Stepdaughter Out Of Control
I met my Wife about 10 years ago. About a year afterwards she and her Daughter moved in with my Son and I. They moved from their home to live with us from a different City, leaving their friends and family behind. Since then my SD has had it in for me, my Son and our Home.
From the very start, she would smash things up in the home and say it was an accident. Cupboard doors would break, furniture, the sink. She’d fall through plasterboard walls etc. All of the time my Wife would say nothing. If I said anything it would turn into a massive fight with her. She has done literally thousands in damage to the home and the contents.
My SD has never shown me any respect, no matter what I did for her. She has been totally vile since she got here. I guess I should have left years ago but I love my Wife. I spent my life savings trying to make them both happy.
Now, my SD is in her late teens and she has gotten more vile as time has gone on. She is rude, aggressive, arrogant. Drops rubbish wherever she uses it. Won’t help not even to take out her plate etc. Wipes make-up all on the walls and doors. Also, if she gets angry she’ll pick up the nearest object and throw it, no matter what breaks.
I sank into chronic stress and depression and had to get professional help things got so bad. There advice was for me to leave.
My Son left at the first opportunity he had to go live with his Grandparents, which left me and them at home.
My SD Is very Intelligent (straight A Student) and uses this like an evil genius, fooling her Mum and always trying to make me look bad, or cause an argument.
I only survived because I was told my SD was going to go off to University. I was counting down the days. Now, I’m told she is doing another year at College and I fear she’s not going to leave for University at all.
I really don’t want to get down and depressed again, but she has turned every single room into her dumping ground with papers and her belongings strewn everywhere.It looks like Hoarders live here. I no longer feel like it’s even my home anymore, even though I paid for it outright before they moved in.
I no longer even want to decorate or buy anything new for the home. I’m even starting to think I’ll have to leave and start again. I’m no longer a young man. I’m in my Fifties and so worried.
Desperate for ideas and help.
Confused
Sounds like you bit off more than you can chew. You wrote that DW and SD moved into your home so I don't understand why you have to move. It is really difficult for your DW to send SD off as she is not quite an age to launch. But you need to put your foot down and insist SDS picks up after herself. Get together with DW and make household rules for everyone. If SD has her own room, tell her that is her 'hoarding' world only - no trash is to be deposited in the other areas of the house.
Moving out
I’m considering moving out due to stress. SD is still at School (college) I believe house would get awarded to my DW if we separated. SD’s room is already worse than any other room
Tried to make rules
ive tried to make rules but the SD just doesn’t pay any attention to them at all. She doesn’t listen to what my DW has to tell her either and she’s very clever and has my DW wrapped around her little finger.
Why do you think DW would get
Why do you think DW would get your house if you moved? What has she contributed financially to the relationship? You are in your fifties- that isn't old! You have still a lot of life to live- my advice is to get out and make a safe haven for yourself away from these toxic people.
I was thinking the same thing
I was thinking the same thing. He said he had paid for the house outright before they moved in, and in addition, has spent his life savings trying to make them happy. I can't imagine any legal system which would grant the house to a wife of 10 years when it had been purchased prior to the marriage.
OP, I also wonder why you paid money to get professional advice and then didn't follow it? You said you were advised to leave. Why haven't you? I understand you are venting and looking for a bit of sympathy (we all are, here) but when a pro gives you advice to leave and instead you CHOOSE to remain, you have to face reality that there really is no help for your situation if you won't help yourself first.
I would recommend going to visit another kind of pro - a lawyer - and see for certain what your rights are with the property, assets, etc. The lawyer may also give you tips on what kind of "evidence" you can collect to help prove your case. For example, photos of damage, videos of your SD's actions, etc.
You are just entering a time of life (50+) which should be focused on enjoying life and looking forward to retirement. As Fairyo says, you are certainly not "old" and can easily begin again, but you also shouldn't be wasting any more of your precious time.
Thank you
Thank you for your comments. As I said, I do love my Wife and was brought-up to believe marriage is for life. I was also hoping to be rid of SD, but have realised this is unlikely to happen now, for many years. I’ve got to the point where I CANNOT put up with those things I have for so long now.
I did not pay for professional help. In the U.K. it is provided by our much maligned NHS.
I believe that in the UK married couples divide up everything when they separate. In my case, that would involve the home I paid for and a large pension.
However, what price is happiness? It’s got to that stage.
You are right, before I came
You are right, before I came to Fairyland I lived in the UK. When my previous marriage ended I bought my ex out of his share and stayed in the family home, but we had teenagers who were still dependent and they stayed with me. So, yes, you would have to split the money from the house but I'm unsure where your responsibilities lie with SD. Not all pensions need be shared, so check that one too. I would definitely seek advice and could even suggest counselling to enable you to sort things out amicably if possible. You sound like a good man who has been taken advantage of. You love your wife- I hope that she can see what she is losing if you walk away.
