Once I serve him with 'D' papers
I know he's going to attempt communication with me but, talking to him just seems pointless to me. He'll go in to this whole 'charming guy' mode and tell me everything under the sun to get me to change my mind. He'll promise me everything will change and beg me to give him another chance. Of course I know, it will just be words with no actions to back it up. SSDD. He'll expect me to talk about all of it, which is all fine and good, except I already gave him millions of chances to talk. Ultimately, I'll end up on the nasty end of silent treatment or he'll rage. OR, he'll cry and try to make me feel as though I'm being unfair.
My family (excepy my brother) thinks I should hear him out and I think I should forward all of his calls to VM. I do have many things I'd like to say but, again, it's pointless at this stage of the game. We're not on different pages of the same book, we're not even in the same book anymore.
My plan is have him served at home Tuesday. Any other day and I'd have to have him served at work. I don't want to be that horrible about this. I just want and end to this farce of a marriage. Any suggestions?
- AlreadyGone's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Well, I've already left. I
Well, I've already left. I spent 8 yrs. trying to talk and all it ever got me was passive aggressive BS, flat out lies to my face, or the silent treatment. This divorce will come as a complete shock to him as I have always tried to make things work. I no longer have the desire to try.
I am not seeking anything financially. I simply want to retrieve my personal belongings and be done with it.
I'm really thinking VM and nothing more at this point. He has charmed me in to a pseudo-sumbission many times before, I'd like to avoid all of that this time around, if ya KWIM, lol.
Thanks for the advice, as I weigh my options.
You have made some
You have made some interesting points and I thank you for taking the time to reply.
I don't want reconciliation. I wanted (past tense) things to work, and bent as far as I could to the point of breaking. I hoped that when the kids became adults, our life would smooth out but, when idiots reproduce, no good can ever come of it. It bothers me only b/c we never fought about anything... except the kids or BM (and the MIL getting her nose in to things.) It just became unbearable knowing that I would always be the odd man out.
BTW, love your tag line, "If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse." Too bad STBXH always had excuses. Guess I just wasn't that important.
Well, since you made marriage
Well, since you made marriage vows to this man, I think you owe it to both of you to hear him out.
Marriage is supposed to be, you know, forever. If you are hell bent on breaking your vows (and there can be some mighty good reasons to do that!) then hear him out and move forward with the divorce.
I think that having "unfinished business" on either side's part results in issues further down the line. He could stall the divorce because he doesn't feel like you've heard where he's coming from, for instance.
I know when I was ready to divorce, I was READY. There was NO turning back. Nothing would have changed my mind...not even him contracting a terminal illness.
To catch you up on my
To catch you up on my situation... http://www.steptalk.org/node/77057
I know marriage is forever. I took my vows very seriously and worked hard at making 'it' work. Unfortunately, harder than he did. It is now apparent that his adult children and their constant 'wants' will always take priority over our marriage and THEY know it. While I expect him to try to talk me out of this, my mind is pretty much made up. I mean he would have to do a complete 180 to change my feelings and while he will 'appear' to do just that, it will all be just word salad. SSDD. Which is why I am left thinking that I should make a clean break with no contact. Just wanted a little feedback I guess.
Thanks for your advice, I appreciate hearing other POV's. Especially when things are so off kilter.
I think I need to do a blog with a short version of my story so there isn't any confusion, lol. I get ahead of myself sometimes.
Ms. Echo, you'll notice that
Ms. Echo, you'll notice that I also stated that when my mind was made up, NOTHING would change it.
I readily admit I'm divorced. No secret there!
Given the vows and the expectation that marriage is a life long thing, I think she owes it to both of them to hear him out. It may not change anything as far as she is concerned. I know that having "closure" often serves BOTH parties well. She probably has all that she needs, as she is spearheading the effort. He, however... sounds like he has something to say and wants to be heard. Provided he's not an abusive asshole, I think that makes a lot of sense.
I was NOT stating that "divorce is wrong."
I know that I've talked it to
I know that I've talked it to death. I have begged, pleaded, and compromised myself to the point of surrender where his adult kids are concerned. I never dug my heels in with a NO. I simply offered alternate solutions to ridiculously bad parenting techniques. If I didn't get flat out ignored, I would be told that what I was saying made perfect sense and it was fair, only to have him do the exact opposite. He even admitted recently that he knew that he was never going to follow through with the compromise, and only agreed to it to keep me from getting mad at that moment. (Which to me is the same thing as a flat out lie.) When I became angry at that, I was given the silent treatment until HE was done being mad. It didn't matter if I was still upset or not. Eventually, he would promise to try harder and make some much needed changes and I would give him another chance. Over and over again this kind of thing happened. I finally stopped talking and became more closed off from him. I stopped being around when the kids came over, I didn't participate in his family gatherings or celebrations... no B-Day parties, holidays, vacations, graduations, etc. I didn't see the point. I was invisible anyway.
Bottom line is, I waited for his words to match his actions and they never did.... at least not enough to make any real difference.
I had my divorce papers drawn up 5 months ago and have been sitting on them, hoping for some kind of miracle. This last episode really threw me in to overdrive I guess and here I am.
Truth is there isn't anything left to say, because he has proven time and again that his words are meaningless. I am expected to change in order to get along in THEIR world. There will never be any compromise unless I choose to compromise myself and my values. Not going to happen.
Thanks for letting me vent, lol.
Echo, you're welcome to think
Echo, you're welcome to think my advice is useless. I never suggested you take it.
I also try not to make assumptions. She may have talked it to death already, but OP hadn't said that.
She even said she's "pretty sure" it's done. THAT is not done done.