OT - is normal? Would you be ok with this?
Good afternoon, STalk. Long time no post.
As a quick primer, I was married for 16 years, then got divorced. I spent a good 2 years looking around and attempting to date. Although I went out with a few women, none made me any happier than my EX. I realized that I defintely wouldn't "find someone better," as my family and friends advised. I also realized that I missed my former DW, and the good times that we did have, in spite of the conflict. Ex-W (or SO as I call her) and I decided to attempt a reconciliation, and we have been working on this for a while now.
Obviously, there have been some adjustments to the dynamic of our relationship. One of these dealt with my SO's deepening interest in LGBTQ issues. I am straight and more or less agnostic with respect to these issues. Live and let live, I don't really care what other people do with their lives. However, SO is really into this stuff, and attends LGBTQ rallies and workshops. She has also started attending monthly LGBTQ "pub crawls," where she goes out drinking with her friends from these groups. She always tells me about the events, an sometimes has me drop her off and serve as her DD.
During the time we were married, SO was extremely controlling, and actively worked to undermine my relationships with my friends and families. I was not allowed to ever go out unless she was also invited. Now that we are divorced, she has relaxed this rule a good bit, but will still get pissy sometimes if I don't answer the phone while I'm out with co-workers, friends, etc. When she goes out on these pub crawls, she has made it clear that I am not invited, and she will not answer her phone. When I'm the DD, I have to drop her off away from the meeting point, so that her friends don't see me.
What does the group think of this? I know that sometimes partners need time apart to do their own thing, but this just seems a little weird to me. Also, when we were broken up, SO said she thought she was bi-sexual, and was starting to investigate relationships with women. To my knowledge, she never dated any women, and of course she swears up and down that she is not hooking up at these pub crawls. I am just uneasy about this, and would like the input of the group.
I think she's hiding
I think she's hiding something and is being a hypocrite. All the things that she didn't like or want you to do when you both were married she is now doing. Another red flag is that she's not inviting you to any of the events/functions and the fact that she doesn't want her friends to see you is alarming. You divorced her for a reason, stay gone and don't go back because she's "familiar" and you feel you can't find anyone else or better.
She's toxic and please know that there is someone out there that will love you for you and not hide you. You're making excuses for yourself and should know that your worth is so much more than settling for her bullsh!t.
I suspect she's experimenting
I suspect she's experimenting, or questioning. Nothing wrong with that except that she's being dishonest with you. You are a very convenient designated driver and comfortable companion. Why are you allowing her to keep you hidden from her LGBTQ friends? Why can't you drop her off at the place directly, or even attend these events with her? Because she's keeping you hidden.At least that's my guess.
Yep, agree with Merry^^^
There really is no other explanation. She's curious, experimenting...to what extent doesn't really matter, since being shady is not part of a healthy relationship. I would not be ok with my SO doing this, and she would not be ok with you doing the same behavior. Time to put her in the hot seat and call her out about this.
My partner attends social
My partner attends social groups without me to socialise and make new friends. I have no problem with this.
BUT they know she's in a relationship and I wouldn't be asked to drop her off away from where she's going. That's a red flag right their.
There's a difference between
There's a difference between attending seperately and making your SO feel unwelcome and hidden. If she's purposefully keeping you away from them then there's something going on.
Dh and I attend things seperately. I don't hide him though, and there's always an open invitation if he should choose, same goes for me. If I started feeling hidden I wouldn't like that at all.
I guess I should clarify that
I guess I should clarify that we did attend one rally together, but it was in the state captol, and I don't think we saw any "locals" there.
I know if I confront her about dropping her off around the block, she'll just give some BS reason about "not wanting to block traffic," or some bullshit. She always has an answer.
It is just a frustrating situation. There are good times with SO, but I would leave if I could find someone worth a damn. Everyone I find is not any better than SO, and many are worse (drug addicts, major financial issues, adult kids living at home, morbidly obeese to the point of major health issues). I know there are major problems with SO, but I really don't want leave, since I'll either be with someone very similar to her, or I'll be alone. Neither of those choices appeal to me.
On the nights that we don't spend together, I think I am going to start going out by myself. There are plenty of bars/clubs within walking distance.
I think....
You should learn to be "ok" with yourself before finding someone to be in a relationship. Don't force being in a relationship at all times - you have to take time to find the right person, not just any person.
You are never going to find
You are never going to find the perfect person, because no is perfect.
It would be better to look for someone who shares your values. Someone who wants the same things out of life that you do.
There's nothing wrong with being single for a bit. Rushing into relationships can cause us to overlook/ignore warning signs.
You divorced your ex for a reason. Now as a SO, she's giving you a ton of new reasons to run away from this craziness.
I think she’s experimenting
I think she’s experimenting and keeping you on the back burner in case nothing comes of the experimentation.