Oh my...I have never met this SS of yours, and I cannot stand him either..LOL....what a piece of work your husband continues to mold. A disability is no excuse for violence and horrible behavior. Disabled people conform to social standards.... even if they learn differently.

First, sorry you are having such a hard time of this...you do need and deserve a break from the constant stress as well as a total lack of parenting by your husband....husbands who do not parent point the finger in your direction--- to avoid ever parenting. Yes, and as these entitled children grow into adults--- who do not improve at all and life is h...ll on earth..that is, until you get away from them. You have to set boundaries with hb and get away from this dynamic. You will have to remove yourself and your children somehow-- just to get a little peace. I would not ever have his kids together again with my own; (would not want my kids to see and model HIS kids' spoiled behavior), if nothing more. I would insist on this to give personal attention to all children or I would find a place to get away from it all...you and your children do not deserve this level of stress and you are seriously stressed....

If I had to buy another place or apartment, just to see my kids and go back and forth, given the situation you describe...I would definitely do it.. You can go back home after your kids leave, but you have to find a better place for them; trust me...many of us live with these enmeshed men who cannot and will not parent their children...or adult kids. If you have a man like that, it is not likely he will change, so you will have to change. They never accept any responsibility for the behavior and somebody or something else will be the blame and it never changes...

Find a way to get peace restored in your life, do whatever it takes to protect both you and your children. Wishing you well.... keep us posted.

Oh....he will not die, but he does need counseling....

The skids are bad enough but your dh is also full of baloney. I would ditch him and his pack of monsters. I would worry about your together baby but it doesn't sound like your dh has his act together enough to spend much time with her/him.

These kids will put you into the funny farm. This man surely isn't worth it.

BTW, my ss15 is autistic and he is a real peach. He is not selfish, he is very compassionate and generous and concerned about others. The older he gets the calmer he gets. He is extremely lovable and if he were the only skid I had I would never have found this board. Wouldn't have been looking.

But at his mother's he can be much whinier and more dependent because she treats him like that.

Dupe

Sadly you have spawned with this guy and your own child is now part of that gene pool. You will struggle to counter this with your own youngest. How will you protect your baby from its own father and siblings? You protect your elder kids from your husband and his prior relationship progeny. I see no easy solution for you or your baby. Good luck.

Holy hell, I told my DH that my OSS wasn't allowed in our home without DH being here for a lot less than you have endured. I don't think I could tolerate anyone being so horrible to my own children as your DH and SS's is to yours. Why would you put your children though that hell? They only have one childhood and you are making it hell by living with an abusive kid and a horrible SD who wants to place all the blame on your kids. Hell NO!!!

My OSS and MSS treated my BS terribly. They would gang up on him, steal from him and even tried to get their friends to bully him at school. Before the stealing incident and the bullying, my DH used to think that it was all my BS's fault. It didn't take long for him to see the real truth after they stole from BS and I made it clear they were never allowed in my home without DH being here. DH now sees how horrible his sons were and are to this day.

I wasn't allowing it to continue. This is my BS's home and should be a place he feels safe.
Same for your children...they should feel safe in their own home.

Get the hell out. I don't judge your for feeling that way about your SS. I probably would feel the same. But I think you have stayed too long.
Even if you don't divorce, live separate until his kids are launched. But stop allowing your children to be the victims.

You should collect ample evidence of the danger this kid would pose to your baby so that you eventually have it for, gaining sole custody of the child. This should be your main endeavour while you are still in the house.

C'mon you know it is finished. What is more amazing is that you have put up,with this crap for so long. I wonder about the effect all this bullying is having on your own kids. Your lemming-like insistence of your lurv for,DH being above all else = extreme selfishness.

Once you stop saying you "feel guilty" for hating the SS, how about feeling guilty for harming your own children? Get them away to,safety.

Just because people say 'they can't help it' doesn't make it any easier to live with. Been thinking a lot about this myself as we have SS almost 18. He is rude, ignorant, selfish, dependent etc. He is very high functioning as in will be able to live alone eventually, so we are just trying to work towards that.

