BM Planning on our time
My partner of one year has two boys SS12 and SS9 - and I have one BS 11. Unlike many here, things with the kids are going really well - so much so that we're about to move in together. SS9 has some loyalty issues, but hey ho. But my SO doesn't allow them to treat me badly and we back each other up and when I do stuff for his kids he is thankful and appreciative and he does so much for my BS that it's really a good trade out.
The one big issue is his ex. She has been hostile for years (there was a gf between the time their marriage ended and we met each other) - and she seemed to calm down a little when my SO was dumped by the gf. So much so that she didn't speak to him at school events, and operated all kinds of stupid control issues - petty, weird things I won't go into, but ridiculous. He would go along with these things.
He is only EOWE with the kids and he has to drive a couple of hours each way if traffic is good. She would schedule them into sports activities on the Sunday so he would have to leave really early and then - especially in the winter months - return one or both of them early because there really wasn't any place for them to go. As it happens, my son plays the same sport and we have a wonderful community club that we have been a part of for years and we have decided that we will 50/50 the kids across two clubs. This is partly so we have more family time at the weekend and partly because I want SS's to make friends where we live and partly because we're going down to one car soon and it makes it a lot easier for me to get my son to the club. 
BM doens't know about this yet.
But she's also recently been setting up 'special events' like OSS's birthday party (that didn't actually happen) or cricket practice or she entered YSS into an event on my SO's weekend - this has meant that occasionally they're not down here for a month and occasionally my partner has disrupted weekends with lots of driving and not good quality time. He already has very little time - and he's such a nice guy and so accomodating, but he's about had enough - and frankly it's really disrupting my weekend plans, too. The court order says she cannot make plans on his time, but of course the reality is that he wants to accomodate his kids if they have an activity they really want to do and his previous gf was not so much into kids, didn't have any herself and didn't really like them around - so from what I can gather she probably encouraged him spending time up there or the half-weekends.
I'd say he's lacking 'backbone' but that's not so much it. She is emotionally abusive (to him and to kids) and rageful - same as my ex - and we are both low-confrontation people. I know that I am still 'walking on eggshells' regarding my ex, still healing and I see so much of this behaviour in my SO, too.
I know you guys don't know any of the parties involved so I don't suppose there's much call for advice - unless it's how to effectively deal with high conflict people when you're a low conflict person yourself.
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Your SO had to start saying
Your SO had to start saying NO.
If it's his weekend, he shows up to pick up his kids. If the CO says the kids should be there, then they should be there. If they aren't, he files a contempt charge against her.
If she refuses to hand the kids over, he gets the local authorities involved (if they'll help) and show them the CO. Then file contempt.
Telling the kids "no, we have other plans this weekend" is well within your SO's right as both an equal parent to his ex and the father to his children.
Plus, telling them NO is healthy. The child worship we have in developed countries is appalling. No kid NEEDS so many activities that their parents can't enjoy a weekend, or plan another event, or even go grocery shopping. Yes, childhood should be fun and kids should get to be innocent, but it shouldn't come at the expense of the family OR the relationship.
Not saying NO to these things will make it much harder to say NO to big things, like first cars, college tuition, expensive weddings, down payments on a house, etc. When kids get everything they want, they EXPECT everything they want. Being a "nice, easygoing parent" breeds entitled children. Don't be nice and easygoing. Have a backbone. It's necessary.
Maybe a "polite" conversation
Maybe a "polite" conversation can be started between SO and BM that sets the expectation of "if I don't approve it then it's not happening."
There are so many variables here, but maybe just set the expectation so when SO has to be the bad guy, he can do so without feeling guilty or like he never "warned" anyone.
A polite conversation...
That is preferably done via email or text. Document, document, document! This includes each instance of lost custody time.
Has your DH asked for make up time or to switch weekends if an event interferes with his parenting time?
There are some new (or old)
There are some new (or old) realities that the adults in this situation need to accept.
Hardest is what applies to BM, but that is not your (new family's) problem to deal with.
1) BM and SO are divorced.
SO does not have to take into consideration her tantrums or emotional threats used as weapons of control over him.
You identified this pattern yourself.
Time for SO to consider himself, you and the kids only.
BM can't play nicely? BM can't face her (divorce) reality? Then she can suck it!
2) There is a court order in place regulating time division - it does not say what happens on that time, but sets out who is in control of that time.
SO should enforce this on his time.
3) The children are split between two different households which are not in the same community.
Unless you want to live a child-centric life and move your entire family closer to BM's town or community to "minimise the disruption on the children".
4) BM has no right to plan or schedule things during SO's time.
He should enforce his rights and remind her of this by doing so.
BM scheduling things on SO's time is a form of interference or control.
She is not only interfering in SO's time, but controlling his access and right to see his children on his own terms, in his own time.
5) The children are subject to the decision making of SO on his time.
Although their routine should be taken into consideration, it should not override the routine or structure you are trying to set up as a "new or different" family.
You are not secondary to BM.
On the contrary, your plans should take precedence over hers.
This is about taking back control of your situation from BM.
In your post there is far to much emphasis on what she wants and does.
She has no control over your life.
Only perceived control that you are granting.
Stamp it out.
Your stepkids are at an age where they can understand things.
You and SO can have a sit down conversation with them around the changes that need to happen around visitation.
Not to engage or solicit their opinion (as this gives a child control they should not have), but in a age appropriate manner, tell them why and how you are enforcing the time that needs to be spent with SO.
You have already discovered alternatives.
Like the club your son belongs to and the ability to meet new friends.
Children are not fragile little things unable to cope and adapt.
Your SS's should be able to cope with a new routine set by yourself and DH that maximises your time together.
As is, you two seem supportive of each other's children.
Make things work to your advantage.
People get divorced.
Things change.
BM needs to deal with things - and learn she is not in control of every second weekend.
SHE is the person who may have more trouble with this, than the SS's.
Do not rule out her ability to lash out or guilt you when you and SO enforce what you are legally able to.
If she does, ignore her.
She is an ex for a reason.
Show BM her place in YOUR household because she is incapable of mature behaviour or interaction.
yes, - that's right, I don't
yes, - that's right, I don't think SS's will be that upset - except where she bigs up an event just so she can let them be disappointed that they can't go. I hate this for them and for my son, but the sad truth is that children of divorce WILL miss out on things when they are at other household.
not kids, it's BM
Oh, it's not that SO is a yes-man to the kids. He's easy-going in many ways but there are rules about behaviour that he expects and kids are made to understand that while their well-being comes first - their whims and wants do not.
Of course he wants them to have a good time and when it was a choice of activity in home village or in a small house with a resentful gf, well it was easy to make that choice. Now that he's with me - we're already doing kid focused weekends with my son anyway.
The problem is that his ex is a burn-it-all-down kind of person and she basically doesn't want the kids to develop a life down here with us/him. It's saying no to her that is the problem. And it's her setting them up with fun activities that Dad has to be the 'bad guy' on if he enforces visitation. She has basically been booking them into stuff on HIS time and I imagine she's been telling them 'oh we're going to do such and such' but not saying "oh look I booked this on your dad's time" and they won't think about that either. And they don't think every time he has to stay up over night up there - that's time away from me and disrupted familiy time for my son.
I don't have a problem with the particular activities BM signs them up for - in many ways we value similar activities for kids - basically sport and community events...but she's scheduling them - it appears - to eat into my partner's time.