Grandma's coming to town

So yesterday my future mil texted me saying she is in fact coming to town next month and is staying with us (she offered to bring her own bed) and is now wanting to throw a big graduation party for ss18. I am of the mindset that I am not letting ss18 back into my home ever again or at least until he apologizes to me for saying to me just before I kicked him out "as long as you're with my dad I'm going to make your life miserable". So now what do I do, hold my ground and say fine she can come and she and SO can take him out for his grad party to a restaurant but not have the party here (remember SO and I are getting married two weeks later but no one from his family is even coming let alone throwing us a party so there is a bit of a bitterness in my mouth over this to begin with, tho I think it's awesome she can come for her grandson's grad but unbeknownst to her I think there is a huge rift btw ss and me). So she was asking in her text what she can do to "help" me throw this alledged party. I was polite saying I hadn't heeard anything about a party but that I would ask SO and get back to her. She then tells me she has all this tuff bought for it and would bring it and so on and on and on. UHG MAJOR.

Should I just let it all happen as she wants and smile and pretend nothing happened to avoid a family feud or should I strongly suggest to SO that it's all so great but the party needs to happen at a restaurant. She is a big party thrower so this is not going to go down quiet. If SO suggests the restaurant idea the whole family is going to go up in arms after all it's the honey's graduation and yay he made it and lets all party for him. :sick:

So far I have been a wonderful person in this family who has been an angel for taking the kids into my home, bla bla bla. Do I want to stand up for myself finally and become a dark angel? Grandma does not know yet that we kicked ss18 out and he's living in a barn. Once she finds out all hell is going to break lose. Oh is only I could just get married quietly. We waited 2 years for a good timing and then we setour date in March after ss18 moved out thinking it was finally over with him and now he is bound and determined to ruin our special day. I swear he is going to haunt me for years like he said

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Why can't she stay in a hotel

Why can't she stay in a hotel during her visit?

She can have her party at the hotel.

I think you need to tell SO

I think you need to tell SO that the party can happen, just not in your house. SS is not allowed back, under any circumstances. They can go rent a VFW hall or something if it means that much to them. But after the way SS has been acting, I don't really think he deserves a party. And if I were you, I would have nothing to do with any party for SS.

I really wish you the best! It sounds like you are going through a hard time. I hope your wedding is beautiful and is the day you dream of!

Yes, I keep leaning toward

Yes, I keep leaning toward suggesting to SO that they have the party elsewhere. I am too sore to even put on my usual smile. The grandma is my SO's mom and she has always stayed with us. She has always been at our house when my boys were at their dad's but this time my son is giving up his room for her to stay in too. I mean, bs is ok with this but again, it's like my SO and his kids and mom just think the house is all their's when she is here and that she can do all her party staging here. She always has and always will. She comes and literally takes over my kitchen, she always comes for big events like birthdays for the spawn and football pasrties, etc. For 3 years now I just smile and let her take over and really so far I have been ok with this, but right now I am just sore from ss18's statement and not wanting to be as accomadating as usual.

Thx crazycoconut for your kind words. I am hoping for a beautiful wedding day. My sister is trying hard to come down for my day and my best friend will be my witness. We are having a small private JP wedding.

Now I have to go upstairs to present this all to SO. Yikes.

Yup newwife3, you are right

Yup newwife3, you are right and I wish I'd read your post about half an hour ago. I talked to SO about this and he flew into a defensive rant. He was letting his BP go way high and sweating like mad b/c he felt I was being the bad guy. He claims that I have spewed things from my mouth too and no one holds me accountable for things I say, so why should we hold ss accountable. I tried to say that he's the kid and I'm the adult and pay the bills and put a roof over this kid's head but SO was beyond being reasonable; it's his son and his son is graduating and his mom just wants to be a grandma and do something nice for her grandkid.

I think I am going to have to be the bigger person here and do like what newwife3 said, just let grandma and SO do their thing with ss and I will have no part in it whatsoever. I will not even go to the ceremony now. SO is going to freak but this is going to be the only way ss will know that tho his family caters to his crappy behaviors, I won't.

I just don't want this to be the beginning of a bad marriage of us feuding over this kid constantly. I KNOW for a fact that my previous marriage broke up b/c my ex and I feuded over my disabled daughter who is also 18. My ex chose to put her into a care home and I didn';t want to and finally gave in b/c ex threatened that it was either her going into a home or him leaving, so I chose him over her, but the damage was done and the wound wouldn't/couldn't heal.

Now it seems to be happening all over again I feel like the first slip of our tight grasp on our relationship just happened this morning with this one fight over ss's graduation party and grandma coming I've seen this pattern before I just hope and pray that SO are wiser and can handle this slip and be able to regrip and hold tighter.

I feel exhausted and sad

SO just called and I

SO just called and I explained to him what I said in the post above. He actually totally got it and said he's wanting to make his mom happy and me happy and just feels torn. So we came up with a plan and it's that Grandma will stay with us and even make a nice meal, but SO is going to have them take it to a park and have a nice picnic and have ss18's friends stop by etc, all under the concept that the park provides more room and leaves the house clean and no cleanups or worries and nice neutral ground for all the friends. I really am happy with that "plan"! It gives everyone what they want - Dad gets to see his son graduate and sends him off with gusto, Grandma can cook and plan and fuss, and I can go to the park or stay home, and no one feels stepped on emotionally.

WHEW!

I'm glad you worked it out.

I'm glad you worked it out. Totally understand about the drama train, as I call it.

We were married by JP, with just friends. We didn't tell anyone because we knew there would be tons of drama. And we were right--afterwards, SIL1 was a total bitch and slammed us to the whole family, even calling BM to see if she was hurt by our marriage.
Crazy...I didn't get a party either although MIL wanted to give me one because of SIL1.

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