Good intentions, no need for such attitude?
I currently serve in the navy. Married for over two years but have been together over 3. I married with my son, and my wife married with her daughter nd recently we hd a baby girl together.
I have always said something to her about this but it always ended up biting me in the rear. We are hard on the kids when we need to be but to me, friends and my family......we all have seen her come down way too hard on our son ( her stepson).
Now all our kids know us as their mommy and daddy, my sons mother fled and her dughter's father is lousy nd never cared. Plus we re stationed elsewhere from our home state.
She constantly rides and nags my son about everything and it would be one thing if she showed him some love in between but the other day I thought to my self " the only image or memory of them two I have is only reprimand" WOW.
Everytime my son comes into the room she start in about something and before you know it, hes in time out or grounded.
When my son approaches even with something so unimportant its funny, she still has to find some way of just lecturing or guiding or teaching him or being some style of negative about it. I never see her get playful with him only once in a great while, I never see her joke or laugh with him.
When I say something it ends up being a border line atomic halocaust ending with divorce. She says that is the way she parents and to never question her parenthood or diminish what she does but she misunderstands me everytime. Also that since I'll be gone on deployment soon, its needs to be her way because I wont be there, WHICH I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND. For some reason or another she never gets away from the negativity enough to realize that maybe she is being too hard on our son.
In comparison, her daughter is treated with much love, even by me. She is constantly making jokes with her and being care free with her. She is hard on her sometimes but for the most part her daughter just kinda does her own thing.
I'm at the end here and dont know how to correct this.
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Thank you! I created this
Thank you!
I created this blog on a whisper of hope, not knowing what to do. I'm so glad I'm not alone in this and that other people can see it and make something of it. I was researching and researching and couldnt find a story like mine.
The really bad part is that my son is an amazing little boy, top of his class, only first grade and has fundemental knowledge of multiplication. Many things of that sort.
For what he has been through it makes complete sense now. I did leave the choice to him when he asked " do I call her Lauren or Mommy daddy?" I told him "if you want to call her Lauren thats fine. If you want to call her mommy thats fine too."
Surprisingly enough for a three year old, he eventually took it on his own to call her mommy, because thats what she is to him and no one can ever take that away from her. She has been a blessing in more ways that I can describe which go figure of course something out of my control like this would happen when so many other things are going well.
I will not let this go on, because everyone around us sees it. Just on thanksgiving my friend and his wife was over and this was a situation he saw: " yea man I looked over and saw Mason ( my son ) asking Emerson ( her daughter) for his picture back. Emerson was teasing him with it and he kept asking her for it back because its his and it goes in his wallet. a minor commotion was made and Lauren stepped in saying" Mason what did we talk about earlier? Its ok if she plays with it"
When he told that to me this morning i felt crushed. That sweet little boy just wanted what was right and asked nicely, and took another little blow for something. That adds up to quite an amount im sure in the confusing world he is coming from.
Hopefully theres resolve in this and she can get over herself, but if it has to come to an ugly demise for his sake then it must. I always want to do whats best for the family but I cant stand seeing him go through this when everyone else is treated great, especially with another one on the way and another 1 year old girl. he would only be pushed clear to the side.
Thank you so much for your reply.
I am sorry both of you are
I am sorry both of you are going through this. I am sure your wife would have her side of the story if she could tell it and it's an overall horrible situation for both sides.
I, as protocol, must ask if your son has any behavior issues--and please do not say just the usual "boy stuff." Taking yourself out of the parent role, and looking at it all objectively, are there any habits that could drive a woman nuts? (Not men, because you guys have a higher thresh-hold for loud noises and the like, don't know how you guys do it.)
Also, please keep in mind she only had a daughter--as my mother in law would say, when she had boys after growing up in a household of girls, they were like aliens to her. The way they spoke, acted, and behaved were so out of her norm that many times she didn't know what to do or how to discipline them. She ended up being the harsh one.
A friend of mine who is male and had a girl first said that his son, compared to his daughter, is insane. Never stops moving, never is quiet, wants attention constantly. His daughter, who he was used to for the first five years of her life is quiet and well behaved and only needs a look to stop--he finds himself harsher on his son than his daughter because boys seem to be hyperactive in comparison to girls. Every other word is a reprimand to his son: Stop this, don't touch that, why are you doing that.
In regards to the issue of your son's pictures. I know how that felt. My parents always said it was okay for my sister to touch my things and take them because it was up to me to be the bigger person and share. Holy criminey, I hated that. I would cry and freak out and wonder why it was okay for someone else to touch and take my stuff and they wouldn't get punished for it. It made me resent my sister for the longest time (I have a younger sister--full, my parents were never divorced).
What I'd be worried about more than her apparent unfairness to your son is that your wife says you shouldn't question her parenting style. That is a huge issue and throws up a red flag for me. You have a right to question, she has a right to defend, and as a couple, it is BOTH of your responsibility to find a compromise. That is what a marriage is. She sounds unreasonable to me in this aspect.
My first suggestion is that
My first suggestion is that you think about having family & couples therapy sessions so that you can share your thoughts and concerns with your wife in a safe place where someone else can possibly ensure that she understands what you are trying to say.
