"SS9 is moving in today, can you make room for his stuff upstairs?"
...UM, WHAT?
Last I heard CAS was supposed to be calling us and letting us know what was going on with SS9. Well, BF is at work and called me up and told me BM called him with another update (because, apparently we have to hear things from HER first, CAS second). I guess today BM, SS9, Grandma & the CAS worker sat down and had a 'meeting' in which Grandma was found "unfit" to care for SS9 after everything that transpired in the past couple months.
So... I'm at home today, BF wants me to have everything ready for SS9 when he gets here. I love how I'm the LAST person to know ANYTHING. I get my notice like 10min before things happen, where it's too late for me to give my opinion... which apparently doesn't matter anyway.
I just feel sad and taken advantage of. SS2 is one thing - you know, he's a baby. He takes his naps, he goes to daycare. I get a BREAK. SS9... well, I'm going to have him with me 24/7. No more just packing up SS2 and taking him to the mall with me to look at girly things or animals, now I have to convince a 9 year old to come with me. Or just do nothing. Not to mention in order for me to be the mother of a 9 year old, I would have to have given birth at age 11 (or 12 I guess). IMPOSSIBLE. No wonder the kid doesn't respect me as an adult. And he's going to want to use my laptop and stuff... the last time he used my laptop he went on my Facebook, took screenshots of my private conversations with friends (talking about drinking, etc) and posted them on his Facebook for people like BM to see. UGH!
I don't know what I'm going to do. This hole is so deep I can't even see the opening anymore. I jokingly said to BF when he called, "Wow, this is going to be one hell of a full house." His response? "You brought more bodies into it than I did and you don't hear me complaining." (When we moved in together I brought with me 2 cats, 1 dog, 1 fish and 1 bearded dragon). Okay, I'm sorry - animals and children are two ENTIRELY different situations... They don't come with full wardrobes, clothes, etc. But whatever.
I just feel so overwhelemed and SS9 isn't even here yet. I talked to my Mom about everything and she basically told me, Take a deep breath... it might not be that bad. You won't know until he gets here and you get settled in your routine.
I can only hope she's right, I'm so anxious and stressed right now. Wahhh. 
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What a dickhead response. I'd
What a dickhead response. I'd take all your bodies of animals and leave him tending to his brat pack. What an asshole.
I don't know the back story
I don't know the back story regarding your ss9, so unsure whether he is at risk at in his present environment. THAT said, I would not be sitting on my laurels if my partner chivalerously rung me up to tell me I have extra work and responsibilities, that he is moving in another child WITHOUT discussing it with me first. My response would be to laugh and put the phone down.
Disrespectful behaviour towards me reaps the same response from me, albeit in reason.
Your bf should have discussed this with you first, got your POV, made arrangements to shoulder the responsiblity of his son and then helped prepare your home ready for him. Not TELL you whats happening.
I would be telling bf to make his own arrangements for his son. Sorry.
Oh my, you are WAY too young
Oh my, you are WAY too young to deal with this...and really, WTH is that "you make room upstairs for him?" HE as the father needs to do this stuff. If you do NOT step up now and demand that HE does things for HIS kids, then he will forever expect you to do things for his kids, while he sits on his butt.
If you weren't there and he was at work, it would just not get done until he left work OR he would have had to leave work.
Oh yeah, I knew it was
Oh yeah, I knew it was "maybe" going to happen, but I was thinking he was going to choose to stay with his BioDad instead of BF (father figure for 5 years) but I guess not. And even then, we met with our caseworker on Friday, I didn't think we'd know what was happening 5 days later. She made it sound like it'd be WEEKS... so nothing is ready. I don't even know where this kid is going to sleep. With SS2 I suppose ...
Me either! And the funny part is, he complains about my animals all the time. I actually said this to him during that conversation and he's like, "Well, only when they stink." LOL, should I start complaining every time your kids stink? Maybe I'll go get another kitten, tell BF I need something to relieve all the STRESS in my life. Bahah.
Well, he raised the kid for 5
Well, he raised the kid for 5 years and even after BF and BM broke up SS9 still came on visitation with SS2. If BF didn't/doesn't step up and allow the kid to stay with us, he would have to be placed in foster care. BF doesn't want that, and if I really think about it neither do I. I'm just pissed at the disregard for my feelings and opinion, but if it came down to it I would never disallow it. The kid has been tossed around enough.
And there should be
And there should be consequences for the disregard for your opinion and feelings. Otherwise, you can expect more of the same in the future.
I am going to copy an paste
I am going to copy an paste my last reply to one of your last post...hope it sinks in this time.....
