You are here

PAS does work for non- custodial parents also

stepintexas's picture

I am a BM as well as DH having his two. I have seen both sides, Step and Bio.
PAS comes from both sides.

Non custodial "friend" parents do alot of harm to the kids as well as their relationships with the custodial parent.

To clarify, guilty disney dads really screw with the kids perception of how life is, the reality. As a BM, my ex, who is disney to the extreme, has PAS'ed my bios against me to a degree, because you know I actually had TO BE the PARENT, while he is the buddy.

I guess I need to vent because my BK's think I am harsh because I am not the buddy mom- I have worked my ass off to guide and nurture them with principles and morals, while ex has done everything in his power to undermine me. I am so sick and tired of being the big bad boogey man while he gets to be the one who is adored for taking them to do whatever they want.

An example DD 18, (who DH and I do the serious stuff for, like helping her get her driver's license, paying for insurance, making sure she continues to work, making her pay for her own vehicle, helping her learn how the REAL world works) completely adores the man who is all disney, to the extent that she hid from me that daddykins was planning to take her to get her first tattoo, not that the want for a tattoo was a secret, but that daddy was taking her was.
I think it is creepy, she is his daughter, why not let her have the right of passage of getting a tattoo with friends? Why, oh why, did he have to take her? Because he is the buddy, and has to try and PAS me and then have a huge discussion on how I will react with her as well as my DS, Daddykins packed up him, his wife, DD, and DS to go get her special tattoo, and everyone oohhed and awwed over it then they all thought I would go ballistic. I knew she wanted one, we have dicussed it, no reason for me to go ballistic, just the fact that he and she HID the action from me. PAS- don't tell your mom.

I hate being the big bad wolf, you know the one who shows the kids to live the successful principled life- when he gets to be the one to have fun with them. And believe me, I am degraded by ex to my kids to their face for being who I am.

DD is a great kid, with really no behavior issues other than she thinks she knows everything, that's typical, so I KNOW I did well raising her, but I am just so tired of disney dad stepping on my toes and PASing them just to be cool.

Comments

stepintexas's picture

I haven't read it, guess I should.

She's 18 and will soon be out on her own. So, does divorce poison have any tips for older kids and adults who have been PAS'ed?
I just have gotten so sick and tired of being the one they watch like a hawk, like my behavior as a parent is in question because I actually HAD to parent.

stormabruin's picture

There is a book called "Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome" by Amy J L Baker.

The book doesn't necessarily talk about how to fight alienation, because by 18, the damage has likely already been done.

The author did interviews with 40 (I think) adults who were victims of alienation, & these individuals share their feelings about their situations & they share the situation through the eyes of the child/adult victim.

It isn't so much a "fix-it" type book, but has been incredibly helpful for DH & I, in that it helps us better understand what his kids have experienced & the things they've likely felt having been the children in all of it.

See if your local public library has it. If not, I absolutely feel it's worth purchasing a copy for yourself. I got mine on Ebay for like $4.

stepintexas's picture

I will get it.

Interesting, my mother tried PASing me against my father to a degree during my teen years. Talked shit about him ( he wasn't a stellar man or father by my own standards), but I have also come to realize she was doing things partly to keep my siblings and I on HER side. She is and will always be bitter about him. She has right, for the things he put her through, and there was alot, but she has no right degrading him to me.

I will read that and see if these stories match my own feelings towards the PAS I experienced and now experiencing with my own kids.

stormabruin's picture

I would be interested to know how your thoughts compare to those in the book. Of course, every situation is unique to a point, but I'm curious to know how closely your thoughts & feelings will compare.

stepintexas's picture

I am also wondering how my thoughts compare. I am also wanting to find whether the majority of PAS'ed adults come to realize how unhealthy the PASing parental tactics were when they reflected on it.

Willow2010's picture

Sad to say but I have seen DH PAS ss a few times over the years when he was NC. Small stuff like..."the cat hates it when you leave this house and just sits my your door for days waiting on you to come back" Total lie, and a terrible thing to tell a child.

stepintexas's picture

"But I have never said one bad word to the girls (now 30 and 35) about their dad. I am even somewhat friendly to him when I see him at family events. They have no clue that I hate his guts.

I won't say it's been easy, but it was the right thing to do."

