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The new wife

SisterNeko's picture

Submitted by SisterNeko on Fri, 10/19/2012 - 9:51am

DH and I have been married almost 2 weeks and I have already more or less let BM know that change was in the air.

Maybe it's not my place but DH hates to talk to BM and deal with her but I feel certain things do apply to me now in terms of OUR money and OUR lives together. Last week BM dropped off school pictures and told him how much he owed her for his 'half'. I counted the pictured and matched them up with the 'package' BM picked. She shorted us 2 pictures so I e-mailed her and asked her for them (I want what we paid for). I added that we weren't comfortable playing her directly unless it was a check so that we had a record of the placement and in the future we would like to see the bills before we give her any money to avoid an issue like we had last year with the $100 medical bill that we paid her but didn't have to. - she said there was a bill for SS5 so DH gave her a check for $100, but when he called to get a copy of the bill BM wouldn't produce it, so he called and they couldn't say who the bill was for but it wasn't for SS5 or SS7. He had the sKids put on their own account now so we will get a copy of the bill. - We got the money back but BM still claims that it was for SS5 and it was 'refunded'.

She e-mailed me back and was very nice but stated that she would NEVER do anything to hurt us financially or other wise on purpose, went one to explain the Medical bill thing again - her version of course. She said she talked to DH about the pictures and what to order, I told her that we needed the reorder numbers because we needed more - but I didn't want her to have too many.

I responded that it wasn't that I didn't trust her (I don't BTW) but that I didn't know her. I added that DH's opinion of her was clouded/tainted. And that we were keeping a closer track of ALL our spending. SO that way she doesn't feel like I am totally targeting her. (I didn't tell her this but We are watching our money more as we plan to try to have a baby this coming year. I also added that I assumed that she wouldn't do anything to hurt us, because it would directly affect the boys. Which is something that I am sure she never thought about, which includes her trying to ruin our relationship because the boys are very attached to me.

Was I out of line?

Comments

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Fri, 10/19/2012 - 10:24am

Congratulations on getting married!!!!

I think the way you handled it was perfect Smile

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Fri, 10/19/2012 - 11:14am

Oh, dear. This "change is in the air" is what causes drama between the bioparents and you. You are seen as the interloper who comes in and "ruins" everything. That said, I don't think you committed a horrible sin.
You just need to change some things for the future, otherwise you will be INVITING drama into your life.

1. DH needs to deal with BM. Period. It isn't "your place" to talk for him with the woman he slept with. He can do that just fine. Trust me. This works best for the interaction between them AND will save your sanity in the long run.
2. Don't be involved with BM on things like pictures. (Or anything else that you can do withOUT going "through" her.) School pictures? You can contact the school for an extra order form/envelope. If that doesn't work, you can contact the photographer directly, and see about ordering through them. You do NOT need to buy a shared freakin' photo package with BM. Separate. Make yourself and DH an INDEPENDENT family unit from BM.

Anyway, years into this stepthing, I finally started getting smart. Whenever something came up, I would ask myself, "Is there ANY way I can do this without involving BM at all?" If the answer was yes, even with a little creativity, it was go-time.

FYI, we used to battle of the school pictures, too, when SD was little. Stupid. Power play. A battle of who "got it" first. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Boy, when I changed how we handled those, it SERIOUSLY took the wind out of BM's sails. It was pretty funny. }:)

not.the.crazy.one's picture

Submitted by not.the.crazy.one on Fri, 10/19/2012 - 11:50am

If you guys are pooling all your money, then yes I think you handled it right. But as StickaFork said, don't take over ALL communication.

My DH and keep our money separate, so as long as bills get paid etc, I don't give a freak what he does with the rest of his. If he wants to let BM screw him, then that's his stupidity. I'm sure he didn't get a singe pic last time he paid for half of their school pics, but I'm happy without having pics of his princesses in the house. }:)

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 10/19/2012 - 1:41pm

Congratulations on getting married.

Regarding communication with the BM, I could never do it.

I haven't spoke a word to Uberskank in over 4 years. I plan to keep it that way. I have no reason in the world to ever speak to this person. She does not have my cell number or my email address.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Submitted by oncechoosetosmile on Fri, 10/19/2012 - 11:04pm

sorry, but I find you are sweating the small stuff (as we all do of course at times)Why are you feeling the need that you have to deal with school pictures and an old bill?How is it affecting you personally that there are one or two pictures missing?I would recommend to leave all that completely to DH.For your own sake.

SisterNeko's picture

Submitted by SisterNeko on Mon, 10/29/2012 - 8:51am

Update - BM is actually the one that started talking to me and wanted to 'be friends' but I told her that was a pipe dream and she wasn't the type of person that I am usually friend with - to put in nicely we she did when DH started dating me "we are nothing alike". lol

I really should stay out of it, but I have my bad days when she just pisses me off with her stupidity/selfishness. She tries to be MOTY but can't seem to understand Parenting 101. I try to only speak up when it comes to OUR money. I am currently a SAHM, so his income is all we have.

DH has gotten better at telling BM no, since I have come into the picture. MIL and I have gone over the CO with him so that he understands it and what BM can and can't get away with. He HATES talking to her but LOVES his kids.

My involvement has so far been a blessing with our household issues, I discovered yesterday while going threw the mail that DH apparently never told his insurance company that he was divorced (and didn't bother to open the letter from them)! So they needed a copy of the Divorce and our Marriage stuff. And the sKids only have $5 (SS5) and $22(SS7) bucks in their savings accounts (which BM is joint on) I agreed if we set up a new savings account that BM can't get into then I would help make sure that some money gets in there from time to time. When we started dating DH had maybe $15 in his own savings account, now it over $500.