"UGH…I am going to be as gentle as I can when I tell you…You are being used for a piece of ass and built in babysitter."
I RARELY point to running from a relationship...but you are being used in this one an you are so young. You will look back and regret the time wated on this man. Take my word for it. Sorry!
The hard part is, until SS2
The hard part is, until SS2 starting living with us (in March) things were SO PERFECT. BF was great to me, he wanted to take care of me, provide for me, took me places, cooked me dinner every night, basically threw money at me for whatever to 'spoil' myself with, he treated me like gold, just wanted to be close to me all the time, would sit and listen to me talk about my life for hours... then SS2 came and all of a sudden I took the back seat. He's so old fashioned in where he seriously thinks child-rearing is the woman's job while the man should work to support the family. (He's told me he doesn't want me to get a job so I can raise the kids - HELL NO. I went to college for 3 years, I'm getting a job. Maybe when I have MY OWN kids I'll stay home and raise them). He basically expects me to just step into the Mother position and us have this perfect little family. Except it's not my family, I feel like an outsider. I've told him I care about SS2, but I definitely told him I know I'd love my own kids more. Which is why he doesn't want to have kids with me. .. Kinda my own fault, but anyway, off topic...
It's just hard to forget how good things were before the kids came along. I felt like I mattered. And now for the past 4-5months I HAVE felt like a glorified nanny and it's like... what the hell. :/ I know it can be better than this, I just am wondering if BF is stressed and not ready to be a full time Dad but essentially has no choice (if not for him, kids go into foster care). I know he NEEDS my help, and I love him so I want to help but... I do feel walked on sometimes. :/
"I know he NEEDS my help" So,
"I know he NEEDS my help"
So, what would he do if you were not in the picture? Not take the kid, put him in camp or whatever? That's what he needs to do. You are being used.
And, you want your own kids someday but he says he won't have kids with you? WTF?
Why are you still with this asshole?
Yeah, he doesn't want you to work so you have no money and no way out!
I agree with this. Why the
I agree with this. Why the hell does he need help? he didn't need help procreating with the BM. Now he needs help?
I would really, really listen
I would really, really listen to what Willow2010 is saying. You are so young and shouldn't be dealing with this at all. Go live your life, be 21, and let him deal with his mess.
Ugh. Men are so stupid. You
Ugh. Men are so stupid. You are not these children's mother. He is the parent (well, I guess of at least one of them)-if he wants them in the house then HE needs to take care of them, not you. If you, as his partner, want to help him out on occassion I think that's ok-but they should not ever be your primary responsibility. It is not good for you nor is it good for the kids. So sad. What happens if you guys break up in 5 years? He will trot some new mom out for them. And all this time, love, money or whatever else you invested in these kids will all be down the drain as you will have no rights to ever see them again. The ONLY person this situation works for is your man, because he is lazy and wants to have these kids in his home, but does not wish to do the work of raising them himself. Trust me, been there, done that I speak from experience.
I don't know that you love
I don't know that you love your own kids more as much as differently, there is a bond that you share because you have been there with them every moment.
I think it says a lot about your DH that he is willing to not just step up to the plate and care for his child. That should be expected, but he is willing to take on SS9. That says a lot about his values.
You are still in an adjustment period with all the changes. I would suggest you and DH make a weekly date night- stick to it, its non negotiable. It might need to change nights but it happens weekly. It can be something as simple as movie night at your house. Kids with gma. Nothing fancy, but allows for the much needed connection time.
Keep your expectations low, and work on accepting and blending the family. ss9 knows he doesn't belong either. I might wait on getting things ready for him tell he gets there and say let's tackle this together. Let him pick out his space and create it.
Good luck. I would do some research on blending families. Read it sll and know it may or may not work for your family. But be informed.
But he is not "stepping up to
But he is not "stepping up to the plate", he expects her, the woman to take care of his kids. Would he be so willing without her?
And he was perfectly willing to let Grandma take the boy but she was found unfit.
I think it is depended on the
I think it is depended on the couple. She has stated that his feeling was the he worked and provided for his family and his expectation is that she stays at home with the family.
In that thought he has not shirked his responsibily.
I married a man with kids- I did not expect to be the center of his world, we were not going to enjoy a typical marriage as if we were newlyweds with no responsibilities. I said I do- to love honor and cherish through it all. And we've had a lot more trying times than pleasant ones of late. But through it all I supported my husband and did what I could to make his life easier....as I expect him to do for me.
Thank you, I do appreciate
Thank you, I do appreciate helpful advice like that. I have NO experience in this whatsoever but right now BM has effed up big time and the kids need a strong female in their life and like I said, I care about the boys and I love my BF. It would look really shitty of me to take off at a time like this just because his kids are here!
