Enabling
Well, this is my first blog, you may want to make popcorn, this is going to read like a bad movie. Although my drama has spanned 25 years so far, it seems all these years of being a SM with all the crazy antics of 2 SS plus a nuttier than Christmas fruitcake BM , not sure how I survived this long without a blog. My DH has always been very good to me, I brought a son and daughter of my own into this marriage, DH has been very good to my children also, they pretty much treat him like the real dad. All this being said, I raised my children with morals and rules, did the best I could, and prayed lots—they are adults now, with excellent jobs, self sufficient, and are actually very giving, even thinking of others before themselves....my kids that is........Now, for the skids.::: when the SS were younger, the BM and DH split custody....when the boys were with us, there was screaming, fighting, sassy back talk, cussing, and pretty much any type of disrespect you could imagine. BM kept the young boys (12ish) supplied with cigarettes, nasty movies, and pot........ even got to spend the night at a girls house, lovely, right? So as you can imagine, when it was our weekend for the boys it was always tough. BM got a good amount of child support, but when it was our time with the boys they always needed new school clothes, shoes, haircuts, etc..always acted like the BM was broke, weird how she always had enough moola to go to Mexico with her boyfriend...Let me pause here to say that as a mother myself, I know exactly how much we all love our children, no matter what they are like. I spent years cooking, cleaning, and being very good to the skids in spite of being told to F-off, or other vile sass. Those boys always disrespected their father, fought with him, didn’t want anything to do with him, UNLESS they wanted something....my DH always took that as acceptance, when in actuality, he was being used to the max. This of course made him want to give them money, movies, gifts, etc. they pretty much got what they wanted-with BM in the background, egging them on.
Fast forward to the present..SS is 39, high paying job, house paid for, fancy car, bought himself a wife, had a child (neither of them should be parents), but just one huge problem.........he has nothing to do with his dad STILL, and DH is STILL ENABLING !!! DH says “poor guy is stressed out at work, he does not have time to call me”, yet, if his car wont start, he calls dad...if the washing machine is broke, calls dad....needed his roof shingled, calls dad...yup, you got it, the worse enabling I have ever seen!! My DH does everything for his son, to the point that the SS39 cannot even handle any home duties at all.....landscaping, appliance maintenance, all of it, SS39 wont call repair, he calls his dad. Keep in mind this is all sprinkled with terrible temper outbursts, punching holes in the wall (daddy runs over there and repairs it all).....Now, SS39 wife is calling my hubby when something needs fixing, she will call him crying, and he runs over there to do whatever they want..
I actually have tons I could add to this, but just wondering what other people think of this behavior, I have really been struggling with it lately, especially since I was just told by DH that we could no longer go out for a burger on Monday nights after I get off work, (he is retired) because he is going to be babysitting their child, and fixing them dinner. Said I can start going by myself If i want to go......PS what do you think of the SS39 wife calling my hubby (or texting all the time) asking him to do stuff all the time?
It's for the birds!
Glad you see that it is a problem with DH rather than SS and his wife. Your DH didn't invite you to the dinner he was going to be cooking for them?
Your DH needs to learn to get his priorities in order, and you should be at the top of his list. Sounds like he has not valued you in a very long time - at least not enough. So you must start placing yourself first and foremost for a while until he catches on. Simply tell him the arrangement on Monday does not work for you and that it is a special night for just the two of you. If this doesn't work, start going out with friends on another night besides Monday so he has to stay at home while you are out. When you come home, even if you have to fake it, get the most glorious look on your face. When he asks about your night and what happened, smile and say, "Nothing."
The real problem is that you have put everyone's needs ahead of your own for way too long. DH has learned to accept this but with everyone out of the house it is time for a change. Every day do something special for yourself. When you start to make yourself a priority, it may take a bit of time, but your DH will eventually follow. Stand firm.
This is solid advice, Sandy,
This is solid advice, Sandy, but I wonder if it will really work ...
After 25 years of a pattern, and a DH who obviously is more interested in coddling his grown son, I don't know how much impact it will make if OP starts going out on her own. I'd be willing to bet that her DH will just go over to the son's house and find more things to "fix" for them.
OP, you said you have two SS? What is your relationship like with the other one?
