"DH, I am the one going into labor. I am the one will be in pain. I will be scared and joyful and exhausted. I will need your full attention. However, if you can't or won't provide it, then I will find someone else to be in the room with me and you can visit after I have done all the hard work. But know that if on one of the most painful, terrifying, and joyful days of my life that YOU HELPED ME CREATE that you are NOT there, that you may have two children who visit you 50/50.

I will NOT be put in any place but first when I am laboring for our child. I will NOT let our child be put in any place but first on the day they are born. SD has had you all to herself for four years. You can give OUR baby ONE DAY. If you can't or won't, tell me now and I'll make other arrangements. And yes, I am serious that this IS that big of a deal to me. It's your call."

Do not back down. Do not let the precedent be set that SD is somehow an equal to you. SD can sit in the lobby with grandma or some other family member or friend. Or better, she could stay with one of those folks while you're in labor. No 4 year old gives a crap about labor, and they certainly don't want to be at a hospital for hours on end.

Your DH is being selfish to an unimaginable degree. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is just excited and is foolishly transitioning into his role as a father of two kids. He has a different perspective of the situations, and I can appreciate that.

However, even when my siblings were born and my parents were married to each other, we stayed with our grandparents until after my mom gave birth. We only visited the hospital for a few hours, then we marched back to GP's house. Those first few days were about my parents and my sibling, not anyone else. We weren't neglected, and we certainly didn't care that we weren't there.

SD will be FINE in someone else's care. But please, make it be known to him that you need his undivided attention. Ask him if he won't be there for you 100% who he would like to replace him to be there. I bet you could rattle off a list of at least 6 people who would be there for you, OP, who have kids and lives. Maybe remind him that those people exist, and God help him if you have to call upon them to do what he won't do.

*hugs*

JMO, but I would not want my own biological 4yr old present during the labor and actual birth. Yeah, I know, it's something many families choose to do, but honestly, I've never understood why. Flood with me best wishes and kisses as I head out the door on my way to the hospital or delivery center. Come see me afterwards (preferably several hours afterwards , not 20 minutes)... but birth isn't something I want or need to share with any other child.

For me it has absolutely nothing to do with bio or skid nor whether it's a first birth or fifth. Out of my four bio births, the only one my husband was present in the room for was the final birth. Back with the first two, hospital rules said 'no', the third was a c-section and hospital said 'no' . There are 22yrs between my oldest and youngest, so finally by baby number four, Dh did get to be in room for last baby. 

I shipped all my little darlings off to Grandma's. They didn't feel left out as they never expected to be present. Me, nor anyone else ever suggested they might be 'if Mommy says yes'. Nope. With the exception of my c-section all my births were natural births. 

Please don't make this about your 4yr old SD being a stepdaughter. Make it about this is your decision to make your giving birth a personal experience. 

You also should have a few days to bring baby home and bond and get a routine going (you nor baby will want much more than to sleep). However , yeah, you knew one was coming, your husband has 50/50 custody with his older child. He can't count on BM taking the child. You and your DH having a baby is not BM's problem. If BM wants and/or offers, great. If not, it's up to your DH to find appropriate care for his 4yr old while this all is going on. As I said, I shipped mine off to Grandma's. My mother offered and she ran the kids back and forth to have short visits both one in hospital and a couple at home before I had them fulltime again. 

When your Dh is the one pushing out a baby, well then, I suppose if that day ever comes he can make the decision who is and is not present.... until then, he needs to let you do your birth your way. 

Congrats on the up coming baby!

Omg.  I hope this doesn't portend of things to come in your future with your DH.  

You have a legal right to ban him from your hospital room.  If I were you, and he brought SD, I would do that.

During my first labor, I had unbearable back pain, and MIL kept ringing the very loud phone in my hospital room for updates. This was 29 years ago, before cell phones, but it would have pissed me off if she called XH's cell too.  What an butthole.  She could have waited until it was over for an update, my labor was only 6 hours total (7am-3pm).  I was in terrible pain, but my XH brought a cup of burnt coffee into the room and refused to remove it because he was "so tired".  It was 10am!  So I started puking.  Then I tried to do breathing excercises to manage the pain, and he told me I was "being dramatic".  I would have been better off on my own.

When I brought baby1 home from the hospital, XH couldn't do anything for me or our baby because he "wasn't feeling well".  MIL came over and started chain smoking.  I told her to stop smoking around my baby.