Luckily BF is totally behind me 100% when it comes to disciplining SS2. If I say something, even if he disagrees/being too strict he backs me up. And then speaks to me after about it, never infront of the kid. SS2 goes to bed at 8pm and we take turns bathing him every night, etc. We've got that routine down, it will just be different with SS9.
When we first discussed the possibility of SS9 coming here, I told BF straight out there would be RULES. SS2 and SS9 were basically left to tend to themselves with BM, ate McDonald's every night, no bed time, no chores, etc. So it's totally an adjustment. I think 9 is a reasonable bed time too (as oppose to staying up 'til 4am like BM let him), and I also told BF that SS9 will be expected to bathe every other day, brush his teeth daily (a prior UNHEARD of expectation for the kid). I want him to take out the garbages, bring his and SS2's laundry downstairs to the laundry room every 3 days. I want us to start eating at the table instead of infront of the TV. If we're going to do this, I want to do it RIGHT.
BF wasn't raised in a family, he bounced back and fourth between his Mom & Grandma and never had a Dad. And even when he was with BM they both took advantage of dumping SS9 on whoever (BM and BF broke up when BM was pregnant with SS2). I, on the other hand, was raised in a family with a Mom and a Dad, my brother. I was never dumped off on weekends so my parents could go party, we weren't even left alone over night with a babysitter until we were 10 and 7. Totally different circumstances so I guess I have different standards than BF, but he is open to my suggestions. He admits he has no clue what he is doing and I think that's partially why he wants me to play such a big role because he turned out a loser for most of his life (he was 30 when he started getting his shit together) and I'm 20 and have a pretty damn good head on my shoulders.
I don't know. It will be an interesting journey. And I'm sure I'll be here to rant alot LOL.
"It would look really shitty
"It would look really shitty of me to take off at a time like this just because his kids are here!"
Yes, but there seem to be other issues with your relationship as well, but only you know what is best for you. If it is what you want, I do hope it works out for you.
"You brought more bodies into
"You brought more bodies into it than I did and you don't hear me complaining."
-I didn't expect you to suddenly take care of them either.
I do agree with others. Animals and kids are two different things. He should have talked to you first. Now you have to figure out how you are going to respond. That's all you can control. I'm sorry this happened, but either you have to sit back and take it; you stay and outline what you will and won't do; or you move out.
Personally, I wouldn't accept being given no choice in this situation. If you don't respect me enough to give me a heads up and ask, then I don't need to do shit for you or your kid.
How many people on here do
How many people on here do you think have said "If I knew then what I know now I would have made a different choice."?
A lot of the people on here have been right where you are...they know how this will turn out. They are trying to save you from the heartache they have lived thru or still live with...
If he doesn't consider your feelings now...he never will. You either have to stand up for yourself or leave.
Oh I know, and I understand
Oh I know, and I understand and appreciate all the advice everyone has given me on here - stubborn as I am I do take it into consideration.
But that being said, they made the decision to stay for a reason. Just as I am. So I hope everyone can realize that their words are not falling upon deafened ears and I am very appreciative even if it's not what I want to hear necessarily.
I come here because I know most of you have been in the game alot longer than me and despite the hurt/stress you have all found reasons/ways to stay and make the best of your situation. And that's all I want. I do not plan on going anywhere any time soon. I get angry, I get frustrated, but I love my BF and deep down I am happy. Pros and cons - the Pros win. Maybe it will get worse, maybe it will get better. Only time will tell. But for now, it is what it is. I will probably continue to vent and probably continue to be told to leave LOL... I just hope no one will feel like I'm not listening or anything. I am, and I appreciate it! It's just alot easier said than done, you know?
Just another note here. You
Just another note here. You say that this child will want to use your laptop. Read some more on here about how the boundaries of personal belongings get so muddy you can't see them at all. Your laptop is yours. It does not belong to this child, so he does not touch it. Not even to move it off the table if it's in his way. He asks you to move it out of his way. That way there is no "well I was only moving it over, and it flipped open and I was just looking at the screen." crap. Password it, keep it in your room or somewhere else that he doesn't have easy access to and it is OFF limits.
If you don't do this right from the get-go, you will have stresses of nightmarish proportions trying to back track later and claim your private belongings back.
Not only that, but a 9 yr old should never be on a computer that has internet access without supervision anyway. If he has a Facebook page that's against the rules. I believe the age is 13 minimum for that.
JMO, but I'm over here livin' the dream, and would give anything to go back and set those boundaries on day one.