DH would leave his family for non-bio child
I have been with my spouse for 13 years. We have 2 children together and I have 1 from a previous relationship. He has an emotional attachment to a now 17 year old girl, who he has known since she was little. She calls him daddy and he calls her his daughter even thought she is not his child. He was friends with the young lady's mother and was around the girl a lot. The relationship has never sat well with me and I don't have a relationship with this girl. He calls himself a father to her and he claims to have raised her but the truth is, he hasn't. Which makes me wonder what his definition of raising a child is. She hasn't spent very much time with my family in the past 13 years only a few nights at our house during some school holidays within the last five years. Each time she doesn't even really speak to us, just stays in my son's room laying in the bed on her phone all day. Of course my spouse is fine with this behavior.
My spouse has never supported her financially, maybe a few things here and there but nothing major at all. Nothing about this relationship is parental, more like charity. More like an uncle/godfather relationship. In the past 5 years this young lady has been having sex and sneaking out of her mom's house, just acting as if she were grown. My spouse says all he can do is talk to her (which he doesn't really) and that its up to her mom because he doesn't have control. Well she got pregnant, hide it for 5 months along with an STD. My husband was told it was a pregnancy pact (a hand full of her friends also have babies/pregnant) she made with her friends. I'm thinking who was gonna take care of her baby, answer, my husband. Due to her mom getting kick off housing the young lady needed somewhere to stay. Of course my husband took on the stress of finding somewhere for her to live. Living with us was out of the question. Our place is to small, I have 3 kids and we all live on my one income. Well she goes to stay with his mother (whom she hasn't really spent any time with) until she had her baby. Since she's had her baby, she's living with her best friend and her mother who just so happens to live about 20 minutes away from us. She also has a case pending against her and her mom (they went to jail) for beating up her maternal grandmother. Making it my spouses responsibility to take her to court, ect.
I have sacrificed many things so that my family can have. I refuse to sacrifice more for someone that is not my child and don't have a relationship with. I don't want to sound hateful but sometimes thats how I feel im being. I don't want to hurt my spouse with my thoughts because he truly feels an attachment to her. But this young lady doesn't even know my husbands name. First or last. I know this because she asked me what her "daddys" name was about 2 years ago. Probably didn't even care enough to remember it. Our daughter could tell you his first, last and would even spell it for you at 3 years old. When I told him this he tried to defend it. The gut puncher for me was when he told me that if he had to, that he would get an apartment so that she can have a place to live. So he would find work just to support this young lady and her baby and leave his family to do so. That broke my heart. I have held our family down for 13 years, mostly by myself finically but he would leave us to support someone else just like that. We are young (32, 34) and in the process of rasing our own kids, that young lady has already been raised and he wasn't the one raising her. I feel like is cheating on us with this young lady.
Am I unreasonable in my thoughts? I know my husband will not abandon this young lady but I'm struggling to find some kind of conclusion. Sorry so long I just have no one I can talk to about this and I have held it in for too long. Thanks for listening.
And he isn't working because.
And he isn't working because...?
If he wants to be her mentor, that's one thing. I'd be terrified that this girl is looking for a sugar daddy and has decided on your DH. Why for, I don't know.
Rarely do I think ultimatums are a good idea, but it's time you laid one out. He is either 100% with YOUR family that you created together, or he cam start a life with her. Remind him, though, that you'll fight for custody and he'll likely pay CS with limited time to see his ACTUAL kids while raising someone else's. He clearly doesn't understand what he has to lose, or he doesn't care. However, no judge will look favorably on a man who DIDN'T work until a 17 year old POA shook her babymaker at him and he LEFT his own minor children FOR a minor child. No judge will see that as anything other than predatory EVEN IF that isn't what is happening.
Your DH is in some dangerous territory with a girl that has nothing to lose but potentially something to gain. I'd start separating myself from him until he decidea you're not worth losing or you decide he is.
Am I the only one who sees a
Am I the only one who sees a creepy red flag on this?
Please tell your husband that if he's capable of working to support this 17 year old infatuation he's got, it'd be great if he'd meet some basic expectations around y'all's home first. When I think of how a husband should behave:
Put his wife FIRST.
Together, the couple put their beliefs as their guide as they raise their kids together.
Be gainfully employed and contribute his BEST to the betterment of the family unit.
Don't allow the seven deadly sins to creep in and undermine any of it.
...then I read what you're experiencing... and WOW. There's a HUGE delta between those scenarios. Have you considered counseling? 'Cause I think he needs it.
You are right. I have thought
You are right. I have thought about this past week couseling this past week and will definately look into it.