Then when we were trying for another, and then I was preggo, she kept asking me if it was "official".  Umm, no I didn't take a pregnancy test but I haven't seen Aunt Flo for two months...uhm no but I'm seeing a doctor now...uhm no but I'm due on this date...wtf?

When I brought baby2 home from the hospital, MIL had been watching child1 during the delivery, and she trashed our house. XH had relieved her after the delivery, but left the mess.  There were ashtrays full of cig butts all over the place and the stench made me puke some more.  I asked XH if my pregnancy was "official" yet.

Needless to say, this was a very very bad marriage, and it is over.

Don't let him ruin this experience.  The resentment is real.  Don't let it happen to you.

My DH got primary physical custody less than a month before we had our oldest BS. BM lived up north while we were in FL. DH was active duty AF.

We planned for a home birth as I had an aversion to hospitals. SD was 5 and she was going to stay with friends while I delivered. Things did not go as planned and I ended up in the hospital on base. DH left SD with one of his Airmen and wife who lived on base, less than 1/4 mile from the hospital. 

BM came unglued, ranting about her kid being left with people she didn't know. She blew up DH's phone. He was downstairs on the phone with her while I was alone, signing the surgical releases because the baby's heartbeat kept going into decels with every contraction. 

He missed the entire operation because of the distraction.

He took SD home that night (to our house). When I got home, the house was trashed. SD had wet the bed twice and shoved pee sopping sheets and pyjamas into her dresser drawers. 

To top that off, the first Sgt thought I could use help since it was my first baby. They sent one of the wives over to help me. She sat on her butt, holding my baby while I was hauling load after load of pissy laundry to the washer.

Second time wasn't as bad plan wise. Scheduled C-section. SD stayed with her best friend's family. Baby had some health problems and we spent a week in Pensacola at the NICU. By then BM had already forgotten that she had a kid.

I don’t have a better way to put this but neither of you is wrong. You don’t want her there because you want to share this special moment with just him. He wants her there because you ALL are family.

I will point out that the “little brother” comments you don’t seem to like are true. This is her little brother. I worry about that the most. If you’re not disengaged from the little girl then I feel your home life is about to get a lot worse.

While yes you very well might be feel different towards your biological child this girl is not to blame and she is part of your family. Your ignoring that when you become upset about “little brother.” I guess my thing is do you want to be one family or do you want this girl to hate you. I know that’s a bit extreme but your denying the connection between the children which denies her place in your home and family.

Your upset about him reminiscing with the child when that is perfectly normal behavior and most likely healthy for helping her adjust to not being the only child in the home. Basicly bringing a second child in is already hard enough. Be very careful about rejecting your partners child. Yes I understand this is your first but it’s not his. Be careful making him choose.

It’s fine to say that you don’t want her around because you need him but it doesn’t feel like that’s the only thing. You’ve got some resentment going on and I’d advise speaking to a therapist for a little bit.

I know a lot of this might come off wrong because wording is hard. If I may.

SO and I have talked about having a baby and we’re already discussing if the children will be there or not. I want an at home birth so that complicates it in it’s own way. We’ve near decided together that we don’t want the children there for the main reason you need to focus on. I want him focused on me and the new baby. I want to focus on me and the new baby.

 As you said I don’t want to worry about managing them. I don’t want them in the way and I don’t want them there if something goes wrong. It’s nothing about me not wanting them or resenting them. Many parents keep younger children with another family member during that time because it’s safer and easier on all.

What I do know is that as soon as everything’s cleared up I want them there. I want to see his children with their new brother or sister and I want to spend that moment as the family we are. I don’t want the first time they meet the child to be through a glass wall like I did my sister at 4.

I guess a lot of me is also worried about them not feeling rejected or second best. I don’t want them to feel replaced or out of place. I guess I’m worried your little girl may feel that way. I’m sorry I know that’s somewhat judgmental and in the end you got to do what you got to do but remember he is another person and you guys need to decide together.

Your delivery, your decision as to who is in the room.  

Period - end of story.

It doesn't matter if the child is a step or a bio, if the person giving birth doesn't want them there, they should not be there. 

YSD and husband brought 18 month sibling with them to hospital for birth of child #2. After a couple of hours dad was politely asked (by staff) to take child #1 out of room. He ended up leaving hospital to take child to an aunt who lived nearby.