It is hard living with autism, bloody hard. Even with high functioning AS. All our natural ways of behaving and things we all do to be able to 'get along' with others are foreign to those with Autism and they don't care about it either so that makes it even more difficult. DH and I regularly feel like the two of us are a sort of supply unit in his eyes. There is no real feedback or interaction, just his needs being met. He has no empathy, he lies and steals and has shown no intention of stopping so we have to lock things up all the time. Personally, I can't wait for when the day comes that he will move out. He doesn't want to. He doesn't want to do anything other than play computers and eat. He doesn't want or think that learing to drive matters at all for example. He exects his father to ferry him about forever.... The only good thing is that his 'interest' is metal work and thats the path he is following at school and doing well so we have every hope he will get employment. Keeping it and getting along with people is another matter of course.

Children with autism can learn to lessen their unsocial behaviours. Control their outbursts to a limit etc. SS here has improved a lot and has been able to go to a 'normal' high school where he has really excelled and gets bullied less than in the special school. But... it is really hard work, you have to teach them sooo much and have to keep on it every. single. day. If the BM is not on board it will be even harder.

Watch out that he doesn't get rewarded unintentionally for behaviours that are unwanted. He needs to have strong boundaries and this can make AS people feel calmer. Try to restrict the screen times. All the time he is behind those screens he is not having social contact. Can you get him involved in some sort of scouting or organised activities?

To be honest it sounds like your DH does not want to put in the effort that is needed to improve the situation. This is a common reaction, parents just dont have the stamina for it especially with other kids around.

Oh sweet Jesus I am not alone. Thank you for the internet!!

First... You have already given DH the "common denominator" speech.  One of my favorites by the way.  Also one my dad used very effectively on his boys... me included.

That is a very strong action and a good one IMHO. Keep it up. Bare his ass on his own crap and the crap his kids perpetrate.

Second .... These kids are violent, destructive, profane, out of control, manipulative, abusive, etc, etc, etc... and you feel guilty and are calling  yourself a witch.  Really?

Far from indicating that you should feel guilty or are a witch.. the balance sheet points unequivocally to the absolute and incontestable fact that your DH is a complete and total waste of parental skin.

So, get out of your own head. Quit trying to think and resolve issues with emotion.  Emotions don't work for analysis or problem resolution... and start focusing solely on the behaviors of your DH and the products of a very shallow and polluted combo gene pool of DH and his XW.   Confront the behaviors with zero tolerance.  Each and every time.   No quarter, no compromise, no discussion. Total confrontation and destruction.

I would also suggest that you adopt a technology element to your behavioral confrontation strategy. Web cams.  When DH starts whimpering and deflecting.... show him the footage, when his hell spawn do their thing.... go to the footage.  Even though currently  you are in a zero exposure mode with your Skids (a great idea IMHO) eventually they will be in  your home and the footage will be golden in barring your idiot DH's ass on his deflection and gaslighting bullshit.

Your baby is lucky to have  you and  your influences to counter the high risk genetic and behavioral contribution that he has from his father.  Protect your kids, take care of you.

Good luck.

Finding this post has helped me breathe a bit.  I'm heading down the same frustrating path.  My ss, age 11 was dx with high functioning autism, ADD over 8 months ago.  To date zero plans or methods are in place for dealing with his behaviour. His biomom refuses to even tell the kid he's been dx.  Plus they have another child (a sweetheart) that has very physical symptoms, but biomom refuses to get her tested. I could scream! Anyway, the son, he's two kids really, a master manipulator, zero feelings aside from anger. He can fake empathy, sympathy, but can't literally shed a tear.  He can be great, but lately he's becoming intolerable.  His biomom has custody, but she is not pushing for treatment,  therapy or ADD meds, she just literally locks him up with video games.  She got him a 42" gaming computer and I think he has at least 4 game systems.  He has an IPAD as well, so her solution is put him away.  He loves it. 