I think you have a tough road ahead of you whichever path you choose. If you begin to "live together but separate" from your DH, each going your own way ... it may work but will it be a happy situation for you? Maybe find one or two things per week that you and your DH do together? I don't know if you work outside the home or if you are retired but that can make a difference too.
All I know is life is short. Whatever you do, you must make yourself happy first. You can't expect your DH to change much, and in fact he may become more and more attached to his SS/DIL and grandkid the older he gets. It may be his way of coping with his own mortality and what time he has left in life. While you don't like them and can see how they are manipulating him, your DH doesn't feel the same way and clearly doesn't care - he wants to do whatever he can for them and spend as much time with them as possible.
It seems to me if your DH knew he only had a single day left on the planet, I'd be willing to bet that he'd spend 23 of those hours with his kids/grandkid, and give you one hour. Maybe.
Good Point
Maybe suggesting the OP go out at night without DH was a stretch. Everyone is different and every situation is different. The OP has been thrown under the bus and taken advantage of for 25 years. I went through the same thing for 20 years until I started standing up for myself and making my wellbeing as much of a priority as DH or SD. They say if you want a situation to change you must begin with yourself. I did, and eventually our marriage became one based on mutual respect. We can only offer our stories and ideas with the hope that the OP can glean what she can use to improve her relationship with her DH.
Yep! You just described my ex
Yep! You just described my ex- The Ostrich here- thank the Lord I am out of that circus! I would have got five minutes...
I Am Shocked
I am shocked at how much of this crazy enabling goes on....the guilty daddie syndrome sure destroys the kids..turns them into spoiled, helpless, entitled adults................PS this is hilarious..while I am typing this, my DH is lecturing me because he said I am giving in to the “fur babies” (dogs) and letting them rule the house...funny....blind....
Oh Yes!
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said if DH know he only had a single day left on the planet you would be willing to bet he would spend 23 of those hours with his kids/grandkid (s) and give her one hour. I feel certain this will be my life when the coddled Christ Child's wife begins to spit out sonny boy's spawn It hasn't even happed yet, and I am dreading it already. I think he will be considering his own mortality, as he has just recently had quadruple bypass surgery and now has low numbers which have a 50/50 chance of going up. He is very conscious of his mortality and I think this situation has brought us closer together and he is leading a far better life. But when those grandkids come I am wondering just what I am going to do when I go from being put on the back burner for the adult coddled Christ Child to being placed under the stove.
He's married to his children and not you.
DH is married to his children, and not to you. SS is his wife and you are basically the mistress, having to settle for whenever DH has time to get around to you. He is making the mistake a lot of remaried bio-parents do, and treating his children more like a spouse and treating his spouse more like a child. Like most SPs, instinctively you know this is not right. Anyone should be able to see it is not right, but because SPs are so often expected to suck it up and take it for the initial family, even after everyone are adults, we wind up being gaslighted and putting up with things no normal person or spouse should ever be expected to put up with.
"I was just told by DH that we could no longer go out for a burger on Monday nights after I get off work, (he is retired) because he is going to be babysitting their child, and fixing them dinner." To me, that pretty much says it all. Sandye21 (above) is a good one to listen to. Just like you, she found herself in very much the same position after just as many years. Disengage and stand firm. The stand firm part is most important. You get to decide what you get to do with your time, and not DH and not his children. Make the most of your now free time. Read a book in your room, go out with friends, etc. But, whatever you do, don't spend more years cooking, cleaning, and "being told to F-off, or other vile sass." This is pretty much what they are doing now still. They are just not using the F- word.
Do what works for you and what you want to do. Your DH now gets to take care of his children in every manner, shape and form. If he eventually can't figure out after 25 years who his real wife is, then he doesn't deserve you, and you certainly don't deserve him, but you have to make that decision for yourself. Stop the enabling.
My DH’s parents are horrible
My DH’s parents are horrible enablers and incredibly codependent, mostly with my BIL, because my DH has worked hard to put boundaries in place. Their enabling was also undermining my place in my marriage, so he has distanced himself from them.
My thoughts on this behavior is that it’s much like an addiction. The enabler is addicted to “helping” and the lines of love become blurred. It’s a control tactic derived out of fear.
I also see it as a distraction from ones own problems in life. They shift their focus on someone else or many other someones. In my experience with DH’s parents enabling, I’ve learned that it’s an escape from their unhappy and dysfunctional marriage.
