Feeling bad for DH - How do we combat PAS?
DH and SS were in SS's bedroom playing video games and playing with SS's extensive hoard of matchbox cars. SS asked when will he be going home to BM. DH explained to SS that he is with us all weekend this weekend. Tomorrow is SS's birthday party, and DH told him if he goes home then he can't have a party.
SS still said he wants to see his BM. DH asked him what does he have at BM's house that he doesn't have here. SS said he has more cars at BM's. Since tomorrow is the party, he will be getting plenty more cars, I can promise that.
DH tried everything to get him to change his mind, but he still wants to go home to BM. It is quite sad. He won't be going, obviously, it is just really upsetting to DH that SS doesn't want to be with him.
I think this is due to PASing, I really do. How do we counter act this? We always make sure he has a good time when he is with us. There are still rules he has to follow and consequences, which may be one issue he has. I don't think there are any rules, just abuse when he doesn't listen to them. I say abuse because he is covered with an abnormal amount of bruises.
Anyone have any suggestions on how to combat the PASing? I will take any suggestions I can get.
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He is 5. And we have him
He is 5. And we have him EOWd, and on the weekend we don't have him all weekend, we have him just on Sunday. It is very confusing to me. He has only been here 3 hours, and he wants to go home already.
I cant say that is due to
I cant say that is due to PAS. My SD4 about to be 5 as well acts the same. It has improved but she used to throw a fit every time FDH went to get her, shed rather be with BM. She say she wanted to go home from the time she got here, even if we had fun stuff going on, as soon as it was done, she wanted BM. I blame this on BM not teaching SD to be away from her. Being with her 24/7 not introducing her to other kids and teaching her to be away from her mom.
It has lessened now, SD will ask about BM, when is she going home, can she go home now, and crying for her at bedtime, but its usually when there are rules to be followed. (time for bed, a time-out for bad behavior etc..) Because there are rules here and not at BMs, I think thats a big reason she doesnt want to be here.
I do believe that BM says negative things about FDH, and doesnt let her call him when she asks (if she does at all), but I think a lot of that behavior (having a favorite parent) is normal for this age.
Thank you Sonja. It sounds
Thank you Sonja. It sounds like we are in the same boat. I feel really bad for DH, as I am sure you feel bad for FDH. I know that SS isn't with his mother all the time. BM will leave him with her mother or her mothers gf/so.
SS used to throw a fit when we picked him up, and that has stopped. (thank goodness, that got old FAST) But now it is exactly what you discribed. At bedtime, he wants mommy, when he is in timeout, he wants mommy. I know for a fact that BM's mothers gf/so, talks very negativly about DH. That woman is EVIL!
What is irrating is that SS has started calling DH Daddy Name. I told DH he may need to address that with BM and I am sure she will cause a scene about it. But it just isn't cool to have your child address you by your name. I don't mind that I am Coconut, I am not his mother. But he shouldn't be calling his father daddy name.
BM used to do the same as
BM used to do the same as well, there have been phases where BM was always pawning SD off on others, but then BM stared working at a daycare and SD was in the same room with her. Not long after we learned BM switched rooms and SD started acting out and then was no longer going to the daycare. FDH and I think she was 'kicked out' for not listening and causing disturbances, but who knows. At this point, BM is working and SD is with a sitter during the days (however many days BM works I have no clue), and we've heard less about BM when SD comes over, so I think it was really just too much 1 on 1. BM is also convinced that SD has separation anxiety and thats a load of crap.
SD has called FDH by his name as well, obviously BM must address him as such, or talk a lot about him by his name. FDH doesnt use BMs name in front of her. SD also has periods of time where she calls FDH by BMsBF's name and THAT is a lot worse than using his name!
My mom re-married when I was
My mom re-married when I was two years old and my step dad was Daddy Name and my Bio dad was DAddy name when I was with my mom but was always Daddy when i was with my bio. Now I don't care what he thinks my step dad is a better dad then my dad has ever been. still call them both Dad.
So M-F he is with his mother?
So M-F he is with his mother?
He is a little homesick for his mother, this is all. This is like anew setting and he takes time to adjust. And if his mother lets him think better things are happening over there when he is not there then he will want his mother.
He wants to go home. Well he will ... on Sunday/Monday. EOS. If he gets sad, let him. Give him a warm drink and let him be sad. Then tell him time to be sad is over and it is time for him to choose the movie for the night. And chips or popcorn? Flavoured water or flavoured sparkling water?
When he sasy he wants to go back to his mothers it is not personal. He just wants what has been his 'normal' for the past 5 days.
Since I deal with this same
Since I deal with this same scenario, I refuse to believe that my SD4 is 'taking time to adjust'. This routine is the ONLY routine she knows, she has ALWAYS seen her dad EOWd, and Ive been here for 3+years, so Im not new to the scene either.
My FDH responds negatively when SD cries for BM, not that I totally agree with that, but it is ridiculous that he doesnt see her for 2 weeks and she cant enjoy 2 days with him.
We get this EVERY freakin
We get this EVERY freakin time we get the kids SO's 5 yr old screams and cries and has to be physically removed from her van by SO. It breaks his heart and listening to BM scream at him that his son hates coming here while he wails he wants his mommy "I miss MOOOOMMMMMYYYY, I don't want to go! Mommmmmyyyyy let me stay!" then incoherent wailing, 3 minutes later it's like it never happened and he's fine.
He does this because it's been confirmed he doesn't live with her, she dumps him at his uncles as soon as she gets him from us and he stays there till she brings him back to us. Her own son gets to see her for the time it takes to dump him.
I'm just counting down till middle of June when we file for emergency custody. I told SO to get his ducks in a row, child care get his employer to give him 1st shift using this as the reason (he is a single dad so he will hopefully be helpful there). Get his ss card birth cert, and anything he may need to make sure if he is given his son he won't flounder. As for his dd Idk, she lives with mom usually and gets dumped less often she doesn't freak out when she comes. I'm sorry i know it hurts, I see the pain in my SO's eyes eowd.
I can't stand how some
I can't stand how some divorced parents treat their child. I hear stories like this and realize how lucky I am that my parents still somewhat get along. At least they talk to each other and never yell at each other around me. I feel so sorry for kids with divorced parents.