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how in the hell is this my fault????

nowhere to turn's picture

Submitted by nowhere to turn on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 11:35am

So yesterday was our 4th appt with the counseler, and for anyone that has been reading my blog you would know the struggles I have endured at the hands of my SS10. Up until late yesterday afternoon I have been hopeful that counseling was going to help with his behavior but yesterdays appt took a sharp left turn and has left me more pissed and hurt then ever!

Up until yesterday all of the appts have been centered around SS violent and nasty behavior towards me and my children so I thought yesterdays appt would be the same since that's the whole reason why we are there. Instead the counseler grilled me for an hour and a half about my detatchment from SS, my treatment of SS, and my parenting style. He said that after gathering all the info he feels in his "professional" opinion that I have been handeling the situation all wrong and I am the one that needs the counseling and parenting classes. I was livid to say the least!! I told the counseler, how in the hell can you say that when I have 2 children of my own that I have single handedly raised and they are responsible, loving, well adjusted kids but this little monster that I have only been around for 3 years has been a complete physco since the day I met him. The counseler told me that he feels that SS is reacting to his enviroment and feels like my feelings towards him are different. You bet your sweet ass their different! Why would they be the same? This monster has put me and my kids thru pure hell for years with no consequences and he's getting away with it again! It makes me so mad that another person now feels sorry for him and I am once again the evil stepmom! The counseler said that I need to learn how to parent this child... I am not his fucking parent!!! My DH sat there in the rooom completely silent, never uttered a single word to stand up for me. When we left the appt all he said to me u didn't really handle yourself well in there! Omg I am so pissed. What the hell do I do now???

Comments

stepintexas's picture

Submitted by stepintexas on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 11:47am

Yes!!!! A new counselor is in order now, this one knows nothing about step dynamics and will box you in quick for being the problem!!!!!

I so despise counselors who are not "up to speed" so to speak with step family dynamics, they cause way more harm than good to their patients!

just tired's picture

Submitted by just tired on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 11:47am

All counselors are not created equal. Find a new one. And don't let this make you think SS's bad behavior is your fault. It's not.

hanneyh1's picture

Submitted by hanneyh1 on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 11:48am

I agree with Cheyenne. I would find a new counselor especially because you are paying HIM! He may be right that you are treating him differently but it's for the exact reason you stated yourself! He was never acting in a manner that warranted any sort of acceptance or positive reactions and treatment from you. You are very right! You are NOT his parent. And you deserve the respect of this kid anyhow. WTF was DH thinking?! the whole reason you went to counselling was not to be chastised, but to fix the obvious behavior problems your SS has. You obviously know very well how to parent as you have the two of your own and they turned out just fine. Yes, every child requires slightly different styles of parenting, but seriously? After hearing all about what this kid has done to you and yours, where does he get the idea that you are the problem? UGH! I'm so sorry you had to deal with that b.s. from both the counselor and DH. I would seek out a new counselor.

stepintexas's picture

Submitted by stepintexas on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 11:50am

And hell no to the counselor saying that you need to learn how to parent this child-he is not yours to PARENT- get rid of the lser counselor NOOOOWWWWWW!

justanothergurlNJ's picture

Submitted by justanothergurlNJ on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 12:59pm

^AGREED^. I DO NOT and will NEVER parent BFs kids. It is NOT my job they have parents. BM is a lazy ass who can't be bothered to teach them how to behave. BF is turning into what is refered to here as a Disney Dad, I do however try to guide him on how to undo the damges cuntzilla does, but its hard to correct naughty behavior on a EOW basis. Parent them myself HELL TO THE NO, NOT MY JOB! and I don't want it!

Annanymous's picture

Submitted by Annanymous on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 12:08pm

WOW :jawdrop:

I am surprised you didn't say "I am NOT his mother, if you have a problem with SS's parenting, talk to his PARENT;*I* am the parent of his victims, you know, the other kids in the house that he bullies" then glare at DH.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 12:11pm

Get a new counselor. This one does not understand blended families. We had one that was similar and never went back. Another one kept telling me to leave DH....I have a great one individually, but have never found one for us as a family.