Thank you.
I believe I’m stuffed which ever way I look at it. The ideal solution would be I SD went off to University and hopefully learnt some respect for her surroundings and people in general. However, I don’t think that’s what DW or SD want.
I'm sorry, but if your SD is
I'm sorry, but if your SD is this bad now, it's unlikely she'll improve upon reaching her majority. Some of us here in the Adult Skid forum have bratty skids in their forties and fifties. Many desperate stepparents cling to the "hang in there until the skid leaves for uni/turns 18" stance as it gives hope and a light at the end of a very dark tunnel, but in reality dysfunction never simply goes away.
Your wife has created this monster who has chased your son away and damaged your emotional health. Your wife, whom you profess to dearly love, is the architect of your suffering and unhappiness.
Sometimes, love is not enough. You love your wife, but by not parenting or disciplining her daughter, she is placing her child above her relationship with you. Where is her love for you? No relationship is a good one if it's affecting your physical and mental health.
We all must take care of ourselves first, and despite sounding quite beat down, you do have agency here. You are not a prisoner, you don't have to live like this, and you do have options. Please do seek legal counsel as suggested above, and work with a counsellor or therapist who can help you recover and gain clarity. I am of an age with you, and have endured similar nonsense that affected my physical and mental health, so believe me when I say your expectations are reasonable and you don't deserve this.
You’re right
Your answer is quite shocking really. It’s shocking because It’s helped me realize that this is never going to get better, no matter how much I pray and do everything in my power to do.
In my working life, I’ve worked with thousands of people and I’ve never had a problem with anyone. To admit to myself that I’ve wasted the last ten years trying to make things better is hard. But, having read your comments, I understand I’m just one of many of you who have suffered for years.
I am one of of the ones on
I am one of of the ones on this site with a problem SD who is in her mid 40's. Children who are coddled growing up do not suddenly "wake up." They continue to manipulate because manipulation has worked for them in the past. Why stop doing what works? Unfortunately when a long time passive parent finally decides to enforce a boundary, the child isn't having any of it
Your DW is afraid of the wrath that she knows her DD can dish out. She is more afraid of her than you. You need to define what you want the rest of your life to look like and communicate these expectations to your DW. If she balks, you are losing very little if you cannot live the life you want.
SD out Of Control
I haven’t seen any fear in her, but her SD has a very violent temper.
I’ve called my Wife’s bluff several times in the past even staying nights in Hotels on my own. My Wife knows I lose almost everything if I go and so does the SD. They both have a hold on me. I just can’t take it any more.
I do not know the laws where
I do not know the laws where you are from and you losing what you owned before sounds severe. I would definitely get to an attorney to find out about the laws. And even if you lose more than you should, don't forget the pricetag on your peace of mind....that is more important than anything.
Home
i believe the rules for Divorce are different In the United Kingdom to the US?
Rules
The rules are likely different, but don’t you think it is about time you found out what the rules actually are? As other posters have stated, set up a meeting with an attorney.
As to your disrespectful SD, can you not tell her to leave your home and let your DW figure out if she wants to stay with you or leave and continue to enable her toxic daughter.
My lovely SD
No, I can’t just kick out the SD as :
a) she’s still in full time education
b) I believe legally, DW has as much right to live here as I have
Is your wife not bothered by
Is your wife not bothered by her behaviour? Does she not recognise that her daughter is messy and destructive?
Out of control
She allows her Stepdaughter to do as she pleases. I think she’s like it because she moved her Daughter away from the area she previously lived in to be with me. My SD never lets her forget it.
SD sounds like Antisocial
SD sounds like Antisocial Personality Disorder to me.
Re-key the locks and put SD out.
If DW takes exception, tell her not to let the doorknob hit her on the ass as she follows the toxic spawn out the door.
You have tolerated far more than I would have in that situation.
And as SD leaves, hand her a bill for all of the damage she has caused. If DW goes with her, hand her the bill and tell her to write a check before she leaves.
Good luck and take care of you.
https://www
https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/protecting-your-home-o...
Hi Stressedstepdad,
I did a quick look online for some information. Check out the link above. If you are the sole owner of the home, you may not be in as bad a position as you think. Definitely speak to an attorney and fully explain your situation. Hopefully you'll be presently surprised.
You're living in a situation no one should have to endure. I love my husband dearly as well but I would leave in a heartbeat if he allowed shenanigans like what you're describing to take place. Take care of yourself, no one will do it better.
Good luck to you! Please keep us posted on your progress.