At our house we don't allow any technology. No wifi password, ipods, laptops, internet. We play lots of board games, movie nights, outside games etc. We keep to a nice routine of proper meals and sleep.

Anyway, I can see why his mother throws him in a room. He's such a know it all, says stupid things he's made up. It's become so annoying, and his lies are enough that I can't stand being in the same room. He says stupid things to kids that as they get older, will punch him in the face. He doesn't get it at all.  I'm so stressed from yet another weekend of him thinking he runs our show.  Doesn't help that his biomom says he doesn't have to listen to us, esp me.  To be honest he's always respected me, but when he arrogantly says stupid things to my husband I could knock him off his chair.  

I have told him, just this weekend, that if he keeps it up, I'm not going to be here when he comes, but I think telling my husband he can go to them instead sounds pretty darn good.  One big thing I learned from this forum is that I need to remind my hubby the kids are HIS and if it's not fun for me, he can deal with them on his own.  It's a sense of relief really to tell him the kids aren't my parenting issue.  I have my own (adult) Bio son.

So, this was a vent I needed, I do feel really bad I think angry thoughts, but I think without professional intervention for ss's dx, its going to be a long road ahead...

I hate my SS too. Like actually hate him. He’s 7 years old and has ADHD. He has the world’s worst mother. I have no advice, but you’re not alone.....

I hate your stepson too. Listen to walk away from this mess. If your husband isn't doing enough that's not on you. I won't go anywhere by myself with my stepdaughter. She is truly a weirdo and borderline sociopath and I can't deal. Your stepson is your husband's child, not yours. I will take it a step forward I don't force my husband to take my kids anywhere without me. If he chooses to then ok but he isn't required. When his children are there with us we do things as a family 99% of the time. But when he just want to spend time with his kids I don't trip. Be a stepparent and nothing more. 

I have 3 stepsons, two of them are on the spectrum. The oldest is high functioning and the youngest is lower functioning. 

Let me just say, your stepchildren are in need of protective services. Your husband and bio-mom are guilty of medical neglect. You should have reported this situation to child services a loooong time ago. Do it now. 

Thank goodness I’m not the only one struggling

i have two step kids two bio kids

only the one ss lives with us full time. 

My two bio kids do weekends with us. 

My ss sounds like yours to a tee, same examples lol. Recently I broke down to my hubby saying I can’t look after ss anymore, I needed a break from parenting, a break from the embarrassing moments being out and about with him. 

Every day his teacher reports on his behaviour, he’s hurt this child or he was unable to go play at lunch do to bad behaviour. I recently spend an hour with his teacher apologising that I hadn’t been coming in to pick him up as I was too embarrassed to be around the other parents, who will assume that he is my bs. One little class mate is even having night terrors about ss! 

We discussed how he was going at home and school and that I was really struggling at home now. He gives me no respect, is just mean to me. I’m a kind mum, I try really hard to be nice. I like having rules tho, and I believe because of this my bc are respectful and polite to anyone. 

I was told in this meeting with the teacher, at the recent school camp ss went to, they almost rang us to pick him up, no one could control him. The principal was there, even he doesn’t understand what we can do with him. He has even suggested he may be a psychopath. That’s huge coming from a school principal. 

Last night my dh had a huge melt down absolutely lost his rag at me in the car 

because I told him to shut up

i usually don’t use that word as I don’t like it, but he was answering me back every time I told him to do something. Dh told me to never talk to him like that, we were in the car at the time and he did a massive skid in car 

I freaked out, and wanted out of the car my bd was in the car pleading to get out too

he slowed down, but didn’t talk all the way home

i can see ss causing us soo much stress, I don’t know if I’m capable of this anymore. 

He had been diagnosed with adhd and austism

but honestly I believe it to be bad behaviour 

even his teacher agrees with me, and she’s been teaching for 40 years!

