Don't go to any situation that makes you uncomfortable. A party for people who have made you feel uncomfortable? No thanks.  But don't assume you have lost another part of the family either, just because they will be at a party together. Maybe this BIL can judge things for himself?  I get along well with my SIL even though she is still good friends with BM and knows that OSD and I have no relationship.

Don't look at it as your DH is choosing SD/SIL over you because he is going to a party for his sister.  You are wanting him to snub his sister as a sign of vindication after what she done to hurt you. In his mind, he is just going to a party for his sister.  Find something else to do that you will enjoy doing and do that.  Tell him you understand she is his sister, but she has said unkind things to you and prefer to let him go on alone.

Yes you are right that after 100 years it would be too soon for daddy to be in a relationship. Kids who grow up being the center of the universe have a big problem being moved off of center.  Reality is that your DH did not need his children's permission to get married, nor did you need their approval. I would have told my SIL that if they were still having trouble after all these years, it sounds like the poor babies needed counseling.

Go to every event. Look radiant. Go to the salon, go shopping then attend the event, put your best foot forward, and beam your happiness on your DH's arm.  Periodically lean over seductively and whisper something in DH's ear in a conspiratorial manner. It doesn't matter what  you whisper, just make it look good for the audience. In fact make it something that will get a notable reaction out of your DH.  My IL clan is a major drama generator.... whispering in my wife's ear that she looks HOT .... or some other such interesting comment...... always works to break some of her anxiety when we are splashing in that drama pool during IL clan visits.

Script a few key, keep em guessing, cutting statements to hit them with when they pull any crap.  Base those statements on your past experience with these people and what is likely to transpire.

"Well bless your sweet little heart."

"And how is that working out for you?"

"I am so sorry you aren't feeling well.  You look tired." (This one you throw out when they are being nasty.

"Does someone need a nap?"

"Well I am sorry you feel that way over something you have created in your own head."

"Wow, someone needs to get these kids under control."

etc..........

The beautiful thing about cockroaches is that they  tend to run for the dark corners when someone throws on a light in a dark roach filled room.  Be that light.  The roaches will scurry.

If you don't attend... they win.

Living well and being happy is the best revenge.  Enjoy your revenge and never cease the campaign of victory.  Rub their noses in it every chance you get.  They only win if you give up.

You are not alone. My DH has a couple of sisters and SIL who are also retired and have no lives other than revolving their lives around their gskids. These relatives feel that DH should also revolve his life around his gskids, who are the spawn of his hateful brood, who don't contact him unless they want him only to attend one of their gskid functions. They  don't even call DH on his birthday or any holidays. Of course, if a gskid has an event, they expect DH to drop everything he is doing and travel to attend one of these blessed events.

There were a couple of recent DH family events we both attended. Both DH and I were relieved none of the adult skids showed up. I was prepared for if they did though and expected, as they have always done, to play their hateful games with us. 

Your DH's sister had no right telling you that you and DH should not be together and it is not up to her or his kids if he wants to have a relationship with you. That is just a mean thing to say. It is up to you and DH and no one else's business. 

It's same with the adult skids. Whenever they and their kids show up at any event, the world is suppose to revolve around them and we are suppose to just act like they are perfect little angels who have never swore at us or threatened us. 

If it were me, I'd either not go and tell DH why and how they make me feel, or go and hang all over DH because I know how DH's brood and some of his family just cannot stand to see us so happy together. It helps pass the time and DH loves it. I feel sometimes like some of DH's relatives turned on me, as they blame me for DH finally putting his foot down in the way the skids treat our relationship. I know the adult skids have brainwashed some of DH's relatives that I am the reason he doesn't wish to socialize with his hateful brood. It doesn't bother me anymore, where quite a few years ago it did.

Just ignore the people who do not treat you right and concentrate on those you know are decent to you. I figure, If some relatives have nothing left to their relationship, no hobbies, no shared interests and no spark and want to revolve their lives around their gskids then good for them; but don't expect everyone else to share that same mindset. 

Good luck

I have the same issue with my Skids.  I get along well with OSS59, SD57 hates me and has for 38 years, YSS54 is a user and never comes around (thank God).  

OSS59 and DIL are very good to DH and I.  Therefore, I have a "friendship" relationship with them.  I stay away from SD57 and am totally disengaged.  I have never engaged with YSS54; he is DH's problem.  YSS54 has always been in and out of the Justice system (jail) since DH and I met (38 years ago); therefore I've always stayed disengaged from YSS54. 

My entire Step-family knows the situation with SD57 and I.  They all know I do not want to be inflicted with SD's passive aggression, which includes my SGD34 (mother/daughter).  I do not attend any events that include them, and I have not for 3 years, not one event.  I have not responded to either of these women in any way.  I don't make an issue of not attending, I just don't do it. 

With all of this said, OSS59 and DIL come to visit and I am on social media with my DIL.  SD and her family are allowed to visit DH, in our home.  I am civil, but treat them like they are just another person that is in our home to visit DH, not me.  I do not hostess them, nor do I play any drama games.  I ignore them, while sitting in the same room.

At the same time DIL is on social media with SD57 and SGD34.  I have SD and SGD blocked from ALL of my social media.  I do not discuss these women with anyone, including OSS, DIL, DH, nor YSS. 

We do well with no drama, only because I have set boundaries with the step-family and myself.  It is possible to move forward and separate the entire situation.  You do not have to give up your extended family.  I am also friends with BM's sister (DH's ex-sister-in-law).  We have been friends for years and never discuss BM, SD, SGD, or any of the drama.  

Your DH will not choose you over his family, that is a bottom line fact.  Let your DH do his thing with his family, you do what makes you feel comfortable.  For years, I attended all events to be at my DH's side.  It became very stressful for me, so I choose not to do that any longer.  DH knows my reasons and respects them.  My DH still attends, I find something else to do, usually spending time with my immediate family.  

Your extended family will respect you, if you let this go and never respond to any of the drama; which includes letting your DH handle his end of the events.  You handle your end.  My suggestion, never ask or discuss any of it with anyone, just set your own boundaries for you and move forward and enjoy your extended family in your own home, lunch out, or events that you know toxic family members will not be attending.  

It is workable.  I'm sorry you are going thru this, I understand; I experienced it for 30+ years, before I gathered my self esteem and took care of myself.  (((hugs))) 

Sammi is right.  I used to think it could be about winning or losing.  I learned rather quickly that if I felt that way I am the loser and they are the winners. Maybe there is no real win for anybody in this situation, but staying away from the family incest (and that is what this sickness is), protects your mental health and sanity.  What anybody thinks of me (who treats me like this), has no relevance in my life--that includes HIS family and DH if he morphs into his wimpy daddeee role. If they are the winners, let me present them with the blue ribbon. Never one to quit, but this is not a race worthy of my running.

Being in this circus at all is not easy; it is never perfect; but it is easier when you can control yourself.  It takes years, but you learn to protect yourself, after uncalled for nastiness is thrown at you over and over, and you watch your husband morph into jello even when he is being directly insulted. You cannot "make" a person do anything; you can however, control what you do.  When you have had of enough of the family sh....show, you will know what you have to do too...

When all these people are saying rude hateful things to you. where is your dh ? does he tell them to knock it off? its' amazing how immature these adults are and I don't even know how you have been able to deal with it. I would disengage from them all.

I would go to party anyway and visit with the family you have gotten to know over the  years. Let the SD do as she pleases. Expecting your husband not to go is kinda crazy to me. They are his siblings. Get a new outfit, manicure, and earrings. Have a good time and let the anger go. It isn't very becoming.

Reread RAGS post.