That is just it- he can hate me all he wants-but why do that to them? Vengeful agressive attitude to get them to LIKE him more than me.

herewegoagain's picture

I see where you might consider SOME of this PAS, but not sure how her not telling you about a tattoo that her dad was taking her to get is PAS. Heck, I don't even agree with tattoos, but PAS is not being Disney dad, an over-indulgent dad, etc...that is being a DISNEY dad. PAS is telling the kids bad things about their mom or dad in order to get them to side with them. Being yourself, ie. being over-indulgent, heck, being a slut like crazy witch we have to deal with, is NOT PAS. It might be poor parenting, it might be different parenting, but not PAS.

Again, telling your kids you are a bad mother, telling them stuff like "you know how crazy she is, you know she doesn't really understand or love you, etc..." THAT is PAS.

PS - my husband is too nice to our son...he is not trying to alienate him from me, as our son does think I am just too strict, that is HIS DIFFERENT PARENTING personality...and that is all it is.

stepintexas's picture

"Again, telling your kids you are a bad mother, telling them stuff like "you know how crazy she is, you know she doesn't really understand or love you, etc..." THAT is PAS."

This is what I am faced with, both the above AND the disney dad. I guess I didn't make that clear, sorry.

I am forever the piece of shit mom, coupled with an ex who wins our kids over anyway he can.

To edit: "you know how crazy she is" has been said in front of DS, he was naive enough to repeat what discussions had happened between exh number 1 and exh number2
(who were brought together in their fight against big bad wolf me because I am obviously such a horrible biatch they felt the need to band together as buds). They were both abusive asses to me and exh1 used to tell oldest DD what a piece of shit I was, and since the two "bonded" over me my two bios with exh2 has had earfuls of how absolutely horibble I am.

Couple all that with disney dad and you have PAS against the custodial mom.

StepX2's picture

"...and then have a huge discussion on how I will react with her as well as my DS"

Telling his daughter and son how mom is going to react is a form of PAS. To say he KNOWS how mom is going to react is subjective and puts him in a better light with his kids.

stepintexas's picture

Exactly!

The only reason I know that this was said, is because DS (who now lives with exh because he is a teen and I let him go there to experience living with his dad) called. And first thing out of his mouth on the phone to DD (I was standing there when she answered- heard it all)was;

"Did you tell mom about your tattoo? Did she go ballistic like dad said she would?"

stepintexas's picture

And you can bet my every move is judged by my bios as to whether my behavior or reaction is "normal" or "crazy bitch" acording to exh's painting of the situation.

SMof2Girls's picture

BM's mother has been living with her in TX since she moved there last month. The skids just moved down there with her for the next 4 months. They'll move back here (maybe) mid-school year (brilliant idea, right? :sick: )

The grandmother is the one I'm more concerned about PAS'ing the skids. She's already said things like TX is so much better than MD because you never need to wear jackets .. it's like summer all year round .. we can go to the pool everyday .. it never rains or snows .. etc etc etc ..

So yeah, skids think they're going to paradise .. because short of correcting the blatant lies (like "it never rains in TX"), we can't tell them what a dry, HOT place it is (neither skid likes the heat .. they're happy at 80 degrees, even if there is a pool) because that's no better.

Skids will be sleeping in BM's bed, I'm sure, despite the therapist saying very explicitly that they shouldn't be doing that and it's not healthy. When they come back, they'll be back to a routine, sleeping in their own beds, doing homework, NOT watching tv for hours on end, etc .. and they will scream and protest and fight us .. oh the joys of being a responsible parent.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

Agreed. I too have been on all sides too. I'm even fixing to be a 40 yr. old nana, thanks to BS21 and DIL. :O
PAS is even coming towards BS1 from BM, through SS8. She is completely jealous of their bond and has even stated to me, alone; that she wants to have a baby by sugarstepdad. :O

Wonder why?

BM is deliberatly doing extra fun stuff now with SS8, to keep him from wanmting to come over to visit this family. Sick. BM seems to have her size 16 panties in a wad just because pop's is not entertaining SS8, and SS8 and BS1 are playing together, by themselves. Sick.

Wonder if she will PAS SS8 out when BS21 and DIL, have my 1st grandson? That will technically be SS8's nephew.