Don't rely on BM. Find a friend or relative willing to watch SD if birth occurs on Dad's time and present it as fait accompli. Take control of your life.

I agree that OP wanting this time with her child and husband is perfectly normal. However my question is in a few years or whenever they decide to have a 2nd child will OP want her 1st born at the hospital in the waiting room or will she feel the same as she does about SD? As a mother of 2 bios that are 16 months apart I wanted older child at the hospital to meet his new baby brother right away. I also now have younger stepchildren and no interest in having anymore kids so I see both sides of this situation and would hope OP thinks about if this will be an issue later with her DH if they do have more kids. 

Also, hospitals are dirty places and where I've worked, it's advised that children shouldn't be there under age 14. 

I don't mean to scare you or anything.. but your DH needs to understand that there are appoximately 1.2 trillion different things that could happen when a woman gives birth and having a 4 year old under foot is not a good idea should things go south.  When I had BS8, my water broke and then nothing happened for 52 hours.... 2 days in the hospital.. my poor DH was beyond exhausted because the bed he had sucked, he was going back and forth to our home to let dogs out, get us "real food" etc.  Then after petocin and every other thing they tried didn't work I ended up having a C Section at 4:30 A.M.  DH went with BS8 to the nursery as obviously I wasn't going anywhere but recovery.  ALL of this would have been a nightmare if he had a 4 year old in tow between the 2 days in the hospital and nothing happening and then 4 more days in hospital for recovery of C-Section (Bs8 was fine!)  

BS8 was born in December so it might have been the time of year, but also, the hospital had a policy that no children under the age of 16 could visit in the labor and delivery dept.  Maybe check with the hospital and you will luck out and they'll have the same policy

You don’t get a first birth, or ANY birth, do over. This is YOUR birth experience, it’s your story, your rules. No man, or children, should EVER dictate how it’s going to go - EVER. 

I excluded skid from both of my births. She wasn’t even welcome to come to the hospital post OP. Heck, I even managed to keep her at arms length for a good week or two, post both deliveries. 

I have no idea why anyone would want a small child in their delivery room, bio or step, and I'm almost 100% certain that the hospitals I delivered in didn't allow young children in the delivery room anyways.  With my first delivery my son's dad was a royal PITA.  He fell asleep during my delivery, woke up, went to get himself breakfast, came back, left to go smoke, came back, wanted to turn on the TV and watch football (okay, granted it was super bowl Sunday but it was long before the game even started).  Complained about his nose hurting...it was pretty much an awful experience...his mom insisted on being there b/c she had been in the delivery room with all her other gkids and that made me uncomfortable as well.  After I had my son he left me alone at the hospital to go watch the super bowl and sleep at home where he was comfortable....guess we can all see why he is an EX!  

My 2nd delivery was better.  It was just SO and I.  It was ALWAYS the plan to have BS and SD go elsewhere while I was giving birth.  They were 7 at the time.  They came the next day to meet their brother and bond with him. 

OP has EVERY right to say that she doesn't want SD in the room.  This is about her and bringing a new baby into the world.  SD will be just fine meeting the child later like OP has stated she is completely fine with. 

I wasn't invited to a SINGLE ONE of my mom's deliveries for my siblings... My grandparents watched me and I stayed home... I don't think SD should be at them either... Like at all... A delivery isn't a place for a child... It's a place for the spouses to be while their creation comes out. She shouldn't be there, regardless of step status or not.

This has nothing to do with the child being a stepkid.  Do you know how long and boring labor is?  Seriously, I was bored out of my mind and "I" was the one giving birth!  It takes hours and hours (especially for the first) and if you go the route of good drugs/epidural, you are out of it much of the time.  You are constantly being checked to see if you are fully dialated, efaced, etc.  It is a LONG waiting game.  A four year old would lose her mind at the hospital.  Do the child a favor and leave her at home with entertainment and a place to sleep when tired.  

As to sending the child away after you come home from the hospital, I wouldn't do it.  Believe it or not, as a new mom, you won't be getting your baby on ANY schedule those first few days.  S/he will drive the schedule based on hunger, wet diaper, tired, or just plain mad.  And I think it is very important to make your SD4 feel like she is a part of this new baby.