OMG I'm sooo glad I found this forum! I am losing my ever-loving mind and have nowhere to turn.  I am stepmother (monster in his eyes) to a 19 yr old with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome!! This kid can be so sweet and very considerate when he wants to..but as soon as he's bored (he never seems to be into anything but looking at his pokemon cards or spending money, I have tried numerous things and nothing seems to keep his attention for long), tired, moody he becomes spiteful and manipulative. I am the one he starts making ignorant, hateful comments to. I asked him one day why he does it, why he likes to see me angry. He told me it was fun!!!
I'm going to lose it, seriously so close to the end of my rope. Everything will be ok for a little while, the household will run smoothly then all of a sudden he's just the worlds biggest jackass! I've tried talking to his father about the behaviour and while he acknowledges there is an anger issue developing he seems to not be very interested in finding a way to deal with it. I don't know if its guilt, or if he doesn't want his son to be upset in any way..but basically this kid is always trying to run our household. His mother is not in the picture and has not seen him since he was a toddler, so there is no weekend breaks, nothing at all. 

I feel like the biggest piece of crap because this kid is getting under my skin and I can't help these feelings of hate I am starting to feel toward him! I just keep counting down the days til he's done school (next year) and we can start finding housing for him!

IM SO SICK AND TIRED OF BEING THE BAD PERSON..AND SO TIRED OF THE MENTAL STRESS!!!! SCREAMMMMMSSSSSS.

I understand exactly how you feel!! My stepson is 8 and I can not stand him. He has adhd/ autism and his bio parents refuse to medicate him. His mom does not discipline him at all, she just blames his bad behavior on his "disability". It drives me crazy because when it's just him and I he behaves but when his dad is around he is a whiny, destructive, nightmare!! He also talks or makes weird noises non-stop, it drives me nuts. I feel bad for feeling this way towards him and I have tried to just get over it but nothing seems to work. He gives me such bad anxiety I really don't want to be around him!

My ss12 had hf autism and I also hate that kid with a passion. He acts the same way as yours done and hes coddled the death. He also goes around the room telling everyone how special he is because he has autism and that HCBM hates us for trying force thru court that he to get to OT PT Speech and regular therapy. The kid is bloody Satan himself. 

May i PM you? 

I also can't separate the logic and emotions and it has destroyed my marriage.

My son has autism and I love him because he's my son.  I can't stand my step who has special needs. It's very hard when you don't have mother love.

This is likely to not be a popular perspective, but.. .here it is.

Autism far more often than not is an excuse for shitty parents to be shitty parents.  Yes, some kids are legitimately on the spectrum and require recognition of that and reasonable accomodation for their autism.  However, in my experience most of those with autistic kids are just shitty parents.

The way to address any bully is to kick their ass. Autistic or not.  So, your child wupping StepBro ass when StepBro attacked him is exactly the right response IMHO.  I also think that your child should have given your DH clarity that if is illbehaved feral spawn ever hit one of your children again that it would result in the feral spawn having his head ripped off and your child shitting in his lungs (figuratively of course) so StepDaddy needs to man up and deal with the result of his shitty parenting or watch his child(en) keep getting their asses kicked when they pull their toxic bullshit and get violent with your children.

What about this POS makes you want to stay with him? He is a failed man, a failed father and a failed husband... more than once.

Quit letting him use the Dx of autism in his children as an excuse to be a shitty parent and to guilt you into tolerating he and his prior relationship spawn.

Quit allowing he and his toxic spawn to invade your home.  Ever.  Do what you can to protect your children and particularly your youngest from this shallow and polluted gene pool. I see no other option for you as a quality parent.

Good luck.

I just googled "I hate my step son" and this is what came up. It's so overwhelming to know I'm not the only one.  I feel like such a bad person...and I've never felt this much hatred previously ( barring 2 abusers )  He lives with us full time and even his father can't stand him but he's a "fix his F ups kinda guy" and as a result he's trying to give this kid the best chances to succeed in life. But also as a result I am the one that deals with him and disciplines. 

