Mortified

I have never been so mortified in my whole life and cannot believe some of the things that FDH said to SD8 last night. I didn't even know what to say.

The whole incident started with SD8 peeing herself. Yep. She peed herself b/c she was too busy playing to bother to go to the bathroom until it was too late. I left FDH to deal with all that and went to yoga, as is my usual Monday ritual.

I've been talking to FDH about how I'm taking a bit of a step back from parental duties and how he needs to find a day job (he's currently unemployed) b/c I don't feel comfortable watching SD by myself multiple nights per week. Well, apparently the fact that I'm stepping back made FDH uncomfortable and instead of internalizing it and taking care of things himself he took it out on SD. This is some of what I heard:

"You (SD) are ruining my life. You're really annoying and do x, y, and z that is annoying. You've made it so that Star doesn't want to watch you by herself anymore and if she leaves us then it's your fault for ruining our family and I will never forgive you."

OMG. Thank you FDH for screwing up your kid, putting her on the path to hating me, and forcing us to pay for all the therapy she's going to need soon. Oh, oh. AND he also threatened to send her away back to BM or her maternal grandmother. Fuck. I never once said anything about leaving, and I was calm and collected when I told him of my plans to step back. Yeah, the kid is annoying as hell, one of the most annoying kids I've ever met, but geeze.

I don't even know what to say.

StarStuff's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

Wow talk about crazy!!! I

Wow talk about crazy!!! I don't know what led him to say these things to his daughter but I don't think your FDH is a very mature man. This is a HUGE warning sign!!! Yikes!!

He doesn't handle stress well

He doesn't handle stress well at all. His first reaction is to lash out. He's never been this way with me, but I think that he really doesn't like being a dad or really wants to be a dad, but he feels obligated to it. I've come to the conclusion that I don't want kids. Period. One of the reasons for said decision is that I wouldn't want my kids being yelled at like that and I don't see that it would be any different with our kids vs his kid.

It's nice to know that mine

It's nice to know that mine isn't the only one! I'm going to have to talk to him about throwing me under the bus like that yet AGAIN. He'll pay attention and do good for a while but then BAM....back to the old ways.

Your fdh sounds like he is 8

Your fdh sounds like he is 8 years old. I hope you told him off. That poor kid. I feel sorry for her. And why are you watching her multiple nights in a row if he is unemployed?

Btw - I remember doing the exact same thing (peeing myself because I didn't want to stop playing outside) when I was a kid. I don't recall being 8 but in my mind I was at least 7. That kind of thing happens. I turned out ok. (Maybe...).

I don't watch her now (except

I don't watch her now (except for a few hours while he job hunts), but when we was working he had mostly night shifts, which forced me to take on a more motherly role than I wanted to. So I'm just making sure it doesn't happen again or I may be the one snapping.

You guys need to have a big

You guys need to have a big talk about this one. She is an 8 yr old little girl, she needs to feel safe. Sounds like FDH is having a really hard time but that is no excuse to be an abusive parent, and honestly saying those things to a child is abusive.

I didn't even know what to

I didn't even know what to say or do. I'm bad about freezing up during conflict, and always have been. I would love for us all to go to some counseling or at the very least have the two of them go, but we have no extra money whatsoever. Even my grandmother, whom we visited last week, noticed a weird dynamic between the two of them.

I do the same thing! I hate

I do the same thing! I hate conflict and thanks to my exH I am really good at shutting down when I get overwhelmed...

I think that you should just try to write down some points on paper on why you feel that the way spoke to her was highly inappropriate and reinforce to him that stepping back a little from parenting his child does not mean you are giving up on them and leaving. It is just how you have to cope in this family dynamic. Let him know that you have a few things to say and that you really need a chance to get it all out before he speaks. Maybe ask if he can think over what you have to say and then talk about it in an hour.

Just an idea, sometimes if I have something written out I can do a lot better at not becoming an emotional basket case or going the other direction and shutting down.

Good idea. That can be my

Good idea. That can be my side project while I'm at work today. My dad used to get really angry - usually at my sister, but all the yelling and stuff...yeah I find that shutting down and pretending to ignore it has become my defensive mechanism.

Poor little kid. I hope you

Poor little kid. I hope you told f "d" h off and please give SD a hug.

"You (SD) are ruining my

OMG...he needs to let someone else raise this child! This is abuse. No doubt about it. Is her mom really that messed up? Maybe he can let someone adopt her. He is goign to screw her up if she stays living with that person. I can't really call your DH a "man".

Yeah, her BM is that bad.

Yeah, her BM is that bad. Funny that you mention adoption. My grandmother did the same thing last week. It would never fly though. I only half jokingly brought up boarding school once and got my head bitten off for it. Not that we could afford boarding school....so no, adoption won't happen. SD is like the kid that nobody wants. Poor thing. But hell, I've been responsible with my birth control and have chosen not to have kids for a reason. Don't want 'em.

the kid would probably be

the kid would probably be better off with the maternal grandmother. you don't want kids and it sounds like this little accident of his wasn't wanted by him and the bm is unfit.

the next thing i would consider is if this loose cannon is good fdh material. when skid isn't there to lash out, who's next?

Sigh. Maternal grandma

Sigh. Maternal grandma doesn't want her either. She's the one that called us to come get SD. I'm not so worried about my relationship with fdh - never had a problem with him before and we've been together almost 3 years, and lived together for over one year. He's not controlling of me or ever angry with me. I think he just can't stand his own kid and has trouble admitting it even to himself.

poor kid is screwed. maybe

poor kid is screwed. maybe she'll say something at school one day and they'll call cps and intervene ~ not that~ that would necessarily fix things, but it's something. guess until then she's just living in an unwanted environment, being mentally abused by her father and feeling sub par to his fiance.

hey, but at this rate, she'll be moving out with the first loser dickhead who gives her the time of day, you won't have to stick it out till she's 18 or graduates like most of us.

SMFH.... very sad.

And I don't want her to feel

And I don't want her to feel sub-par to me! We do things together and get along well most of the time - I'm just not interested in being a full fledged mom. I still want my child free time and not have to feel guilty about it because I'm not the one who spawned another human being. I'm even taking her out of town over the weekend to my mom's house. This has been planned for weeks and she seems to be excited about it. I told fdh he could just stay home and relax since he seems to be in need of alone time.

Even though her presence does not thrill me through and through I DO care about her well-being. I don't want her to end up a teen mom like her BM and so many others. I want her to graduate school, go off to college. I'm trying to be a good female role model, but feel that I fail miserably sometimes.

So now I feel like I almost can't step back like I want to b/c the frickin world falls apart when I do! I've told fdh several times not to repeat little snippets of things I've said about SD to SD, because they weren't a big deal, just sharing a story or letting him know how I handled something, and the first thing he does is run off and confront her about it when IT'S NOT NECESSARY.

my father (deceased God rest

my father (deceased God rest his soul)was a drunk, a womanizer, and couldn't for the life of him hold down a job. But he was my hero ,I think most dads are to thier daughters, and if he ever said anything like that to me I can tell you it would've scarred me far worse than any of his shortcomings.

You are here

Comments