Pressure from new wife to support her children
I have a son (16) from my previous wife who passed away some years ago. I subsequently met and married a divorcee. She has 2 children, ages 12 and 15, but they live with their dad. She was forced to give him custody, about 4 years before I met her, because she lost her job and could no longer support them. He also was a poor payer of maintenance and she had to get court orders to force him to pay.
She sees the children every 2nd weekend. I have a fairly small house, so it is a tight fit to squeeze the 5 of us in, but it's OK for a weekend. We got married about a year ago. Now due to her previous joblessness, she has a lot of debt that she's still paying this off (she did find another job in the meantime.) The debt however means she contributes basically nothing to our joint household. When they are at our place, I treat her children exactly the same as my son. When we go somewhere for dinner, for example, I take all of them. They are subject to the same discipline that my son is. They get the same kind of birthday parties and presents for Christmas.
All good and well, but now her ex has met a new girlfriend, and is spending less and less time with her kids. This I have complete sympathy for. However, my wife is now starting to pressure me to allow her 2 kids to come and live with us permanently. As I said above, my house is too small for 5 people, plus that will mean that I, by myself (she's not really contributing financially, remember) will suddenly have to support 5 people instead of 3 financially.
It's not that I don't like her children, but I did not sign up for this when we got married. I did not sign up for having to support another guy's 2 children 100% of the time, and, to make things worse, to do it alone, without financial assistance from my wife. It would come down to both of their biological parents making the kids my financial responsibility. This is causing strain in our relationship and we've had several fights about this.
Help!!!! Am I unreasonable? Do I need to be firm and put my foot down and flatly refuse to countenance these demands?
There are two people with
There are two people with financial responsibilty for these kids- one is dad, the other is mum. It is called parenting and when two people create another person they should accept this responsibilty along with the pleasure they bring- until those children can support themselves. You are not in any way responsible for their upkeep. Would you expect anyone to be responsible for your children? I think I know the answer. Not only do you need to put both your feet down, but you need to turn them in a direction that points away from this situation. I don't think it is going to end well unless someone has a magic wand- I lost mine some time ago...
I would be super-irritated, too
But these are her kids, and it's not wholly unreasonable for her to want them to come live with her, just as it's not wholly unreasonable for you to be irritated about her wanting them to live with her.
PPs are right, her kids aren't your financial responsibility, but I'm not fully convinced that's your total concern here. I think your home is small and it would be a major inconvenience to add two more teens. I'm honestly more sympathetic to that issue than the finances. (You *did* know about her finances when you married your wife.)
Frankly, none of us know/knew what we were *really* getting into, and having the skids move in FT is a risk we all run by marrying people with kids. Think about this from her perspective... Would you be OK with your spouse telling you it isn't OK to have your kid live with you?
Should have told me of this before the marriage
No, it's not unreasonable for her to want her kids with her, but I feel I should have been given fair warning of this desire to have me support her and her kids before we got married (her ex met his new girlfriend before we got married.) I was prepared to support her, due to the debts, but 3 more people? Furthermore, upgrading to a 4-bedroomed house from my current 2-bedroomed one, is also going to be a huge financial drain on me, which I never anticipated before we got married. We certainly never discussed her kids moving in too, so this is really what annoys me, a sudden possible huge financial impact like a bolt from the blue.
Did you all never discuss the kids?
Because personally, if the skids were with her until she couldn't support them financially (due to a job loss), I would assume that she would want them back FT and/or I would have asked the question before getting married.
This seems like a failure to communicate.
It sounds to me like you're not in for this, and that's fine, but you have to tell your wife that this is a deal breaker for you.
The current custody arrangements were discussed
She got divorced in 2013. Her kids moved in with their dad about a year later, so it's been 4 years they've lived with her ex. What was discussed, and what I was happy with from the start, was that the dad had custody, but that she could see them weekends and every 2nd school holiday. Any reasonable person would assume, if it wasn't explicitly said otherwise, that 4 years is a long time in a 12-year-old's life and that it would be cruel to take the kids away from what they're used to merely because their mom's circumstances have changed and she now feels like taking them back.
Does she pay her ex child
Does she pay her ex child support? If the kids live with her, will he be paying child support? Is her getting the kids even a real option or is she just wishing and hoping because dad seems busier these days?
It would worry me that she wants to move in immediately at the mere prospect if having her kids full time. It sounds like she has never really supported them on her own and never plans on it.
I'm the one paying her ex his child support already, bizarrely
No, not my wife, I AM THE ONE in effect paying him (her ex) child support already. While I don't pay him directly, I do pay for holidays, all the weekends, her kids' cell phone data, new clothes, etc, because my wife's debt repayments gobble up almost her entire salary. So literally I am already pitching in and paying the ex child support, which is kind of a bizarre situation, I know. But I was prepared for this before we got married, so I'm OK with it, and I do feel sorry for her kids, I must add. They're now in the middle of this.
Just as a heads up. IF the
Just as a heads up. IF the skids do come live with you full-time make sure you get a CO. One that makes HIM pay CS to your DW, and that gives a solid outlined plan as far as finances go.
We didnt' do that and now here we are a year later trying to get the b**** served.
Good comment
I like your suggestion. I'm not saying "no", I'm saying yes, but conditionally and putting the ball in her court. Let her sort out her finances, then we can talk about them moving in. I'm going to use this one - thanks!