As far as the picture incident...I myself have ended up reprimanding the wrong child because I didn't bother to get the whole story...I'm pretty sure this has happened with every parent & caregiver on the planet. My SO (custodial dad to SS10 & SD9) has to be reminded to discipline fairly, get the whole story & ensure that the right child is being dealt with. It's difficult because if all you see is Kid A pulling, whining or pushing at another child, it's easy to assume that Kid B is innocent. This is most certainly not always the case. To judge someone's parenting because of one of these incidents is unfair because it happens A LOT.
I agree with Not2Sure about the two of you needing to work TOGETHER to decide how to raise your children. Yes, you will be on deployment but that does not negate your position as the man & father of the household. As a step parent, I myself do NOT have the final say in what happens in my home. My SO will ignore my feelings or advice on occasion then question why I am not acting happy to be the SKids SM, thinking I'm supposed to view his kids as my own when I am ignored about those same kids is impossible for me. I can't imagine having a child of my own & having no say in how that child is being raised in my own home...
Again I suggest counseling all around...it may help your situation & enable you to communicate with each other better.
Best of luck to you!
Thank you, I did infact
Thank you,
I did infact suggest counseling and have mentioned numerous times that this is all just a communication problem entirely. I dont wanna place blame because I have my fair share but how do you honestly tell someone in a nice way they need to work on their communication skills?
She does not seem fond of the counseling at all, but I am almost certain that if i get her in there and get an unbiased opinion on something and just tell him/ her the facts......there HAS to be some realizations.
My son has had some behavior issues like habitual lying about dumb stuff or big stuff, trying to hide what he has done in fear of getting grounded or whatever it may be.....fooling around in class. Sticking to our guns in most aspects has paid off in his acedemics and school behavior, its the little stuff that will get him in trouble like, he talked during school, so when he gets home he'll lie about it so then my wife lets all hell break loose. She is not very intimidating at all but its hard saying what a little boy thinks and why he gets so nervous or upset.
She puts in on real strong about the fact that shes gotta nip this in the butt before it turns him into something worse, but I think the problem itself is coming straight from itself, so to speak. If he got praised for his good as much as he was reprimanded for the bad, there would be some balance his mind could make sense of but since he is battered with lectures all the time....there is just no way that he could think things are going the way they should be, especially when he sees the treatment that his little sister gets.
I constantly have to drop an ear on the " lectures" to make sure that if he gets it, that his little sister gets it too and Thed only thing she says about it is " she is only 4, Mason is 6 years old, he should know better"
When i hear that I think its total garbage in my head. When things are in motion, it doesnt take long before two years flies by, and its not like she just started this right when he turned 6.
She is an extremely hard person to talk to sometimes, the kind where even when I have some good news or a good idea I bring to her, that " 90% vocal and visual" communication she gives back to me is just awful. Even if i took her words literally and she is actually agreeing with me........the tone and the way it sounds is always extremely misleading. Its almost like she has to sound authoritative over me and have the final authority on the matter and make sure that whatever it was i just brought to the table couldnt just have been agreed upon, it had to be processed and stamped for approval.
I think what might be more
I think what might be more helpful is to address the issue of bad behavior on the child, BUT I agree your wife is not doing any favors by lectures. Both of you need new ways to discipline. I say this because I know someone who was like your son as a child--lies about stupid stuff, small stuff, and consistently lies because when he got caught, and often he got caught, he'd get hell from his parents. But the few times he managed to get away with it, well, there was no consequence.
What did that teach him? That he has to get better at lying.
Now he drives his fiance crazy (I would not have dated the guy even if you paid me--and he is quite good looking) because he lies about EVERYTHING. It became an unbreakable habit, and to him, it's easier to be caught only 50% of the time and be able to do what he wants the other 50%. For your son's sake, I hope you will nip it in the bud. Not through fear but through instilling values of honesty in him. That, as a parent, is one of the greatest gifts you can give.
You don't know why he does the things he does? Ask, talk it through, analyze it with him as a family. Make him accountable for his own actions. In this case, I agree with your wife, if you're going to be deployed and she's going to have to deal with him most of the time, I would not want to deal with a behaviorally challenged child who lies all the time and would rather nip it in the bud. Unfortunately, her way of handling it--lectures, obviously does not work. You might need to do some specialized research on the correct way to address lying in children.
Finally, it is good if his little sister can be on the sidelines while he is lectured for something he did wrong, but she should not be lectured. Your wife's reasoning isn't right, but children will pick up on what they should or shouldn't do through examples of their siblings too.
Now, about how she speaks to you or about how you communicate, I think you are unhappy with how she communicates with you to begin with, so this stuff with your son seems extra harsh. However, when you say auoritative, if you mean that she always have to bring in the but's and what if's, sorry to tell you, but many of us women, including myself, are hardwired to look at the possible failures so that we can protect against them. So we ask from every angle and tend not to celebrate because we see the possible ways it can go bad. You may think it's asking for approval, but as a couple, an agreement is reached together--if one says no, no matter how good of an idea it may be, the other should reconsider due to their partners wishes. If you feel under appreciated, maybe that is somethhing you need to talk to her about instead.
Ask for some compromise--you'll be more on top of your son and change his bad behaviors if she'll try to be a bit more lenient towards him. But you need to follow through or your wife is not going to trust you, and she needs to follow through on her end. Like I said, this is what it means to be a family. I am sure there's been a build up of resentment on her end too, possibly because you try to protect him from her and consequently it makes it seem like you are coddling him.
Your parenting styles for all children should be unified. Some parents are harsher than others, there is no denying that, but you guys need to be as harsh or not as harsh as one.