Coping with childlessness
I've read a few posts lately from SMs who are childless, and I'm hoping that some of you may have resources you've found that helped you deal with it.
I'm 42, went through premature menopause at 36. My (at the time) husband was on board with adoption as well. Unfortunately, he went crazy (not an exaggeration - long story) before we got anywhere on the adoption, and I ended up divorcing him.
My (now) DH is 17 yrs older than I am, has 3 grown kids, a 22 y/o vasectomy, and zero interest in having more kids. I really believed that I was resigned to being childless, but there are times it just kills me. He's supportive and understanding, and he gets that it's a grief that will probably never go away.
And sometimes I'm so ANGRY about it. I didn't have kids in my 20s and early 30s because I believe you should not have them until you're financially and emotionally secure. If you can't afford to care for children, don't have them. So I waited - and my body screwed me over 
. And I get to support people who don't have the same responsibility while they have kid after kid, effortlessly.
Honestly, if my skids were still children, I don't think I could handle it. It kills me when I think of things like baking cookies, going school shopping, reading books, etc., that I will never get to do with my kids - having young skids would be too "in your face" even if they were the best skids on earth and their BM was my BFF!
So, my sympathies to those of you who are childless not by choice, and if any of you have found ways to deal with it, please share.
Thanks!
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Comments
I'm not in your shoes. I
I'm not in your shoes. I cannot pretend to "know how you feel". I can say that I am sorry. I do understand the feeling of being ANGRY at times about things in life that you feel "cheated" out of.
I'm sending ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) to you.
Thank you. I appreciate the
Thank you. I appreciate the hug!
Have you tried individual
Have you tried individual therapy with a good therapist. Sometimes if you are just stuck on an issue a good therapist can be a gem, not in helping you forget what happened, but in helping you live more positively so the tragic event isn't an anchor weighing you down.
Best of luck.
I have thought about it - I
I have thought about it - I think working in the medical field makes me less able to contemplate actually going to therapy (silly, I know). But it's what I'd suggest to someone else in my shoes, too.
My dream was to adopt, for
My dream was to adopt, for that reason - all those children out there who need a home. So when I first found out I COULDN'T have kids, it wasn't too devastating (other than being an "old woman" at 36). And I have for YEARS ranted about the fact that there are way too many people in the world already, so why do people feel the need to have tons of kids? Especially the ones who shouldn't be in charge of a family of sea monkeys? Unemployed, substance-abusing losers NEVER seem to suffer from infertility! :?
I also intentionally put off
I also intentionally put off having children until I was in a position to be able to care for them.
Sometimes I find myself wishing I'd had one or two with my exH, even knowing I'd have to deal with custody arranements & all. They'd be MY kids & they'd love me. Then I have to remind myself about what an arrogant uppity shit-ass he was & I face the reality that if I'd had children with him, I wouldn't have been in a situation I'd have been willing to leave. So, I know that I made the right choice in waiting.
Then there's the anger that comes from seeing these selfish pathetic completely useless women spitting baby-after-baby out of their crotch that, were it not for the perks of CS & welfare, they wouldn't think twice about ditching them in a dumpster. And here I sit ready & wanting & it will never happen for me.
I also believe that it just wasn't in the cards for me.
When I met DH, BM was gone. He couldn't hunt her down to see her kids. At that time, I felt that maybe it was just where I needed to be. They didn't have a mom & they both needed & wanted one. I didn't have kids, & I'd determined that I loved them enough that they could fill that void for me.
My mistake came in not realizing that, while they needed & wanted a mom, they weren't wanting A mom. They wanted THIER mom, & she didn't want them.
Even with all of it, I don't regret my choice. I still feel like I'm where I need to be. It just isn't what I'd planned on.
Being a mom is such a big part of life & has such an impact on children. Without that, I struggle to figure out what MY purpose is. If it isn't being a mom, I don't know what I can accomplish in my lifetime that will be meaningful to anyone after me if they aren't my kids.
I don't know if I have any
I don't know if I have any one resource. I also only thought to have kids when I was married and ready to have them. Unfortunately I didn't get married until I was 37. Plus, my husband had already had 2 kids and a vasectomy. He told me up front he didn't want any more kids and I respected that decision(even if I wasn't happy about it). I got very depressed our first year of marriage and after seeing a therapist realized I was depressed about kids. So I told dh, and he asked if I was going to leave him. I said no. What were the chances that I would find another guy who would love me the way he did and be lucky enough to get married in a few short years. Years later I found out I couldn't have kids anyway.
Do I have trouble sometimes? Yes. Does Mother's Day absolutely piss me off? Yes. I try to think that fate brought us together and has me here for a reason. Bm is crazy and is especially nasty to my sd. For no reason. I have been the one to do things for sd that bm won't. Also, bm refuses to do a lot of things in support of the skids so it is almost like dh and I are their parents because we take care of and do that stuff. Is it the same. I don't know. I can't really miss something I never had. I would never trade dh for a mythical child. We very much enjoy our time together and are very active with Little League, golf and sports in general.
Ha. I have one big fat cat
Ha. I have one big fat cat and she is my baby girl!
Have you thought about
Have you thought about getting a pet? I know everyone says you can't compare kids and pets, but my dog has brought me SO much joy the last 11 years. I too am childless, 41, ttc, with one SD. I find it gets harder every time she is here. I've raised my dog since he was 8 weeks and we are so bonded. The obvious downside is I pretty much worry everyday about when he won't be here anymore. But in the meantime I give him a great life!
I also think therapy is a great idea. One time in therapy after another failed relationship, my therapist said something like - 'you know, it's OK if you don't have kids'. I hadn't even brought the topic up. She said she was childless and happy, and had great stepkids. Oh the irony... But she put my mind at ease, like yeah take some pressure off not everyone is meant for that. I married later in life, knew I didn't want to just get married for the sake of it. I relish my free time and independence. Suggestion #3, look at the positives of having your freedom and alone time with your wonderful husband.
I had a hard time before I
I had a hard time before I had my daughter. It has improved since I had my own. Have you thought about adoPtion? I don't know how old you are and whether this is an option for you....