Double standard
Last week, I posted this as an aside in a forum. BM told the twins that she didn't want them to live with her anymore- she wanted them to live with their dad full-time. Then, she had one of them call their dad and leave a voicemail, telling him this.
The three of them- skids and DH- have forgotten about this awful comment. I have gotten very frustrated with my kids but have never and I hope WOULD never say something like that. That's one of those things you just cannot take back, make right, whatever. And so this whole weekend/DH's weekday custody days have, as usual, been filled with the "At Mom's house, (whatever)..."; "Mom said, ....(whatever)...".
But today, DH asked me why I wasn't sitting with them for breakfast. My kids are with their dad for the weekend. Sometimes if I'm making pancakes or am otherwise busy in the kitchen, it gets me out of one meal around the table, listening to four children, ages 6, 7, 7, and 7, behave like little fools instead of just doing their jobs and eating the meal I've made. Incessant inane chatter to turn a half-hour meal into an hour-long meal, with plenty of cajoling by DH (if I hear him tell those skids that something is 'nature's candy' to get them to eat it one more time I will lose it!!)- just not my thing! So when he asked if I was really busy or if I was being a martyr this morning, I said, "I don't want to sit with kids this morning. I'm making banana bread, not being a martyr." I was making banana bread, so that I could use the turning-rapidly-browner bananas that I knew would go to waste if I didn't make something with them!
But....my comment just came up! DH told me that he couldn't believe I'd say such a thing, that the skids looked around when I said it as if they were really hurt.
SO, I responded that I couldn't believe that they had all let BM's awful comment go without another thought, but I was this bad person for very honestly stating something that he and I have both told them all in the past- that mealtimes are not enjoyable when they don't do their jobs and just eat.
His response, after a little more discussion involving more lovely blended family topics including fostering independence in his children and his consistency as a dad? "Maybe my kids are devastated that I divorced their mom."
Ah, the daddy guilt is finally out in the open. And I thought he didn't succumb to such illusions. Today is a HARD stepmom day. Glad I'm going to dinner with a girlfriend tonight!
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Comments
BM#2 woke up one morning and
BM#2 woke up one morning and waited for FDH to leave then she packed what she wanted and left. One thing she didn't pack was ss3 at the time. SS now 9 thinks his mother walks on water even though she walked out and left him, didn't always get him on her weekends, doesn't take her week ever because she can't manage to get him to and from school, doesn't do much except park him in front of the tv.
I'm the POS who takes him to school and picks him up, runs him to scouts, takes him places that are fun, takes him to his friends and arranges outings all the time. I help him with his homework and will be catching him back up to grade level. They all forget the crappy things their BM's do but never remember all the good things we do for them.
Wow RCM- your BM sounds like
Wow RCM- your BM sounds like a disgusting, soulless POS to do that to a three-year-old. Thank you for the reminder that the bond between BM and their child(ren), justified or not, are stronger than anything else in the world. I am certain that these skids will grow up to resent me- currently I can't NOT grimace when they bring her up and it takes every fiber of my being to not scream, "DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT SHE TOLD YOU LAST WEEK?"!
And ugh, the irony is that she treats me so horribly, and ALLLLLLLLLL!!!! her drama revolves around her insane idea that I want to take them from her. She doesn't believe in the bond between mothers and children, though I've tried telling her many times (back when I thought that reason could break through her NPD, before I gave up) and now frankly am one of those SMs who is very glad to tell people that these two are not my bio-kids.
My bio daughter is three and
My bio daughter is three and I honestly cannot imagine walking out and leaving her behind. I know that after birth the body releases a chemical that makes you bond with your child but FDH says BM never felt that way about SS. FDH thinks its because she had a c-section and didn't get SS right away.
FDH routinely reminds SS that his BM walked out and left him, usually when SS is being an ass about his BM. One day SS threw a fit and started crying because we were going shopping before his BM came to pick him up. She wasn't due to arrive until 2 and ended up coming at 4. I'm sorry life doesn't revolve around BM and SS. Thankfully FDH told him to get over it and get in the car.
Right now we have to be nice to BM until we move and get SS settled in school. It goes against everything in me to be duplicitous. But I have to do what I have to do for our family.
Thanks, Mncipl. I think I
Thanks, Mncipl. I think I need to come up with a couple good mantras- one to repeat in my own head, one to say aloud to the skids!!
A lot of this behavior sounds
A lot of this behavior sounds like normal kids behavior that would irk someone when it's not their kids. That many kids around a table are going to be loud.
I'm not sure what you want the 7 year olds (the one's the mom told to go live with dad) to do. it sounds like their mom is abusive to have done that, but what do you want their reaction to be?
Jenna- I guess I'm amazed at
Jenna- I guess I'm amazed at the double standard shown by them and DH- their being "shocked" when I said I didn't want to sit with them that particular morning to eat- but they're totally over the fact that their horrible mother would say such words to them. But earlier responses have made me realize that the woman could beat them with a bat, tell them they are awful kids and she hates them, try to screw them up for life- wait- she has already done that!- and they would still love their mummy and I would still just be the mean stepmom who says she doesn't want to eat with them.... }:)