They way you guys are looking at the situation is the same way I see it as well. Do you think it should be this hard for him to give up a relationship with his "daugther" as he calls her?
I don't think he has to
I don't think he has to totally give up the relationship, but the fact that he is so willing to do what it takes for her when he hasnt done crap in 13 years for his family is horrible.
IF this is purely a "she is
IF this is purely a "she is my daughter" relationship, he is SUPER naive. He either deep down knows he is being used but feels guilty that he has let it happen, or he sees this girl as having zero options and the world being against her, and only he can save her.
My DH calls this "Captain Save-a-H0" Syndrome. The stupid lengths that some men will go to in order to be a savior to someone is astounding. What they tend to forget is that, to be a savior, you must also be a martyr.
My BIL has had multiple bad cases of this, one time landing him in prison for many, many years because...drum roll please...
He was accused of molesting the minor he was helping. Convicted of it, too. The evidence isn't strong that he did anything, but the accusation and resulting trial with a public defender landed him with a conviction.
Sometimes the mentality of "must save the less fortunate" clouds reasonable judgment. If he is truly pure in his motivation, he likely sees his "daughter" drowning without him. What he doesn't see is that she'll drown him if it means saving herself.
I have literally being
I have literally being calling him "Capitan save" in my head. He has a big heart. Thats part of the reason why I love him. But I see this situation with her as something that will hurt him, but I cant tell him that because he thinks I have an hidden agenda.
You DO have an agenda, which
You DO have an agenda, which is to have marital stability...
...and THAT agenda is in direct conflict with HIS agenda, which is to White Knight this little girl... and she'll be "Ohhhh, my HEEEE-ro!!!" for a week, he'll feel great, then she'll manipulate him away from you and the kids. Which may be fine if you don't want him around anymore. That's what you'll have to ask yourself.
I think he has somewhat of an
I think he has somewhat of an infatuation. She makes him feel young and alive, I suppose... It's not healthy for your relationship.
The term is "white knight." She's all demure and plays coy little girl, and he likes that. She knows it and uses it to exploit him. IT'S A TRAP. Then she gets into trouble and *HERE HE COMES TO SAVE THE DAY!* The white knight, all noble and virtuous, will slay the dragons and save the little princess... only it's all a little fantasy they're both playing. And guess who will suffer? YOU. You need to shake him awake and back to reality before he completely leaves the reservation...
This has a HUGE ICK factor.
This has a HUGE ICK factor. They are both loser/users. Protect yourself financially. He may go after you for alimony so he can support his "honey".
Echoing what everyone else is
Echoing what everyone else is asking... Why is he not working, #1. #2 why will he work for her but not your family?
I would be having some major doubts about the relationship at this point if I was you.
He needs to get his lazy butt working; yesterday
Are you sure it isn't HIS kid
Are you sure it isn't HIS kid she's pregnant with???
Kick this guy to curb, he doens't know how to be a father.
I agree with everyone on here
I agree with everyone on here!
My first step would be a lawyer consult and making sure my finances were protected. Then I would tell him to go be with her. Like the others stated- leaving his wife for a 17 yr old that his not his and not even an ex-step kid is BEYOND creepy. I don't even think he would be likely to get unsupervised visitation with your joint child. Let him go. (Also- I would be questioning if the baby was his as well)
The fact he is not willing to work and be on disablity while with you but would support her... please tell me you have this via text!! If not now, try and get him to have it in writing somewhere!
I am a man and even I find
I am a man and even I find that this situation does not pass the smell test. How can a man who earns no income support a Kitten while claiming that his wife has an agenda on the topic?
I think I would be giving this dead beat a serious Come to Jesus meeting on this and inform him that he mans up with his family, delivers on his marital responsibilities and gets this Lolita infatuation he has fixed now or he is out and you will be nailing his ass to the wall for anything he ever earns. You have supported him through disability, are supporting him while he goes to school (that gives you a right to a notable portion of his lifetime earnings related to his education) and if you have children with this him you could have him by the short and curlies for a pile of $ for an extended number of years.
As a man who also married a notably younger woman, I am 11.5 years the elder in our nearly 24 year marriage, I don't find what your DH is doing with his infatuation with a 17yo while being a leech on his marriag and family to be honorable or demonstrative of any character at all. In the interest of full disclosure I met my wife 3 years after my divorce from my adulterous XW. We married 9mos later, 5mos after I turned 30 and 3 weeks before she turned 19. I am 54 and she is approaching 43.
For your sake and the sake of you family I truly hope I am wrong.
Good luck.
Take care of you.