RainbowsAndDaisies's picture

Submitted by RainbowsAndDaisies on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 12:40pm

find a new counselor. preferably one who specializes in blended families. we went through three counselors before we found one who "got" it. mind you, i have raised ss8 with dh since ss was 2, minimal to no involvement from bm ever, dh has sole legal and physical custody. we took him to counseling bc his mother had abandoned him and exposed him to very inappropriate places, people, situations. the first counselor refused to look at me or speak to me, immediately asked for permission to call bm, got her voicemail, never got a response, did not let us know if she had talked to her at all until we badgered her about it, and had ss color pics about school. the second counselor turned out to have racist tendencies (im hispanic, my husband is african american, ss8 is mixed african american/white). the third just got it. dh and i also see a different counselor together (taht took a couple tries too). we have found that alot of counselors out there have a god complex. this, however, does not make them right.

nowhere to turn's picture

Submitted by nowhere to turn on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 12:45pm

I agree completely with all of u that we need to find a new therapist asap but I am afraid that the damage may already be done. The entire session was said while SS10 was in the room, he sat there and listened to everything. He has a total holier than thou attitude today and is acting like such a smug little ass. So ofcourse he got a free pass at his behavior and that is so scary for me. On top of all of that my DH is no longer in my corner. In a conversation with him last night I told him we need to find a new counseler and he just looked at me and said, "so are we just gonna keep going to different drs until u get the answer u want?" I was heart broken. I know he doesn't want to admit his flesh and blood has a serious problem but now I feel like the sacrificial lamb to slaughter. I am being used as a scape goat and that is a much easier pill for him to swallow. My MIL is also fueling the fire. Ofcourse my DH called her last night to update her on her precious, darling grandson and she said to him well ofcourse SS is gonna act out if "she" is gonna treat him like crap!! I don't treat him like crap, I am so tired of all of this bs. I just want out while I still have a portion of my sanity

Soledad_16's picture

Submitted by Soledad_16 on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 1:17pm

In my opinion, I am 1/2 in agreeance with you and 1/2 not. I do think that the previous years of parenting is more likely an indicator or the lack of discipline in regards to this child's behaviour. Divorce, remarrying and siblings are always hard changes on children. I agree with most comments. You NEED a new counsellor. This one is not meeting your families needs and trying to blame you alone is not very professional. 4 appointments is not enough time to make an educated guess as to what you all need to be harmonious and well behaved at home.

However, I hope "monster" and "psyco" are names this child has never heard you use because this will make his behaviour seemed justified to himself. He's not accepted. Regardless of what the truth is. That would be his perception. The comment you made about not being a parent is untrue. You are not his biological parent but you are his stepparent. I know you would not ever want anything to happen to a child and would wish the best as most adults do. You DO need to figure out a way to parent this child WITH your spouse. This shouldn't all be on YOU! You two are a team!

I think how you feel is justified and natural. But remember when you are finished being upset, hurt, confused and a little betrayed for not being stood up for, use your common sense and intelligence to find a different solution. I wish you all the best. I wish you some patience and peace. I know how stressful this can get. Ask for help. Take some down time for yourself. Definitely get a new counsellor and hopefully with help you can be a happy family.

Hugs take care

nowhere to turn's picture

Submitted by nowhere to turn on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 2:14pm

The problem is I truly love my husband so much, he is so good to me and my bio kids, this is the only stress we have in our relationship. He himself has said that his son has never allowed him to have a relationship, he has chased all his former gfs away, I am the only one that has stuck around. I exchanged vows with him for better or for worse, I did not exchange vows with his son. Maybe I do need some counseling right now to deal with my anger and resentment but at this point I am so scared of my future. I don't want this little shit to win, what the hell will that prove? It will show him he has all the power in the world and he will get real scary then and my DH will never be happy. I am stuck between a serious rock and a hard place. My brain is telling me to do one thing and my heart is telling me another.

Gabriels Mom's picture

Submitted by Gabriels Mom on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 2:39pm

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I'm sure he is good to you and your children but what effect does this little sh*t have on your kids? Bullying them is not good for them emotionally.

SS came home from BMs with a serious attitude one day...still have no idea what his problem was but he pushed my son off the couch...I think he was like 18 months at the time. DH handled it but I told him straight up. "I love SS, I really do, but if this kind of thing continues I will pack up and leave so fast it'll make your head spin." He understands that while I love SS my son takes priority.

nowhere to turn's picture

Submitted by nowhere to turn on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 3:08pm

I thank all of u so much for your comments and opinions, it is so comforting to me that I am not alone in this and that their is unfortunately a lot of other people out there going thru the same crap. I didn't expect it to be like the brady bunch but I sure as hell didn't expect any of this. I look at SS and he makes me just want to puke, his attitude sucks soooo bad. Its only a matter of time before me makes me snap, it takes every once of my being to not just bend him right over my knee and give him a good old spanking with a wooden spoon, just like we used to get in the good old days. Maybe that's the problem now a days!

cant win for losin's picture

Submitted by cant win for losin on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 9:33pm

Its like i have said to my fdh when i was banning his kid from the house,

"I only have 7 more years with my kids. I dont want them telling me 15 years from now, that the last seven years at my house was horrid. That they hated it, that they dreaded comin home." All because of fdh kid.

I would stop goin to that counselor and i would find a counselor just for you for a while.