I have been you, HH11.  I was a custodial stepmom with no children.  I worried about the whole event and not being made to feel special because my husband already HAD his first child (and his second).  And to be brutally honest, my DH wasn't as sensitive as he should have been.  He was totally uninterested in my pregnancy (ie feeling the baby move or seeing how much my body changed) BUT after giving him FOUR more children, I have figured out that he just isn't one of those dads. He is amazing with the kids once they get here, but could NOT bond with them while they were in utero.  It was just too abstract and foreign for him until the children were actually born.  All of this being said, from one custodial stepmom to another, to someone who is having her first baby, stop worrying one iota about whether your DH is investing enough time and purpose into this baby.  YOU be there, present in the situation, for every amazing moment.  You cherish the wet, goopy mess they lay on your chest the second after s/he is born.  It is life-changing.  Enjoy the firsts that come with your beautiful baby - the first time s/he looks you in the eyes, the feel of his/her breath on your neck as s/he sleeps, the small nose and ears and teeny, tiny fingers and toes, the first smile, the first coo, the first laugh, and the first open mouth kiss full of slobber.  It is magical if you focus on what is really important - that new baby.  Don't compare, or have these crazy expectations of what your husband will or will not do or say, just enjoy.

My $.02.

I agree that having a small child in the delivery room is a big mistake. When I had my DD7, her grandma was coming to pick up my DS12, so he was 5 at the time. It took exH's mom 2 hours to get to the hospital. My DS was bored and very nervous. He freaked out when they put the IV in and started crying. He was miserable and it scared him to see what was happening. Trust me, this is not a skid vs. bio issue. Small children in the delivery room is a bad idea.

I've seen some really valid points here.

1.  What if there is something that doesn't go according to plan?  long delivery.. emergency.. who knows?

2.  Hospitals do have sick people in them... let's keep SD away from the germs so that she can see baby when it comes home from the hospital (whether that is sooner or later).

3.  Birth is private.. I can't believe that some people are even having to respond to the potential issue of the child being IN the delivery room.  NO.  I never had children but I always swore that if I did that the ONLY people I wanted in the room were those licensed to give me good drugs.  (pretty sure that leaves MILs and SKids out of that group).

4.  Kids would just be bored to tears anyway.. much better to have her off at mom's or grandma's or an aunts or uncles house while everything is going on. 

Then, you can decide how soon she can come see the baby and whether it's for a visit or for visitation depending on how things go.  I know my brother's wife had a hard C-section so she couldn't do anything for the baby and my brother was doing all the kid duty.. there would have been a rough go of it if there were a small child around.  Look, even in intact families there may be valid reasons for the kids to stay elsewhere so that people can recover a little bit and be ready for more people to be around.

The person birthing the baby is the ONLY ONE whose opinion counts.

You have the right in the hospital to ban anyone from the delivery room - including your DH.  Calmly ask him if he is willing to be with you during labor and delivery.  If he is not 100% committed to being there for you just tell him to stay home and find a reliable birthing partner if you feel that you need one.  The LAST thing you need is for him to abandon you in the middle of labor or delivery.  You will NEVER forgive him if he leaves to go entertain or comfort the 4 year old as your baby is being born.

did come to the hospital for the birth of her (half) brother but mostly because DS's dad wasn't good at childcare due to boozing.  She wasn't there the whole time though which was 10 hours--a veritable breeze compared to birth of DD.

I couldn't imagine having Chef's brats at the delivery if I had an "us" baby with Chef (god forbid).

I skipped over everyone comments but no you don’t want her there. That’s absolutely crazy because for my second I didn’t even want my bio son there I made arrangements with my mom to take him. For my first my FIL brought SD to the hospital after the baby was born and all she did was act jealous and jump all over my H. Then got all pissy when he wouldn’t pick her up went over to my FIL demanded they leave and he took her mini golfing. She was 4 at the time. That was the biggest buzz kill. My second I told H I didn’t want her there at all. She could see the baby when we got home. Honestly I didn’t even want my son there it’s really no place for kids. My mother took my son brought him to the hospital after the baby was born and he freaked out. I didn’t think he should have been there either. With my second my FIL wanted to pick up SD and come to the hospital after we told him no he refused to come. I said whatever he can see the baby when I get home. You really don’t want to be bombarded with people at the hospital or when you get home. You’re tired, most people get baby blues which they will explain to you and you just want privacy. I wanted privacy with both my kids after they were born just for a short time but i got the opposite. BM fighting with my husband my in laws in and out of my house. Me having to hide in the bedroom to breast feed my kids. I really don’t have good memories and both times BM and SDs jealously always took priority.