Time to lock down the marital assets and give DH clarity
Wow, not a marriage I would tolerate being in were I you.
See how DH likes living with SS39 et al for a while with no access to marital assets. He will likely find clarity. Some people don't realize that they are someone else's back-&- call-boy/chore bitch until the pain sets in.
So bring the pain. Hopefully that will bring DH home with his balls in hand rather than leaving them with SS-39 and his shallow and enabled gene pool.
Good luck.
Oh I Feel Your Pain
Like you, my DH is an enabler, and to this day I am amazed at the things he does for his grown college educated son who is now in the military and has a brand new wife who is just as nauseating as he is. DH got SS25 out of trouble, (to the point of handling all the details of his court appearances, calls to the attorney, pti and expungement, I could just vomit!) the first and only altercation he has ever had with the law, and in the same breath paid for him a round trip ticket to attend spring break with his drunk buddies. I used to think oh how wonderful that DH does so much for his son, and now that we are married, I see that he has raised an entitled little s&*t. I am tired of keeping my thoughts to myself, and know that it is just a matter of time before I come out of the bag about all he does for his golden holy one who can do no wrong, who is now in service. And as for the ex calling your DH, no, no and NO. My DH went over and helped sonny boy mow the ex wife's lawn when we just got married, and I had plenty to say about that.
The Bad Part
The bad part about all this is it has gone on for years, (yes I let it) at first years ago I thought wow, this is pretty crazy- maybe it is just me—maybe this is normal behavior because his nutty higher than a kite ex wife was such a lunatic and treated him so badly, I wanted to give him a break. Over the years it was terribly annoying, but the skid hated my DH, and never came around unless he wanted to be taken out for dinner, or wanted something new-or cash...my DH realized is if he kissed a$$, any attention was better than none. Well, that is just wonderful, because now we have a 39 yr old who’s father got him his job, gave him down payment for house, when said house looked like it needed shingles, DH called around, found someone to do it, went and bought him the shingles, and went over to the house while the guy completed the job. Water in the basement? No problem—dont Look on the internet or “yellow pages” for help- call your dad..he will come over, clean up the mess, hire movers to drag some of your crap to our home, paint and re-carpet the whole downstairs.!! Dog throws up on your carpet? SS39 wife calls DH crying, he runs over to their home and cleans up the dog barf, then shampoos the carpet....oh, then trims a tree in their backyard before coming home. YES, he wants to do this-YES, he is spending time with his ADULT son.... NO, it is not hurting me...I just think it is terribly sad that now there is a 39 yr old that can totally NOT take care of himself, and NEVER will be able to...
"maybe it is just me"
This sounds oh, so familiar! Living in this type of dysfunction, and being that you are probably outnumbered by the people involved for so long must indeed give you the impression that it IS you. No, it isn't you.
When I hit the point where you are now, I wondered the same thing. I felt like a fool, fighting the same war for 20 years. But think about the people whom you think are 'sane'. Do they live like this?
We have all known people who have enabled their kids and most of the time we look upon them with pity. In most cases it is never appreciated. They don't gain the respect of their children. One of my neighbors enables her 50+ year old daughter who treats her terribly. I hope your DH is not sacrificing his retirement for the benefit of his son like my neighbor has done. But he IS putting his relationship with his wife on hold while he 'saves' his son. And that's not right.
I wish I had some sort of magic answer for you but I don't - I did the same thing for 20 years before I became overly-saturated with it. All I can offer is validation that it isn't you, and to suggest a visit to a therapist on your own to try to help you set boundaries with DH and make yourself a higher priority in your life. I will add though, that I thought the situation was hopeless and it wasn't.
ST Therapy
I think this ST site is the BEST therapy...I love it that others know how I feel, and I am not alone...
just my two cents
Wow - this sounds so horribly hard. I feel very badly for you. It does sound like some boundary-setting needs to be set. Although, I know that's easier said than done. What I see happen is that husband always finds some way to justify what he's doing. I would keep finances separate from him. I might ask him, too, if he's using up all his own money and point that out that he's not going to have much left. Not "we" aren't going to have much left.
Parents want to do so much for their kids even if their kids aren't doing great things. They are so worried about being cut off that they allow anything to go on. I think it's the guilt leading to being an enabler. I'm sorry