Good lord, went back and read your last couple blogs and it sounds like this little girl has some borderline tendencies or something. I wouldn't be comfortable with her coming over for the weekend either.

This stinks of the same horrible sh*t that we've been going through for sixteen years. If I can offer up any advice, it is that you follow your gut instincts and DO NOT allow BM to come into your lives!!!! Have all communications with her go through email (so everything is documented), and keep your personal stuff personal. The BM in our situation has used every tidbit of info about me and DH (true or not) against us at every turn. I read the letter that your "SD" sent, and it reeks of BM's PAS. You stand to gain NOTHING by interacting with BM. Don't be surprised if child services shows up, be prepared. Have everything (letters, texts, court docs, etc.) ready to go, because you will surely need it at some point.

Keep both of them at arm's length. I'm sure that you are sad that things are this way, as it's certainly not the way any SM envisions the step relations turning out. But you are dealing with a (certifiable) crazy BM, and a SD that gains her Mother's favor by sh*tting on you and DH. Watch your back. This is NOT GOOD. NO personal talks. I would be nervous to even have visits with SD. We learned the hard way, and it had cost us dearly. Don't let your lack of experience with bio kids make you think that this is normal, and you are just without a point of reference. This is NOT normal, and you and your DH are squarely in BM's crosshairs, simply because you are happy together, and she is jealous.

Is she still coming over for the weekend? It would be best if she DIDN'T until you had a chance to clear this up. She is obviously going to lie about everything anyway.

Also, just to clarify the "objectivity" of the "letter" from your SD...I have a bio daughter that is the same age as your SD, and the things contained in that letter are NOT normal speak for an 11 year old. BM is clearly behind ALL of this discord, and IMO, BM trying to "get everyone together to talk" is just her way of inserting herself into your personal stuff. Your SD is quickly learning that she can behave as crappy as she wants, and then MOTY will run to her aid in the fight against big bad dad and SM. How incredibly unhealthy. This is the beginning of the "it's us against them" mentality.

This is going to be a very difficult road for you, DH, and SD, as a unit. There will be NO unit to speak of if BM is allowing SD to choose not to visit, avoid being held responsible for her choices while with you and DH, and you guys are being made out to be "the problem". This is a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode into a sh*t storm of epic proportions. Your DH needs to clarify to his daughter that she will not have a parade and party waiting for her when she visits, that your lives do not revolve around her, and although it is lovely to see and spend time with her, you have to keep living your lives even when she's not there.

Feeling that SD needs to earn back your respect after throwing you both under the bus is a normal way of thinking. But you're not dealing with normal. I said the exact same thing to my SD on the phone after she broke some major house rules and disrespected our home life entirely. Next thing I know, the phone has been ripped put of SD's hands, and BM is screeching at me about "wanting to crucify" SD. The fact remains that DH and I had not yet gotten a chance to talk to SD about her transgressions at all, since SD ran straight off to BM and avoided us for months after. In an intact family, a child that breaks the rules usually doesn't have anywhere to run away to, and has to face the music, so to speak. Parents have the opportunity to actually parent, not sit sideline until SD feels like enough time has passed without contact for everyone to have "gotten over it". Your SD seems to have the same attitude around that as mine did...oh, that was ages ago, why are we still talking about THIS?, when the fact is, you and DH haven't had the chance to resolve anything with her, because BM has been shielding her, and encouraging SD to think that SHE is actually the victim, not the perpetrator of bad behavior.

This gets a whole lot worse as these girls get older. My SD doesn't speak to DH and I anymore because we're "so mean". Totally non-specific with her allegations, and all a fabrication, but with BM feeding into it, that is truly their reality. I'm sick to death of it all, and I'd be just fine at this point to be done with SD entirely, and even worse, DH feels the same, but with even more resolve than I. Where as I am still having a hard time coming to terms with SD's absence, and tend to ruminate on all of the details, DH admitted to me that he is happier without the drama SD and BM bring into our lives, and that she barely crosses his mind anymore. BM has succeeded in alienating her daughter's father to the point where he's happy to just pay support (which unfortunately in our state goes to age 21!! Wtf?!), and have that be the extent of his involvement. And if you knew my DH, saw the kind of father that he is with our two DD's, you'd be shocked that he could take that stance. This is an amazing, involved, loving father...but he's human, and BM has helped SD in finding his breaking point. SD will surely regret this someday, but I am done fighting for her relationship with her father. DH has a brain and heart of his own, and he decides how involved he wants to be with BM and SD's constant drama.

I could be wrong, and things may turn out okay for you guys. But this is so eerily similar, that our story just may be a glimpse into what your future will hold. In the meantime, just keep your guard up, and do what you need to in order to protect yourselves.

If BM feels so so strongly that her daughter is in danger when she has a conversation with her father and SM, she should go get a restraining order and file for supervised visitations. Otherwise, she needs to STFU!! This is ludicrous behavior, and yes, she is definitely trying to insert herself into SD's relationship with the two of you. No court in the world is going to take issue with a father having a private conversation with his daughter without BM present. That request is dumb as shit.

BM over here has done and said very similar things, and over the years has convinced SD that anytime DH or I want to "talk" to SD, that we are abusing her. Now anything that requires talking (like, you know, a relationship?) is perceived by SD as an "abusive lecture". I'm so fucking over this crap. All this has done is created a dynamic where SD never has to be held accountable for anything she does, and BM is right there consoling the "poor abused" child. Give me a break.

I don't really have any advice, because clearly things have not turned out well for us. I don't know why BM has such control over SD...maybe she chipped her brain and has a remote control device somewhere. All I know is that this crap has gotten exponetially worse as each year has gone by, and I am starting to feel quite comfortable not having SD in our lives at all. She and BM bring nothing but drama and stress, and frankly, DH never stood a chance at being able to be a "father" to SD anyway. Even with piles of information showing the contrary, SD believes BM when she plays the victim single mother "your father is a deadbeat" card, and if SD is going to be that f'ing gullible and stupid to believe that crock of shit, then they deserve each other. Both of them can just simmer in their sick ass sauce.