He has even called the cops and told them we abuse him/take drugs etc. And he wanted to go to his maternal grandmother because we were lying scum C's ... We said fine take him ( cop had to drive him an hour away because the grandmother refused to come get him)  we didn't bother contacting him/them and a few months later she rang begging us to have him back. Literally nobody wants him.  His Paternal grandmother will occasionally offer to have him a night to give us a break but if she ever has unexpected visitors or other grandkids she sends him back as she doesn't want him around them. 

He's lazy, filthy, ( literally I search his room for mouldy food regularly. He isn't starved. Never misses a meal no matter how shit he's been, and usually eats more and better than most adult males, he also gets rich food. Steak, sea food etc) he steals, lies, stinks. Always reeks. He makes the whole house smell. He walks around outside and stares in the windows at us, breaks things. We went on a family holiday to my bs wedding and leaving the resort I checked bedrooms for anything missing. He had used MY TINTED FACE CREAM to masturbate with, in both beds in the twin room, all over blankets and sheets and up the wall.  Cut his finger cutting bread .. that's fine allowed to eat and accidents happen, made NO attempt to clean the blood, ate the slice of bread, put the rest of the bloody bread back for us to eat, put blood literally everywhere, stove, splash back, wall, roof, sink, blind, fridge, pantry door, floor, in the bathroom all over floor and wash basin then went outside doing stuff. Even our animals don't like him.  He gives me depression and anxiety. I live for holidays where he goes to his m grandmother but with current lock down conditions he's here 24 seven.  I was in another relationship where I had a sd, I loved and still love her. And am still in contact with her. I used to have her for visitation from her Mum after I left her father ( he was an abuser). I like and generally get on well with kids of all ages. But I hate my step son. 

Man...this mom enabled his immaturity and BS...He enables it...and so the cycle continues.

Did you ever get out?

My situation is I'm expected to raise his kids 90% of the time, no BM in the picture bc she cant handle them either.

My biokids dont feel safe with demon SS around, my only peace is when I convince someone from DH family to take him for the day. As soon as he's back that's all shattered....don't get me wrong,he has his good or sweet moments, but his K teacher hit the nail on the head when she said he has 2 different personalities.

I thought I could "love it out of him" but as the months and then years go by i went from living, to disliking, to hating now and super bitter that he's made my life miserable, my BD miserable, made me unable to have alone time with either if my biokids, and made me lose my 1 chance to raise my daughter happily, just me her & her brother happy & learning & playing together BEFORE SKs!!

BUT I love my husband more than any man I've ever known....i don't want to lose him....but I don't want to stay MISERABLE.

If he knew he'd think I was a monster. If his family or general public knew they'd say "package deal, gotta accept & love them all" just like you said & thought. And I hate "you knew what you were getting into" no. No we did NOT. I should have gone with my gut instincts after that first abusive play date...but I felt BAD for the child....i thought if his BM was gonna mess him up and dump him, he NEEDED ME to help mold him.....but there's something fundamentally broken in this kid that we just can't fix.improved his violence? Yes, for now, God knows what he'll be like when hormones start flowing....and he's plenty verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive to all of us, even if he stopped biting.

Did you get divorced? Did his whole damn family take over your house??

I think that no matter how a child is, you still need to love him. This is one of the few people in the whole world who will be by your side anyway ... Try to distract yourself. Perhaps you devote too much time to the child, which is why you separated from the whole world around you. Try to find activities that really inspire you. Perhaps then you can distract yourself from all your problems. Also, try to find a person who motivates you to do good things. I understand that this is very difficult to do, but support is really very important these days. New acquaintances will help you with this. I hope you can handle this problem. Good luck!

Cant help it my ass.  I know several autistic kids who went from being feral ill behaved animal children to tolerably behaved young people when their parents put an end to tolerating the excuse driven crap.

I know that not all Austistic kids are capable of reasonable behavior. But... parenting has a huge influence over child behavior. Even for austistic children.

Seriously come on

It is your fault for marrying him anyway

And hating disabled kids is a horrible thing to do