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BM has been my rock these last two days...(say what?)

mommadukes2015's picture

Submitted by mommadukes2015 on Fri, 04/27/2018 - 10:10am

So as most of you know,  a few months ago, SO and I took in my elderly FIL who is now 78. Over the last week, his mental status has declined serverely. To the point where a once loving and funny man, hates my stinking guts, and I am the one caring for him primarily. 

BM2 cared for her elderly grandmother who had alzheimer's up until her passing in January. At a total loss for what to do for my FIL and to help him get through these fits of rage at me without doing any harm, I reached out to her to see if she had any advice. 

She has been the best listener, the most supportive and insightful and thankful person these last few days. I of course, let SO know I was talking with her and he was very glad for that. 

FIL is nursing home bound at this point, it's just a matter of when and where and I feel like I'm giving up on him which makes this so hard. SO has to discuss this with him this weekend and I can't be arround for it, because I know if I am FIL is going to cuss me out and get angery with me and I just can't handle that after all I have tried to do to make this work. 

Talk about curve balls lately, man. 

Comments

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Fri, 04/27/2018 - 10:17am

I am so sorry you are going through all of this.  When people age like this their personalities can turn on a dime.  It's tough to be the butt of their abuse when you are bending over backwards and putting so many things on the back burner for THEIR benefit.  Believe me, I had so many frustrations when my mom stayed with us because my dad couldn't handle her and my brother didn't want her.  I know I said some things that I now regret.. but it was very frustrating to have someone so resistant to doing simple things like bathing.

Eventually she did have to go into a home... we just weren't equipped to be a full time caregiver since we worked full time and couldn't be there during the day.

In the end, a nursing home will be the best option because instead of being involved in the day to day rigors of his care and fights... you can go in and spend positive time with him knowing other people are dealing with that.  Maybe his mood towards you will actually get better?  If it doesn't.. it is probably not so much a fact that he is angry at you as he is about his situation... It can be difficult to face our frailties.

classyNJ's picture

Submitted by classyNJ on Fri, 04/27/2018 - 10:25am

So sorry Mommadukes.  My family went thru this with my grandmother.  She lashed out at both my mother and myself because we were with her all the time and she lavished love on my siblings and aunt and uncle who never came to see her.

We also had to put her in a nursing home.  She was getting violent with my mother and leaving the house in the middle of the night.

Please remember not to take what he says personal.  Its the alzheimers.  

HUGS

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Fri, 04/27/2018 - 10:26am

Oh mommadukes... *hugs*

Remember, you aren't giving up. You are getting the most appropriate care for your FIL. It is okay that you aren't what he needs - you can't be Superwoman and do/know it all.

Outside help is a godsend. Don't let it make you feel like a failure.

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Fri, 04/27/2018 - 10:39am

How nice that BM2 is such a great source of info and support.  It's such a hard undertaking when we have to care for our aging parents, and it's crucial to have someone in your life who knows what it's like.

Tiger7's picture

Submitted by Tiger7 on Fri, 04/27/2018 - 12:44pm

I went thru it with my former FIL also - he had alzheimers and lived with us for a few months before going into a nursing home.  It was very traumatic for all of us as we had no idea how to be proper caregivers.  We did it but it was so stressful.  I'll say a prayer for you to stay strong and get thru this until he can be placed. 

Saint_Gus's picture

Submitted by Saint_Gus on Fri, 04/27/2018 - 9:06pm

Awww....I'm so sorry. It's so hard on the people who love and care for the elderly relatives that start losing their faculties. You truly stepped up and went above and beyond for your FIL and showed what a great person you are to your DH and relatives. Its hard but you got to remember that the verbal abuse is just part of the illness. If a sick child vomitted on you, you wouldn't think its because you did anything wrong or deserved it. Its just a symptom. Your FIL is word vomitting. Just try to get outta the way if you see it coming. From where I stand, I think you've all ready earned your wings. Takes care of yourself.