the other 'D' word
that no husband wants to hear... Depression!
My husband heard it this weekend and didn't take it well. It started when he found a piece of paper on the counter with some numbers and comments on it, he asked what it was and I told him that I had set up an appointment for myself to talk to some one about... I just motioned to the kids bedroom were they were. I reminded him that it has been 6 week since they had SS8 test and NOTHING had changed.
During that testing 6 weeks ago it came out that out of all of the parents I was the most concerned, I brushed it off that I was a SAHM so I saw more but turns out everyone should be concerned. SS8 has ADHD and Autism. He also made comments about be afraid of hurting himself. With my fears confirmed, the results in hand BM and DH were going to get right on it. yeah right.
The real issue with SS8 and myself is that he wants a mother's attention and doesn't get any from BM. So he hangs on me, follows me around, talks non-stop, cries if I get upset at him, cries for no reason half the time, fights with SS6 (whom BM loves), wants to 'cuddle' with me and only me. He does not want DH. (i explained this in the meeting too) but it drains me. I thought if I gave him some 'mommy' time each day it would get better but it has gotten worse he wants more. Its hard to fill shoes that were intended for someone else! DH doesn't get that, he loves that SS8 loves me.
After he found that paper I also told him that I was calling to make an appointment for fertility testing. We have bee trying for almost a year and I want to go ahead a set that appointment up, if er get pregnant then I can cancel it. I am going to be 30 this year and I don't want to wait too long. He thinks we should just keep trying. I told him that I get the impression that he doesn't care about having a baby as much as I do because he has two already.
Saturday was a good day i will admit and DH was on a little high from it. Kids were go and everyone was happy.
Sunday i got a call about my busted computer and as I was explaining it to Dh, he heard my voice crack a little. He got worried. I love my computer and DH is always worried about money. It will cost a bit to get it fixed and I was afraid to ask him. It was a real eye opener form him. He asked why I needed it, I havent been playing very many games (i used to play a lot) "Maybe it's because I am depressed?" he got really quiet and worried. Needless to say we are getting it fixed.
But I haven't been into my games, I am an artist but I can't even draw right now, I just don't feel like doing anything. none of that dawn on him until this weekend, he joked that he thought he was just changing me.
It's not just SS8, BM or trying to have a baby, it's everything. I know that saying "You knew what you were getting into when you married him" honestly I did to a point but since saying I do it's has gotten worse and no one expects that when you are planning your wedded bliss.
I have always had anxiety and stress issues but I had found a way to deal with it until now. I feel like I just need to talk to someone about what is going on. My guess it at some point they will suggest couples therapy, because DH and I clearly aren't on the same page.
I guess the really question is does Therapy/counseling ever work?
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It can but you need to talk
It can but you need to talk to someone who's actually GOOD. I'll tell you this much, if the therapist tries pinning any of it on you, find a new one. I've gone through a few of them because it always seems to turn into "Well, what can you do to BOND with your skids?" and I'm like "NO, I don't WANT TO BOND, I want to be able to vent out why I can't stand them!"
I don't mind bonding so much
I don't mind bonding so much but i can't stand being smothered! And it's hard for DH to understand that it's not my kid and I don't have that burning desire for him hang on me 24/7. i love him don't get me wrong but as I am sure you know it's a different kind of love. it's all made worse by the ADHD.
Hello- Sounds like you are
Hello-
Sounds like you are having a hard time. I was there not too long ago, and my DH just couldn't understand why I was struggling so much. I felt like I was loosing my mind and rally needed someone to talk to. I couldn't really find anyone to talk to and had no idea where to turn. Yes most people think that being a step-mom is just rewarding because you get a kid right away. They have no idea how hard it can be even when the kid isn't outright rude to you. So I found a book "Stepmonster" I don't know if it's right for everyone, but it really helped me, it covers all of the emotions that stepmoms feel and why they feel that way. It helped me feel.... less alone. I had my DH read it too so that he could see my point of view and I'm not sure he understood completely but it helped a lot. I haven't tried therapy yet, not for step parenting anyway. But the book does say that it can be crucial for step families. It also says that if you do get a therapist, you need to make sure that the therapist has been trained in step family therapy. A therapist who isn't can be detrimental. Check out http://www.stepfamilies.info/. The National stepfamily resource center. It has a list of therapists in each state that have been trained. It also has book recommendations and lots of people who are willing to help. I emailed them to ask a question and they got back to me the same day. Hope this helps, I wish you all the best. Also you can message me if you need to talk in the future
thanks I will look into this,
thanks I will look into this, I didn't even think about telling them that I was a step-mom when I called. I just told them that I am overwhelmed and I have a history.
Also they asked me if I had a preference on gender. I said no and they assigned me to a man, would it be better to talk to a woman? or does it really matter?
I have thought about reading that book but I am a horrible reader and I know DH won't read it.
I'm not sure that gender
I'm not sure that gender matters as long as you feel comfortable that they can relate to you. A therapist is kind of like a marriage in that you need to make they are the right fit you. No matter what training they have compatibility is major factor. I would definitely check into the step family therapist though, I read about some horror stories where untrained therapists did more harm than good in step family relationship, where the therapist made the step mom feel guilty instead of validating the emotional things that naturally occur and giving her a way to break through them.
I get that reading isn't for everyone, but it really helped, the other one I read that is an easier read, it's just a bunch of essay style entries instead of a structured novel, "Encouraging Words for New Stepmothers" is also really good, it's a very uplifting book, with a lot of tips for how to deal. One of the common things I keep hearing is that it takes about 5-6 years minimum for a step family to really get their groove and it's an uphill battle. I don't know how long you have been a stepmom, but hang in there!
The fact that he cares and is
The fact that he cares and is worried about you is a great sign. That said, sometimes we really just need some breathing room. Stop, empty yourself, and take some time off. Your mental and emotional health depends on it.
Even if you have to push everything to another day, get four days to a week for yourself where you do nothing whatsoever, see no one, and deal with nothing. It might be hard to mentally let go but it will be worth it. It can give you renewed energy to deal with everything.
Good luck and feel better!
it's funny that you say this.
it's funny that you say this. I am originally from another state and I have wanted to visit there. I kept telling my friends and family that I would come down in the fall but now DH doesn't know it we will be able to make it. So I am considering asking my grandma (who has a lot of money) if she will help fund my trip and just take a long weekend by myself.