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OT - Advice Please?

Fading's picture

This is not about me, but about my SIL (not the Kong as referred to in a previous blog) and her stepson from her first marriage. To make this easier:

SIL(ex?)stepson - Rocky
SIL - Harley
SIL exhusband (Rocky's dad) - Sicko

Harley was married to Sicko for quite a while and divorced before I even met DH. To give a little back story on Sicko (WARNING: may contain some graphic text):

Sicko is an alcoholic, heroin and meth user, and has a mental illness (I haven't been told what it is, if I were to guess it is either bipolar, mulitple personality disorder or schizophrenia). About a year or two before they divorced, Sicko and his brother raped Harley in front of her 1 year old nephew (Kong's son) and Harley's then-9-year-old biological son. Sicko also slept with Harley's brother and his wife (the BIL I hate). He also beat the living hell out of Harley several times. There is also suspicion that he has raped several other men, women and children, but no one has evidence to prove that.

Last year, Harley tried to 'help' Sicko several times by taking him to doctors, therapists and analysts. She let him stay in her home frequently (he has no home, car or job). She hung out with him so he wouldn't 'hang out with the wrong crowd'. Late last year, Harley was diagnosed with leukemia (she will not disclose how serious or what kind of leukemia). Something happened, I don't know what, she will not say, but she has kicked Sicko out of her home and will not have any contact with him. (I fully understand this part, I'd have never let him BACK in to begin with, but that's neither here nor there).

Now, last week, Harley posted a long rant on Facebook regarding Sicko and said some pretty terrible (but true) things. Albeit, Facebook was probably not the best place to 'vent', but with her illness, it's one of the few ways she can communicate with all her friends at once. I know Sicko has done something horrible to her again, so she has every right to be angry and pissed. Rocky commented on the post and became extremely upset that she would be so 'childish' and 'such a bitch'.

Now as the daughter of a paranoid schizophrenic who self medicated with alcohol and every drug in existence plus some made up ones he concocted, I can understand how upset Harley is with how Sicko has hurt her. My father had said and done things that hurt me too. But I can also see it from Rocky's side. Regardless of how horrible your father may be, you always have at least a little love for him, he's your dad. People used to say horrible things about my dad all the time, and I would scream and yell and get upset. Then when I turned 14 and my father threatened to come kill me and my mother I saw his true self and now when people speak ill of him, it still stings, but I know what they are saying is true, and I don't get upset anymore.

Rocky is only 20/21 (he's only a few years younger than me) and I know he hasn't been told all of his dad's 'evil doings'. No I don't want to tell him about them, that is up to his mom and dad. I don't think he truly sees his fathers problems because he isn't around him much. I don't want to attack the kid and scream at him that his father is this and that, but I would like to help him through the anger he feels towards Harley for voicing her upsets (although in the wrong forum).

The problem is, I've never met this kid. Like I said, Harley and Sicko were divorced long before I came along. I just want to be able to let Rocky know that I know exactly what he is going through because I have been there, and let him know I can be there for him should he need to talk about it. I just don't know how to approach a pretty much complete stranger and say "Hey, if you need to talk about this, I'm here".

Any tips or advice on how I can let him know I'm available for him to talk to should he need it (without seeming creepy)?

Comments

overworkedmom's picture

I am not sure what you could say to him. Maybe just say what you said, - He is not alone and you have been where he is now.

Fading's picture

I know you both are right. I just tend to have such a bleeding heart when it comes to anyone having to deal with a mentally ill parent. Damn my softie-ness!!

cant win for losin's picture

i can understand the "bleeding heart"

While your heart may be in the right place, your intentions can be taken wrong. This kid doesn't really "know" you, and while you may be able to kind of "relate" to the hardships of an unpleasant childhood unless you went through EXACTLY EVERYTHING he went through, you don't really understand, what he is going through. Also, i know that i would be personally embarassed to have someone i don't really know commenting to me how they "understand and if i want to talk, i'm here" Embarassed that this "stranger" would know anything about my past. So because i would be embarassed, i would be pissed.

Bleeding heart from afar. KWIM?

RainbowsAndDaisies's picture

Harley needs to go to a womens shelter. She is an abused woman. She could be killed. You, you and family members, you and her friends - whatever combination - need to get her somewhere safe and make sure that this man and his family cannot find her. First concern - her physical, emotional, and mental safety. Second concern - treating her illness.

Fading's picture

That's the worst part Rainbows. After they divorced, she did go to a shelter and therapist for a while. Then she met a new guy, we'll call him Beater. They dated for about a year and got married. Now the kicker on Beater is that his previous 4 (YES 4!) wives had been put in the hospital BY HIM and he nearly killed the first one. Even knowing this Harley married him anyway. And then he did the same to her. They were finally divorced as of January last year. She has some odd attachment to dating men that treat her like sh!t and beat her. Between therapy, interventions, shelters, psyche wards, she still does it.