Under no circumstance would I
Under no circumstance would I be putting my child into a situation where he's living in a 2 bedroom house with you, a new stepmother and two stepsiblings who are essentially strangers. He's been through enough - his life doesn't need to descend into chaos like that.
Call me cynical, but I'll bet your wife had this in mind from the beginning and was smart enough not to mention it to you previously. I agree with futurobrillante - when she's in a position to contribute equally so you can get a larger house and she can handle the expenses for her kids, then the kids will be welcome. Also, since you already know that their dad is a poor payer of maintenance, any agreement on his part to pay child support if they move in with your wife shouldn't be given too much credence.
Wife
Wife Has to pay off her debt. Then contribute to a new bigger home before her kids can move in.
if you think you are fighting now. Just think what it would be like for five people in a small house. What the actual cost will be to raise two additional kids will be
What is the cost for your son?
Your child has you. That's it, essentially. No one else. He needs you to step up in his life since you're "it." As a teen, he's not grown, launched, a functional adult yet, but ... I hear a lot of parsing of resources going on ...
Your stepkids have 2 parents to support them 100%. If their parents are crappy, why should that be your boy's problem?
Would she be able to take
Would she be able to take them back full time if you were not in the picture? I am guessing not, if she does not even contribute to the household, now.
If SHE cannot support her children, which includes contributing to moving to a larger home, than they need to stay with their dad. She should not expect you to shoulder the financial burden of children that she and her ex brought into the world.
You are not being unreasonable.
I wonder if this was her plan, all along.
If your wife wants her kids
If your wife wants her kids to move in with you... I think you need to have a few ground rules.
1. She starts to contribute and cover her children's expenses. Maybe this means a 2nd job? Maybe it means reorganizing her debt to pay it over a longer term. Maybe it means getting an enforceable order for support from her EX.
2. The decision will need to be made whether to stay in your current home or to try to change to a home that may accommodate the larger group. Now, I think it's helpful to keep in mind that in 2 years your son will be 18 and would be out on his own either going to school or working... so that crunch would only be for a couple years or less. AND... her older child will be right behind that by a year so within 3 years you would be back to only one kid in the home... again at that point it would only be for a couple years longer.
3. I might take into account how everyone gets along. Now, I can understand your son not being thrilled, but it's a good lesson in empathy. How would he feel if he was told he wasn't wanted by a parent? He should be able to understand that is hard for a kid to deal with... especially as someone who has lost a parent. But, also how HER kids would be in the household. Are they cooperative? Do they demand special privilege? If they are terrors, I might try to push back more.. perhaps until your son is out of the home at 18.
I understand you didn't sign up for this, but realistically if her EX died, they would be there absolutely as there would be no other choice and this was always going to be a risk. I'm also sure you can understand how a mother might want to have her children with her as well. But, to do that, she needs to step up the financial side of things so that you aren't unduly burdened by their presence.
Futuro has already said what
Futuro has already said what I came here to post.
I can only add that as this is a step parent site, you'll find little sympathy for individuals like your wife. Too many of us either have or currently are in some way subsidizing noncustodial parents. You are already picking up a lot of your wife's financial slack, and I must say the fact she wants you to provide even more makes my lip curl a bit. This is neither equitable nor honorable on her part.
One of the biggest differences in a second marriage is finances. It's still a partnership, but each spouse is responsible for their own baggage and obligations. I'm not suggesting you've been duped, but I do think there should have been better communication about finances before you said I Do and that you need to draw some boundaries with your wife. She's not a child, despite the way she keeps trying to get you to shell out more for her wants, and you deserve to be valued and respected.
You need to start saying "No, that doesn't work for me". And as a couple, you should sit down with a financial counsellor. If you wife needs more education or certain certifications in order to earn more, you could help her help herself (which would also set a great example for her kids). But don't enable her. Don't be her Sugar Daddy, and take care of you and your son first.
The opposite
i am in your wife's position.i came to my marriage with low income and a few thousand dollars in debt. My DH paid it off, supported me and Boyo while I was pregnant and has been more than agreeable about my spending. He would probably be agreeable to housing any number of my family members, as well.
In return I pay a good portion of the household bills, my car payment, insurance for all the cars, DD's extracurriculars and organic free range kosher food raised by monks in a pristine virgin rainforest in a galaxy far far away. I also volunteer at the synagogue for reduced rates on DD's school and summer camp.
i don't contribute as much financially as DH does but I keep the house clean, run the kids to where they need to be, do almost all the yard work, make sure there's food in the house.
I fully understand your frustration about supporting your wife and her debt. You seem really generous to help subsidize what she can give to her kids. Does she maybe feel entitled to that type of "compensation" because she's the mom of the house? She cooks, cleans, cares for your little family 24/7? How much of the grunt work does she do for your son? So why can't her kids come be a part of that, too?
You're not unreasonable at
You're not unreasonable at all! I wouldn't want to be pushed into something I didn't sign up for either, which is exactly what happened to me and my life turned to S*@$! I don't believe in coincidence...once your wife's ex met a new girlfriend, he is now spending less time with the kids....?! I'm willing to bet the new girlfriend does not want someone else's kids interferring with their relationship, which is why your DW ex is wanting to "give" the kids back to your DW (and you, as the collateral damage.) Why should your DW's ex's new girlfriend get a much better deal than YOU??
Also, I'm willing to bet your
Also, I'm willing to bet your DW is angered by the possibility that a new step-mother might come into the picture. So she will probably try to convince you to support all the kids out of fear that a future Step-mom might get to spend time with her kids...