is "normal."
As a follow up, she says she is going to take away his computers so he can't do this again (she does weakly try to assert some parental authority sometimes). There will be a lot of drama tonight as she tries to get his toys away from him and he resists. She will eventually succeed, but not without at least an hour of it, going back and forth. I may step out for a walk.
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I don't even bother telling
I don't even bother telling my DW about anything I see unless it is a health or safety hazrard to the little ones, it's really no use, sometimes I do slip up but usually it's because I have had my fill of it and my frustration has to be vented at least some.
Yes, I vented, it's the human thing to do
I really would not care about him staying up late. However, his giving us the slip about looking for a job, then DW wanted to get him to be a volunteer in a local learning center to teach kids. I took him there, but then found out it's in the next town over and it now involves 5 hours a week of driving him (drop off and pick up, each a round trip), so now I'm chauffering a kid who wouldn't get a job to something unpaid, "fun" and not really work. This is what set me off when I noticed he was up late, chatting.
Otherwise, I would not have bothered, as in "not my kid, not my problem."
She doesn't need to wrench
She doesn't need to wrench away his toys. It's better just to render them useless. I'm sure SS isn't paying for the ISP or the data plan, so you two are in control. Shut off the internet and/or phone until he gets a job.
Of course, I understand she'd never do that. These parents never want to use the power they have -- in fact, they'd rather not have the power because it means they must do something when the skids misbehave, ergo her flaccid, "He knows I'm mad."
I don't know how you do it. This would drive me nuts. And too bad for the kid, too. She's not doing him any favors. I'm afraid you'll have a man-child living in your basement forever.
Manchild + basement scenerio
No, she's not going to read him the riot act and pull the plug on the devices. Been through that before. Won't happen. It is driving me nuts, so if you don't know how I do it, it's because I'm not doing it(!) I'm thinking of the next maybe 5 - 7 years at least with him here, and I don't want to wrap a mortgage and debt around this situation (we're in an apartment now, but are talking about buying a house).
Yeah, I learned a long time
Yeah, I learned a long time ago to NOT comment on any of SD14s electronics use; even if I knew she was awake at 2:00 am not my problem. DH had plenty of time to correct behavior and lots of options but he didn't choose to do so. And I didn't care. So long as it didn't effect me directly - I ignored.
Yes, it is too late, however...
Yes, it is too late to change his behavior and I don't attempt to, nor do I try to have a sit down with him. I actually don't care (in principle) if he's up late, but in practice, there's a lot connected to it, such as whatever continued future I'm going to have with him. As George Simon (author of Character Disturbance) said, "past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior." DW doesn't think so. Even though his behavior right now is just as it has been for 8 years, only that he's older and better at it. She cited the example of her brother, who was rude, etc., too as a kid and was doing drugs and ended up going to jail for a couple of months and "hit rock bottom" as she says. And yes, now he's all straightened up, family man, successful entrepreneur for the last 20 years. DW thinks that somehow, somewhere (won't be anything we do, it's just going to happen), he's going to have his watershed moment, and will "change."
Last time she talked about defining moments was that "he's going to meet a nice girl, then get serious about work and school." However, he has had a girlfriend for a half year now and is neither serious about work or about school. So, there ya go.
Oh, I predicted everything
Oh, I predicted everything that's happened recently with SD14 (blogs and forum postings outline it). Been telling DH since she was 10. Other friends and family told him too. His response "What? It's all MY fault?" My response, "No, you and BM - BOTH of you."
So now she doesn't come to our house any longer.
It's been wonderful. However, I told him if she gets pregnant I'm out. I want no part in babies having babies and will not have one in my house. I don't think she will, as she's averse to many, many things (think partially autistic I think in a lot of ways - but on the 'normal' seeming side - or just an entitled b!tch?) but who knows. I've been right about everything else...
if your SS was younger...
...I would assume you were married to my DH's ExW. One of my SSs is totally her sonsband.
When both SSs fail to launch because she has never required them to do anything, that will be on her, so she better not come crying to DH for any money.
Read your previous blogs about SS
Wow. Just wow. How can you endure this daily! I recall lazy entitled Winona SD19, when she was with us (we stuck her with the 50/50 the entire way) and how she refused to clean her room, refused to wash her dishes, would not join us for dinner, but would ransack the fridge late at night and hide dishes in her room, would not get a job at all in high school, barely brushed her teeth. Still at 19 doesnt drive (she ubers) but now at least she has a job and is supposedly going to community college. What a relief when she moved out.
The good thing is that she was at least respectful to SO. And myself, for the most part. I disengaged, which took so so so much pressure off. I would have a tough time keeping my mouth shut if I heard the feral brat disrespecting my partner like that and was still be required to support the lazy $$ spawn.
Good luck with that "going off to colledge" thing. Are you supposed to pay for that too? Wow, what a nice guy you are! Supporting your DW and her other husband. yikes, I truly feel for you, but great job on the disnegagement. It really does work wonders for your relationship and your life together. I know it totally helped us out, and then REALLY it helped when the feral eldest moved out. We never see her, or hear from her unless for fathers day, SO texts her, and she blows him off, or its her birthday and SO texts her and she is off with friends...
If it angers you that much,
If it angers you that much, it would me, change the password on the wifi. Shut the wifi down during the night. Simple solution to this. DW doesn't even need to be involved. He must have been talking loud enough to wake you up. Screw that. Simple fix if you choose to take a stand.