Last night SO had a long in depth conversation with SS10 and SS12. I had only heard bits and pieces from the other room and waiting until SO was ready to talk about it to hear from him what had happened.
SO had stopped at a jewelry store on his way home and asked kids to stay in car. I did not know any of this happened. When I got home, SS's were in bad moods giving a lot of attitude and mocking things myself and SO said. I was confused but brushed most of it off as moody kids who did not sleep the night before (theres no bedtime at biomoms house). There were a few times i asked SS12 to be nicer or said that was a rude thing to say. Tone was definitely firm, but voice was not raised.
When SO went to put them to bed and say goodnight, the long conversation happened. He asked why they were so disrespectful all night and that it is not okay. They had explained that stopping at the jewelry store set them off because they thought he was looking at a ring for me. he explained to them that things may be different at moms house, but with us they did not need to know every detail. he had been looking to see if they replaced watch batteries. SS's had asked him why are we stopping multiple times, but never expressed their discomfort until this conversation, so he felt no need to tell them all details as it was nothing that would effect them. the conversation then morphed into that they are always going to be disrespectful to me because I am annoying and mean and always yell at them before they do things. He explained that I do not yell, I just try to help them make the right decisions. Then they went back and said no i dont yell, but when i want to i just look at SO and expect him to yell at them. They proceeded with life would be better if it was just them three boys and no me because they would never get yelled at because i make SO do it.
SO explained to them that i do not make him do anything and i do not yell. He told them he does that on his own but moving forward he would give them a chance to make their own mistakes instead of trying to control things. The kids then asked that they have more "boy time" and "boys days" and i not attend any of their sporting events. SO told them we have had this discussion before and we compromised that I would only attend if it was our designated weekend and we went as a family. they immediately revolted and expressed how badly they do not want me around and they will not respect me because im mean.
SO told me all of this and while i did not show it, i was very upset. I work very hard to do special things for SSs. I come up with fun activities, nice dinner ideas, and cook things that they really like. None of it is acknowledged. they say my SO does all that and we just say it is me so they like me.
I have been upset all day thinking about these things. About an hour ago, SO told me him and biomom are arguing because after last night he expressed to her for the 100th time that he thinks they need therapy because of how much anger they are harboring after the split even after 4 years. She will not let them go to therapy because "they are fine at her house" but then proceeded to tell SO that last week when she picked up SS10 at after school she found out that when i had picked up SS10 the week prior that he threatened to lock himself in the bathroom after refusing to leave the gym to go home with me. We do not know if after school instructors told her this or SS10, but are very concerned as it is not true. I had walked into the program room where SS10 was on the opposite side getting his backpack and jacket and talking to two friends. He did not know i was picking him up until i entered the room, he then exited the room from the door on the side he was on, and myself from the side i was on and he continued to yell to his friends while walking down the hall. There was no bathroom in site and no instructor had been near him.
SSs are making it seem like it destroys them to be around me to biomom and she is believing them and it is creating a war.
i feel nervous to be around them at all in fear of the lies they make up. Around this time last year SS10 also told bio mom that i "kicked him with force" while on a train meanwhile SO and SS12 were sitting right there and know it did not happen. Biomom still believes this and it is being brought up again.
I do not know where to go or what to do from here. SO and I are living together with both names on our lease. I do not want to end our relationship due to lies of a 10 year old, but i also do not want to live in fear when they are in my house.